Exactly Why Men Pull Away And Then Come Back (And What To Do When He Does)

Exactly Why Men Pull Away And Then Come Back (And What To Do When He Does)

You’re here because you want to know why guys will pull away and then come back to you.

Maybe you’ve been with this guy for a while, and he’s gone cold on you but then warmed back up a few times.

Maybe you just started seeing someone new and he’s getting distant and pulling away when things are starting to get serious.

Maybe you’ve just seen this pattern over and over again in your love life and you’re sick of it.

more: This Article Tells You Everything About Why Men Pull Away

Why do guys pull away and then come back later? What’s going on in their heads? Don’t they know how horrible it feels on the other end?

I understand that when a guy is pulling away from you it can feel like the world is ending.

That’s why I’m going to give you the real reasons that guys pull away, and exactly what to do so that it doesn’t mess up your love life anymore.

Take The Quiz: Is He Losing Interest?

Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Losing Interest” Quiz right now and find out if he’s really losing interest in you…

The Reason Why Men Pull Away And Then Come Back

The most important thing to remember when a guy is pulling away from you is that a ton of the time it isn’t about you. Maybe he’s going through something at work, or with his family, or in his personal life that he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing at the moment. He’s going to put his energy and attention towards dealing with it, and to you it will feel like he’s pulling away even when he really isn’t. The best thing to do is play it cool and let him come back on his own terms.

exactly why men pull away and then come back

more: Why Men Withdraw And Exactly What To Do About It

Let’s get it out of the way now – it’s an awful feeling when a guy is pulling away from you.

It feels like everything you had with him is coming crashing down. All the connection, all the intimacy, all the potential for the future of the relationship – it can all feel like it’s vanishing.

That’s why I empathize so much when women come to me and break down about their man pulling away.

Will he come back? Why is he doing this? Where did I go wrong?

more: The Top 3 Reasons Men Pull Away

The first point I want to make is the most important:

A lot of the time when a guy is pulling away, you didn’t do anything wrong.

When you understand why guys pull away in a relationship, you’ll understand what I mean.

Why Do Guys Pull Away In The First Place

To a woman, when a guy is pulling away it can feel like he’s rejecting her, rejecting the relationship, and all but ending things between them.

But many women are surprised to hear that from his perspective he’s doing no such thing.

more: The Real Reasons Men Pull Away When They’re Falling In Love

The truth is, guys “pull away” from a relationship in order to get perspective, get their heads right, and figure out what they want to do next.

Maybe he has something going on in his life that’s monopolizing his time and attention – so he has to take a step back from the relationship in order to deal with it.

Maybe something about the relationship has been bothering him, so he’s taking a step back to get some perspective on it and come in fresh.

The truth is there are a million reasons why he could be looking for space and perspective on the relationship – and none of them automatically mean that he’s going to break up with you or that he wants to end the relationship.

In fact, to a guy, he’s not really even “pulling away”.

He’s looking for space.

more: How To Give Him Space So That He Misses You And Comes Back

It makes total sense that it feels like he’s pulling away from you, because in essence when a guy creates space in a relationship in order to get perspective, it feels like he’s moving away from you.

But to him, he’s not pulling away or moving away from you. He’s creating space for himself in order to think clearly.

When you change your mindset about what it means when he pulls away, all of a sudden a lot of the things that are happening become less terrifying and more manageable.

He’s not pulling away from you – he’s looking for space.

Big difference.

more: When A Guy Withdraws…

Why Is He Looking For Space?

Obviously, this is going to be different for every guy and every situation.

Some guys need space in order to figure out and solve a problem in their personal life. Whether that problem is work, or family, or money, or anything else – he feels like he needs some space in order to concentrate and fix it.

This comes down to the way that most guys prefer to deal with problems. Guys like to concentrate on one thing at a time – and focus on it until it’s solved.

So him “pulling away” from you could really just be him cutting down on distractions and focusing on his problem until he solves it.

more: The Exact Signs A Guy Is Pulling Away From You

Another common reason guys look for space in a relationship is if they feel that things are moving along too quickly, or if it’s getting too intense for him.

If that’s the case, he’s looking for space so that he can take a step back and figure out what he wants to do next.

At his core, in this situation he’s taking space because he’s feeling anxious. He’s anxious that he’s losing his freedom, or he’s anxious about committing fully to this relationship, or he’s anxious about one of a million other things.

His anxiety is just like the anxiety you feel when it feels like he’s going cold on you – and so he deals with it by creating some space so that he can reflect and figure out what he wants to do next.

more: Why Men Pull Away Or Withdraw

This is why guys pull away and then come back in relationships. Because 99% of the time, when the woman responds the right way to him pulling away, he comes back refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready to be in the relationship.

What’s The Right Thing To Do When He’s Pulling Away?

The right thing to do when he’s pulling away is to let him have his space, and let him naturally want to come back to you.

It’s also one of the hardest things to do, especially if you’re freaked out that he’s going to leave and disappear from your life.

However, if you don’t let him have his space, you’ll actually wind up pushing him away even further, and put your relationship in jeopardy.

The whole reason that a guy will come back after pulling away is that he misses you.

more: 3 Steps To Stop A Man From Withdrawing

He creates space so that he can gain perspective, and then he deals with his anxiety and starts to miss being with you again, so he comes back to you and closes the gap.

But if you chase after him when he’s pulling away – either by calling him a lot, or texting him asking why he’s not responding, or otherwise making him feel like you won’t be “ok” until he reassures you that he’s coming back, it actually pushes him further away.

Why? Because when a woman does that from his perspective it doesn’t feel like he has any space or perspective on the relationship. In fact, a lot of the time that kind of behavior reinforces and strengthens any anxiety he’s feeling about the relationship – which makes him less likely to come back, not more.

The best thing you can possibly do is play it cool and let him come back on his own. That way, when he deals with whatever he’s dealing with, he’ll realize that he’s missing you in his life, and close the space between you all on his own.

more: Why He Pulls Away When Falling In Love & How To Make Him Come Back

When he does it on his own (rather than being prompted to do it by you or someone else), it makes his desire to be with you much stronger. It’s the difference between choosing something voluntarily and being manipulated or guilted into it.

So let him have the space he’s looking for when he seeks it. Now that you know why guys pull away and come back, you don’t have to feel so anxious about him pulling away – and you can be more confident that he’ll come back to you relaxed, recharged, and ready to be with you.

Want to find out if he’s really losing interest? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Losing Interest” Quiz right now and find out if he’s really losing interest in you…

Take The Quiz: Is He Losing Interest?

51 comments… add one
  • T June 11, 2023, 12:18 am

    I have an intense situation. An old flame from almost 18 years ago started reaching out to me apologizing for the past and come to find out is legally separated. He stirred up a lot of mixed and intense emotions for me and talked about us being together in future. He has a lot on his plate currently. This situation has been tricky since he’s currently overseas & is supposed to be moving back to USA. Also he has done the ghosting to me a few times as well.

  • Lauren March 5, 2023, 5:48 am

    This article makes a lot of sense, it’s been very helpful as I’m experiencing this right now. All I would add is don’t hang around, yes you want him but if he pushed you away get out there and date others until he comes back, and if you are still available fine, but if not tough luck for him.

  • Laura Glebocki August 9, 2020, 8:36 pm

    was speaking to a guy intensivley since beginning of july, we meet, we only kissed and we didn,t go all the way because he wanted to keep it koshur, last sunday he told me that next week we will see each other, then since last week things became weird, he wrote me less, just a few words and when i asked him if he still wanted to make plans and see me, he never responded. then yesterday he said that I was a creep because he suspected that i was checking if he’d block me on whatsup, it was true but i had to pull off a lie, he said that he didn,t believe me , then he said that he will block me on whatsup so I reacted by saying this is not fair, this sucks, bla bla bla, then he replied ; see i knew that you were starting to like me, sorry !! this was like at 4pm, i wrote to him around 5h33pm a last message, he got it and received it but never replied. i just checked today and he still did not block me on whatsup. very weird. was he teasing me and wanted to see my reaction, etc. need some answers. thank you all

  • Sara January 24, 2020, 3:09 pm

    Hi.someone please help me
    I’m getting tired of boys who came into me and talk to me about different things and so little by little I talk to them and we become friends .I mean just friends”or maybe its just for for me that I look at them as just a friend”
    and after that we have a connection of talking all the time every they.The after sometime they act weird and become little by little disappeared. And then I decided to stop talking to them and after a distance between us they came back eagerly and talk a lot about everything and -again like before- after I feel the connection of talking to them they become weird and this cycle just repete forever and I’m tired of that.I can’t understand the reasonon the changing when we are not couple.Aren’t they look at me as their friend not a girlfriend? I just feel a friendship that is not also friendship because i can’t rely on it allways

  • LC June 15, 2019, 2:05 am

    I am dating a man who was previously very hurt and abused by his ex. I am the first woman he has allowed himself to be involved with in two years. I am going through a divorce and have been taking it slow. He get’s really intense, pushes things, does the couple (not just sex *epic, mostly all the sweet very bonded stuff) thing then turns around and has an anxiety attack episode where he’ll declare “this is not a relationship, i can never love you or have a future with you”. Then he’ll apologize and go back to the relationship. Make plans for the future then freak out again. Tonight, the night before I leave to go away to Europe for two weeks he breaks up with me. I say okay fine, get out of his car (parked about three blocks from my house above a park) and go to walk away. He runs after me. Then insists again. So wants to break up, but be exclusive and continue to see one another. I don’t even understand, I was going to ask for space because it’s really intense. The problem is that when it works (which is 95% of the time) it is wonderful. I feel as though his pre-existing issues cause him to panic because he is actually falling in love. At least this is what his friends have confided in me. I’m feeling very overwhelmed.

    • SH October 22, 2021, 9:57 pm

      I have a similar experience of push and pull right now with a man I love and have been seeing. He also has some issues with relationships and brings up not wanting a relationship but then goes continues to love me and be my partner. I think the problem right now is that he needs to focus his energy on himself. He has some things to work out (like in this article– men only want to focus on one thing at a time and humans cant give their all to everything. My person right now is trying to right a lot of things in his life (health, career, education, etc) and being in a relationship is difficult because it takes work. Because I love him and care for him, it’s best for us to take a step back from being romantic partners. That doesnt mean this is gonna be easy. But while we focus on ourselves, our love for each other really is growing. Unlabeling our love will hopefully allow us to be flexible and adjust to life’s circumstances. I am really hoping this helps us.

      I hope you figured out what’s best for you! All these feelings aren’t easy and a lot of times they seem to contradict. But a lot of things can be true at once.

  • Marie November 20, 2018, 12:54 am

    100% in agreement

  • bree February 9, 2018, 8:54 pm

    A guy leaves for 2 reasons
    1. Someone came back into his life
    2. Someone new came into his life
    I’m going through this now all I can tell you is to let him go no text, no calls unfriend him. Listen “Sorry not Sorry” by Demi Lovato
    and buy some new clothes and workout if you don’t someone better and more mature will come along!

    • Natasha December 23, 2020, 9:27 pm

      Bree not true at all. Please don’t tell other women that because it’s false while those 2 could be a reason one of the main reasons men pull back is because there scared And they don’t know how to express themselves they need time to think. A lot of times it has nothing to do with what we’ve done it’s they just need space and it’s really difficult for us as women to understand that

      • Jackie January 24, 2021, 2:13 pm

        That’s only an excuse Natasha, Bree says it like it is.
        Those are 2 on top of the list..if he needs space,you’re not the right one.
        It takes courage to accept it and move on.
        Been there done that more than one.

  • Alexis February 8, 2018, 8:48 am

    I’ve been talking to this for about a year we started off as casual sex but ended up him asking me to be his girlfriend it didn’t faze me at the time because from the beginning he stated that he didn’t want to get attached long story short he got deployed we would talk and when he got back it was like when he left the first time we would talk every now and then get up but recently we ran into each other in the club and he tried to check me because I was talking to someone else like he was mad I ended going home with him and he disappeared for another week and I ran into him again he was like he can never get me to go out with him I always have an excuse when he ask but he never ask so I guess he tried to make me jealous by talking to other women in the club that night I guess he wanted to get a reaction out of me but I acted like I didn’t see him or recognize him I haven’t spoken to him since. He sends a lot mix signals he acts like he wants to be with me but his actions show otherwise.

  • Jackie January 28, 2018, 12:02 pm

    My situation is crazy because I put my man out because I found out he was cheating on me getting oral sex from females and using females so it made me feel like I needed to get rid of him I don’t know what’s going on because he text with songs and I asked him what it means like by Pleasure P you take me back I text you back you lied to me I lied to you and I still ask him what does it mean and he never respond I asked him today was he ready to come back home because he looks so sad and unhappy but I guess not because it shouldn’t take that long to respond to a question if you want to come back home so I’m thinking I still waiting for him to come back to me I don’t want that to happen I feel like it would be ready to come back home without you so I don’t know what’s wrong with me I just can’t get over the fact that we have five boys and watching my kids they say that he looked for you to come back home how do you know if you never asked I don’t know what to say that I don’t know what to do but I don’t want to make it seem like I’m chasing him and he’s supposed to be the one asking for us. Where’s my heart at please help me with this situation you don’t text me don’t call it when he about money can I use a kid for taxes now I feel like it’s about money with him

  • lysia November 18, 2017, 3:12 pm

    I met a boy online we hanged out recently after being in touch for almost 2 years. We have been so close and now he just pulled away. I’m asking myself what did i do wrong? Our meeting was perfect and he was so attentioned. If i dont initiate to him he doesnt…

  • Ann November 14, 2017, 12:25 pm

    I met a guy went out 3 times and we connected! He then sent me a text saying an old girlfriend got back in contact with him and he thought he wanted to give that another try. We didn’t talk/text for a few days…he then started texting again…we went out and that day and night was wonderful-I thought he had decided not to get back together with the old girlfriend. But again after he sent me a text saying how confused he was still. So i gave it a few days again then he sent me a text saying :
    I am not ready for anything
    Just decided to figure stuff out on my own
    Just not interested in a relationship with anyone right now….

    But before he was I am special, we had so much in common, he did say he was scared at one point…
    Is he playing a game or just really confused? I really did think we had a connection and I know he did to…what do you think?

  • Aizamay November 13, 2017, 8:55 am

    Thank you so much ,you help me a lot.
    Now I understand him clearly,because im In this situation now.

  • L November 3, 2017, 1:07 pm

    I 100% understand this. We weren’t exclusive and I thought we both understood what the other wanted…but he still disappeared. So how much time does it take? Is any text going to send him further away? Just in case, I deleted his number so I don’t bother him. When do I know to move on and know he won’t come back at all?

    • Alma November 24, 2017, 4:45 am

      Wait for him? Why?
      Move on! If he comes back then he will see that you are not his possession, that you own your own life.
      You deserve a man who respects your feelings and is aware that if he pulls away, it will hurt you. Do you want a guy who cannot see you or your feelings? A narcissist who can only see his own problems?
      Not all men pull away, only the insecure, selfish and narcissist ones. He doesn’t deserve you. Move on… it’s better to be alone and happy by yourself than miserable with (or waiting for) an immature guy who cannot make up his mind, has you wrapped around his finger and doesn’t take you into consideration.

      • delfi January 20, 2018, 7:38 pm

        I love your comments Alma! You have these Narcissists down to a t! Where are you from?

  • Mandy October 9, 2017, 2:39 pm

    Man how now 20 years has come back in my life I’m confused now because he has pull way on me ….

  • vilma September 6, 2017, 5:17 pm

    thanks for guiding me thru this. it’s actually working for me and for him.

  • ruth August 23, 2017, 6:55 pm

    this usually happens in every relationship. a man can get scared at the thought of losing his freedom, even his own identity by jumping into a serious relationship. but he’ll get past that if you help him instead of antagonizing him.

  • malena August 20, 2017, 8:25 pm

    i didn’t know this is common to men. now i know why some don’t even make it to a serious relationship.

  • alexandra August 16, 2017, 4:22 pm

    thanks for clarifying this. it’s been an issue on my part when my bf asked for space once confronted. but in the end, it worked for the better

  • joanne August 15, 2017, 7:28 am

    always remember that when a man pulls away, it’s not automatically about you nor what you did

  • jessie August 7, 2017, 1:40 am

    definitely an eye opener for me. thanks a lot!

  • marivic August 2, 2017, 1:29 pm

    The truth is, guys “pull away” from a relationship in order to get perspective, get their heads right, and figure out what they want to do next. – absolutely right!

  • oleya July 30, 2017, 11:30 pm

    a lot of men really experience this. you need to try understanding him and talking to him is the best way to fix any issue

  • layla July 24, 2017, 12:00 am

    this is why you both need to communicate you issues with your partner

  • samantha July 18, 2017, 7:59 pm

    thank you! this is something i would really struggle with.

  • amira July 16, 2017, 4:28 pm

    this is why an open and honest communication is very important in any relationship.

  • Steve Chapman July 15, 2017, 8:37 pm

    The Reason Why Men Pull Away And Then Come Back, because we love the person, This works both ways in a relationship, but if someone in the relationship is not understanding or listening there a problem, myself I like to go away and cool off, men we don’t like to talk about our problems, if we come back don’t worry.

    • Alma November 24, 2017, 4:49 am

      I guess you neither care about making your partner feel bad because of your actions. Does by any chance the world revolves around you? Do you lack empathy and cannot see your partner?

  • joie July 10, 2017, 7:26 pm

    let him have the space and time to deal with that very important issue that’s eating up his energy and time.

  • adrienne July 9, 2017, 1:37 pm

    ugh, so true yet very unreasonable for me!

  • jennylyn July 5, 2017, 6:35 pm

    you have just made this very clear and understandable.

  • mirrah July 4, 2017, 4:35 pm

    this is an awesome post, i surely got new ideas and i can totally use them.

  • solidad June 29, 2017, 1:31 pm

    this is something i need to really look at.

  • finella June 28, 2017, 11:49 pm

    this is not good but it’s very helpful

  • colina June 27, 2017, 10:31 am

    thanks for sharing this, it sure is really helpful.

  • shannon June 25, 2017, 3:35 pm

    i’m telling my friends about this.

  • gerri June 22, 2017, 4:03 pm

    thanks for enlightening me

  • aileen June 20, 2017, 3:33 pm

    thanks for this article, i learned a lot.

  • kathy June 19, 2017, 11:27 am

    apparently, almost all men go through this. ugh!

  • goldie June 14, 2017, 4:31 pm

    you’re absolutely right. and it’s not always the woman’s fault or shortcomings that makes the man want some space or pull away.

  • caroline June 12, 2017, 11:57 pm

    most of the time it is not about you, he may be under pressure somewhere else like work and stuff

  • sara June 11, 2017, 11:51 pm

    try to understand the situation and what he needs to settle so it would be easier for you

  • lyle June 7, 2017, 11:13 pm

    i hope when they come back everything will be better

  • riley June 6, 2017, 8:54 pm

    this isjust too much for me. he doesn’t have to pull away, heonly needs to tell me what’s going on. and if i think he needs space then i can give it to him.

  • leah June 5, 2017, 8:53 pm

    i liked this a lot, thanks for sharing!

  • holly June 4, 2017, 10:17 pm

    oh gosh, that’s crazy! i dont want this to happen to me.

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