Question: I’ve been best friends with a guy for the last 5 years and I’m secretly in love with him. I’m not sure what to do because I’m afraid if I confess my feelings, I will not only humiliate myself but it will ruin our friendship.
Even worse, I don’t think he “feels that way” about me. Except when we hang out, he’s super considerate and I think he might be flirting with me.
People even ask us if we’re together when we’re out. I’ve hinted at how I feel about him, and he basically said “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”
It was heartbreaking, but I’m convinced he’s just scared of how intense our bond is. How do I make him realize that we’re meant to be?
So you have a guy friend who you’ve developed intense, strong feelings for that you honestly can’t control. You feel in your gut you could be perfect together if only he would see things the same way as you.
You trust him with everything. You can talk to him for hours and every moment spent together puts a smile on your face. You feel like he always knows what’s on your mind and you know what’s on his.
Take The Quiz: Are You Compatible With Him?
Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Are You Compatible” Quiz right now and find out if you’re really compatible with him…
Everything is perfect except for one thing…you aren’t in a relationship. Maybe he’s said things to you like, “You’re the most important person in the world to me and I’ll always be there for you.”
Or, “You’re like a sister to me.”
Or even, “I don’t want to risk ruining the great relationship we already have. You’re my best friend.”
Still, you can’t help but shake the feeling that he’s “the one”, the perfect man for you. All you want is to know what you can do to finally make him see it the way you do.
How can you become more than just friends? How do you get out of the friend zone?
Why Is He Afraid Of Being More Than Friends?
– His Heart Was Broken
If your guy had his heart broken from a previous relationship, he’s much less likely to start a relationship with a woman he sees as a close friend. He feels like you’re a person he can go to when he feels vulnerable and weak, and he almost becomes emotionally dependent on your availability as his friend.
Likewise, he may feel that if he starts a relationship with you, he risks losing that emotional security and will experience similar heartbreak.
Solution: Make time for yourself. Show him that you can have a happy fulfilling time without him (and he will have to find a way to be fulfilled and happy without you being around as much).
I’m not saying cut him out of your life, that doesn’t make any sense at all. But what I am saying is to let him do the chasing.
Have you ever heard the song, “Hooked On A Feeling”? Well, aside from it being a classic, it’s a perfect example of how guys feel when a woman presents a challenge. It literally hooks a guy on to the idea of pursuing you.
Take this quiz and find out Are You Compatible With Him?
– He Feels Like You’re The Safe Option
One major turn off that drives men away is neediness. If he feels like you’re always going to be around because you’re giving off signals that you really want to be in a relationship, he’s going to immediately lose interest and file you under the “safe option”.
This is the very last thing you want, because it means he will either think of you last when it comes to starting a relationship, or he won’t think of you at all because he knows you are going to stick around no matter what, even if he says he’s not interested.
Solution: Examine what you are doing. Don’t get so caught up on making him out to be the “perfect” guy for you that you put him on a pedestal and almost worship the idea of a relationship with him.
Instead, you need to relax. Don’t treat this like it’s the only chance at love and a relationship that you’ll ever have, because it’s not.
This leads me to my final thought.
Keep your options open! Don’t tie yourself up with a “possible relationship” and close off every other option that comes along. In some cases, this will cause him to realize he’s about to lose his chances with you.
I am not saying to pretend like you are over him and that you’ve “moved on,” I am saying to actually move on. It’s going to give off an attractive, refreshing energy he will naturally want to be around.
First of all, when you are fixated on your feelings for him, it gives off a needy vibe. If you let go of your fixation and accept that you are genuinely just friends…
you automatically get rid of the “needy” vibe. Having a needy vibe is an instant turn off to a man.
Another benefit of moving on is that when a man feels like he could lose you, he has room to pursue you. Here’s a secret about men you need to know: men want to feel like winners in the world.
If you give him the chance to “win you” by stepping back, accepting things as they are and moving on (genuinely moving on, not just pretending to) it makes him more likely to step up and pursue you as more than just a friend.
If you keep trying to push for an outcome (escaping the friend zone) you will make it 100% impossible to ever have a romantic relationship with him.
Another thing to keep in mind, as tough as it may be, is that if you’ve expressed your interest in a relationship, and he still only wants to be friends, it’s time to listen to what he’s saying.
How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone With A Guy
If you want to get out of the friend zone with the man you really want, there are two main things to focus on. First off, you want to focus on yourself and your happiness. Men (and women) are attracted to people who are happy, relaxed, and enjoying themselves and their lives. The second step to getting out of the friend zone is opening your options to include not just him. When he realizes that you’re not fixated on him, it makes him “put up or shut up” – and if you ever had a chance with him he realizes that he needs to step forward or risk losing you to another man.
I know hearing this will hurt, but the truth is maybe he’s just not attracted to you in that way. Maybe he’s just not ready for a relationship at all.
You have to ask yourself, is it going to make you any happier if you sit there and worry about every single thing this guy is thinking and doing?
If you keep waiting around for a certain outcome with your friend, you will waste time fixating on a guy who is never going to come around which is time you could have spent meeting the man of your dreams.
Until next time,
P.S. If you’re not ready to give up on him, you should try to find out if you’re actually compatible romantically with him.
Compatibility is the #1 most important predictor of relationship success between two people. If you’re compatible – you’re golden. If you’re not…
Want to find out how compatible you are with him? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Are You Compatible” Quiz right now and find out whether you’re *really* compatible with him…
Earlier this year I was friends with this guy and we talked a lot in class but it was mostly about school work. I got feelings for him and we started snaping, and he even gave me his number. Corona happened so I haven’t seen him since but this summer i felt like I needed to tell him i liked him, so i texted him. And after a week of being left on read I responded did you get my text and immediately he said i dont really like anyone rn we can be friends. So i was just like thats ok. And ive texted him like once or twice a month since then just trying to keep in touch and be friends , but things are kinda weird. Like he will only respond to certain things. Before i told him i liked him we had a cute bitmoji conversation, but lately he only reads them, and ill send a message like a minute later and he will read it hours later at 1 am. But when i send him something funny or a game pigeon he will respond. Lately he hasnt even responded to a whats up or how r u. So I was confused and wanted to fix things and I said how are you. You haven’t texted in months am I annoying u of something. To try to figure out what was going on. I don’t wanna seem pushy so i havent said anything else. Pls help me
The answer is simple men can be so dumb which is why I’ll never be just friends with a guy I have a crush on he’s not interested he’s not my friend in the end if he can’t see it the way I do he’s losing my friendship
He likes me, and we have a physical attraction to each other, but he’s just not looking for a relationship right now. Makes sense to me considering his last relationship was quite long, and ended without a proposal or engagement. I guess I didn’t want to hear or believe it. Just friends for now.
End the friendship if it’s too hard to be just his friend he’s not entitled to your friendship
If a guy I like wants to be just friends with me I cut him off right then and there he’s not entitled to be my friend no guy is ever entitled to be any girls friend he doesn’t like it he can deal with it
I do not want to be out of the friends zone. I just want guy friends to treat me normally instead of always trying to get into my pants!
I am going to send this to a friend of mine that has been with a guy that she really likes but she fears they are too go of friends right now to move to the next step.
These are good tips. I would like to tell a guy friend that I am really into him, but I am not sure how to start that conversation.
Out of the friend zone, that is a tough one.
Yup, but it can be done :)
I am in a situation like this. I am not sure how to get around it, or if he is even interested in that with me. What do I do?
I like to have guy friends, but I can see the reason why you might fall for one of them. It can be a hard move, but these seem like good tips.
Getting out of the friend zone was hard for me. I was able to break the guy from just being friends, but then we realized we were not compatible as a couple so that didn’t work out that well.
I dont think these quizzes are really helping me. I am going to have to take it again…
I had a guy friend that wanted to date after a while. He said that I was leading him on by being his good friend. What does that mean?
sometimes you just do not want to be out of that zone, right? i like to have guy friends too!
exactly. guy friends are a good way to get more guys around you :)
My friends are closer to guys than to girls and I always found that to be weird, but maybe it is because of the friend zone. They are not worth it to date, so they just keep them as close friends.
I love being friends with guys. They can lead you to more guys that are already comfortable with you just because you have been hanging out together so that is a bonus.
I have dealt with guys that cannot seem to just remain friends with me. It is not an easy thing to break in a guy, but I have done it. Just keep trying.
Guy friends are the best, but only when they know they are JUST friends.
this article is a total different thing than mine. we’re not bestfriends but I actually share my secrets with him. he listens to me and tries to give suggestions if I’m ever in a problem. I’ve shared things like having a crush on my neighbours and so on with him. he just responds by laughing or saying”yeah crushes can be things hard to deal with”. I’ve hinted him a few times that I want us to be more that friends like in an indirect way but he just never realizes that I actually mean it. I feel like he’s that perfect guy with awesome voice,great guitar skills and somewhat cute. but the thing I hate about him is when we text,I’m the one to start the conversation and tell stupid things to keep it going. he’s texted me first only a few times but I came to know that he always texts first when he’s talking to one of my close friends(she doesn’t know I like him). that usually hang out together,talk for hours,post stupid stuffs on each other’s timeline which makes me really very jealous. please help me with it?
Well, it sounds like a friend only situation to me. Unless you want to start to spread it on very thick for him to notice and go from there.
The “friend zone”, I like that. I can understand why there would be a tough situation you cannot find a way around, but like many others here said, just talk to the guy.
I am in that situation right now. However, he wants to be more than friends and I just like where we are right now. How do I make sure not to ruin a good thing?
This can be a slippery slope to play on and I tell all of my clients that if they are going to head into a relationship from “friend” status, they need to tread lightly.
Exactly. Unless the both of you are outlining all of the feelings that you have for each other, or do not have, then it will be a tough game to figure out.
Ah, the dreaded friend zone, lol. Do you think that guys are thinking about something like this when they are getting along with a woman? I am going to say, nope. If they are getting along with us, that is because he notices the possibility of getting together with me, not away from me.
This can be tough for some woman to deal with. Sometimes the guy just is not that into you. There is nothing wrong with that, besides most men are afraid they will be turned down if they tell a woman friend how they really feel about them.
Anytime that someone gets the feeling they are not wanted, that is tough to accept.
I just think that if you are that into a guy, but he just wants to be friends that you need to respect that. If you keep on going after him, you could lose a great friendship and be left with nothing. Which is worse?
I have yet to find a reason that a guy would rather be friends without moving the relationship further. If you have been together and it did not work out and you stay friends, that is totally different, right?
Yeah, but it happens to people. And I think these are good tips if you want to try and move to the next level.
I liked a girl. I asked her out. The date seem.perfect
I liked a girl. I asked her out. The date seemed perfect. She told me we could only be friends. We became friends Later on i found out she liked me a lot. I wonder why then she told me to be only friends. She was a coward afraid of getting what she wanted and dishonest about being friends. After that discovery. There is no chance i will touch her as a lover. Only hugs for her when saying hi and good bye. Thus she got friend zoned.
Some men think that it is not easy to be friends with a woman that you are attractive to. I guess I could see their point, but friends is usually a common thread and both sides should agree, right?
I don’t see their point. They should be able to see the line between friendship and intimate relationship, right?
This is not that easy to do. Regardless of what other people say, I have only seen bad relationships from situations like this. Taking it slow and weighing all options might be the best case for the two people that are stuck.
I agree. Take a step back, analyze the situation and if there is anything you are not understanding, ask about it. Get on the same page and make sure you are not looking like a fool in the end.
OK so how do you make yourself NOT the safe option? Like i really like a guy and i want to be with him, but i have no idea how to get him to want to be with me. Telling me to “relax” isn’t really an option? If i could relax around him i wouldn’t be so obsessed with him…
Don’t you think you can just tell him how you feel? or did you try that already and realize that he did not respond the way you thought he would?
I would absolutely DIE if I told a guy friend how I felt about him and he did not feel the same way at that time!
I am in the same boat. If being in the friend zone with a guy is not good enough, there better be a good reason I feel that way about him and I hope he feels the same way!
why why WHy do men do this? why do they lead women on and say “oh were just friends” but then flirt sometimes!? why cant they just say what they mean and say “i dont want a relationship” or “i only want to be friends” instead of joking and laughing and flirting and sometimes seeming like he wants a relationship and other times seeming like hes cutting me off. why cant men just say what they want without playing games or being so confusing?
I do not think that men are necessarily leading anyone on. They might want something a little different. Is it so bad that you find a member of the opposite sex that is more fun to hang out with than date?
Girl you are dead wrong. Men always say what we want and mean. Its women who say something and means the opposite. A girl who had a crush on me told me that we can only be friends and she is super picky. So i though to my self. Ok. Im not good enough to be her man. But im ok with friendship. With no strings attached. Months later her friend told me she was resented at me because i did not make a move. I was like but she said we can be friend only cause she is so picky. To make it short. After i found out our friend ship was a fake, and she wanted to be more. I felt like i was dealing with a child. All attraction died and the friendship as well cause she always wanted more than friendship, but it was to late i lost all respect for her. So its women who does all you said. We men are straight forward
Men do this too. Not all men are straightforward.
This article really hit home for me in a lot of ways. But I feel like my situation is different. I have known this guy for about 5 years. We always have flirted casually, on and off… it was harmless. He has always told me he thinks i’m his “good friend.” He said i’m so close to him that I’m like a sister. He even talks to me about his problems with other women.
I assume he mentions other women to make me jealous, but I’m honestly not sure. I can’t figure out WHY he does it. And it honestly seems as if he does it on purpose as well because of how randomly and casually he brings it up. I don’t know. It makes no sense for him to be talking to me about OTHER girls.
I feel like it’s because he’;s secretly insecure deep down. And he is scared of how intense our bond is (seriously, it’s the most intense, telaphatheic spelled wrong don’t know how to spell that word but you get my point! bond in the world.)
When we’re together, it’s this electric perfection. And I KNOW he feels it. But then why does he mention other women?????? He even mentioned a mutual friend we have in common, how he’s into her… and I playfully asked him if he’s going to ask her out. And then he responded “you know, I think I might. Has she said anything about me?”
THAT was the one moment I truly doubted whether he was actually being serious or if this is all part of his “plan” to make me jealous. There’s no way he actually loves her, right?
Sorry if this is confusing, I’m just really upset and need help.
There is nothing to apologize about here. We have all been in the same boat at some point and it helps that you voice your thoughts here for some of us to help you with. Good luck!
There is nothing to apologize about here. Good luck with your situation.