So you’re looking around for signs that you’re not ready to be in a relationship.
Maybe you’ve been hurt a few times in your love life – either from the wrong type of guy, or the wrong kind of relationship, where things just fell apart between you.
Maybe you’re just not happy with your love life.
And right now you’re wondering whether the problem is the guys out there, or whether the problem might start with you.
Chances are, it’s not all your fault. Every problem in a relationship takes two people.
But if things aren’t working out in your love life and you want to know if you’re contributing to that, this is a good place to start.
more: The 8 Things Every Man Really Wants In A Woman
So in this article, I’m going to go over some of the biggest things that self-sabotage a woman in her dating life.
These things rear their heads at the worst possible moments, bringing down potential relationships before they get started, or destroying promising relationships before they get a chance to really grow.
If you recognize any of these patterns in yourself, it’s a good idea to take a step back from dating and address what’s going on in yourself before you jump back into the dating pool.
Take This Quiz And Find Out Right Now: Are You Sabotaging Your Love Life?
Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Are You Sabotaging Your Love Life” Quiz right now and find out if you’re sabotaging your love life, and if you need to get out of your own way…
You can save yourself a lot of hurt and heartbreak by addressing the things you have control over before putting yourself out there to be hurt in a relationship.
So, without further intro:
The 4 Biggest Reasons You Might Not Be Ready For A Relationship
1. You’re Desperate To Be In A Relationship
If you want to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship – and be able to say that you’re in a relationship – that’s going to mess you up.
The best relationships start (and flourish) because both parties naturally enjoy being with each other. No ulterior motives, no secret agendas, and no motivations besides ‘it feels really good to be around this person, I want to be around them more.’
If you’re desperate to be in a relationship because you just like the idea of being in a relationship with someone, it’s going to color and influence all of your actions around men – and wind up turning them off.
more: The Real Reasons Guys Disappear After A Great First Date
They’ll be able to sense your desperation, because you’ll have an ulterior motive around them (you want to be ‘in a relationship’, not ‘in a relationship with them‘).
It’s the same way you might feel icky around a sales person who’s pushing you to buy something. They have an ulterior motive (getting you to buy something) that colors everything they do – even if they’re trying to act friendly around you.
So any guy you see will sense that you don’t want to be in a relationship with him specifically, you just want any relationship.
The way around this is to drop the desperate need to be in a relationship, since it’s not going to do you any good. Instead, focus on finding a guy who makes you feel really good when you’re around him… someone who you can act natural with and still feel relaxed.
2. You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex
If you’re still waking up every day thinking about your ex, it’s not the best idea to jump into another relationship.
That usually leads to a rebound relationship, which will wind up hurting the person you’re with (because you’re not really interested in a relationship with him). It also winds up hurting you, because rebound relationships don’t work to help you forget your ex, and usually wind up making you feel worse.
Now, that’s not to say that going on dates and meeting guys is a bad idea after a breakup – far from it. It’s easiest to get over someone when you put yourself back out there and see that there are guys interested in you.
more: What Do A Guy’s Excuses Really Mean?
But if you’re seriously longing for your ex in your heart, starting a real, capital R Relationship isn’t the way to get over him – it’s not fair to your potential new partner and it’s not fair to yourself.
So don’t hold back from casually seeing guys while you’re trying to get over a bad breakup… but don’t try to start a new real relationship if you’re still not over your ex.
3. You’re Crushing Hard On Someone And Want To Change Yourself To Be Who You Think He Wants
The best, happiest, and most stable relationships happen when two people are able to be their authentic selves around each other. When two people are acting totally natural around each other, and it makes both of them happy – that’s a relationship that lasts.
That’s what I mean when I talk about compatibility – when it just feels good to be around him and he feels good to be around you, without having to pretend to be someone else or put on a mask.
If you can be your true self around a guy and he really enjoys being with you – that’s’ a great sign that the relationship will last.
more: Signs You’re Not Emotionally Ready For A Relationship
So if you’re crushing on a guy, and you think you have to change who you are in order to get him to like you, know that you’re sabotaging your relationship before it can even begin.
If you’re already changing how you dress, or how you act, or what you do in order to try to fit what you think his ‘type’ is – you’re ruining your chances at a great relationship. He’ll be able to tell that you’re not being yourself – because you won’t be acting natural.
Instead, you’ll be forcing yourself to act in an unnatural way, which is like trying to build your relationship on quicksand. It sabotages the foundation of any potential relationship.
So find someone who wants to be with you for the person you are when you’re totally relaxed, comfortable, and being yourself – that’s how you get into a relationship that lasts.
4. You’re Not Happy With Your Life
This is the biggest reason that women find themselves getting into relationships that fall apart over and over again.
If you’re frustrated with your love life because all your relationships seem to end in heartbreak, this might be the reason.
more: Indicators Of People Who Aren’t Ready For A Real Relationship
It’s a similar reason to the first one – that you’re desperate to be in a relationship – in that if you’re not happy and you’re looking for a relationship to make you happy, it’s going to backfire and probably blow up in your face.
The truth is, the best and longest lasting relationships happen when two people who are already fulfilled in their lives come together and enjoy being with each other. They share the happiness that’s already in their lives with each other, and create a new, greater happiness together.
If you’re counting on a relationship to make you happy, it sucks all the life and energy out of the relationship and inevitably destroys it from the inside.
No one wants to be the person solely responsible for another person’s happiness. That’s not a relationship –that’s a dependency. (And if he’s also relying on you for his happiness, that’s co-dependence, which turns toxic at the drop of a hat).
A relationship will feel good when both partners have their own lives outside the relationship – and share their lives together because they like being around each other… not because they derive all their happiness and fulfillment from the relationship.
The best way to put it is that the relationship should be the frosting on the cake – not the cake itself.
If you’re counting on a relationship to bring you out of a funk and make you happy, the end result will be that you’re frustrated when he can’t ‘fix’ your unhappiness, and he will feel drained and resent having to prop you up in order to bring you out of unhappiness.
more: How To Know If You’re Not Ready For A Relationship
True happiness can only come from within – if you pardon the cliché.
So if you want a happy relationship, focus on doing things in your life that make you happy outside of the relationship. Try picking up hobbies you might have dropped, or getting in touch with friends you might not have seen in a while.
When you do what you can to make your life happy and fulfilling outside of a relationship, you bring that positive energy into every interaction you have, and enrich all your future relationships because of it.
Why? Because you won’t be looking for the relationship to magically fix all your problems and make you happy – you’ll be happy on your own and looking to share your happiness with someone else.
That’s it – those are the 4 biggest reasons that a woman might not be ready for a relationship. There are other ones, but those are the biggest ‘silent killers’ that I see destroy relationships before they even start.
If you avoid these, you put yourself in a good position to be in the kind of relationship that you want.
I hope this article helped you see some of the biggest things that make you feel you are not ready for a relationship. I want to talk about one last one that may be considered “controversial.”
You might feel you’re not ready for a relationship because the man you want isn’t’ sending you the signals you need to feel secure. This happens for one reason: he himself isn’t feeling secure and when this happens his male biology is going to program him to lose interest and stop pursuing the relationship. He’ll become distant and even pull away making what otherwise would be a great relationship into a total disaster. That’s why I believe it’s important for you to read this article right now: If He’s Pulling Away, Do This…
Want to find out once and for all: Are You Sabotaging Your Love Life? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Are You Sabotaging Your Love Life?” Quiz right now and find out if you’re sabotaging your love life, and if you need to get out of your own way…
Take The Quiz: Are You Sabotaging Your Love Life?
The Top Reasons You’re Not Ready For A Relationship
- You’re desperate to be in a relationship
- You can’t stop thinking about your ex
- You’re crushing hard on someone and want to change yourself to be who you think he wants
- You’re not happy with your life
uuugh, my friends keep telling me the same thing. i hope i can change especially now that the new year has just started. i really want a fresh start.
wow, this is very timely for the brand new year! i need and this and i hope this year i can be ready and be brave to move forward.
this is true and i, myself have been through this..it’s like was so desperate to have a boyfriend and then later on realized i wasn’t even ready for any type of commitment. it broke me and the guy i was seeing back then :'(
thanks for this, i have been reminded once again.
thanks for pointing this out. i often fall into the trap of being so desperate to be in a relationship just because. most of the time it is just for fun or to be w/ someone i can call mine. too sad, i know. :(
i was in this kind of mess and thankfully now i’m finally done and moved on. i can say i’m so ready for my great love (:
i really appreciate these kind of articles that tackle sensitive but true issues in relationships that may seem to be ok and accepted but shouldn’t be the case. thanks for your help as always
definitely makes sense. a lot of women do not realize this until they fall into the same trap and commit the same mistakes
thanks so much for this blog. i know i am in this kind of situation, i’ll try my best to make closure of my past and move on w/ a happy heart. <3
this makes a lot of sense. a lot of single people think they will be happier when they get into a relationship. they try to find happiness in another person/relationship which makes things more miserable.
oh, ive been through these stages and i can say i had to because i learned so much from the experiences and i wouldn’t be as happy with what i have now have i not been through all that.
wanting to be in a relationship out of desperation is surely gonna get you nowhere. settle your excess baggage first and then try to date and see where things go..
this is a good read. i have always been a baby when it comes to relationships. this is something i didn’t think i needed
a lot of women are guilty of this but really unaware of the truth
your ideas make a lot of sense. a lot of women do not realize their awful reasons in wanting to be in a relationship
this is very true to most women. a must- read article for those wanting to get into relationships but are still trapped to their past
definitely worth reading. a lot of women actually make these huge mistakes
if you are desperate to be in a relationship only for the sake of having one, thhis should never be the case. men would feel and know eventually so it will never work out in the end. you will be crushed all over again.
every woman needs to read this. it’s just a must before going exclusive with a guy or even thinking about getting into a relationship
you need to make sure you’ve moved on from your past relationship before getting into one. no one deserves to be treated as a rebound
these are obvious reasons but when you’re in the situation, you do not even notice how bad you are already stuck
if you are with a guy but also thinking about another guy and how you like his looks & personality, then you are in for a mess. make sure you don’t do this.
this is good read to really assess oneself. i think women need to be really ready before even wanting to be in a relationship. and being ready means being happy and content with your life as single.
if you think getting in a relationship will make you happy, then you’re wrong. being single should mold you to a happy and better you and not depend on someone else.
if your desperation to be in a relationship is basically because of peer pressure, you are definitely not ready for a real one.
if you still feel bad about your past especially with your previous relationship, this will reflect and it will really show. move on and look ahead, there’s much more to be excited about.
this may crush you but it is the truth. you cannot give what you do not have. better be sure you have the correct motives in getting in a new relationship
if you’re not happy with your life being single, you will be just the same or maybe even more unhappy being in a relationship having more things to think about, another person care for, etc
if you’re not completely over your ex, you’re definitely not ready for a relationship at all.
a lot of women think they will find happiness in a man/relationship. sure, you will be happy if you are in a relationship with the right guy. but if your happiness depends on him or on the relationship, you’ll soon be heart-broken with just the smallest disappointments and problems.