I remember being in a relationship where jealousy got the best of me.
I was checking his phone when he would go to the bathroom. I even asked him who he was talking to everytime he picked up his phone.
Nevermind the fact that he was secretive, that he lied a lot, or that he wasn’t exactly faithful.
No… I let jealousy … get the best of me .
This guy, who did what he wanted, was married to me and I was so overruled by jealousy that I had to know his every move. I needed to know.
“I didn’t want to look like a fool,” is what I kept telling myself. I would be so convinced that I needed solid proof every time I called him out. The only way I felt “in control” was to be “in the know”.
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This guy was mine, and I wanted to have a say.
One day, after a divorce and a couple attempts at reconciliation with this man, I realized I was trying to compensate control measures as a way to deal with my lack of self-love.
Jealousy is about comparison, not possession.
I could not control his choices. I could only control my own. Yet, I was so bent on believing that if I at least knew what the truth was, then I could make a validated choice.
I had given up all of the focus on myself. I was trying to validate a reason for why I felt jealous.
The truth was though… He couldn’t tell it and I didn’t need it.
So I took the long “scenic” route to figuring out how to tame the jealousy, and here’s what I found.
Keep the eye on the prize – that’s you… not him. He does not become more important than you just because you made a commitment to each other.
Clean out from under the rug – This is twofold, as you will need to have a come to Jesus meeting with yourself, and then have one with him. The fact is, you need to get honest about what you’re feeling… And how you’d like to feel. Keep inventory over what you are in control of, and what he can help with. Communication about this stuff is the only way to see if you can move past it.
Examine the truth – Can he be faithful and honest? Does his actions and words match? If the answer is no, then there’s nothing more you can do for him. You can’t force a man to be honest, no matter how many times you catch him in a lie.
Go easy on yourself – show yourself some compassion girlfriend.
Trying to be perfect really sets you on a very unattainable end goal. You’re pretty awesome in all your quirks, and beautiful in all your flaws and perks.
Get reacquainted with yourself and learn how to cherish your amazing qualities.
Check your source – Remember that Jealousy is the “I don’t have that” feeling. When we are missing out on having what we want, we need to get clear on the source we are looking to fill it. you are the most important source of your happiness. How you fulfill this can be done through emotional healing, and new adventures.
Remember ladies, you are valuable, and you deserve to have a journey you love!
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How To Stop Being Jealous
- Keep the eye on the prize
- Clean out from under the rug
- Examine the truth
- Go easy on yourself
- Check your source
With a M.S. degree in Forensic Psychology, and relationship/love coach training, Kristi Kay specializes in emotional awareness, communication, self-love, and authentic self-expression for women. All of these factors influence the success, and satisfaction, of a woman’s journey in love.
The goal of Kristi Kay Coaching is to provide women the confidence in their authenticity and vulnerability again. Her free eBook– “It’s Your Love Journey, Enjoy the Ride- Three Steps to Shifting the Vibe”- can be obtained by subscribing to her newsletter. It focuses on taking the awkwardness out of interacting with men.
Jealousy killed or marriage of 44 years. For some time now (years) my husbands jealousy has been brewing a storm that I couldn’t quiet down. He is jealouse of all of my time, job, money, friends, and accomplishments, and especially any relationships with my families members. Even eating out without him. Yes it has become a huge monster. And it is ugly. It can go way far past anything you can imagine. It has for him. Worst of all, he feeds on it from everything I do everyday. I can’t feed the monster any longer. I have left him.
I have been real jealous about a g/f in the past and it turned out that I was so worried about losing her that I made things up in my head that would create anxiety that led to jealous reactions. My bad.
There is nothing worse than being jealous about every little thing. I know that when a guy is always that way, it is a major turn off, so why wouldn’t it be for the guy if his lady friend is?
I have at least 2 friends that would benefit from reading this post. I am going to share it with them and see what happens!
I cannot stop being jealous. I have so many trust issues and I know that is part of it. I need to get a self help book or something.
Now that you are admitting the issue, getting help is the next best thing. Good luck!
I guess if you can see that your jealousy is getting out of hand and cannot keep it in check, there might be something to look at!
I always thought that jealousy was a personality thing and would not expect that you could change it in a person. However, after reading through some of these, I think it is something that you could “unlearn”.
I wish I could stop being jealous. I think it might be more of a trust issue, does that make sense?
Like someone else mentioned here, it might be time for a self help book or two.
I hate jealous people. The best part is that they think they are being sneaky about it when in fact they are transparent as glass.
I have a jealous husband. We still love each other very much, but the extra stress is not really worth it, right?
To me, it is not worth it. There is nothing REAL that comes from being fearful of a jealous reaction all of the time.
I had a jealous boyfriend for a little less than one year. It was the most stressful year of my entire life. I started to think that I was giving him reasons to be jealous, but I think that was just his nature. Too bad, cause I really liked him.
Well, I am glad that you got rid of him. Good luck in the future.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to know what your man is up to, but being possessive about a person, even after you are married, can get old for them. Take a step back and before you freak out, are your feelings justified?
Jealousy is one thing that can ruin a great relationship, whether it be romantic or just friendship.
From what I see, actions always speak louder than words. If he is acting weird, confront him and see what is going on. But tread lightly so you do not look like a crazy, jealous g/f.
Jealousy sucks. When you are on the other end of someone’s jealousy, you feel helpless and there might not be anything you can do but ride it out.
Jealousy does suck. It sucks the life and passion out of any relationship. It makes both parties feel on edge. You can’t control another person’s jealous feelings either.
Thank you for your response!
I agree. I can sense it a mile away and as long as I did not do anything to warrant it, I let the guy go and move on.
Do you think that jealousy is worse in men or woman?
I believe men and women have different responses to jealousy, but I can’t make a statistic statement on whether one or the other is WORSE. – Thanks for your response!
I agree with this. I often wondered who handles it worse than others, but in reality, it comes down to your personality and everyone is different in that way.
Sometimes I wonder how much jealousy is just miscommunication from a source or from the guy himself. I mean, if you are in a serious relationship, then you should be able to trust.
Jealousy plays on an insecurity that’s already there. Whether it was put there by the guy himself, or it was already created in a woman’s past. Either way, if jealousy is that strong… the trust is probably very sketchy (regardless if it’s warranted or not). – Thanks for your response!
So what, the guy is on his cell phone. Who isn’t?
Yeah, that is true, but what is he DOING on this cellphone while he is with you? Not that you need all of his attention, but what if he is giving it to someone else right in front of you?
In the article, it mentioned “Nevermind the fact that he was secretive, that he lied a lot, or that he wasn’t exactly faithful.” – Checking the phone, even after the apologies, was a way for me to feel “in control” by being “in the know.” You feel like you’re grasping at straws by that point.
Obviously this isn’t healthy, and it should be time to move forward. Which is why focusing on yourself and getting yourself in a better place in life is key. We can’t control what another person does. When we get consumed about their behavior, we lose ourselves.
Thank you for your response!
Do you think you could teach my wife from being jealous all the time? I cannot figure out what her problem is but she always get cranky when we are around other people.
You say she gets cranky around other people? Is this a jealousy thing, or an adaptability issue? Some people don’t do well in crowds. If you feel you two want to work on this with me, you can contact me through the links by my picture! I appreciate your question and hope the best for you two!
I just wonder sometimes what it would be like to be jealous of other people. I never really felt that way about any situation and think that it must be a sad state to be in.
It is not an attractive feature to anyone, that is for sure!
It’s quite a blessing you’ve never felt the insecurities that trigger jealousy. I wish you a continued life of peace :)
Thank you for your response!
I feel the same way. I have never really been afflicted with jealousy, however I am also not a fool. I am sure my time will come and I hope that I can deal with it normally.
I dealt with a jealous boyfriend for a few years before I had had enough. It is not like you can go to see a therapist and change that feeling they get inside. I wish he would have changed for me, he was lovely otherwise :/
I’m sure that was tough to release a person you care about. But it’s good to know you had the strength to leave a toxic relationship.
Wishing you the best, and happiest future. Thank you for your response!
Jealousy is a very hard emotion to control in some people. It is weird, because I have friends on both sides of the spectrum and it can get a little overwhelming sometimes to be around them.
Ultimately, jealousy is fear. It creeps up with insecurities. When people heal insecurities, they heal the fear. Jealousy can definitely be overwhelming! Thank you for your response!