Do you get attached, clingy and wonder where is the amazing independent girl I used to be? Me too!
You have it all together, an education, great job, just the right amount of confidence, you know what you want and you know who you are. You are not going to settle, you are going to stand firmly for what you believe in and then some time between going on the first date and falling in love, that strong, unbreakable, in-dependent woman unravels into the needy little girl (that you hate). wtf?! What happened?
He’s into you, he asked you out, he sets everything up, and you say yes. You might be interested in him, but mostly that he was interested in you, was what had you consider him as a potential love interest in the first place. “You’ll see” how you feel, see if there is any real connection, but you can safely walk away at any moment, unharmed, nothing lost, because you haven’t invested much at this point. He seems nice enough, but you haven’t quite fallen for him yet, there are tons of other eligible bachelors out there for you.
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You have the upper hand. He’s vulnerably “put it out there” and expressed interest, and you are weighing your options, and examining the pros & cons, while he pursues you. He calls, he texts, but you have other things to do, other messages to respond to, other dates to go on, so you’ll get back to him whenever you get back to him. Or you even feel obligated to respond, but don’t really know what to say, or don’t really care about how his day was, because, let’s be honest, you hardly know the guy.
Slowly he wins you over, you start anticipating his calls or texts, looking forward to them even. You can’t wait to hear about the details of his day, how much he misses you, or to make plans for the next date. You are interested, you like him! You stop responding to date requests from other guys online, even close your profile to focus on him, this really might be relationship material.
When you don’t hear from him you are thinking about him. “Wonder what he’s up to? Is he thinking about me? Is he on a date with someone else?” Oh crap, now it feels like he has all the power. He says when you’ll be in contact, or seeing each other for a date. But you want more now. Maybe you should reach out and take the pressure off of him to initiate contact all the time. Yeah, he’s not making plans so why don’t you suggest a couple things, and then at least you’ll have some plans booked together. Keep things moving forward. Now for every message he sends, you send three, you are pursuing and he is waiting to respond. Noooooooooo!
The Real Problem
What creates bonding during the dating and courting process is the masculine pursues, provides and experiences being successful with the feminine, who receives, responds & is provided for. She experiences his attention on her, she feels supported, loved and desired, and is appreciative of his efforts. Which in turn gives him even more energy and desire to provide for her and make her happy.
However with increasing intimacy, the masculine can often experience an in-creased need to pull away and take space, while the feminine experiences intimacy and craves more connection, more interaction. Enter feelings of neediness, especially if they have been physically intimate, she has produced a ton of oxytocin (bonding hormone) and has become more attached to him.
The problem then occurs when the tide shifts from him pursuing to her pursuing. At first it’s ok, she’s making an effort too, so she must like him, this feels good to him. However, this quickly devolves into, if she is going to make the effort/plans, he can sit back and become more passive. Sounds benign but it is deadly where passion and connection are concerned. The power of the masculine comes from taking action and producing results. The power of the feminine comes from receiving, connecting and being supported. When the roles shift and she starts “making it happen” and he sits back and receives it kills the passion and polarity of the relationship, and bonding stops all together. She doesn’t feel supported or desired, and at best it becomes platonic.
How To Avoid Being Needy
The best advice I ever learned from Dr. John Gray was “don’t pursue him, more than he is pursuing you”. When he initiates and is successful with you, his power grows as well as his desire & ability to commit. (Think he might have commitment issues check out this blog). As much as we love being won over, masculine men love winning us over, it is the ultimate validation for them, and leaves them coming back for more. Therefore, to minimize the masculine need to pull away, it is best to increase intimacy slooowly.
Slow It Down
Take it as slow as possible from touch, to holding hands, to kissing and beyond. Slowly share intimate things about yourselves, being open isn’t about saying everything about you on the first few dates, let things unfold naturally over time. The slower you go with intimacy, emotional and physical, the more anticipation that builds up, and the more you will both want to see and know each other.
Keeping Doing What You Did in the Beginning
Remember The Calm, ah yes! Your options were open, you were fully committed to having relationships only on your own terms, and you had all the power. So, even when you meet someone great that could really “be it”, I say keep doing what you were doing before you fall into like/love with them. Beyond the obvious: work, family, friends, hobbies…. keep dating! It takes the pressure off, and keeps your focus on finding and attracting the best possible match for you. You won’t know if this guy is “the one” until you are fully committed, so until you both decide to commit fully and date exclusively, both of you should continue to date.
He was ready to commit, but I wanted to make sure it was right first. Things progressed really fast between us, we were falling in love, and I was freaking out.I didn’t want to jump in for the wrong reasons. I wanted to do it right this time, make sure it was true love and do it all on my terms. (If you aren’t sure if it is true love, read this.)
I knew I was finally ready to commit when I came to the realization that no one made me feel like my guy did, and I realized that I didn’t even want to find some-one better for me than him, I just had to be with him.
If your guy is not insisting you make a commitment so he can have you all to himself, keep dating and find the one that is, you have to know that there are 2000 of your ideal guys out there looking for you right now, at least 2000.
Want to find out why he didn’t text you back? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Why Isn’t He Texting You Back” Quiz right now and find out why he’s not texting you back…
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Dating Expert and Relationship Coach Lesley Edwards is known for helping struggling singles and unfulfilled daters to attract the partner they’ve always wanted, whether they thought it was possible or not. Check out her upcoming events in the Toronto area.
I can understand the need to have love in your life, but why would that change the way you act around people?
Being needy is not something that I would ever want to be, but how do I know if I am?
Being able to pull away once in a while to get your own time is key to keeping things real and happy.
I hate to see needy girls. They have no clue how hard that is for a relationship.
Great tips. It is very important that woman understand what being needy does to a relationship.
Good tips. NONE of us want to be the needy one.
One of the MOST unattractive qualities in a woman is being needy. I think this is a great post to learn from!
These are good tips. I was told that I was too needy right at the end of a relationship that I thought was going well. I need to learn more about this.
That just sounds like it a quick way to end a relationship with someone. Are you sure that you were “needy”?
I always hated when my friends were needy around me. I cannot imagine have a partner in a relationship that is the same way.
I know, right? Seeing needy people just makes me skin crawl sometimes.
I was told by an ex that i was too needy. how did I not even realize this before it was too late?
It happens. for some, it takes someone else to tell them before they look back and realize how needy they have become.
Maybe ask your friends what they think about you being needy?
I wonder what it would be like to have a needy guy? LOL. It is always the lady that is needy and I am sure it happens the other way around, right?
There does not seem to be as many men that way that is for sure.
I feel bad because I am sort of like this. when I get comfortable with a guy I want to be with him all of the time. I am not sure why, but I know it comes off as needy.
There is nothing to feel bad about, right? You just need to figure out what issues you have that cause this and get that situated.
I have friends that are needy with me, I can only imagine how needy they are with the men they date. Must be completely exhausting.
I have friends that are this way as well. They are exhausting to be around, but I understand they might not realize they are acting this way, right?
I know that being needy can be a bad thing or even a turn off. I think you have some really good points here about that and if woman do not want to be like that, they should follow your advice.
I can see why people can get to be so needy in a relationship, but wouldn’t you say that it is a product of a relationship that allows for it?
Yes for sure your partner/the relationship can contribute to feeling needy, however the only place we can ever have power in the face of other people and circumstances (forces outside of us), is to take responsibility for how we react to our partner in the relationship and to minimize triggers of neediness or becoming a victim.
I never could understand why some woman were so needy. Were they missing something during their childhood?
I think neediness comes from trying to get our need for love met by someone, by seeking love. For some this could be related to their childhood, but for many of us, it comes from wanting to find love outside ourselves, completing something that is incomplete. Instead of generating that love from his/her own whole, complete self, & being the love which they have been seeking.
If you do not start out needy, then I would imagine that you can hold that pose, so to speak. I cannot see why someone would all of a sudden become needy.
Good question. I think it depends on the individual. If someone has learned growing up that being needy brings attention and attention = love, than romantic relationships may trigger being needy, even if they are not needy in other relationships or areas of their life. For many women I’ve worked with the neediness is more latent, meaning falling in love (often with a bad boy, or someone who is hot/cold, or detached) may be the only thing that brings it on all of a sudden.
Personally I think that needy people are that way because of its in their DNA. Do you really think that you can “turn” that way?
As a science nerd I would be super interested in their DNA! Never thought of that.
Neediness like any behaviour tends to be learned, versus preprogrammed in our genetics. As such, certain people or circumstances may trigger or turn it on more than others. But that is also good news! If its not in our DNA, than we can also unlearn it, or learn more healthy attachment in relationships. Until I think it is smart for each of us to learn our own patterns and build in boundaries to avoid unhealthy attachment or clinginess.
This is good to know. I was really wondering if a friend of mine was just born as a needy person or if she was taught that is the “best” way by her parents.