Question: Before we started dating, my guy had just gotten out of a really bad relationship. He was engaged to another woman who treated him like garbage before she eventually cheated on him and ended their relationship.
He told me that he has trust issues and isn’t ready for a serious relationship. He said that he hasn’t been dating anyone other than me, but he won’t actually call me his “girlfriend” or make our relationship “official”.
He even said that just because he isn’t ready to start a serious relationship now, he might be able to later.
A few weeks ago, when I brought it up again, he said he wasn’t able to commit to me because of his job and that he isn’t able to move away from it. (We only live a few hours apart.)
Every time I try talking to him about our future, he always has a reason or an excuse to not have the conversation. It’s beyond frustrating at this point. He will either have to do something for work, or have to go out. And last time, he claimed he was “feeling sick” and went to bed. It was only 7pm on a Saturday.
I’m worried that he’ll never be serious about our future and that he will never commit to me. I’m mostly just confused. Did I do something wrong to make him feel this way?
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How Do I Make Him Commit To Me?
I know how frustrating it is to be in love with someone who refuses to commit.
It makes you feel unwanted and undesirable when your man doesn’t give you the same love you give him. It feels like he isn’t meeting you halfway (or even a quarter of the way) and like he just doesn’t see how great your future could be together.
You torture yourself thinking over and over again, “Does he see a future with me? Is there a chance that this could work out?”
“Will he stick around, or is he just biding his time until something better comes along?”
Or even worse, “Does he really love me?”
It’s confusing and it hurts, and every time he avoids the conversation or gives you a reason why he can’t commit it gives you a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. But you have hope that sometime in the future, he will finally come around and commit himself to you in the way you want.
Based on what you told me, it sounds to me like he is very happy with the “relationship” you currently have and that he simply isn’t ready (or willing) to slap a label on it just yet.
Remember, he just had a bad experience with his last relationship. If he committed to his ex 100% and things fell apart, he might believe (on a subconscious level) that if he starts making commitments to you, the same thing will happen and the relationship will go downhill just like his previous relationship.
Or maybe he is going through a rough period in his life and doesn’t feel ready for a relationship right now. Maybe he’s having some family issues or has financial problems that are the #1 priority on his mind right now. The list of reasons could go on and on. The most important thing to realize is:
It’s not your fault that he does not want to commit to you. It means nothing about who you are as a person. Remember that, and you will save yourself a ton of heartbreak if you learn to not take it personally.
You cannot control the actions of another person. All you can control are your own reactions to situations life throws your way.
The truth is, the actual reason a man gives when he says he does not want to commit is irrelevant. Let’s say the reason he doesn’t want to commit is because of past heartbreak. Or because he isn’t in a place in his life where he feels ready for a serious relationship. There are tons of reasons he could give as “excuses” for why he does not want to commit.
The bottom line is you should focus on the fact that he does not want to commit, and listen to a man when he says it. Don’t focus on the reason he gives. The reason he gives is simply to soften the blow.
A major mistake so many women make is trying to change themselves to fit some mold of the ideal woman they think will be worthy of commitment from him. A lot of advice in magazines will tell you to change yourself, to take up his hobbies and interests and to wedge yourself into his life.
The truth is, when you try to force a man to do anything, he runs in the opposite direction. Trying to force him to commit makes him feel like he is under pressure. When a man feels pressured and obligated to do something, he associates those bad feelings with you.
If you step back, take a deep breath and realize that the only way to motivate him to commit is by dropping the fixation you have with commitment, you will have a much better shot of actually making him want to be in a long-term, exclusive relationship with you.
Instead of obsessing over a title or a grand gesture of commitment, turn your attention to enjoying the quality of time you spend together. That’s what a man pays attention to in a relationship. He focuses on how he feels when he’s with you and if it’s a good time.
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Another big mistake is buying into the huge (but very common) misconception that trying to show him how you would be the perfect girlfriend and trying to convince him why you two should be together will work.
The harsh reality is that men who say they do not want commitment always give a reason to soften the blow. Don’t focus on the reason, focus on the fact that he doesn’t want to commit.
It’s not a challenge for you to overcome. He’s not playing games with you.
So, back to the question… How Can You Make Him Commit?
I’m sure that having your man slap a title on your relationship would make you feel more secure, but if you were given the choice of a happy relationship or a title, which one would you choose? I can tell you what your guy would choose: a happy relationship.
Accept your relationship as it is and be happy with it. Don’t expect him to change for you.
When you rely on the title you want for your relationship to bring you happiness, you are unable to enjoy your relationship for what it is – two people choosing to spend their time together and loving each other.
You effectively become dependent on “what should be” and take for granted what actually is right in front of you. You will sabotage the future of your relationship when you only focus on the official relationship title (or lack thereof).
The simple fact is that you can’t “fix” the reason he doesn’t want to commit to you. Take what he says at face value. If he tells you that he enjoys his time with you and he’s sticking around, obviously he’s interested in you. If you are happy with how things are right now, continue. If not, don’t. It’s that simple.
When you can bring happiness into your relationship, your man sees how much you enjoy your time with him and realizes how much he loves being with you. This causes all of the pressure he feels about commitment to evaporate.
If you feel you will only be happy with the status of being “committed”, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. If he changes his mind and comes around, you will be the first to know.
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