Does he like me? Or not?
There’s nothing worse than not knowing whether a guy likes you or not.
This feeling isn’t exclusive to women, though. I used to fixate on whether women liked me or not. I would literally drive myself crazy sometimes (this is awkward to admit, but I’m doing it to help you… because I think it’s valuable to share my own experiences if it means shedding light on the great thing that’s at work here.)
And if you’re wondering, does my ex still like me, it’s even worse.
Or one of the most painful scenarios: you’re in a relationship and you’re worried he’s slipping away… and that he might not even like you anymore. If that’s what you’re worried about, you should take our quiz here and find out if he’s really losing interest in you.
The bottom line is: men are women both wonder whether the person they like feels the same about them. It’s normal to feel anxious and to worry. That’s why I am writing this article—to tell you the truth about what signs mean a guy does not like you.
Take The Quiz: Does He Like You?
First, I want to tell you a story about a girl I met in high school. It was freshman year and we were in the same english class. I was already nervous about even being in high school, but seeing her almost instantly magnified my nerves. It was wonderful, and at the same time, it felt absolutely gut-wrenching. I liked her, and I wanted to know if she liked me… but I kept telling myself there was absolutely no way she would go for me.
She would either think I dress goofy…
Or she would think I was dumb…
Or she would not even want to talk to me.
I came up with dozens of reasons why she could never possibly like me.
That paranoid feeling that I could never be liked was terrible… Eventually I mustered up the courage to talk to her. She wound up being an amazing girl who I still talk to this day. We never actually pursued a relationship, and sometimes I wonder what it might be like, but after getting to know her I realize I’m happier with her as a friend.
The point is, it would have been a hell of a lot easier if I just had some guidebook that gave me the signs to tell me that she liked me or not. I agonized over it and fixated on it endlessly. I didn’t have an answer that gave me any kind of true indication of how she felt… so as I remember what all this felt like I want to give you the most clear, surefire signs to know if a guy doesn’t like you so you don’t have to go through this.
(And before we start – I’m going to be blunt at some points – not because I’m trying to be mean but because I want you to help you… and sometimes the most helpful thing is to be really clear.)
So here we go…
Here are 10 Signs He Doesn’t Like You:
1. He’s Not Around You And Makes No Effort To Be Around You
This is the single most important sign.
When a guy wants something – he’s going to go after it. He’s not going to sit back twiddling his thumbs.
So if he’s not spending time with you, hanging around, and making excuses to hang out with you… when is he going to have the opportunity to try to get closer to you?
The short answer is, he’s not.
Guys aren’t stupid. If he wants you, he knows that he has to spend time with you and be around you in order to get closer to you.
So if he’s not hanging around, or hanging out with you, or even showing up in your life – he’s not trying to go after you… which means he doesn’t like you.
2. He Doesn’t Really Listen When You Talk And Doesn’t Remember What You Tell Him
People remember things that are important to them.
I couldn’t tell you a single word of my trigonometry textbook from 11th grade math class – because it wasn’t important to me.
But I can tell you exactly where I was and what I was doing the first time a girl ever told me she loved me (Cindy Rosen, listening to Bruce Springsteen… funnily enough – also in 11th grade.)
The truth is – most of our days are forgettable. They’re not good, they’re not bad, they just kind of happen, and then fall by the wayside.
Your brain knows this. Since it has a limited capacity for memory (unless you’ve got an amazing photographic memory), your brain is going to edit out the parts it thinks aren’t important, while remembering the parts that are. That’s why you remember an amazing make-out session from a few years ago in detail, but can’t remember what you had for lunch last week.
That’s actually a nice trick to discover what people are really interested in deep down. Because your subconscious is controlling what you remember and don’t remember, you can get a good feel for what’s important to someone deep down in their subconscious by paying attention to what they remember and don’t remember.
Simply put: if your subconscious decides something is important, you’re going to remember it.
And if he likes you, his subconscious is 100% going to know about it – and it’s going to automatically make him remember the things you say.
If he’s not listening to you or remembering the things you say, it means you’re not important to him. Can you remember the last time you liked a guy and he wasn’t important to you (at least right then?)
Obviously, if he’s trying to learn how to juggle 3 flaming chainsaws when you tell him your favorite color – he might not remember.
But 99% of the time, if he likes you, he’s going to listen to you, and remember the things you tell him.
3. He Doesn’t Care About Your Relationships With Other Men Even In The Slightest
Let’s play pretend.
You say to him, “I saw my friend Steve last night.”
Do his ears perk up? Does his tone of voice change? Most importantly: does he ask, “Who’s Steve?”
If he’s into you – he’s gonna care about the other guys you’re hanging out with. And unless he’s the suavest man on the planet – he’s going to reveal he cares (even if he just makes a joke) about what you did with “Steve.”
Guys are hardwired to pick up on competition. It’s what we’ve evolved to do.
That’s why if you can’t get a guy to care about something, the best way to get him hooked is to make it into a competition.
He doesn’t care about doing the dishes? Bet him that you can clean the dishes faster than he can.
Point is, if there’s one thing that guys love, it’s a competition. And they’re able to sniff one out from a mile away.
So if he’s interested in you, he’s going to be hypersensitive to the idea that anyone else is interested in you… and is in direct competition with him.
Obviously, he’s not going to say something incredibly romantic because you mentioned another guy, but if he likes you, he’s definitely going to have some sort of reaction.
And if you mention another potential suitor, only to get no reaction from him – it means that you’re not grabbing the attention of even his competitive side… which is a huge sign that he’s not interested.
4. He Treats You The Same As He Treats Everyone Else – No Difference
This one is simple. When a guy is into you – he feels differently about you than other people.
When he feels different, he acts different. Simple, right?
If that doesn’t sound simple – think about it this way.
Let’s say you’re out with your friends. You’re laughing, you’re having a good time, you’re relaxed and comfortable… and then your boss shows up.
All of a sudden, the whole dynamic is probably going to change for you (unless you have the coolest boss in the world).
You’re going to reign yourself in, watch what you’re saying way more, and in general become way less relaxed.
Why? Because you care about what your boss thinks about you! You don’t want to make a mistake or lower your status in your boss’s eyes, so you act differently than normal.
It’s the same with a guy who likes you. He’s not afraid that you’re going to fire him (unless you’re his boss, which is a whole different can of worms), but he’s definitely going to care what you think of him, which is going to make him act differently.
Just like you want to know how to be cute around him, to make him like you.
If he likes you, it’s gonna show. He’ll act differently around you than other people. Unless he’s a world famous actor or a hardened spy… in which case, good luck.
5. He’s Not Really Curious About Your Life
Every single time I’ve been interested in a woman – I’ve wanted to know more about her.
Why? Read the sentence! I’m interested in her.
And I’m talking really interested – not “Let’s go back to my place and have some fun,” interested.
If a guy is interested, he’s going to want to know more about you. What makes you tick, what you like, what you don’t like, everything.
He’s going to want clues about what you’re really about – both so that he can get to know you better and also so that he can make himself more attractive to you.
And all that starts with getting to know you, which starts with being curious about your life.
If he likes you, he’ll be interested in you. He’ll want to know more about you – and he’ll care when you tell him about yourself.
This is a sign that I see all the time in relationships that are headed for trouble. If he’s not curious about your life anymore, it’s a strong sign he’s losing interest. Take our Is He Losing Interest Quiz right now to see whether he’s losing interest in you (and find out exactly what you should do to stop it).
6. He Openly Mentions Other Women He’s Interested In / He’s In A Serious Relationship
ok – let’s start out here – if he’s talking about someone else that he’s seriously interested in, not just throwing a woman’s name out there to see how you react… it means that he’s not interested.
If he’s seriously interested in someone else, and telling you about it, he’s not trying to make you jealous. He’s giving you a blatant signal that he’s not interested in dating you.
Both men and women are allowed to be interested in multiple people at the same time – no double standards here.
But if he’s talking to you about the other women he’s seriously interested in…
Well, answer me this question – would you ever do that with a guy you really liked?
Didn’t think so.
And if he’s already in a serious relationship, that’s a huge strike against him being interested in you.
Of course, he might be sending you signals just for his own thrill, but that’s pretty unlikely…
In fact, it’s way more likely that if he’s in a serious relationship with someone, he’s not looking to date anyone else… which really hurt your chances with him.
7. He Never Contacts You First
If he likes you, he’s going to want to see you. He’s going to want to be around you. And he’s going to want to talk to you.
That urge you feel in your stomach to be around a guy you like – men feel that too. And if he feels that urge, he’s going to be reaching out to you to see you again.
If he’s not calling, or texting, or making plans to be with you, then he doesn’t feel that urge.
8. He’s A Super Friendly/Super Flirty Guy In General
This ties back into sign #4 – if he’s a super flirty guy and he flirts with you – he’s not really treating you differently. He’s treating you the same as he treats everyone else.
He might make you feel really special – compliment you, make you laugh, call you pet names…
But if he does that with every girl he meets… he’s not treating you any differently, is he?
9. He’s Always Busy / He Doesn’t Put In Any Extra Effort
This is about priorities.
There are some guys out there that are really busy – and that’s ok. All good relationships are between two people that each have a full life. And if he’s too busy to see you as much as you’d like him to – it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you.
But if he’s too busy to see you at all – it means you’re not even on his list of priorities. And even the busiest guy on the planet will make time to see you – as long as you’re a priority for him.
So it comes down to the question – are you among his priorities or not?
If you are – great. If you’re not… instead of following all these books and crazy things that tell you to try to change him and make him come around and chase after you…
You should be dropping him and spending your time with a guy who does make you his priority.
Think about it this way – let’s pretend you’re the boss of a company. One of your employees loves his job – he shows up every day, puts in 100% effort, doesn’t stop working until he’s totally satisfied with his project, and never stops trying to learn more and get better at his job.
Another employee is the opposite – it’s clear he doesn’t want to be there. All he does is try to finish his work as quickly as possible and put in as little thought and effort as possible to get it done. He doesn’t go the extra mile, he doesn’t check for mistakes, and he spends most of his time goofing off.
Now, you can spend all your time and effort and energy trying to turn a bad employee into a good employee…
Or you could fire his ass and find yourself a good employee – one who loves being there.
10. The Truth: It Will Be obvious That He Likes You
Look – guys aren’t subtle.
This is all about your gut instinct. Honestly – what do you really think in your gut about him.
Do you really think he likes you?
Listen to your gut – whether you get a sinking feeling or an excited, butterfly feeling will tell you everything you need to know.
ok – so those are the signs. Chances are, you probably got your answer from one or more of the signs above.
And before you jump down my throat with, “Oh but one time this guy didn’t call me for 3 years and it turned out he was a secret agent working deep undercover but really he liked me the whole time!” – I’m not talking about the crazy outlier cases here.
If he’s giving you 4 or more of the signs – it’s a pretty safe bet that he doesn’t like you.
If you want to know the signs that a guy does like you, you can go here for my thoughts on the subject.
Take The Quiz: Does He Like You?
The Top Signs He Doesn’t Like You
- He’s not around you and makes no effort to be around you
- He doesn’t really listen when you talk and doesn’t remember what you tell him
- He doesn’t care about your relationships with other men even in the slightest
- He treats you the same as he treats everyone else – no difference
- He’s not really curious about your life
- He openly mentions other women he’s interested in / he’s in a serious relationship
- He never contacts you first
- He’s a super friendly/super flirty guy in general
- He’s always busy / he doesn’t put in any extra effort
- The Truth: It Will Be obvious That He Likes You