As far as body chemistry goes, sugar is more addictive than cocaine. Wait, seriously?
*googles “sugar cocaine addiction”*
*gets arrested by the feds*
*writes the rest of this article from prison*
I think I’d rather try to kick a sugar addiction than a cocaine addiction, but then again, I’ve never been addicted to cocaine. Also, sugar is delicious.
Did you know sugar is slang for cocaine? Read the rest of this article pretending I’m talking about cocaine and it’ll probably be a lot more compelling.
Kicking a bad sugar (remember, cocaine) habit isn’t easy and it’s especially hard when the stuff is found in nearly every processed food sitting on the shelf of your local store. It’s in bread, pasta sauces, yogurts, desserts, salad dressings, crackers, and on and on it goes. (Can you imagine? No need for a drug dealer when you can go to the supermarket and get COCAINE BREAD)
Sugar is almost impossible to escape (like a crippling cocaine addiction)… but it can be done. A little sugar won’t kill you, but having it in every single thing you consume will quickly add up.
The United States Department of Agriculture reports that the average American consumes between 150 and 170 pounds of refined sugar per year. ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY TO ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY POUNDS!!
*googles “cocaine street value calculator”*
THAT’S $2.4 MILLION WORTH OF COCAINE! HOLY SCHNIKES I’M IN THE WRONG BUSINESS.
*googles “calories in sugar”*
Uhh, more to the point, 150 pounds of sugar is 266,820 calories. That’s 5,100 calories PER WEEK. JUST OF SUGAR. MY GOD!
If you want to lose weight, sleep better, protect the health of your teeth, and guard against a whole lot more nasty diseases and disorders, cutting out sugar is the #1 quick fix you can start right this minute. (Also, you can accomplish all those goals by also quitting cocaine, if that’s your thing)
Here are 5 easy steps you can take starting today to cut back on sugar and even go so far as to completely eliminate it from your diet. If you make just one of these changes every week, you can massively cut down on the ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS of sugar you’re eating every year.
1. Cut The Desserts
I know that adorable little red velvet cupcake looks good and it’s so small it can’t be
I mean, cupcakes have lots of sugar in them. This isn’t rocket science here.
Desserts are an obvious culprit for cutting down sugar and while they’re TOTALLY FREAKING DELICIOUS you might only be eating them out of habit. When you finish dinner, your body expects to have dessert because it’s routine. What it’s really craving is that sugar. Because you’re addicted to sugar.
Instead of normal desserts, try a piece of fruit for dessert with a whipped sugar-free topping if you need to add something to it. The fruit will have MUCH less sugar than your typical dessert, plus it’s actually packed full of vitamins that are good for you.
Over time you can even phase out having the piece of fruit to cut out even more sugar. WE’RE DOWN DOZENS OF POUNDS OF SUGAR ALREADY, FOLKS.
2. Swap Beverages
Don’t drink things that are packed with sugar. Pretty simple. (Also, don’t drink cocaine mixed up in water, because WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?)
If you think diet sodas are any better, you’re wrong. YOU’RE WRONG, YOU HEAR ME? WRONG. Diet beverages typically contain aspartame and artificial sweetener. It sets off neurons in your brain to make you feel great but after your last sip you’re craving more of it.
It being sugar. Sugar being cocaine. What I’m trying to say is that Diet Coke forces you to get addicted to cocaine.
*gets sued by Coca-Cola*
*writes the rest of this article from a smaller prison INSIDE the first prison*
Anyway, the truth is on my side. In 2013, the Faculty of Medicine of the Federal University do Rio Grande do Sul conducted a study on the effects of aspartame, saccharine, and sugar on rats. They found that rats who were fed saccharin or aspartame actually gained MORE weight than the rats who were fed sugar!
Remember the sudden appearance of the Vitamin Water brand? They tasted great and had vitamins and antioxidants in them but they were loaded with sugar. Sometimes over 30 grams in one bottle! That’s a lot of sugar!
Try swapping in flavored seltzer water. You still get the fun bubbly carbonation and flavor but without harmful added sugars. If you choose another flavored beverage, be sure to check the label for sugar content even if you assume it shouldn’t have any.
Quiz: Do You Know the 3 Unique Vegetables That Fight Abdominal Fat?
3. Hidden Sugars
The trickiest part of cutting out sugar is finding the hidden sources. (Federal law enforcement nods sadly). Food manufacturers have come up with some clever ways to hide the fact that their products are loaded with this addictive substance.
Here’s a list of some of the names it’s hiding under. While certain sugars like agave nectar and honey are natural and better for you than aspartame or plain white sugar, they still add up to lots of sugar.
Are you ready for an enormous list? OK, here goes:
Barley Malt Syrup
Cane Juice Crystals
Corn Syrup Solids
Evaporated Cane Juice
Fruit Juice Concentrate
Grape Juice Concentrate
High-Fructose Corn Syrup
Organic Raw Sugar
I’m going to pretend these are all weird slang names for cocaine, and REALLY confuse people. It’ll be fun! “Gimme 30 grams of that good cane juice crystals. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.”
4. Simple Carbs
While they’re not sugar, these go hand in hand as another evil white substance that is wrecking havoc on your body. (…besides the patriarchy that is ohhh burn, old white men that control society #gotyougood)
If you’re eating store-made desserts or little cakes and cookies in plastic wrappers, they probably contain white flour. You know what your body does with that white flour? it turns directly into sugar, because your body is a huge d-bag.
Have you ever eaten a whole ton of sushi or Chinese takeout only to be ravenous an hour or two later? It’s because you’re eating simple, white carbs like rice and noodles. They have very little nutritional value and your body is basically converting it into sugar. Then you crash, and crave more sugar, and you’re calling up your dealer for some “evaporated cane juice”.
As you’re phasing out sugar, start to cut back on your white flour and simple carbs. When possible, swap in whole grains, brown rice, or even use vegetables to replace the carbs.
For example, a lot of burger places offer bun-less options and wrap the burger in lettuce with toppings. I promise you won’t even miss the bread.
(OK, that’s a blatant lie. You’ll miss it at first. But when you realize you’re eating hunders of pounds less of sugar per year, it’ll make you feel better)
In order to form a new habit, your brain needs about a month to reroute neurons and retrain it to follow a new path. Cutting out sugar is a process but it relies on your consistency and dedication to it.
If it’s too hard to quit cold-turkey, make a plan to cut out one thing each week so that you’re making progress on a sliding scale. Maybe you choose cutting out muffins for breakfast one week and tackling your soda addiction the next.
Take the steps you need and keep at it. In fact, the less you eat sugar, the less your body craves it. If you can get a grip on your cravings, you can cut out the feeling of wanting sugar for good.
Plus then you won’t be arrested for cocaine trafficking. EVERYONE WINS (except the for-profit industrial prison complex).
Leave me a comment and tell me how your sugar detox is going. Together, we can quit this horrible white powder!
(Oh, also, if any of you have tips about escaping from a prison inside a prison, I’d really appreciate it. thaaaaaanks warden please don’t read this part).
How To Stop Eating Sugar
- Cut the desserts
- Swap out sodas and sugary beverages
- Avoid hidden sugars in your diet
- Stay away from simple carbs
- Be consistent and keep your good habits
1. “Profiling Food Consumption in America.” United States Department of Agriculture, 2010.
2. Appetite Journal, Vol 60., January 2013