Getting your ex back is an extremely emotional topic. There is something unique about the pain that hurts your heart after a relationship you fought so hard to hold onto falls apart.
Maybe you were in a long-term relationship that you really tried to make work but couldn’t.
Maybe you were in a short-term love affair riddled with passion and intensity, a kind of love you were so relieved to have finally found. Except, suddenly, out of nowhere, he broke your heart and ended things, leaving you lost and confused, unsure of what to do.
Maybe you got a divorce.
Maybe you broke up with him and regret it.
Maybe life got in the way and complicated everything, causing your relationship to crumble.
Whatever the reason, know this: while I cannot promise you that this will 100% get your ex back, I can assure you that this will give you the best shot of getting him back.
You see, the truth is… life is uncertain. Nothing you do or say can 100% force someone to do something (why would you want to force someone to do something anyway?). But there are specific things you can do that will maximize your shot at success, which this article will provide you with.
Take The Quiz: Can You Get Your Ex Back Or Is He Gone Forever?
This is a bs-free step-by-step system to get your ex back. It’s long, but contains so much crucial information that you might want to read it through once, let it sink in and then re-read it, to make sure you get all the points mentioned here.
As I mentioned earlier, you might be looking for an absolute, 100% sure answer, some kind of ironclad insurance policy that makes it impossible for this journey to get your ex back to fail. This I cannot give you.
However, I have actually seen thousands of situations where a woman feels getting back her relationship is hopeless… but after implementing these strategies, her ex ends up at her doorstep declaring his undying love (ok, not literally in this movie-dramatic-kissing-in-the-rain-fashion-where-your-knees-tingle-and-heart-flutters-way- but close.)
Why are these strategies so effective, you might ask?
Well, because I have literally obsessed over this topic, attended a bunch of relationship seminars, listened to many friends and colleagues lament about their relationship woes… ultimately identifying patterns and trends that end up resulting in a reconciliation.
I have been able to separate what leads to success from what makes things destined to fall apart…
And I have synthesized all this information into one place to make it available for you, so you can have the key to getting your ex back right at your fingertips.
And another important factor is, I am a guy. I know what goes through a man’s mind when it comes to these things, and I understand what it takes to make a man want to re-enter a relationship.
Before I begin, I have to warn you about something. This is going to be a process of self-discovery. In fact, at the end, there is even a chance that you will not even want him back again. I know this might sound crazy to you right now, but don’t worry. If what you do want is him back, this is going to help you.
The good thing about it is… these strategies work in pretty much all situations (i.e., whether you are divorced, out of a one year relationship, a couple who broke up a long time ago or who just recently broke up, etc.). Obviously, there are different strategies to approach different situations (and I will mention this in the article, don’t worry about that).
Here are the general steps that I will explain to you in this article:
Step 1) Don’t contact him & become your best self
Step 2) Contact him (I will explain how later in the article)
Step 3) Go for it (arrange a meet up)
So first, let’s discuss what to do right after the breakup happens.
aftermath of a breakup
So, you just broke up. Where do you go from here? Well, what you need to do first is no contact.
Step 1) No Contact Rule & Becoming Your Best Self
When you are in an emotional state, it’s hard to talk to your ex in a way that’s going to be effective and actually get you the result you want.
Obviously, there are certain situations where you have to talk to him and deal with him (i.e. dealing with child custody situations, if you work at the same place, have the same circle of friends, etc.)
If this is the case… do not have emotionally charged interactions. Avoid in-depth conversations as well if possible (for one full month). No texting your ex or instant messaging either.
For example, if you work with someone you used to go out with, keep things as simple as you possibly can. Don’t delve into the details of your breakup while doing your job.
Or if you have children together, don’t make everything about you and your breakup. Instead, focus on the children’s well being and not on your relationship drama.
One other point to mention is… Even if you have been broken up for a long time and your wounds are not fresh, it is a good idea to take the next 4 weeks to focus on you. The no-contact rule still applies.
So, let’s get into things.
First, I am going to go through points you need to think about and consider during the period of no contact and then I will give you actionable steps during this period as well.
What should you do when you are in a period of no contact?
During the period of no contact, it’s a good time to reflect on your relationship and think about why you broke up and the reasons you want to get back together.
1. Answer the question: why did you break up? What was the main reason behind it?
What was the reason you broke up with each other? Did you break up with him or did he break up with you?
Was it because of fundamental differences in your personality?
Was it because you are a certain way (a way he does not want you to be) and rather than conform to what he wants you to be… you want to actually be yourself, and this ended up making your relationship fall apart?
Was it a difference in religious beliefs?
A difference in how to handle finances?
Or something like severe emotional (or even physical) abuse… (disclaimer: this is by no means designed to treat or diagnose or tell you what to do and if you are in a physically abusive relationship that’s best directed to the authorities to handle this dangerous situation)…
Or was it perhaps something that just “happened?” Like… it was just something he felt…
Or was it something like… cheating.
If you broke up because someone cheated, this is obviously a trickier situation. If someone cheated, it is going to be extremely important to rebuild the broken trust and the broken bond. If forgiveness is not possible (true forgiveness) it’s pointless to try to enter into a relationship again. Why? Because the relationship will be built upon resentment rather than a new shot at love.
If you cheated on him, there is obviously a lot of work to do in terms of building trust again.
You need to realize that it is going to be a long road ahead in terms of rebuilding the broken trust and if it is impossible for him to trust you again, the relationship will not have a good chance of working out.
Another thing to remember when it comes to cheating (whether it was you that cheated or him) it is that if someone cheated, it means there was some kind of underlying issue in the relationship.
You must also examine this and get clarity on what factors lead to the cheating.
Cheating is a difficult problem to solve when it comes to getting back together, but if you can build trust and figure out the root of what caused it in the first place, it’s possible to fix it.
No More Physical Attraction
If the physical attraction died down and you stopped having sex, this is obviously a sign that the physical connection wasn’t as strong as it once was in your relationship. This problem can and cannot be fixed; it really depends on the specific situation you are in. What are the reason behind this lack of intimacy? Was it because he was stressed at work and was no longer interested? Or was it a lack of interest on your part?
You really want to think about this and figure out a game plan for how to handle this if you do end up back together.
Obviously, if he was the one who stopped feeling attracted to you and seemed less interested in sex, it’s different than if you were the one who stopped feeling physically attracted to him.
Now, I am putting it bluntly because I am giving you the raw, honest truth from a man’s perspective. Sometimes when a man is in a relationship for a long time, things become routine and predictable, including the sexual part of the relationship. The same can happen to women too.
If he was less and less interested in sex toward the end of your relationship, it could mean he wasn’t as physically attracted to you as he was before.
I know this is extremely hard to hear.
It is also possible that he lost interest in sex for a lot of other reasons… such as being stressed about issues in life that made him not feel “in the mood”.
But let’s think about physical attraction for a moment. Even if he hadn’t lost his physical attraction to you, what I am about to suggest certainly can’t hurt (and will only help) your chances of getting back together with him.
Look Your Best, Be Your Best Self
If he lost his attraction to you, the best plan of action is to focus on you. Look your best, feel your best.
Make good diet choices. Spend some time working on fitness. Get some new makeup that makes you feel attractive. Get a new outfit that you feel confident and comfortable in. Looking your best will certainly ignite some kind of instinctual attraction in him. It’s a good thing to keep in mind.
I will go into more detail about this later on in the article, but keep it in mind for now.
Did one (or both of you) simply lose interest? In other words… did you find yourselves gravitating toward doing anything but spending time together? If you were spending less and time together, it’s a sign that perhaps one of you was losing interest.
Obviously, if he was the one who lost interest… it’s a different scenario than if you were the one who lost interest.
If you were the one who lost interest, ask yourself this: are you sure you want to get back together with him? Are you truly, completely sure?
Now, if he was the one losing interest… it could be for a variety of reasons. Maybe the relationship was stale and you stopped doing fun things together.
No Longer Had Fun Together
Did you laugh a lot together in the beginning, but in the end things just felt weird and sad? If this is the case, getting back together could be catalyzed by starting to create fun, happy memories and conversations together.
Fell Out of Love With Each Other
If you fell out of love with him, and you want to get back together now, ask yourself… why do you want to do this?
Is it a false sense of wanting something you now cannot have?
Is it because he is now in another relationship and it makes you jealous or it makes you feel like you want him now because you can’t have him?
Or is it because you genuinely realized you made a mistake and actually did not fall out of love with him?
If he fell out of love with you… this is obviously a lot harder to fix. You have no control over how he feels about you. But there are certain things you can do to maximize your shot of making him fall back in love with you:
Make sure that any time you spend with him (whether via texting, phone calls, hanging out) is based on a happy, fun, comfortable vibe.
This will make him want to spend more time with you. Men are instinctively attracted to happy women.
2. Analyze Who Broke Up With Who
He broke up with you
If he broke up with you, obviously there was a reason why. Try to think about what could have lead to this. What changes can you make in your life that address whatever concerns lead to the breakup in the first place?
You broke up with him
If you broke up with him, it’s kind of a tricky situation to be in. If you broke up with him, think about the reason you did this.
Did he do something horrible and unforgivable? Were you just not feeling the relationship anymore?
If you broke up with him, you really need to consider whether you actually want to get back together again.
Obviously you broke up with him for a reason and need to make sure this is something you actually want.
3. Realize You Must Make An Effort to Start fresh and ask yourself whether you can actually do this.
Even though it is an “old” relationship, it’s actually best to think of it as a “new” relationship. You have to realize this because if you go into it thinking of it as if you are going to simply pick up where things left off, you’re mistaken.
The best way to maximize your chances of success is to make it so that your relationship is fresh and new.
So mentally let go of the past relationship and mentally set yourself up to enter this relationship with a fresh start.
4. Assess what your true motivation is for getting back together.
There are good and bad reasons for wanting to get back together. I just want to list a few of the bad reasons for wanting to get back together and a few of the good ones, so you can try to evaluate which one you fall into. This list is by no means comprehensive; it is meant to simply make you start to think about what the real reason is.
- You feel like your life is over without him in it
- You’re jealous that he’s entered into a relationship with someone else
- You feel like you are going to be alone forever
- You’re in another relationship that you’re not happy in so you want to get back with your ex as a distraction
- You miss the attention
- You realized you made a mistake
- You’ve made changes in your life and understand now that you actually were a good match
- You genuinely miss your relationship and feel it was a good situation you want to re-enter
- You feel that you are a compatible match and you want to give things another shot
The point here is that a lot of people feel that they want to re-enter a relationship but they don’t always do the necessary reflection necessary to really determine whether it’s a good or bad idea.
Your underlying reasons for why you want to get back together will determine whether it makes sense to try to get your ex back or not.
Does He Have A Girlfriend?
If he has a girlfriend, this is a very tricky situation. You might be devastated and wallowing in utter misery because of this. Any time you think of the mere idea of him being in a relationship with someone else, your heart hurts and your brain explodes into a series of emotions you cannot control.
You want to forget about it and move on but you simply cannot.
Or maybe you do manage to forget about it, but then, on lovely social media, you end up coming across him and his new girlfriend and it destroys you inside.
This is an extremely tough situation to deal with.
The only thing I can tell you is: maintain the no-contact and make an effort to back off and to let things play out as they may.
Do not try to excessively contact him.
Do not stalk him and her on social media.
Focus on yourself.
ok, so now that you know what you need to consider during this no contact period, let’s discuss some actionable steps to take during this time.
During no contact, there are two areas to address: your mind and body. all of these changes are going to make it more likely that you get your ex back. Working on yourself (your inside and your outside) will make you a woman he’s going to wonder how he could have let go.
Let’s begin with the physical changes.
Disclaimer: I am only including this for your benefit. I do not mean to offend or to say that you must do any of these things. It is simply a suggestion. And I have consulted with a woman who knows a lot about these things to enhance the suggestions I am making. I have also talked to a bunch of men about what they find attractive.
So I am simply including this to add to your effectiveness at getting your ex back.
Your hair can make a big impact on how you look. Is there a fun, new hair color you want to try that you’ve never tried? You can go get a blow dry or spend time doing a blow dry to make yourself feel pretty. Try out a new look. Perhaps get some highlights, or try a new shade you’ve always wanted to try. Treat yourself to a salon appointment.
Makeup can really enhance your looks and give you a newfound confidence that’ll add a spring to your step. You can always go to a makeup counter and have one of the makeup artists give you a new look and then buy those products for yourself.
A basic, sultry eyeliner is always a good bet… and glossy lip gloss.
You might even want to look into natural (or extreme) fake eyelashes to enhance your eyes. If you’ve never applied them before, it can be tricky at first. So your best bet is to start with the individual fake eyelashes that you can apply to enhance your eyes.
Also, a good idea is to invest in a foundation that matches your skin tone and is not going to look ‘cakey.’
Or anything, really… that makes you feel attractive.
You might as well go get a teeth whitener at the drugstore or even look into teeth whitening if you feel up to it and would want to do something like this.
Having glowing, good skin is extremely attractive (and, according to many women I’ve talked to, makes it a lot easier to apply makeup and feel confident in general).
So make an effort to take care of your skin.
If you’re pale, getting a spray tan is always a nice confidence boost. Another benefit of a spray tan is it can camouflage imperfections and make you look thinner.
Obviously, if this is not your thing, don’t do it. It’s just a suggestion.
Men do not care about the color of your nails. At least, most men don’t. However, men do notice clean and well-kept nails.
Buying a new outfit and finding something that really fits you well can go a long way in giving you a confidence boost.
If you don’t work out at all, it’s a good idea to engage in some kind of working out, whether it’s yoga, stretching, running, etc… do something that makes you feel like you’re making positive changes to your body. It’ll help you feel good about yourself.
Eating a clean, healthy diet is also going to go a long way with regard to making you feel better about yourself. It can be tempting to binge on delicious pizza, ice cream and cupcakes… and drown your sorrows in delicious food, but trust me… this will only make you more depressed. Your best bet is to eat as well as you can, and you will see positive results.
Focus on hobbies
Focusing on your hobbies and keeping yourself busy is a good way to keep yourself happy after the breakup.
Keeping yourself busy will give you less time to be sad. And trying new hobbies you’ve always wanted to try is an excellent way to add some joy to your life.
Go out with friends
This is important in terms of keeping a good balance of fun in your life. It’s going to take your mind off your sadness and allow you to relax.
Get fresh air
Sometimes some fresh air is all you need to feel just a little bit better about things. Take a walk in fresh air and breathe. Soak in the sun (or the pretty nature). Obviously, if it’s freezing outside this might not work but if you have nice weather conditions, you might as well!
The point of all this is: Focus on fun not sulking.
This is going to give you an attractive energy when you do contact him again. And it will help keep your mind off things and allow you to do “no contact” with less difficulty than if you spent your time being sad.
Go on a Date
I know a woman who was in what she thought was a serious relationship… But one day, the guy blind sighted her, saying she was too needy and needed him to contact her too often. He also said there were fundamental differences between the two of them, but that he simply couldn’t continue the relationship. He even said he still loved her but that it just wasn’t working.
What ends up happening? Instead of constantly contacting him (despite being utterly heartbroken) she actually quietly went on dates.
She met new guys, went out and simply had fun with them. She experienced new people. She felt attractive and had genuine fun.
In the end, she actually ended up getting back together with her ex.
Probably because instead of constantly try to contact him, she let go and bettered herself as a way to genuinely move forward.
This made her an overall more attractive person, on the inside.
I am not saying go on dates and go telling your ex all about it.
What I am saying is to quietly go out with other people, just to have fun and see what’s out there. You would be surprised at how much fun you can have.
Ok so now that we have covered this step of no contact and what to do during it, let’s get to the strategies to use when contacting him!
You might not realize it… but all the changes you made during the “no contact” phase are actually doing most of the work when it comes to getting your ex back. Focusing on yourself and letting yourself have fun and find happiness in your life without him is actually going to bring a positive vibe into the interaction when you do contact him.
Let me explain, because this is a key understanding you need to know in order to maximize your shot of getting your ex back, so keep this in mind: it is yourvibe when you contact him that matters more than the actual way you contact him.
our vibe is going to determine whether he wants to respond to you, whether he wants to see you and ultimately, whether or not he wants to get back together with you.
What determines your vibe? Your mood determines your vibe.
I know it sounds simple, but this is shockingly effective when it comes to getting your ex back (and when it comes to relationships in general).
Being in a good mood and making your mood a priority is going to automatically make you more attractive to him.
Men feel your vibe. You cannot “fake” this, you have to actually internally be in the best mood you can be.
I am not saying to be fake and to push down all your feelings in an effort to please him.
What I am saying is to really make yourself a priority and reach a place within where you actually feel good and happy. I promise you, if you bring this happy mood into your interactions with him, you will be increasing your chances of getting back together with him.
So now that I’ve gone through one of the most important factors when it comes time to contact him (your vibe) let’s get into the specifics.
Step 2) Contacting Him
So now that you have followed the no contact rule, the next step is to contact him and to reach out.
There are a lot of different ways to contact your ex. The reality is…
You know him. You know his personality. You know your personality. When it comes to the specifics in terms of how to contact him, I can give you different “options,” which you obviously already know and different strategies to use when it comes to different modes of communication.
Calling him is another option that could work. If you feel comfortable and are in a position where you feel calling is appropriate, go for it. Simply do what feels comfortable and do what your gut instinct says is right.
I am going to give you the best mindset you can have before you call, which will increase your shot of getting your ex back (and making him want to talk to you more).
Before you call, you must have a mindset of: no matter what happens, I will be ok.
The inner feeling that no matter what happens everything is going to be fine is going to make you a lot more comfortable during the conversation.
Really let yourself relax. Breathe. Focus on something funny and happy, not dramatic and heavy. Sure, having an emotional conversation has its time and place, but the conversation does not need to take that kind of tone.
But remember: Even if the conversation does not go how you planned, you will be ok.
So let yourself feel free, comfortable and okay. This is going to make talking much simpler.
Also, another point for conversation: go into it without specific expectations of what you want to happen. Simply let the conversation flow naturally. This is going to make him actually want to talk to you more.
The reason is when you go into a conversation with expectations, your mood gets worse every time he is not saying something that aligns with the expectations you have. Having expectations leads to disappointment; having no expectations lets things unfold naturally. A relationship that unfolds naturally is one that ultimately succeeds.
And what I am saying about the right mindsets to have with calling applies to all other forms of contacting him as well, which leads me to the next one…
A couple ground rules:
- Don’t make the conversation linger just because you don’t want to hang up
- Don’t try to force anything
- Don’t bring up anything about dates with other men on purpose to make him jealous (if this happens naturally, it’s your call whether you want to tell him or not, but definitely do not bring this up on purpose and definitely don’t be the one to bring the topic up)
- Don’t keep calling if he does not answer
- Do ask him questions (like, what have you been doing? And when he answers, ask something genuine, be genuinely curious about whatever it is he’s discussing with you)
- Do laugh if a situation is funny
- Do talk about fun, positive memories
- Do focus on the good but don’t be afraid if he brings up the bad (if he brings up the bad, genuinely listen to what he has to say and respond in a calm manner)
- Do end the conversation on a good note (you might even want to be the one to end it first and say it was great talking but I have to go ___ )
In the beginning, you are going to want to take it slow to see how he is feeling about you in general.
You can send something that is going to simply get the ball rolling terms of talking again. It could be something like,
“Hey! How have you been? :)”
“Hey, there. It’s been a while. How have you been?”
How He Responds Determines Your Next Response
If he responds well and says something like, “I’ve been good! How about you?” this is a good thing.
If so, continue the conversation naturally, making sure to not be “over-eager” in terms of how you respond. Kind of match his pace in a way.
If he’s responded badly… or in a rude way… or if he has not responded at all… do nothing. I know this can hurt really badly, and I completely understand the urge to text him again and to feel devastated. But really, really try not to let this bring you down. He might still have hurt feelings. He might be angry. He might be responding in a negative way on purpose. Who knows. The best thing to do is to back off for 7 days or so and wait to try again.
If He’s Responded Well
If he’s responded well, you can then add enough intrigue to make him feel like he wants to respond. Now, depending on how things ended… you can possibly start with this kind of texts, but only if things ended well and there was no bad blood between you.
If you aren’t sure how he is going to react if you text him, though, it’s not the best idea to send him a text trying to bring up nostalgia and make him remember the past if he still has negative emotions tied to your last interaction.
An example of these kind of texts are:
“You know, I was flipping through the channels the other day and saw ___ on tv, it reminded me of us.”
“You know, I was listening to ____ song the other day and it made me remember the time when ____”
Definitely don’t go straight to the idea of hanging out before talking beforehand, unless the vibe of the conversation leads to this. Same goes for calling and for the next mode of communication I am going to cover… social media.
If the flow of the situation leads to hanging out, make sure it is not just a friends with benefits type of situation. This is actually really important, because it’s fairly common for exes to have sex but it not mean anything in terms of getting back together.
To avoid this kind of disappointment, having some conversation where you discuss feelings before it leads to physical intimacy is a good idea.
Again, as I have said before, only you know your relationship and your situation. I am giving general advice that applies in most cases.
Contacting him via social media is another good option. Did you used to talk via social media a lot? You could always reach out via social media and start with something like, “Hey! What have you been up to? :)”
Or you could say something like “You’ll never guess what just happened!”
So as you continue to communicate with him, using whatever method you choose (or all methods if that’s what ends up happening), if all goes well, at some point, you will arrange to see each other. And if you already see each other on a daily basis (or a routine basis) then you will arrange to meet up with him in a more friendly, intimate way.
Step 3) Actually Meeting up With Him
This is obviously a huge step, depending on when the last time you saw each other is and the way things went down.
If things evolve to this, this can obviously be a good thing.
A few ground rules:
- Don’t try to make it into a grand, romantic situation
- Don’t go in with expectations about what needs to happen
- Don’t freak out if he says or does something that doesn’t align with what you want
- Do wait for the conversation to flow naturally to this point, don’t try to force it
- Do look your best (might even consider getting a blow dry, new outfit and carefully apply your makeup)
- Do suggest something like lunch or coffee
This is the last step that I am going to discuss in this article. After you meet up, always remember: you are choosing to engage in the situation. No matter what happens, always remember that you have a choice. Even if he is receptive to getting back together but you don’t feel good about it, don’t try to force things that aren’t organically working.
And if he does not want to be with you again… and if he did not even want to meet up with you again… or if he did meet up with you but things were simply awkward and not the same as they used to be… I promise you, it is going to be okay.
Yes, the outcome you wanted to have happen did not happen.
But think about it… why would you want to force someone to like you, anyway? You are better off knowing the truth now… so you can open yourself up to finding someone who is truly compatible with you.
And if things are working out with your ex, that is amazing news. Please do comment here with your success, because there’s nothing I love as much as hearing success stories.
I hope this article helped you understand how to get your ex-boyfriend back. One important thing to remember is that if you follow these steps and do get him back, if you don’t do the right things he might leave you again and leave you for good. You have to make him see you as “the one” so that he won’t ever want to leave your side, and in order to do that you need this secret formula to get your ex back in your arms for good. Don’t try this on your own and leave things up to chance, read this right now and make getting him back a certainty: Do You Want Your Ex Back? Use This To Get Them Back…
Want to find out if you can get your ex back? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Can You Get Your Ex Back” Quiz right now and find out if you can ever get him back or if he’s gone for good…