Are your extra pounds refusing to come off? Have you tried everything to shake off the last bit of weight you’re trying to lose only to find it sticking around and possibly even increasing?Are those pounds actually duct taped to your body? Are you walking around with 30lb weight superglued to your midsection, oblivious to people staring, clanking and staggering your way to despair?
Why are you doing that? Who would tape weights to their body? What kind of person is reading this article?
If you’re not a completely and utterly insane person and you still have trouble losing weight, your metabolism may be to blame . Your body isn’t burning as many calories as you would like and it’s driving you crazy. What’s more frustrating than busting your butt at the gym and still seeing the same big butt in the mirror weeks or months later?
Probably your house burning down the same day that your boss decides he’s having an extra-marital affair with your beloved pet. Who passed away three years ago. That would be more frustrating, probably.
So assuming that your boss isn’t doing horrible things to Boots the cat, how can you boost your metabolism? The two halves of that sentence make NO sense together… Anyway.
I’ve had this problem before (not the cat thing) and I know the anger and frustration it can cause when you hit a plateau in your fitness and weight loss goals. Luckily for you, there’s a solution! (Isn’t there always a solution?)
I mean, come on. When’s the last time you read one of these articles that didn’t have a solution? Then again, if I didn’t have a solution for you, why would I be writing the article?
Oh yeah, dolla dolla $skrillz y’all dolla
But yeah, uhh, I do have a solution.
With a couple of simple tricks, you can increase your metabolism and burn more fat. That means you’ll be burning fat while you’re at work, or making dinner – instead of having to sweat it off in the gym. .
It’s actually not even that hard. Way easier than the conversation you’re going to have to have with your boss and his new beaux, Boots.
I’m sorry peta. Don’t take down my article please. Here, have these tips. I hope they help you. Please. I’m sorry, peta, nooooo
1. Stand Up
Sitting in an office job all day isn’t good for your health but what can you do? Well, you can f*cking stand up. there’s a novel idea. i wrote it like directly above that sentence .
Honestly, there’s rhetorical questions and then there’s rhetorical questions. Which one was that? <-- so meta
Whenever possible, while you’re at work, do something standing up rather than sitting down. You’re burning more calories with the effort and you’re straightening out your posture.
This also counts when you’re on the phone. Walking around while you’re talking on the phone gives your body the movement it craves. Plus, it just feels good. You can pretend you’re a big shot stock executive hammering home a last minute deal to swindle the public! Or, if you are a big shot stock executive doing exactly that, you can use your feet to carry you out your office window and onto the pavement below!
Ok, I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably thinking that all you have to do is drink some coffee, head to the commode, fire out your morning business, and boom. You’re like 10-15 pounds lighter.
That is the best plan in the history of ever. But it’s also gross. You’re gross.
Coffee is great not just for greasing the chute (gross) but also for boosting your metabolism. Just a cup or two of this morning staple can rev you up and turn your metabolism on high gear to burn extra calories. It’s best when had with some healthy carbs prior to working out. That’s when you get the biggest percentage of increase in energy and fat-burning power.
Coffee contains several substances that can help with weight loss. Caffeine will stimulate your central nervous system and boost your metabolism. Coffee also has theobromine and theophylline, which are similar to caffeine and have a similar stimulant effect. Plus, it’s got chlorogenic acid, which has been shown to help slow your body’s absorption of carbohydrates.
If you can, drink black coffee. Not only does it make you more powerful , it’s also way better for you. If you’re trying to burn more calories and fat, drinking a super sugary and milky coffee kind of defeats the purpose. If you can’t stomach it black, use non-fat creamers and sugar substitutes.
And now I just had a mental image of me playing chess against a dude wearing a white t-shirt that says purpose on it. Like defeating the purpose. Let’s move on.
3. Green Tea
Coffee isn’t the only hot liquid in the metabolism game. Green tea is moving in on coffee’s corners, and coffee is pissed. They’ve already dropped 3 bodies over the past 2 weeks, and I’m sure there’s more to come. The metabolism game is hard, man. Come at the king, you best not miss.
Green tea is a great way to get many of the same benefits of coffee, but without the ensuing caffeine headache and super focus that causes you to shoot lasers from your eyes and ignite your drywall. Studies show that drinking 3-4 cups of green tea per day can have enormous health benefits.
In one study from the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, green tea was found to have theromgenic properties (see the next section for a definition of thermogenic), and it also was found to boost the subjects’ metabolism.
Drinking matcha green tea right before a workout also helps your body burn up to 30% more fat. That’s science . You can tell by the % symbol in that sentence. That’s the science signal.
Variety is the spice of life! That’s a spicy meatball! Spice: it’s what’s for dinner! The spice must flow!
Uhh, spice. Spice is good for your metabolism.
Adding a couple shakes of hot sauce or diced peppers to your meal (the spicy ones, not bell peppers) can increase your metabolism after you’ve eaten, helping you to burn calories.
The capsaicin in chili peppers revs up the thermogenic effect of your body, increasing your potential to burn up to 90 more calories after consumption. Do you know what thermogenic means? It means your body gets hotter, which burns more calories because that metaphor is totally literal! Your body gets hotter science as it gets hotter. blowing my mind right now .
Besides the fact that spicy food is the literal best thing in the universe, it’s good for you as well. But don’t overload on it. If you have heartburn or acid reflux, you might want to skip the hot sauce. Otherwise, drizzle some on everything . Spicy food is like, number 3 on the list of why people are alive.
5. Small Snacks
You like that up there? Small Snacks. That’s alliteration. I’m gonna trademark that (Note: it’s probably already trademarked). Wait, does it count as alliteration if it’s not like a hard consonant? Like, terrible treacle is alliterative, but small snacks has that soft S sound. What was this article about again? Metabolism? Let’s get back to that…
When you’re hungry and you can’t wait for dinnertime, it’s tempting to reach for a bag of chips, a granola bar, anything that will make your stomach stop rumbling. But you’re doing more harm to your weight loss than good.
Now, obviously, if you’re hungry, you should eat. When you’re hungry and you don’t eat all it does is slow your metabolism and make your brain angry. So snacking is totally cool, but you just have to snack on the right things.
Apples and peanut butter, whole grain crackers and high quality cheese, or even a small bowl of oatmeal with blueberries on top makes a mini meal that will tide you over and rev up your metabolism.
But don’t overdo it. You know that moment in a meal where you’re like “ok, this food is delicious, and I want to keep putting it into my mouth, but I know that if I wait like 10 minutes I’m going to be full”? And you know how the natural response to that moment is to shove as much delicious food into your mouth as possible before your body tells you please stop?
Don’t do that. Keep the snack small, and then wait like 15 minutes. The hunger will go away.
You’re giving yourself enough energy to make it to dinnertime and forcing your body to burn calories by digesting your mini-meal. You want to choose something with complex carbs and protein so that it takes a while to break down and digest. This leaves you feeling fuller for longer and your metabolism is at work.
6. Nicoise Salad
So when I read this at first I thought it said Nic Cage salad, and I was all about it. Nic Cage is the best. Anyway, this is actually a salad, and not Nic Cage. Sorry.
This classic French salad can be a healthy, richly filling meal when you put the ingredients together yourself. It’s loaded with veggies and fiber but it also packs in some slow-digesting protein in the hard-boiled eggs and salmon.
I guess you could eat one while you’re watching Bad Detective or Raising Arizona or something. Then you could have a Nic Nicoise Cage Salad. Someone paid me money to write that sentence.
7. Eating Mindfully
This one’s simple. Eat brains. Eating other people’s brains is a delicious on the go snack that will keep you full and brrraaaaaiiiinnsssss.
Alright I’m tempted to just write brains over and over for the rest of this article and pretend that I turned into a zombie (who somehow knows how to type on a keyboard and chooses to do that instead of searching for tender, tasty head meat), but instead we’re gonna keep moving forward. Sorry y’all.
Anyway, mindful eating is about paying attention to what you’re eating instead of going for the easy snack and munching on it without thinking. Don’t just unconsciously shovel food into your mouth when you’re hungry (like a zombie!) because that’s a recipe for overeating (like a zombie!).
A joint nih-funded study between Indiana State University and Duke University found that binge eaters who were coached on mindfulness-based eating greatly reduced their binge eating habits and their depression, which results in weight loss.
Instead, slow down and mindfully chew every bite you take (unlike a zombie!) Just take the time to enjoy your meal (zombies enjoy their meals). It takes 20 minutes for your stomach to signal your brain that you’ve had enough (zombies never have enough).
By slowing down, you allow those signals to be accurate instead of overloading on food and getting the signals well after you should have stopped.
8. Activity Bursts
Bursts of activity are good! It shocks your body awake! Your body is like “bluuuuuuuuuuuugh I’m sleepy I don’t wanna burn calories let’s watch Netflix” and then bursts of activity are like “yo wake up and burn calories” and your body is like “k”.
When possible, give yourself a burst of activity. Whether it’s (safely!) running up a flight of stairs, or even doing a quick set of pushups in your cubicle on your break, or setting your workplace on fire and playing “race to the exit”, quick bursts of activity each day will do wonders for your metabolism.
These mad dashes of activity get your heart rate up and burn calories, revving your metabolism up a little bit after you’ve stopped. Find ways to sneak in bursts of activity like taking the stairs instead of the elevator or helping someone carry in really heavy bags of groceries, or sprinting away while trying to steal someone’s really heavy bag of groceries.
That’s it. That’s my bag of tricks. They boost your metabolism. They’re simple. They’ve got Nic Cage. I don’t know what more you want from me.
Try some of these out and let me know how they work for you. Have you found other ways to boost your metabolism or sneak in mini workouts? Are you a zombie? I want to hear from you (to make sure you are alive and/or the zombie apocalypse hasn’t started).
The Best Ways To Speed Up Your Metabolism
- Stand up and move around
- Drink more coffee
- Add green tea to your routine
- Eat more spicy food
- Eat small snacks over the day
- Try a healthy nicoise salad
- Eat mindfully
- Add quick activity bursts throughout your day
1. “The effect of chlorogenic acid enriched coffee on glucose absorption in healthy volunteers and its effect on body mass when used long-term in overweight and obese people.” The Journal of International Medical Research, 2007.
2. “Efficacy of a green tea extract rich in catechin polyphenols and caffeine in increasing 24-h energy expenditure and fat oxidation in humans.” The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, 1999.
3. “Mindful eating may help with weight loss.” Harvard Health Puplications, Harvard Medical School, July 2011.