So you’re here because you want to know why guys run hot and cold.
It’s an unmistakable situation for anyone who’s been through it before.
He lays it on thick and absolutely ravishes you with attention and warmth – only to switch things up seemingly without any sort of provocation and freeze you out.
What happened? Why did he pull away? Was it something you did? Does he still like you? Did he ever really like you in the first place?
more: Why Do Men Pull Away?
Don’t worry – we’ll figure out the answers. Let’s get into the real reasons why guys run hot and cold.
Why Was He So Into Me One Day And Cold The Next?
There’s a couple different types of guys who go hot and cold. It all depends on what’s inside him driving him to act the way that he’s acting.
Generally, there are a few guys out there who go hot and cold on women just as a matter of instinct. They don’t even realize they’re doing it – it’s just how they relate to women.
They don’t even realize how it comes across or that it could hurt you or make you feel awful… and they’re not ever likely to change how they behave.
Guys like that aren’t really worth talking about, because they’re pretty rare. They’re relatively few and far between compared to the other type of guy who runs hot and cold with women, and you can’t get them to change how they act (since they don’t even see how they’re acting as a problem).
Take The Quiz: Is He Losing Interest?
It’s either worth it to ride it out with that type of guy or not – if it’s not worth it then it’s better to let him go.
But there’s another, far more common type of guy who goes hot and cold on you.
The insecure guy.
Why Insecure Guys Run Hot And Cold On You
There’s a secret about guys that not many women know about. When a guy lays it on really thick at the beginning of a relationship, saying things like “I can’t believe how much I like you after only knowing you for this long…” or “I can’t believe how much I miss you right now,” when you just started dating, he doesn’t really mean what he’s saying.
He’s feeling strong emotions about you – but it’s not that he deeply misses you or that he likes you a “scary amount.”
Instead, those strong, overwhelming emotions in him are actually stemming from his own insecurity. He’s afraid that you don’t like him at all, and that anxiety is pushing him to find out right now exactly how much you like him.
So he goes over the top gushing about how much he likes you in order to figure out whether you feel the same way.
Guys who lead with things like “I can’t believe how strongly I feel about you,” really early in dating someone are trying to see what you’ll do in response. He’s hoping you tell him you feel the same way, but really what he’s doing is figuring out whether you’re into him or not.
Now – I’m not saying his feelings aren’t real, and I’m not saying he’s doing this on purpose to torture you. The unconscious mind is a powerful thing, and men and women both are often driven by insecurity without realizing it consciously.
What I am saying is that when he comes on really strong at the beginning, he’s trying to establish how you feel about him. This is the “hot” portion of hot and cold, and you can probably guess what happens next…
Why He Starts Going ‘Cold’ On You All Of A Sudden
Let’s say you’ve been dating for a while, and you think this guy is really into you because of all the mushy intense things he’s been telling you.
Eventually, you start to feel the same way – and you let him know that yeah, you feel strongly about him too.
In the insecure guy’s mind, he’s achieved his goal. He finally knows exactly where he stands with you, and he knows that you’re into him.
He’s not worried you’re going to meet some new guy and be with him, and things between you are getting more and more comfortable. You have dates more often, you’re in contact more frequently, and it feels like you’re heading straight for a serious relationship.
Only now, his insecurity isn’t driving him to act over the top into you in order to figure out how you feel, since he already knows how you feel. He knows you’re into him.
Without his inner insecurity pushing him, he gets freaked out – “Oh no, everything I’ve said to her probably makes her think that we’re a couple, I need to do things that make her think we’re not in a relationship.”
It’s as if everything up until this point has been pushing the scale one way, and now he’s freaking out and overreacting, trying to push the scale back the other way in order to keep things where he’s comfortable – i.e. where you’re ‘casually’ dating with no commitment from him.
So he’ll cancel plans, or flake on you, or let texts and phone calls go unanswered for days at a time.
To you, it feels like the world is falling. I thought he was really into me, why is he going so cold all of a sudden? Did I do something wrong?
To him, he’s instinctively acting to try to show you that you’re not a couple, partially (or totally) oblivious to how it feels from your end.
Is that crappy? Yeah.
The first step towards not getting caught in the chaos of having a guy go hot and cold on you is understanding why he’s acting that way and where it’s coming from.
So the next time a guy goes over the top hot at the beginning of a relationship, you’ll understand why he’s acting that way and hopefully not get caught up in that particular mind game.
And if you’re with a guy who’s going cold on you now, you now have way more insight into where his headspace is at, so that you can decide whether you want to pursue a relationship with him or not.
Want to find out if he’s really losing interest? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Losing Interest” Quiz right now and find out if he’s really losing interest in you…