End Any Fight With These 5 Simple Steps

End Any Fight With These 5 Simple Steps

There’s nothing worse than getting in a huge fight, saying things you regret but not being able to help it. Ever get that hot, burning sensation in your cheeks and the knot in your chest when the person you love more than anything is fighting with you? It’s truly one of the worst feelings in the world. And it sucks, because they are part of every relationship.

It’s pretty much impossible to spend lots of time with one person without getting into a fight with them.

Fights can get so bad that you’re a lot more likely to end up breaking up (especially if you fight a lot).

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And even if you don’t fight all that often, but your fights are extremely hostile and lots of horrible, cruel things are said (things you can’t just take back) you increase your chances of breaking up a lot.

Now, in some relationships, a lot of fighting means you probably should break up. (Check out these Relationship Red Flags to see if you might want to get out of your relationship)

Fights are bad for the health of any relationship. Sure, they’re unavoidable in the long run, but they’re bad for your relationship.

That’s why I’ve come up with a list of 5 ways to disarm fights and stop them from getting out of hand.

When you use one or more of these 5 techniques, you’re going to notice that your fights get shorter, less intense and take less emotionally energy out of you and your partner.

(That means that they also have less chance of breaking you guys up).

And that’s good! Fights suck! They’re heartbreaking. They’re tiring. They’re exhausting.

Let’s make them suck less.

1. Don’t Hit Back, Even When You’re Hurt

This is maybe the hardest one, so I’m putting it first.

It’s also possibly the most important.

When we fight, we fight because on some level our feelings are hurt. The hardest part of this is that when your feelings are hurt, your first reaction is to lash out at the person who “hurt” them.

This is one of the most human traits out there. It’s hard wired into our dna.

The problem is, it doesn’t help the situation.

When you lash out at someone for saying or doing something that hurt you, all you’re doing is hurting them back. Is that a great way to deescalate and stop a fight?

No. No it’s not.

Instead of lashing out, you should take control of yourself and your emotions. (I know, easier said than done).

Sit with the hurt, accept it, recognize that it hurt you but it doesn’t have to control you, and then move on.

Remember that your goal isn’t to “win” the fight. We’re looking for understanding, empathy, and an end to the fight so you two can get back to doing what you do best – loving each other.

So next time, instead of hitting back, accept that you’re hurt, explain why they hurt you, and move on – without lashing out at your partner.

Take this quiz and find out Are You Compatible With Him?

2. Tell Your Partner Exactly How You Feel

Most of the time, the really unbearable frustration, anger, and pain that we feel during arguments is due to one thing:

We don’t feel like we’re being understood by the other person.

It can feel like your partner is actively trying to misunderstand what you’re saying, twisting your words, and not listening to what you really mean.

That’s super frustrating. I agree.

The best thing to do in a fight is to calmly and in a detailed way explain how you’re feeling. Tell them the exact thing they did (or didn’t do), and exactly how it made you feel.

And I know it’s hard to explain how you really feel, because it can feel like a super vulnerable position, but remember: being OK with feeling vulnerable is #1 on our list of 9 Things People Who Are Great In Relationships Have In Common.

“You told me I never listen to you, and that made me feel frustrated because I try very hard to listen to what you’re saying.”

“You yelled at me for bugging you about dinner, and that made me feel unwanted and unappreciated, because all I want to do is enjoy eating dinner with you.”

Naming the exact behavior along with exactly how it made you feel removes a lot of the ambiguity in a fight – which means it takes away a lot of the potential for misunderstanding.

That means the fight gets resolved much more quickly, and with much less frustration.

3. Take Your Time to Calm Down

There’s nothing worse than being in the heat of an argument and saying something that you immediately regret.

After all, when you’re upset, frustrated, angry, and emotionally distraught, it’s super easy to say something really mean to the other person – something you know will hurt them really badly.

Then, later, when you’ve calmed down, you really regret saying it – but there’s no way to take the words back.

That’s’ why it’s so important to try to stay calm during the fight. It lets you relax and listen to your emotions and how you’re really feeling in a fight, which lets you communicate them better.

It also makes it much less likely you say something that’s going to blow up the fight and turn it from a spat about doing dishes into a relationship ending fireball of anger.

4. Put Yourself in Your Partner’s Shoes

This is something to get in the habit of doing.

Not just because it’s going to help you solve fights sooner, but because it’s a great habit to get into for life.

When you take the time to empathize with the people around you (especially with your partner), you begin to see exactly what’s bothering them so much – and exactly how to fix it.

Here’s the exact script to follow:

First, ask your partner to tell you what you did that upset them, and exactly how it made them feel (i.e. ask them to follow the 2nd item on this list).

Next, realize that they’re not upset about your behavior, they’re upset about how your behavior made them feel. Even if it’s something as insignificant as leaving the cap off the toothpaste, it could still make your partner really upset.

So instead of saying “It’s just a stupid toothpaste cap! What’s the big freaking deal?”

You can say, “It seems like when I leave the cap off the toothpaste it makes you really frustrated and upset. I’m sorry for making you feel that way, I didn’t mean to make you feel so angry. Forgetting to put the cap back on doesn’t mean that I’m trying to upset you, but I understand that when it happens over and over it can feel that way.”

Understanding where your partner is coming from, empathizing with their point of view, and showing them that you understand is a huge step in deflating any fight before it really explodes.

It’s a technique that has saved so many relationships – and it can save yours too.

Take this quiz and find out Are You Meant To Be Together?

5. Be Warm and Open in a Fight, Instead of Cold and Closed Off

How many times in a fight have you felt even more enraged, frustrated, and cut off from your partner – just because of the way they were responding to you?

They could be saying all the right things, responding correctly, even apologizing… but if they’ve got their arms crossed, their legs crossed, rolling their eyes, looking away from you, and avoiding physical contact, it still feels like you’re in a fight.

In fact, those are the fights that drag on forever, when one person is pretending to be apologetic and sorry while still acting physically hostile.

That’s why this is such a crucial tactic.

Next time you’re in a fight, and you’re feeling like it’s going in circles and getting nowhere, try this to break the cycle:

Touch your partner’s shoulder, look them in the eyes, and tell them, “I care more about our relationship than this fight.”

Often times, that’s enough to disarm the tension in the room and return the mood to what it should be – two people who care about each other that are having a disagreement and working it out.

I know it’s scary, and it makes you feel vulnerable… but when you take the first step towards disarming the anger and frustration in a room with some warmth and affection, it makes the rest of the steps towards relaxation and resolving the fight that much easier.

Nip Your Fights in The Bud

Look, fights happen, but they’re terrible for you.

I mean it. They’re terrible for a relationship, especially if they intensify, get ugly, and blow up, but they’re also terrible for you.

A study at Brigham Young University showed that couples who fight more often have poorer health than couples who don’t fight as often – and that couples who don’t argue actually living longer.

So if saving your relationship wasn’t enough to convince you to try to tone down and eliminate your fights as much as you can, maybe saving your life is.

Until next time,

Nick Bastion

P.S. If you’re really fighting with him a lot and you don’t know why, the problem might be your compatibility.

Compatibility is the #1 most important predictor of relationship success between two people. If you’re compatible – you’re golden. If you’re not…

Want to find out how compatible you are with him? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Are You Compatible” Quiz right now and find out whether you’re *really* compatible with him…

Take The Quiz: Are You Compatible With Him?

In summary…

How To End Any Fight In 5 Steps

  1. Don’t hit back, even when you’re hurt
  2. Tell your partner exactly how you feel
  3. Take your time to calm down
  4. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes
  5. Be warm and open in a fight, instead of cold and closed off

how to end any fight

If you loved this article, then check out these other must-see related posts:

Relationship Advice: Fight Fair!

What Your Fights Say about Your Relationship

44 comments… add one
  • Joan September 18, 2016, 4:27 pm

    Some of these questions just don’t seem to apply and it’s difficult to just pick one answer when none of them are particularly close to what the situation really is.

  • syed wajid June 26, 2015, 2:02 am

    Thanks alot for this . i ever used to think why my dream girl fight with me so much.
    But Now I’m realising there is a big reason to fight ..We often fight and come together …i love her alot. …

  • prince June 26, 2015, 1:59 am

    Thanks alot for this . i ever used to think why my dream girl fight with me so much.
    But Now I’m realising there is a big reason to fight ..We often fight and come together …i love her alot. …

  • Kalimai June 17, 2015, 12:26 pm

    my bf does this all thing m really happy to have him even m nt that mch undrstnd the way he is …. But he is really a mature guy i juss love himmm n i miss him right now

  • Queenee June 12, 2015, 3:44 am

    Take a pause, and eat your favorite snack together first, hehehe

  • AKO June 11, 2015, 2:39 am

    Im in the relationship for 6 months and still im confuse if he is the one. I love him but I’m not really sure if he is the one.

  • Ara June 11, 2015, 2:29 am

    My relationship is frustating.he said that im paranoid.im very sensitive person because of my past and he never knew that at all.

    • Queenee June 12, 2015, 3:49 am

      Move on from your past. When you think u’r at ur “paranoid moment”, write or type what u feel and what u think first before talking to him or what. Learn how to Control urself and be the best woman that u can be.

  • satya June 2, 2015, 2:09 pm

    It’s been 8 yrs and our relationship went pretty good ..and suddenly he stopped speaking to me and blocked all possible communication wid me.. in this case how ‘ll i take all ur points ? Only if he communicates I can use whatever u told .. now what’s the point or what should I do ? Pls help me ..

    • khalid June 26, 2015, 3:45 am

      he doesnt deserve u

  • jocelyn May 26, 2015, 4:17 am

    Even when you are in the middle of an argument, always remember the word “respect.”

  • Florance G. May 24, 2015, 10:28 am

    Fighting all of the time sucks. I wish I knew how to get through one day without fighting with my husband. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he gets mad and shuts me out. Do you think that he might have other issues that we need to get figured out?

    • Queenee June 12, 2015, 3:58 am

      He “shuts” you out. Most men do not want to hear a loud and noisy woman who most of the time just repeating herself over and over everytime they have a fight. It’s difficult to change another person (ur husband for instance), why not try to change urself. Try to keep quiet, try to understand, try to give way, try to let him win.. just for the sake of keeping a healthy relationship. Remember, love is sacrifice. #justsaying

  • Gregory Holland May 24, 2015, 10:13 am

    If you find yourself waiting too long during a fight to try any of these, you are going to just make matters worse. Also do not assume that your partner is the one that is going to calm down eventually and make it all better. Be the better person, suck it up, admit you were wrong and get ready for make up sex :)

    • Nikki October 6, 2016, 7:08 am

      Sigh my boyfriend longtime but he keep run on my back mouth that why but he keep say “ohh real and he always talk him friends guy huh ohh” but what I do I should leave him yeah but he never care of pet not alll time and I alway care of pet yeah . How I speak with my boyfriend act ..

  • L. Teach May 24, 2015, 9:57 am

    If you are fighting at all, make sure that you can calm each other down. Going into a fight with an attitude is not going to be a good thing, at all!

  • Thomas Delong May 22, 2015, 9:50 pm

    If you are fighting all of the time and cannot stop a fight within these 5 steps, then you should not be with this person. There is a clear issue that maybe cannot be resolved and it would only make sense to notice it early on before things get more out of hand than it is worth.

  • Jason Richter May 22, 2015, 9:23 pm

    I can see how that study is reality. We have all known a couple that seemed to never fight and even those that might get a little feisty at times, but the ones that are not hateful, jealous and revengeful will certainly live longer.

  • Desarmo May 21, 2015, 10:56 pm

    It is not fun to be in any type of fight. Getting the tools that you need to stay calm and to calm the other person that is fighting with you can be a tough path to take. Of course it would be nice if both parties were on the same page when it comes to fights, but that is usually the reason a fight was started.

    • Jodi July 1, 2015, 12:28 pm

      Eveoyrne would benefit from reading this post

  • Darren Gladde May 18, 2015, 10:58 am

    I think it might still come down to the person you are fighting with. Some people cannot be calmed regardless of how calm you might be during a fight.

  • Ginger S. May 18, 2015, 10:37 am

    I try to be open during a fight and listen intently. I show concern, even if it was me that caused the issue we are fighting about. It seems to bring the level down to calm and keeps the fight from lasting even longer.

  • Zack May 18, 2015, 10:20 am

    These are great tips. I have been in a long fight with my GF now and we do not seem to want to talk to each other and every time we see each other we start to fight. How do we fix that?

  • J. Strojink May 18, 2015, 9:45 am

    You are right, these are great ways to get the job done when it comes to a fight. Unfortunately it did not work well for my last relationship. I think she was just looking for a way out so she started to pick on everything little thing until it was a hgue explosion and break up. Oh well…

  • Franky Sanchez May 18, 2015, 9:12 am

    My wife and I always do one thing. When we are getting heated and things are going the wrong direction, we both walk away for 5 to 10 minutes and then come back to discuss what just happened. It helps and we have been happily married for 21 years now :)

  • KickMe May 16, 2015, 2:41 pm

    I have been closed off myself while fighting with my boyfriend and I would have to agree that is NOT the way to go. BUT, when you are emotionally drained and have “put through the emotional” wringer, what option do I have?

  • ann May 15, 2015, 2:20 am

    hi! everytime i tell my partner what i feel after our fight, it will start another fight

    • Holly May 16, 2015, 4:01 pm

      That is too bad. You should be able to sit down with them and tell them how you feel from the inside. Good luck and I hope you give it a try.

    • khalid June 26, 2015, 3:47 am

      he doesnt understands u ….. and he dont want to… leave him and move on

  • Carley May 14, 2015, 9:47 pm

    Stay calm. Yes that can be hard to do when you are emotionally upset, BUT if you just write the text and not send it, you are better off. You can also just take deep breathes and make sure that you are not going to be on the short end of the problem because of your temper.

  • Franklin Dorre May 13, 2015, 12:46 pm

    If this list can keep my girlfriend and I from having a long winded fight, I will give it a try :) I understand that a relationship requires work, but if you are fighting ALL the time, do you think it is worth that?

  • Vang LeYang May 13, 2015, 12:22 pm

    I have tried to stop fights with these steps in the past. I do not have good luck with that, but I think it has more to do with the fact that I do not have patience when dealing with someone that is going to be an idiot all the time :)

  • Vhel Verueco May 12, 2015, 5:45 am

    I love my bf so much..

    • Karly May 13, 2015, 12:03 pm

      That is a very good start! Now you just have to make sure that you are both in the relationship for the same thing and you will be just fine :)

  • Frank Eugene May 11, 2015, 8:26 am

    I had a fight one time with my spouse. We were going at it over a piece of cheese that somehow got all moldy in the fridge and was unnoticed. Of course we were BOTH at fault, but for some reason we were fighting like it was the end of the world.

    Why do you think that is?

    • D. Fessler May 11, 2015, 8:44 am

      People fight for a variety of reasons. Even the small ones seem to be a little weird after the fact, but at the time, you were both emotionally charge (possibly for some other reason) and that is what you choose to duke it out on.

      The best thing would be to talk it out and most likely, that real reason would come forward.

  • Norene Thomas May 11, 2015, 8:07 am

    Walk away. Just take the extra time to calm down and realize what you are fighting about. Most of the time it is so petty that it doesn’t even make sense to fight about. The last time I got into a fight with my boyfriend, we were apart of 2 days before we both realized how stupid it was to be fighting in the first place.

  • Derren Kohls May 9, 2015, 11:58 am

    I think if you can both meet in a calm state, talking about how you really feel should be easy. My g/f and I have done this and it seems to work well, but you MUST remain calm. Anything that stirs the pot a little bit and the fight might come roaring back.

  • Jesse May 9, 2015, 11:04 am

    When I was younger, I used to hit right back when I was confronted during an argument. I realized now that I am older, that never really helped in any scenario. These are good tips and ones that I will always remember.

  • Collin May 8, 2015, 9:43 pm

    My wife and I argue, who doesn’t? We told ourselves that we would NOT do it in front of the kids AND always resolve the fight before bedtime!

    • Eddie May 18, 2015, 9:27 am

      Perfect. That is exactly what couples should do. You do NOT want to wake up in the morning with the same mindset.

  • Margie May 6, 2015, 8:54 pm

    Over the last few years that my boyfriend and I fought, things would get a little out of hand, like most couples. It was so nice to sit down and tell each other how we felt and resolve the fight right there.

  • Mark D. May 3, 2015, 4:51 pm

    Have you ever done any of these things and know exactly the time when you should have probably made a different decision to say or do something? Yeah, that would be my issue. My mouth opens and I cannot close it until I have said something stupid!

  • Matty May 3, 2015, 4:37 pm

    I have been down this road and I must agree with #1. Even if you are so hurt that you must fight back right now, don’t. It will only escalate the matter and that makes it worse.

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