Quick! Name your top 5 role models for relationships!
What’s that? You couldn’t name any?
Or they weren’t role models at all – they were people that screwed up their love lives all the time, like Liz Lemon?
Or you just yelled out random names and hoped I wouldn’t notice?
Well, I didn’t notice. Because you’re yelling in whatever room you’re reading this article in, and I can’t hear you through my computer. Because that’s not how the internet works.
My point still stands. There are no really good role models today to follow for advice on relationships. Most of the time, people are flying blind, with disastrous results.
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I’ve seen these 5 mistakes made in relationships more than any others. I’ve seen them bring strong relationships crumbling to the ground.
And I don’t want that for you.
More: 9 Things People Who Are Great In Relationships Have In Common
So here are my top 5 super-common mistakes that destroy relationships:
1. Giving Up on Trying to Repair Broken Trust
This is a big one. There are a ton of people out there who believe that once someone’s trust has been betrayed, that’s it, the relationship is over.
And I don’t blame people for that belief. A lot of the time, someone who lied is going to lie again, and reinforce the idea that trust can’t be repaired.
However, I can guarantee that you personally know a couple that lost the trust between them and rebuilt it – even if you never found out about it. Want to know why?
Because they realized that as long as both people put in the hard work (and yes, it is hard work) of rebuilding trust in a relationship, they can make the relationship stronger than it ever was.
They can make the relationship so strong that no one would ever know someone’s trust was betrayed.
So if you think there’s any chance at salvaging a relationship and repairing trust – it’s worth a shot. No relationship is doomed just because of one breach.
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2. Keeping A Secret
On the other side of the trust coin comes willfully concealing from your partner.
Trust me (ha) when I say this: repairing the trust in a relationship is hard work. It’s so hard that you should go to great lengths to avoid having to do it.
What does that mean? Well, for starters, and obviously, it means not lying to each other.
But it also means not keeping secrets from each other.
Too often, I’ve heard the justification that “Well, I didn’t tell him, but I didn’t lie either…”
Keeping a secret from the person you’re in a relationship with is tantamount to lying. Sooner or later, the truth will out, and they’ll feel just as betrayed as they would if you had lied about it.
So don’t keep secrets, and your relationship will stay strong.
3. Putting The Burden of Your Happiness onto Your Partner
I found the perfect man for me! I found the one! I’ll be happy forever now!
All I have to do is bask in the glory of being with him and leave my happiness for the rest of my life up to him!
Bad. Wrong. Wrongbad. I’m inventing a word, it’s called wrongbad, and you’re the first to read it. Congratulations.
Anyway, I see this mistake often, and it kills relationships.
Believe me when I say this: the only person responsible for your happiness is you. You, and no one else.
Not even if he’s the one, the most perfect man in existence, the only man you could ever love. Even then, you’re the only one who’s in charge of your happiness.
When you put someone else in charge of your happiness, it destroys your ability to feel happy without them, and it also destroys your relationship, as he crumbles under the weight of trying to keep you happy.
Don’t make this mistake. Take charge of your own happiness in your relationship and just enjoy spending time with each other. That’s how you keep a relationship strong.
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4. Not Setting Aside Time For The Relationship
“Well, we tried to hang out Tuesday night, but he got caught up at work and then I had to get on the phone with my best friend for an hour and then we could not get in touch with each other. Same thing happened last Friday. We’re going to try to hang out next week.”
The saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is a true one, but only in moderation, and only if you’ve been spending too much time with each other.
If you’re struggling to find time to spend with each other, it’s going to take its toll on your relationship. What was once a close, intimate relationship can turn distant and chilly very quickly if you don’t have enough quality time together.
And yes, I know, the demands of a modern life are very stressful. Kids, work, stress, everything can leak into your schedule until it feels like there’s no time left.
Make time. Carve out whatever you need at least once a week with your partner, or your relationship will wither on the vine.
See also: 10 Unexpected Habits Of Happy Couples
5. Thinking That Everything Should Be Easy
I know, I know. It’s not fair. When you find the right person, the one, the person you love more than anything and are meant to be with always, you should be able to just relax! Let go! Enjoy the time you have with them and not have to worry about anything!
But life doesn’t work like that.
Relationships take work. It’s not a popular sentiment, but it’s a true one. If you’re not putting in the work to keeping your relationship fresh and vital, then it’s going to start to crumble all around you.
And there’s no more insidious obstacle in the way than believing that relationships should just be easy.
So don’t be tricked and fooled into thinking that everything should be easy just because you found the man you love.
Understand and accept that your relationship is still going to take work and act accordingly. And then watch as your relationship gets stronger and stronger everyday.
What do you think about these mistakes? Let me know in the comments below!
If you loved this article, then check out these other must-see related posts:
12 Biggest Relationship Mistakes Most Women Make
10 Rules to Make Your Relationship Last
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The Biggest Mistakes That Destroy Relationships
- Giving up on trying to repair broken trust
- Keeping a secret
- Putting the burden of your happiness onto your partner
- Not setting aside time for the relationship
- Thinking that everything should be easy
Try ask much as possible to avoid all these to make your relationship with your partner very strong… Nice post
I need help. This boy and I, we like eachother, but he doesnt realise i like him. Infact i did something stupid and i think he hates me now. It was on a friday afternoon and I’m not seeing him again till monday, and now i have to survive the weekend not knowing if he will still like me. He looked so upset after i did this stupid thing and i was crying and felt like an idiot after he left. I need help.
Did you notice that any relationship that is doomed from the start usually covers many of the things on your list here. Outsiders, I mean those not in the relationship, will make sure that you are seeing it, even if you do not.
I got home from work yesterday aforonetn and mowed the lawn and blew leaves before the rain came today. After I mowed my lawn, I went next door to my neighbors house and mowed his lawn and blew the leaves off his property. I slipped a pay it forward card under his door mat when I was finished. He came over and thanked me for what I’d done, and also asked me about pay it forward. I often do things for other people, but yesterday it felt a little different because it gave me the opportunity to tell him about paying it forward; also in hopes that it would have a chain reaction and many lives would be effected by such a positive and simple notion of paying it forward .
Oh yea, I can be honest here and say that all of these are bad for a relationship. The worst part is that ANY one of these can cause damage!
I might be young, but I had to laugh when I read these. If ANY guy thinks there will be a relationship to have with ANY of these things happening, he is sorely mistaken. Good list!
Thanks for these tips. I am just thinking about dating and I want to make sure that I am the best person that I can be for the person that chooses me.
I can personally speak that these WILL destroy a relationship. My BF and I just ended our relationship after a long talk about how he has never respected me. Not that I was a gem of a GF, but I could not take it anymore and I had to move on without him.
It does not take much to destroy a relationship, but if you wanted to do it, this list is full of things that you can do to accomplish that. Of course, if you are just calm and responsible, the fights can be ended and maybe the relationship saved.
I would say that if you want to destroy a relationship, these are the first mistakes you should start to make :)
Very good points! I often wonder why people get into relationships when they cannot put the time into them and my wife and I think it is because people get lonely and they just fill the void, or time with another person. That is not always a good thing.
Trust. That is what you will build the best relationship around. If that is lost, like it was in my first marriage, there is little you can do to come back from that! Do you think my relationship with my first wife could have been the same if I would have forgiven her and “tried” to trust her again?
I know that it might be easier to give up on trusting someone, but you must give it a try. At least one try. I gave up on my husband when he cheated on me while we were younger. I didn’t want anything to do with him. I refuse to justify his actions, but we are together now and it has been great since I changed my mind.
I think that if you notice any of these things, you might want to consider walking towards the door. In my last relationship there was a bit of cheating and now it is hard for me to trust anyone, let along that certain person.
If you are not going to have time for the relationship, then why bother with one? I think this all of the time when people are traveling all of the time for business and they are not around. Then when their spouse cheats on them, they cannot figure out why. Doesn’t make sense to me.
Very good point! Being together with someone takes at least the time you are together. If you do NOT have it, then forget it. It is just easier than ruining the lives of two different people.
I think if you are keeping secrets and not being honest, there is something wrong with the relationship. When you are together with someone that you WANT to be with, you will share everything and make sure that the trust is there to begin with, right?
I can certainly see where the relationship would be headed if you are dealing with ANY of these five problems. It is hard work to maintain a great friendship and relationship, let alone adding stress because of these reasons.
I feel that if I find that my spouse is making these mistakes, it is time to move on, right?
These all make sense to me. I was in a long relationship with my current husband and at one point we thought we had to break up because we were not spending enough time together. We were both very busy and all of a sudden we just felt that it was not going to be any different.
I think at that time we both realized that we can MAKE it different. We are not married and it was the best decision of our lives.
I hate to keep secrets. Sometimes it gets me into trouble, but for the most part, I enjoy being honest and forward. There is less stress involved being that way.
Losing trust is a big one for me. My old girlfriend would not stop cheating on me and after the second time I finally broke up with her. I could not look at her and see that she might be trustworthy again, it just does not work that way in my head.
When I was younger, it always seemed like there is something about anyone that makes for a good reason to break up. These mistakes are not going to be good excuses, that is for sure!
I agree. With 5 things like this, a relationship that has them is doomed from the start.
I had a relationship where I kept a secret the entire time. We were together for 5 years and I never told her that I was seeing another person for the first 2 years. She never found out and it has been many years since. Even though I feel bad, I still think that it could have ended that relationship very quickly, right?
I have never thought it would be easy, but I didn’t think that I would meet up with a person that had just a hard personality to be compatible with.
Even at your busiest, you MUST set time aside. If not, you can count the days left in your relationship on both hands and that is the sad part. Such an easy thing to fix.
I can certain vouch for a few of these :) Mistakes are tough to make, but even tougher to recover from.
I understand that you might see something in relationship that is worth saving, but how long should you try to repair the trust that was broken? I feel that if it has been broken more than one time, that is enough to call it quits.
Relationships are so tricky. I guess you should just hope that you find someone that will deal with your crap more than another and give it a go, huh?
LOL, this might work. I have seen crazier things work for people. Good luck with this!
I have never put my happiness on anyone and I feel good about that. Sometimes I am left with doing things myself because my partner does not want to do them, but it makes me happy and I am find with that.
Keeping a secret will do the trick for me. If I am in a relationship, I expect the trust to keep and tell secrets with each other. Secrets can destroy a couple in a hurry.
I can buy these. Personally, if I cannot rebuild the trust, I will take her word for it, I am ready to give up and move on. It might not be the ideal situation, but I am not wasting my time at that point.