You might feel like your man is pulling away, and you want to know what he needs from you. Whether you’ve gone on just one date or have been together for a decade married with children, the bottom line is you feel like you’re losing him.
And this thought scares you. It’s as if something is missing but you can’t really put your finger on what it is. It’s like you’re going out of your way to make him happy and trying to figure out what it is he wants and needs but for some reason you can’t figure out what to do in order to give him what he wants.
You might feel he isn’t really invested and it drives you crazy inside, but you don’t know how to bring it up to him. Or if you aren’t hiding your feelings, you might complain to him often thinking it’ll make him come around and be how you want him to be.
Well, here’s the thing. I understand why you are going out of your way to try to make him change and fully invest himself in you, but nothing you are doing is working. In fact, the opposite is happening (and there is a reason why).
The reason is because this mindset is actually sabotaging your relationship. The mindset I am talking about is… when you live in a state of fear. You are afraid of what is going to happen. You feel that if this relationship does not work out, if he does not act the way you want him to act and be who you want him to be, then you will not be ok.
If he isn’t going to commit to you the way you want him to, you will not feel ok. You fear the outcome that you do not want to have happen and fixate on it to a point where you cannot even enjoy the quality of the time you spend with him.
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No matter how much energy you put into it, nothing you do is going to help because of this sabotaging mindset. Before I can explain what men need in a woman, I first have to explain the mindset that will block you from ever being able to give him what he needs.
Even if you do everything “right,” if you are blocked by certain mindsets… fear of loss being one of the worst in terms of how much it sabotages relationships… then you will end up frustrated, confused and feeling your man pull away more and more no matter what you do.
Why is fear of loss so destructive? Because you put tons of pressure on whatever it is you have with him. You view your relationship as an entity, as if it is something you can lose. The reality is you cannot possess another person; a relationship just “is.” When you view it like this, you will be in a much better situation.
Do not think of things in terms of… “I am not happy and if only he did ___ I would be happy.” Think in terms of not viewing relationships as something you can “have.” You cannot lose something you cannot have.
What Men Need From A Woman
If you want to be in a long lasting and committed relationship with the man you want, there are several things that he needs to feel from you to make him think that you’re the one woman for him. First of all, he has to feel that you’re his partner and that you’re really truly on his side. Second, he has to feel like you really listen to him, and that you really understand what he’s trying to say. Third, you have to start with a base of compatibility – if you’re not compatible at the start, then your relationship will eventually fall apart.
Be A Partner
Think of your interactions with him as being part of a team, as being partners. You are not fighting against each other or in some kind of combat on a battlefield of life.
Life is hard enough already. Instead of making life even harder for both of you, simply realize that you are with him and he is with you. He is not out to hurt or harm you and emotionally destroy you. He is not some horrible person devoid of human emotions.
He is a man, trying his best to get by in this world on a daily basis. When you view him for who he is (and stop building up this image in your mind of who you fear he could be) you will end up in a much happier situation.
This is a common trap so many women fall into; they will view a man as if he is going out of his way to manipulate them or hurt them and play with their emotions. This is a common myth spread by the media and Hollywood’s n
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Stop thinking you know what he needs and assuming that you know what it is that he wants. This is key. A lot of women end up falling into a trap where they have a certain set of behaviors they would love for a man to do.
So because you think that if a man did certain things for you it would make you happy, you think if you do those things for him it will make him happy. This is not how it works. It is totally understandable why you think of it like this, though.
But the truth is… the only way to really know what a man really does need is by truly listening to him and observing him in his natural element. Really take the time to get to know him as a person.
Listen without judgment, without preconceived ideas of what you want to have happen or what you want him to say. When you approach things from this calm perspective, you will be amazed at what you discover about him.
Think about it. How many times have you had a conversation with him and been sitting there, somewhat tense and somewhat nervous… but never really fully calm and relaxed and able to 100% listen without needing to analyze, think or piece together what his statements mean.
When you can be calm and fully in the moment, you will hear what it is that he wants out of life. You will understand who he is as a man, the type of life he wants to live. You will discover his passions, what he wants to do in the world.
Men are all mission oriented and want to be with a woman who inspires them to be better, to be who they want to be. If you see him for who he is and who he wants to be and you encourage and inspire him and bring this part out of him he will feel connected to you in a way he has not with other women.
This is something very few women do; really see the man for who he is and see his direction in life, where he wants to go and fully support him in it.
As I mentioned earlier, operating from a fear of loss mentality is going to make it impossible to do this. You won’t be able to get to know him on a deep level and actually connect if you are lost in an endless mental saga where you imagine everything falling apart.
Operate from a place of true “ok-ness” instead of being afraid of losing him and of things not working out the way you want them to. And always remember to operate from a team mentality.
One thing you have to remember though is… there is a chance things won’t work out. You must accept this: you cannot force a match to become compatible if you are not naturally compatible.
Compatibility Is Key
This is so important in any relationship or any interaction between a man and a woman (or even between friends and colleagues). None of what I have described is going to matter or help you if you are fundamentally not compatible as human beings.
How do you know if you are compatible? Well, think about whether you feel a natural and effortless sense of peacefulness when you spend time with him, this indicates that you are compatible.
If you feel like things are forced, like you are always walking on eggshells and have nothing to really talk about then you are not compatible.
If at the end of the day, when you are alone, you have nothing to talk about and nothing to really connect over and bond over then you have to start thinking about whether you are a good match.
I am not saying you have to have the same interests to be compatible with him; this is actually not true at all. Some of the best matches are when opposites attract and come together, but the coming together is natural.
If you have a certain direction you want to go on in life that aligns with his direction then you are definitely in a good spot when it comes to compatibility. If your sense of humor aligns with his and you can laugh about similar things, this is a good sign.
There is one sign that is more important than the rest when it comes to being compatible or not: you feel you can be yourself around him and he can be himself around you. You can both take off your “masks” that you wear to the world and show your true natures to each other.
You don’t have to put on an act or pretend to be a certain way to please him. He does not have to put on an act or a show that he thinks he has to do in order to please you.
If you are not compatible, I want to say… you are much better off exiting the relationship sooner rather than later. Trying to shove a square peg in a round hole is only going to make you waste more and more time on trying to make a bad match become a good one. No amount of fixating and trying to give a man what he needs is going to make you compatible.
You might think… oh, if I give him the best bj‘s on the planet and run around in a sexy nurse contraption while doing all sorts of sex gimmicks and tricks you read in a magazine that will give him what he needs. no. no. no.
Sure, he might accept and even enjoy all of this stuff, but he will not invest emotionally in your relationship from these things. This is not what gives a man what he needs and you have to realize it. These things are simply going to be an extra fun bonus in his life; sure he is not going to deny a hot woman doing hot things and going out of her way to satisfy him.
But he is also not going to go out of his way to do romantic things and commit himself to you in a deeper, vulnerable way because you do things you read in a magazine or heard from a friend. These are all misconceptions women believe that end up causing nothing but frustration and disappointment.
Let’s say you literally get dressed up in lingerie and spread chocolate covered strawberries on your body and lay in bed waiting for him to come home on a day when he said he could not hang out, but you have a key to his place anyway so you figured you would go over and surprise him (again, even though he explicitly said he was not available that night to hang out). So he arrives, sees you and his reaction is not what you hoped.
Think about it… this is why going out of your way to “do things” is going to get you nowhere… when it comes to creating a deep emotional connection and giving him what he needs in a real way.
Another part of compatibility is choosing wisely, choosing a man who is capable of personal growth. If he doesn’t have a direction (and he’s not going to get one) isn’t one to bet on.
Someone who has a history of throwing important things in his life away isn’t a good bet. Someone who’s going to be a frat boy isn’t going to be a good bet. He never takes personal responsibility for anything and is always blaming others for his problems. For example, his boss is a jerk, he’s had a million jobs because his bosses are always jerks
Another common problem that happens when women feel that they need to do things to give a man what he needs is… this signals that you might be looking for love or looking for a relationship.
There is nothing wrong with this but not to the extreme; if you are looking for love or a relationship or marriage or whatever it is you want to such an extent that you are driving yourself crazy over why things are not going the way you want them to go with a certain man… you are going down the wrong path and making finding true love almost impossible.
When You Are Not Looking For Love It Finds You
This cliche is actually extremely true. When you stop trying to find it, you will leave yourself open to accept and receive true love in your life.
When you find someone who you truly are compatible with, it will make being a true partner and on the same team effortless and automatic, rather than something you have to think about and try to figure out how to do.
What men do need is for the woman they are with to be in the same boat as them, rowing in the same direction, cooperating with each other and working together like a team.
When a man feels this from you it satisfies that basic, instinctual need he has in him that makes him view you as a long-term relationship prospect rather than see what you have as a casual, throwaway relationship. It sounds harsh but is the truth.
Don’t Give To Get
If you are too eager to go out of your way to give him things in order to get a certain outcome, you need to step back for a second because it is actually a very destructive way of looking at relationships.
Outcome based thinking means you only give because you feel that you deserve or will receive something in return. If you do this, what happens is you create a set of expectations in your mind that if not fulfilled, will disappoint you.
By nature, having expectations inevitably leads to disappointment. But it’s not only a bad idea to engage in outcome based thinking because having expectations is bad; but the idea behind it, what it means to “expect” something from a man is the exact opposite of what a man wants and needs.
I am not saying that having “standards” and things that you want in a relationship and in a man (this is a good thing, to have standards and a clear idea of what you will and will not put up with).
What happens when you keep giving in order to get a certain outcome is you wind up smothering the man and giving him no room to miss you. Then, he starts being distant and seems to be losing interest.
You become resentful and sad that he is not reciprocating and then you start to keep score in your relationship. By keep score I mean: “I did this for him, so he must do this for me in return!”
Keeping score is a recipe for disaster. What happens is you end up feeling a lot of resentment when he doesn’t do what you want him to do in return for whatever it is you did for him. This is only going to create more problems and drive him further away.
Girlfriend Material Or Short Term Fling?
This is another common issue that comes up a lot when it comes to women trying to figure out what a man needs.
Here’s the thing. There is a common misconception that men immediately label a woman “relationship material” or “short term fun fling fiesta girl” and then stick to these labels as if they are permanent. This is simply not how things work; the truth is you are either doing the things that make a man want to be in a relationship with you or you aren’t.
You are either giving him what he needs or you aren’t. It has nothing to do with being “girlfriend material.” Trying to be “girlfriend material” sounds like it would be a good idea but it is not something you can try to be.
Being girlfriend material is about what I have mentioned above: seeing him for who he is, being able to be present and not living in a world of endless expectations, demands and pointless fighting (or subtle hinting at what you feel he is doing right) in order to somehow, magically, create the relationship you want with him. This is a common myth that you need to forget about…
First of all, labels are useless anyway. The entire point of a relationship or any kind of interaction with a man and a woman is to be connected, to see if there is something there and whether you can see yourselves having a future together or not.
It is not about creating labels that will somehow magically make things perfect. He could literally propose to you and make you his “wife” and you could still not be giving him what he needs.
I am serious. A man could literally propose to you and make you his wife but deep down not feel like he is fully emotionally open and free to be himself with you. The truth is most men are afraid of being themselves with a woman, even if their own wives in many cases!
Why? Because they are used to being judged, shut down or criticized. It is a sad irony that so many women complain about men not being emotionally open enough but when they express themselves in any way the woman will become angry that he said something that somehow insulted her.
Let’s say a woman asks, “What’s wrong? Why are you so quiet? I don’t get it. What did I do?”
The man is going to be thinking… “I am already stressed right now and I cannot deal with this right now. I don’t know what to say to her to just make this go away. I don’t need to deal with another problem right now. I have to just calm things down and say what she wants to hear or give her enough of an answer that she calms down but not commit to anything too deeply or go too far into whatever it is we are discussing because I have so much else on my mind.”
Do you see how this creates a massive disconnect in any kind of relationship and makes it impossible to give him what he needs? And by the way… i am not saying this is just something women do. Men do things like this too. I am simply giving you this information to help you get the result you want.
Now I know some of you might be thinking… “this is ridiculous. It is as if the woman has to do all the work. He has to do nothing. Why is this fair? It shouldn’t be this way.”
I understand where this sentiment comes from; but the truth is… if you take initiative and set up healthy, happy patterns for your relationship you will “lead by example.” So by dropping the fear of loss mindset, being in the moment and doing all the things mentioned in this article, you will be creating a positive atmosphere that he is going to pick up on.
He will automatically start to open up to you more. He will automatically begin acting the way you have wanted him to act rather than being emotionally distant, closed off and confusing. Again, this is only if you are compatible.
If you are compatible, see him as the man he can be. A man recognizes someone who he wants as a long term partner by recognizing a woman who supports him and is moving in the same direction as his path.
What men really need is to be working together as a team and to be with a woman who can truly see what he really needs as opposed to thinking she knows what he really needs and forcing that onto him. Always remember this.
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