Here's Exactly Why a Man Won't Emotionally Commit

Here’s Exactly Why a Man Won’t Emotionally Commit

So you’re here because you want to know why he won’t emotionally commit to you.

Maybe you’ve been with one too many guys who starts off affectionate, engaged, and excited to be with you – only to “shift” later and grow more and more distant until he pulls away.

Maybe you’re waiting for the guy you want to open up to you, but for some reason he just won’t do it.

Maybe you’re just sick and tired of not being able to forge a real emotional connection with the men you date, and you want to do something about it.

more: Why Do Men Pull Away

Whatever the reason – you want to know why a man won’t emotionally commit… and I’m here to help you.

Why A Man Won’t Emotionally Commit

Usually, if a man won’t emotionally commit to you, it’s due to a pattern that lots of men fall into in many different relationships. The man comes on super strong at the beginning, which makes the woman he’s with think he’s really into her. Then, if the man is insecure, his insecurity kicks in, and he pulls away from the relationship in order to see if she’ll stick around and come chasing after him.

why a man won't emotionally commit

Whenever a woman comes to me distraught that the man she’s with is pulling away and acting distant, it usually falls along this same pattern.

Lots of guys will start out affectionate and super engaged, only to withdraw later. This leaves women second guessing everything they did and said, and wondering what went wrong to “drive him away”.

more: The Top 3 Reasons Men Withdraw

In fact, he wasn’t “driven away” by anything she said or did – this is a pattern that lots of guys consciously or unconsciously fall into while dating – and it’s all due to insecurity.

Take The Quiz: Is He Losing Interest?

Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Losing Interest” Quiz right now and find out if he’s really losing interest in you…

Have you ever been with a guy who came on super strong at the beginning? Saying things like “I can’t believe how much I like you after only a few days” or “It’s crazy how much I miss you already,” over texts and when he’s with you.

Then, as time goes on, all of a sudden that super strong connection that he was talking about seems to vanish practically overnight. He starts taking longer and longer to text back (if he does at all), withdraws emotionally, and seems to get more and more distant.

more: Why Men Pull Away When They’re Falling In Love

There’s an answer to why that happens – and it’s rooted in his insecurity.

Insecurity Makes Guys Emotionally Withdraw

A lot of the time, insecure guys will come on super strong at the beginning of seeing someone. They’re driven by their own insecurity about how much you actually like them – and they’re driven by fear to find out as quickly as possible.

The intensity of their feeling isn’t necessarily about you – it’s the thrill of being with someone new and not knowing where you stand with them.

more: What To Do When A Guy Withdraws

So they come on strong and channel all that insecure anxiety and attraction into pursuing you, complimenting you, and talking about how strongly they feel about you (when it’s not really about you at all).

Then, once you start believing what he’s saying, and start reciprocating those feelings, he relaxes. He realizes that you do like him, that he doesn’t have to worry about you leaving, and that he’s “won” you.

So what happens when a guy like that relaxes? He remembers all the stuff he’s said to you about really liking you and feeling an intense connection with you… and he starts to freak out that you’re going to (rightfully) assume he wants to be in a more serious relationship with you.

more: Why Didn’t He Text Back

When that happens, guys like that usually panic. They’re not up front enough to have a real honest conversation about whether they want a committed relationship – so they try to tell you passive aggressively that they don’t want one.

That means that the formerly super attached and committed guy will stop texting you back, stop putting in emotional effort, and generally act way more distant towards you in an effort to show you that he doesn’t want a serious relationship (contrary to the way he acted before).

more: Why Did He Withdraw After Sex?

What To Do About A Guy Who Won’t Emotionally Commit

It sucks to find yourself in a situation like that.

Most women will wind up chasing after a guy like that trying to get the engagement and commitment that he seemingly promised them at the beginning. Or worse – they wind bending over backwards to please him and try to pull him back.

more: What Are The Exact Signs A Guy Is Pulling Away?

It’s a trap that lots of women fall into – and it puts you in a situation where he has all the power and you’re the one scrambling for control, or for his approval. You’re the one chasing after his attention, time, and presence.

So what should you do?

It’s simple: if a guy is withdrawing and withholding his emotional commitment – play it cool.

more: Here’s What To Do If He’s Pulling Away

The rule is to be exactly as committed to him as he is to you. If he hasn’t explicitly locked you down and asked for a committed relationship, then you’re not exclusive with him. Period.

If he’s playing the game where he comes on strong and then pulls away, you have to let him pull away. You can’t chase after him – all that tells him is that he “won” you and that you’re in his back pocket.

So instead, play it cool. Keep your dating options open if you’re not exclusive with him.

more: Understanding An Emotionally Unavailable Relationship

When he realizes that you’re not chasing after him and trying to win back his attention, he’ll freak out. That’s not how it’s supposed to happen.

All his insecurity from the beginning of the relationship will come flooding back – he was confident that he “had” you, but now you’re not playing into his game and he’s worried that you’re not as into him as he thought you were.

It forces him to put up or shut up. Either he has to put in the effort to really be with you and emotionally commit to you, or he has to quit playing his game and trying to manipulate you.

more: 10 Tips To Spot Emotional Unavailability

Lots of guys will “turn back on the charm” at that point and try to reel you back in to where you were before – only to pull away again once he’s “won you back”. Don’t fall into that trap.

But when you play it cool, no matter what happens you win. If he doesn’t emotionally open up and bring his presence and attention back to the relationship, then he was never going to in the first place – no matter how much you chased after him and tried to win him back.

more: 11 Characteristics Of Emotionally Unavailable Men

But if he does, he will because you asserted your self-respect, didn’t chase after him, and made him realize that he does want to be with you after all.

Want to find out if he’s really losing interest? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Losing Interest” Quiz right now and find out if he’s really losing interest in you…

Take The Quiz: Is He Losing Interest?

32 comments… add one
  • Sally March 20, 2018, 10:24 pm

    EXACTLY what the guy I’m currently seeing has done to me. What a shock at first, and I definitely gave in and chased him. But you validated so much of what I was already suspecting – all signs clearly point to insecurity. And I am perfectly okay with going on about my life and not giving a hoot about texting him at all. In fact, I don’t think I care all that much about him reaching out either, for sending me on such an unnecessary emotional rollercoaster!

    • Lisa June 25, 2019, 11:13 pm

      This is so true

  • abby July 16, 2017, 4:53 pm

    there are just those who cannot do this because they’re too afraid of losing their freedom.

  • anna July 11, 2017, 1:59 pm

    better understanding of men and their nature will make it easier for you to make things work for the relationship.

  • Mavrick July 9, 2017, 9:24 pm

    Imsspreive brain power at work! Great answer!

  • zia July 9, 2017, 2:24 pm

    this is really important for women to understand before expecting too much from their partners.

  • laurilyn July 4, 2017, 3:52 pm

    women need to understand that this a common pattern that men tend to undergo and the reasons are usually not because they did something bad.

  • phoemela June 29, 2017, 3:21 pm

    always be on the look pout for signs of insecurity from you man. this will not only lead to him pulling away, this will exhaust the life out of you. i’ve been in that situation and endured it for 2 long years thinking he’d change, thinking i could change him rather. but he didn’t. we always end up arguing and not resolving a single thing. one day the issues just piled up way over and beyond us, we didn’t know what to do, we were crushed we were broken. </3

  • korina June 28, 2017, 4:15 pm

    this is almost natural for men but in time, they usually let loose unless he has some serious issues.

  • marla June 27, 2017, 3:28 pm

    this is very true but sad. try to communicate each and everytime so you’ll never lose the spark.

  • alexi June 26, 2017, 2:48 am

    this is tough but don’t give up, with effective communication everything will soon be alright.

  • sadie June 19, 2017, 11:53 pm

    insecurity is a relationship killer!

  • agatha June 14, 2017, 7:32 pm

    i hope the next guy i meet won’t be like this

  • ellaine June 8, 2017, 3:35 pm

    thanks for this post, i kinda understand now what he’s dealing with and how he’s dealing with it.

  • natalie June 6, 2017, 11:53 pm

    because he is emotionally unstable?? sometimes we don’t realize but a lot of men are emotionally reserved because of insecurity.

  • Roslyn June 2, 2017, 2:21 am

    Thank you for your article , it was really helpful .

  • eugenie June 1, 2017, 6:57 pm

    an insecure guy will never be successful in any relationship. there will always be those issues that do not even have to be dealt with. be sure you are with a mature person and someone who is a commitment type.

  • sabina June 1, 2017, 12:30 am

    wow, im glad i found this and read through..
    this is something every women should know

  • celestine May 30, 2017, 9:22 pm

    Yes, men who are insecure are more likely to pull away no matter what.

  • jerrah May 29, 2017, 7:25 pm

    now i kinda understand better. thanks for sharing this article.

  • michelle May 25, 2017, 5:39 pm

    wow, this is something i really didn’t know about. thanks for the information you share.

  • emery May 24, 2017, 11:39 pm

    thanks for this, sure did help me understand him a bit more.

  • selena May 22, 2017, 7:04 pm

    it’s sad but reality is, a lot of men are insecure. when finally something good happens in their lives or relationships, they start to fall off.

  • farrah May 21, 2017, 5:52 pm

    some are just not into serious commitments.

  • catherine May 18, 2017, 1:56 pm

    thank you for your insights, i think you’re right.

  • sabrina May 16, 2017, 7:54 pm

    i hope the man i’m newly dating isn’t like this.

  • caroline May 15, 2017, 10:00 am

    there are just too many of this kind of men, ugh!

  • jimena May 11, 2017, 3:39 pm

    some men are just really not into commitments. my ex was one of them and im glad i moved on from him

  • wilma May 10, 2017, 6:48 pm

    if you are always making him feel like you don’t trust him and that you’re insecure in all your ways, he surely wouldn’t want to commit..

  • reinna May 9, 2017, 4:10 pm

    most men do not usually commit emotionally because they’re still testing the relationship. but if it’s been a while and still doesn’t, maybe there’s something wrong or maybe he’s just not the commitment type at all.

  • vanessa May 8, 2017, 2:58 pm

    i was with a very insecure guy once before, and oh what a mess that was! i couldn’t keep up no matter how i try to assure him of my loyalty and love for him. he just has so many issues, i can’t deal with that!

  • rianne May 3, 2017, 5:09 pm

    thank you for this post, it’s something i haven’t thought about but it makes a lot of sense

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