Right when you feel your relationship is heading to the next step, he starts to pull away, and you’re left wondering what went wrong.
When a man withdraws and pulls away most women want to know what’s going on and why, and how to figure it out.
You might want to analyze every single thing you could have said or done in an attempt to answer: “what are the exact reasons men pull away? Why do guys come on so strong at first and then pull away?”
Why Do Men Pull Away?
The reasons men pull away are VERY important to understand. Why? There are two general reasons, and one doesn’t include you. He is either pulling away for reasons that have nothing to do with you and the relationship is fine, or things have gone sour and he requires some space. For now, do not panic because any feelings of anxiety from you will make him pull away more regardless of his reason. Also remember, things could be perfectly fine right now. There is no need to rock the boat and tip things into bad territory.
When Guys Pull Away It Is Not Always A Bad Thing
This is something to pay close attention to. Things could be fine, so don’t get anxious until reading through this article. It will give you a clearer picture.
When Men Pull Away What Should I Do?
Do you know what the worst part about a man pulling away is? It's not the emotional pain. It's not the underlying fear of abandonment. It's not the terrified hopelessness of losing him.
It’s that most of the time the one who cares the most in this situation somehow always turns out to be the villain, the one blamed, and the one getting hurt. When a guy pulls away women tend to make the horrible mistake of closing in and putting pressure on the situation, only to have him pull further away because of it. It seems the more you care and try to fix the relationship the more he distances himself from you.
When a man comes on strong, and then pulls away sometimes it can even feel as if he’s testing you in some sick sort of way. It’s natural for us to feel worried, and want to put more focus onto the situation.
This reaction will almost always push him away even further and damage your relationship even more.
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When you’ve met a man you really feel compatible with, one who you really like and who seems like he really likes you, it feels like you’re on top of the world. He’s giving you tons of attention, you keep making plans to see each other, he’s keeping in touch on the phone and with texts, you’re happy, and he’s happy – in short, things feel perfect.
Take The Quiz: Is He Losing Interest?
Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Losing Interest” Quiz right now and find out if he’s really losing interest in you…
But then… out of nowhere, you start to feel that something is going wrong. He stops calling as much. He pulls away from you a little more. He doesn’t want to make plans this weekend, and it seems like his affection towards you is waning.
Whatever it is, you can sense it, and it feels horrible in the pit of your stomach. Knowing someone you love is pulling away from you can be one of the worst emotions we can feel.
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For most women, the very first instinct is to try to fix the situation by getting closer to him and more involved in his life. We may want to dig deeper and figure out the root of the problem by asking questions and even watching his every move.
The problem is, this reaction almost always causes the opposite of the desired effect.
This is going to sound like a paradox – but the best way to stop him from withdrawing and pull him back to you is to stop trying to pull him back. Start focusing on yourself. Basically, try and do your own thing.
If you spend your efforts trying to pull him back, you’re going to push him away. Spend your efforts on things that you want to do. As a matter of fact, act is if you have better things to do than worry about him liking you. As long as you are focused on how to conform to his likes then you are putting him on a pedastal, and lowering your worth, which is the opposite of what you want to do.
It seems totally counter-intuitive, but the only way to get him to come back to you is if he comes back to you on his own, without you trying to pull him back in.
MORE: The Exact Reasons Men Lose Interest (And How To Fix It)
So with that in mind, here are the 3 steps to giving him the space he needs to come back to you willingly and happily, instead of trying to get him back in a way that will end up pushing him away even further:
1. Calm down and realize that him pulling away is a totally natural thing
Even if a man is completely in love – it’s natural for him to drift away at times. There may be something he’s going through that you don’t know about, or he may be having a difficult time at work. The point is, you dont know, and there is more going on in the world than just you. If you feel it in your gut that you guys are still close, give it the benefit of the doubt.
It’s also because most men are afraid of becoming vulnerable – and there’s nothing that makes a man feel more vulnerable than falling in love. Traditional societal roles have taught most men to shut down and hide their emotions, so having raw feelings for someone and being totally open can be very tricky for a man.
Related: Want 20 ways to be cute and melt a guy’s heart?
Men sometimes bounce back and forth between close and distant when they’re falling in love because they’re not one hundred percent comfortable yet with being totally open with you. But little by little, over time, they’ll work out their feelings and start to become more comfortable, and the gaps in your relationship will begin to shrink.
That’s why it’s so important to remind yourself that if he’s feeling distant – it’s totally normal. Don’t immediately go to into emergency mode – that would be just about the worst thing you could do!
If things are meant to be, he’s going to become less distant as the relationship goes on. He’s always going to want “space” sometimes, just like anyone, but it’s going to become less and less frequent. Just remember, that in the end, love conquers all!
Do you want to know why men pull away and what to do about it? We’ve summed everything up in an awesome infographic for you, click below to view it:
2. Create a desire in him to get close to you again
Like I said before, for most women, the reaction when a man is pulling away is to freak out and try to close the distance. This almost always backfires. Putting pressure onto the sitiuation is the last thing you want to do.
MORE: Why Men Withdraw And Exactly What To Do About It
When a woman chases after a man, she undermines his attempt to feel more independent. It can make him feel under scrutiny, and can take away any incentive he has to further the relationship by lowering your value and making you less attractive.
Also, when a woman is trying to fit the mold of another person and is clearly trying to be someone else, it comes off as disingenuous – even desperate, which is not a good look. There is nothing more attractive and sexy than a woman who doesn’t care who does, or doesn’t like her. When it seems like your entire world is depending on that person you have automatically devalued yourself, while rasing them onto a pedastal. In order to be the most attractive to men you have to at least be on their level, or above. This kind of skewed dynamic with him taking priority over you never works out, no matter how hard you try.
By chasing after him when he pulls away, you’re only pushing him away further. You’re also making it so he doesn’t even feel like he’s getting the distance and perspective he needs. Therefore, he tries to pull away more, which makes you chase him harder, and the whole thing blows up in your face. It becomes a self-destructive cycle.
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Don’t obsess on why he’s becoming distant or what’s wrong, and don’t try to push a response out of him. That means no pestering calls or texts, and definitely no showing up where he works or at his house.
Remember, he has to reach the conclusion himself that he misses you and wants more of you in his life on his own. You can’t make him want that… any more than you can make him want to eat more ice cream if he’s full. There is simply no way to force someone to like you.
Instead, you have to let him naturally get “hungry” again. That means giving him space.
Guys are going to naturally cycle between wanting intimacy and wanting independence. Trying to guess the reason is impossible – some guys want space to reflect on the relationship, some more insecure guys may even want space because their friends make fun of them for being “too whipped”, some guys want space because they need time alone to clear their heads and gain clarity in life. Maybe hes struggling with a personal issue, or with his work. The reason could be anything for a multitude of different reasons.
It’s not possible to guess the reason why he’s acting a bit distant – but it is possible to give him time and space. The one thing you can control is you, and how much attention and effort you put into him, as well as your mood.
MORE: When A Man Pulls Away, Here’s What To Do…
You have to let him make the choice to come back to you instead of trying to force it. If you do, it will be much stronger when he decides he wants to be with you again, and it will feel much better for both of you. Putting too much pressure on things will always make it worse.
You have to let him make the choice to come back to you instead of trying to force it.
Men are enthralled by the chase, so by making yourself less available, and by doing your own thing more often, you actually become much more attractive. Men want what they cant have. The more independent you are the more attractive you become to all men.
Watch The Video: Why Men Pull Away: Reasons Why And How To Stop A Guy From Withdrawing
3. Communicate your feelings effectively
It’s very easy to feel a sense of anger and neglect when a man pulls away from you – just like it’s easy to feel resentful of him when he comes back. Many women want their man to know just how bad he hurt them when he pulled away, so that he knows it’s not ok for him to do that.
However, most women go about expressing this in completely the wrong way.
MORE: How Can I Make A Guy Chase Me Again?
You have to be able to express this with words ( not passive aggressive actions), and you have to be able to express how you’re feeling without blaming him for it. Never act like your running an interrogation, or like you are shaming him or belittling him. Always remain totally open and non-judgmental with what you are hearing.
For example: don’t attack him with questions like “Where have you been? Why did you just drop off the face of the earth? Why didn’t you call?”
Instead, tell him, “I feel great that I’m hearing from you!” Instead of giving him something negative and aggressive to associate with you, make sure that when he’s with you or talking to you, he feels fun, positive energy from you. Your mood is one thing you have absolute control over, and how you act can be infectious. People like being around postivity. Think of all the times people have complained to you and how enjoyable it was to listen them.
MORE: 5 Surprising Reasons Why Men Pull Away
Plus, if you don’t lash out with anger or blame, he’ll see that you’re in control of your emotions and that you’re not living and dying with everything he does or doesn’t do – and that will make him want you even more. He’ll know that you’re someone who understands him and he won’t feel so trapped by his emotions while he’s around you. Having the freedom to be perfectly honest with someone is freeing, and almost addictive in a sense.
As you keep spending positive, happy time with him, he’ll realize more and more how comfortable he is with you, and you’ll begin to see that you’re his first choice!
MORE: How To Make Him Fall In Love
Frequently Asked Questions
Why men pull away early stages?
Men have difficulty being raw with their emotions. Taking that first big step into complete openness with a woman can sometimes feel like it’s a leap into the abyss. For a man, showing his feelings feels risky, and sometimes the thought of rejection, or not being understood can prove too stressful.
Why do men pull away when they are falling in love?
Love is the strongest emotion of all, so for a man this can easily be an intimidating feeling. It’s not easy to give yourself wholly to someone, and it takes a degree of letting go. For men letting our feelings go can be difficult, especially with traditional societal roles that tell men to hide their emotions and hold them in.
Why husbands pull away?
Generally, it’s usually as simple as him needing space. Marriages can be extremely fulfilling in their unity, but at times being around one another too often can feel repetitive and can get stale. Always try to do new things and give each other space when needed. Don’t think the worst is happening just yet. Relationships, especially marriages, always have their ups and downs.
Is he pulling away or breaking up?
Sit back and don’t freak out if you’re feeling this one. As I said previously, he may need space, and you also have no idea what could be going on in his head. Take your time and scope the situation before making any rash decisions. Most likely he just needs a little room or has something on his mind other than you.
Why do guys pull away before they commit?
Guys fear commitment for the simple reason it means they have to expose their true emotions to a woman. This can be frightening for a man. Women tend to forget how intimidating they can be to men! Exposing yourself is hard enough to do to a friend, let alone to someone you’re attracted to.
Why do men pull away when things start to get serious?
Commitment is scary for men, just as it is for women. Let him know your not judgmental, and that you will love him no matter what his flaws may be, if he feels safe with you, he will inevitably begin to feel more comfortable.
I hope this article helped you understand what to do if a guy is pulling away. It’s a question I get asked a lot – so I wrote this article as a “band-aid” to get rid of the worst of the symptoms right away. My number one solution to this problem is by simply trying to put your best foot foward. Try becoming the best version of yourself, and make a world that other people want to live in with you. The one thing you have control over is you, and your mood. “Strong” and “independent” should be synonymous with “sexy” and “attractive”. Focus on yourself more, and you’ll begin to see him focusing on you more as well. It seems crazy, but it works!
It’s important to note that if you really want him to stop pulling away forever, you need more powerful advice. If you’re ready for that, you need to read this right now: If He’s Pulling Away, Do This…
Have stories of a guy becoming distant and then coming back? Or disaster, withdrawing from you completely? Share them below.
If you loved this article, then check out these other must-see related posts:
How to Survive a Breakup: 12 Ways to Stop Blaming Yourself and Gain From It
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Why Men Withdraw and What To Do About It
Want to find out if he’s really losing interest? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Losing Interest” Quiz right now and find out if he’s really losing interest in you…
Take The Quiz: Is He Losing Interest?
Here’s Why Men Pull Away
- Men pull away for lots and lots of different reasons, and trying to get closer or pull him back to you pushes him away further and damages the relationship even more
- The best way to stop him from withdrawing and bring him back to you is to stop trying to pull him back
- Try to remember that him pulling away is a totally natural thing that all men go through at one time or another
- You can create a desire for him to get close to you again by not chasing after him
- Win his respect and love by communicating your feelings effectively and without judgment
if hes pulling away? so be it!! ur not the only one having that curse of knowledge by pulling yourself away u know!? what ever u throw unto me then expect me to return it to yah! easy! i love FAIR dude!..
I was dating him for two or three months, then we had trust issues coz i found out he is still in tinder. Later he started to pull away as he got cold and i started to feel he has somebody else. We havent talked for 3 weeks, i desperatly waiting for his message but there is no message, no closuring, nothing. Its killing me.
I hope you’re not still waiting… he made his intent clear with the fact he was still on tinder pursuing other women.
I am in the same boat. We met seven months ago. Although he told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship let’s just see how things go … we are very attracted to each other we have an awesome connection.. then I find out he has been with a women for the past three years … she contacted me! He told me there is nothing there romantically and that she’s under the notion he’s a bf. He vehemently denies it.. he suddenly out of nowhere stop calling/texting me with no reason or rhyme it’s two weeks no contact I’m going crazy. Any suggestions…?.
Forget about him like yesterday’s trash!
Hi, so my friend of 6 years confessed he has a crush on me and likes me. We’ve had agreed on getting to know each other on a romantic level. The sexual attraction is really intense with us that we slept twice but ever since we’ve not talked much and now I feel distant from him. I’ve been wanting to talk to him but he only hangs out with me in groups and avoids being around me much. I haven’t told him yet that I like him too but I did mention that I’m pursuing him when we last slept.
A part of me wants to move on but I just like him so much now. What do I do?
Why don’t you advise sending the man a brief text that recognizes he needs space and give him the time and space he needs? The guy I’ve been seeing for almost a year got fairly emotional one night and finally made a commitment to me. I think did, anyway. Lol But the very next day he became a bit cold and distant. I’d get brief replies to my texts, but that was it. I also know he’s dealing with some personal things as well. I texted him, told him I felt he was going through a few things and needed space. He replied with a Thanks! which confirmed my thoughts. A few days later, I texted him again, told him I missed him, (shows I’m not upset) but I understood he needed space and told him to take all the time and space he needs. (Shows understanding and willingness to allow him to do his thing) I also told him that if he ever wanted to know how was feeling or how I felt about him to listen to a specific song and ended the text with some sweet words. (To reassure him and to hopefully give him an earworm to keep him thinking about me and make him miss me.) Then nothing more. No texts. No calls. Nothing. My plan is to keep busy and let him contact me.
Are my thoughts on all this correct? Why not send one last text recognizing his needs for space before you disappear too? I think that would eliminate the possibility of a man expecting you to chase after him. So, if he needs space, he gets it. And if he doesn’t need space, he has a reason for why you aren’t chasing him down.
Forgive me for not agreeing. Men need to learn how to communicate out of bed as they do in bed if they want a great woman by their side. Otherwise they should get a dog who also can’t communicate and forgives you even if you kick him every time you see him. Accepting less than you deserve so you can understand him better will ultimately push you to leave. Better to call him out and ask for the courtesy of acknowledging your needs too and understand your feelings are important too. When does his considerations stop being about him and turn toward you?
How did that work out for you??
My ‘bf’ isn’t affectionate anymore. I left him 2 years ago but hes hanging around because we have a kid and he still thinks im waiting on a ring, which im not (I can’t handle more of the narc games). He’s not any better than he used to be but at least he became more affectionate after the breakup. Not anymore.
He burnt me out on love, so we’re not ‘exclusive’ if we are even together. I keep asking him if he’s seeing someone else, bc I WANT him to so that I can stop babysitting him and stop reliving the bad memories and can cut off my dependence to his attention.
I could take him or leave him BUT I dont like being lonely and I’m scared to date again, so I’ll take what I can get. It’s still fun having a warm touch with no committments and no sex, and it feels authentic. But now he has pulled back on the touching.
But he calls me alot and tells me i need to call him more BUT I think he’s seeing someone else (who doesn’t have time for him) and he’s using me because he has no one to talk to. He doesnt have friends. So he physically pulls away and I let go and then tells he me I should call him more (close the gap), which I don’t but nothings changed.
I wish he would just be honest and say he’s seeing someone else instead of trying to pretend he’s saving up for a ring for me while his body language is totally opposite.
If he could do this, we could move forward completely in co-parenting mode only, no touching and I would respect the arrangment but as long as he pretends for us to be a ‘thing’, I feel obligated to go along and at least get the benefit of hugs every now and then.
That’s very sad. Don’t be afraid to date. Be selective but you deserve the attention and love you need. You’re both holding on to “company”. You are holding onto someone who isn’t thinking about your need to have a complete relationship. Once you settle for less you will always get less. If you value yourself and your time then the right man will too. I have a soft cat to hug. Try it.
Hey so I’ve been dating this guy for almost a year now. He’s into a hobby that is good for him because he’s sober. But the thing is is that he seems to be more interested in that than our relationship. Even when I leave him alone for hours he won’t really open or talk to me. I don’t ever pry at him because I don’t want to be annoying. We live together and live well together. We never fight and I’m very open with my stuff. It seems like he’s not interested though about those things. It’s not like I’m dumping problems on him at all, but sometimes it’s nice to vent to someone? I’m also on vacation and he told me that we don’t need to be in constant contact with each other and then won’t reply for hours, so I did just that I distant myself completely . It scares me though because he follows so many girls on social media and in the begging of our relationship he would direct message them nothing bad all platonic, but I talked to him and asked him to stop, but I’m scared that he might be getting that filled by talking to those girls again. All I want is to know how his day is or just to say hey without feeling like a bother. I don’t know what to do honestl. He does his best though I’m not saying it’s bad or anything but he’s so stubborn and when I’m upset about something he usually tells me it’s ok but that’s it he doesn’t really comfort comfort me but other times he tells me to bring it to god and brushes it off and goes on and on and on about his hobby he does. Disregarding anything I said or how I feel. Maybe I’m just reading into it all wrong but I don’t know. Should I not listen to him like he does to me? I communicate with him fairly well and tell him how when he ignores me it bothers me but he doesn’t change it. It seems like he doesn’t care. I don’t know. Help
My boyfriend has serious depression and anxiety, he feels worthless even when i’m the one at fault. How do i make sure that he knows i won’t leave him? I’ve told him countless times and he says he understands but sometimes he’ll make a comment like “well this will cause you to leave me” or “you’re gonna leave me after I say this…”. I really need some guidence because we are the love of eachothers lives (both of us has said it and he said it first)
I like your comment, I have a question.. what if he says he loves you and cares but needs space ,has been depressed but I am not able to hug him like I want to because at this point he is only texting me ? how can I show support. I feel like I have already put him up on a pedestal and I feel like I am being taken for granted?
Just give him the space if he wants it. You do you.. he will come back..if you try to force him to be with you he’s only going to get further away from you it’s best to leave him alone for now..Its hard & you miss him..I understand, as im going through same situation :'( hang in there & hope.
I was thinking the same thing. Are men the only ones entitled to sifting out their emotions and feeling vulnerable? And why should a woman sit somewhere waiting for a man to realize he likes her and wants her back? What a crazy world we live in.
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Im dating a man who is being very consistent with his communication and we see each other every weekend. He is always making plans with me and he reaches out to me all the time. The only issue is that I’m having a hard time feeling like he desires me the way a man should desire a woman. We hang out, we talk, we have so much fun together, we have sex but it feels more like a friend I’m having sex with than a romantic partner. Im physically and romantically attracted to him but I can’t help but wonder if there is a physical attraction issue on his part. He doesn’t seem “into” me like I’m used to. I’m a pretty woman but I know I don’t have those super pretty girl looks so I don’t know. Nonetheless, he isn’t pulling away per se, he just isn’t romantically present. I don’t hear anything sweet or flirty or sexy from him. When I do it to him, he just says thank you and tells me how much he enjoys hearing me say stuff like that. We have a lot in common and we have a great intellectual connection. He’s told his mom, dad and friends about me. But I’m worried because I feel like he doesn’t feel strongly about me in romantic way, even though he spends time with me, talks to me all the time, and admits that he has the most fun with me. It makes me sad because we both talk about how we are happy to have met someone like each other but I can’t help but wonder if having all these things in common and both of us being capable of loving each other the way we always wished someone would is somehow STILL not enough. It makes me very sad.
I’m thinking of pulling away for that reason. The words of affirmation just aren’t there at all. And what’s more upsetting is he told me a story about how he expressed his feelings to his ex girlfriend almost instantly, really quickly into them meeting each other. They ended up breaking up because she was not as into him. So now I feel like I have to disappear just to see if he actually likes me.
It’s frustrating but we will see what happens.
This man is clearly into you, romantically, emotionally, physically, and intellectually. He’s making that clear with his words and actions. He is making an effort to connect, to spend time with you, and is public with his interest and affection. I think you are getting in your own way. It sounds like you need to re-evaluate your expectations of what love/attraction/romance should look like . You say:
“I don’t feel like he desires me the way a man *should* desire a woman”
“He doesn’t seem “into” me like I’m used to.”
You should investigate whether he is not being loving or interested, or if he’s just not doing that in the way that you expect or are used to. You may have unspoken expectations or fantasies of what a relationship should look like, and your projections are getting in the way of appreciating the good relationship you actually have. It sounds like you might have different love languages as well, where you need a lot of verbal affirmation and maybe that’s not his strong suit. That is something you can discuss with him and ask for more of. You can tell him what’s working for you and what’s not, or that you’re unsure whether he’s into you romantically despite all the evidence, and try to hear and understand where he is coming from.
“It makes me sad because we both talk about how we are happy to have met someone like each other but I can’t help but wonder if having all these things in common and both of us being capable of loving each other the way we always wished someone would is somehow STILL not enough.”
This also seems like a misplaced expectation of what love is and what relationships can do. A relationship will not solve all your problems, or make you whole, or give you ecstatic happiness at every turn. I’m not sure what “enough” for you looks like. It sounds like you need to mature in your understanding of love and adjust your expectations, rather than throw in the towel or play games with his heart. Have a conversation with him, but also do some introspection with yourself of where these ‘shoulds’ are coming from.
I have this guy I’ve been dating off & on for the past 2years but we’ve been back seriously together for 8months now but suddenly few days back he just decide that he can’t go on with the relationship anymore that he feels the relationship lack trust meanwhile I’ve been 100% honest & loyal to him and he’s not get in touch with me since the which I did not aswell buh he watched my whatsapp status evrytime Wich I don’t do to his…..I’m really hurt please what should I do I need your advice??
I have been in a relationship on and off for about 18 months. We have been on and off but this last time I think we are done for good. I know we belong together and don’t know what to do. He says there is no spark. I don’t believe him. I don’t know what to do!
Draw yourself away from him… Act like you’re moving on and having a better time without him. He loves and wants you but is somewhat testing you in a way. If you do these 2 things he’ll come back. I know I do all the time. He couldn’t bare to see you with other guys, you’re his woman and he’s your man… It’s hard to draw away, but he’ll start panicking.
My boyfriend for 4 months started calling and texting less as of the second week of January. It is true that he had some successive things happening one after the other which also prevented us for meeting since the new years eve. But despite that I let him know that I wasn’t happy with his careless behaviour. By the third week of January the date of his thesis submission approached and it just got worse. As I got bady ill for 4 days and he didn’t even get briefed because he did not ask how I was although he kept the conversation, I exploded on him and told him aaaalll I felt and went through and how he was absent when I needed him. My message just stayed unread on purpose till the morning and he tried to start a new normal conversation as usual like nothing happened. I was pissed off so I answered short, late, and tough. He stopped talking and by the time I cooled down he was already shut off. I ended up keeping the conversation somehow as he stopped initiating. By the following weekend I was near his area and we were talking so I asked if he feels like going out having some air. He made an excuse and I just headed home. We talked less and less through the following week, by thursday night we had a light chat and I asked how he was, he said that he was very tired and unhappy. As I asked why, is it going bad at work, my message just stayed unread till the morning. It was Friday 9 Feb. And he was quite responsive through the day, so I asked to meet and as he kept making excuses related to work, I just pushed more. So he just stopped responding to my messages and calls. Yes I know I did aaaall kinds of the things to avoid in these situations but I could not help but to see and understand what was happening to him that he had to express his unhappiness. After this incident I just disappeared too until valentine’s day at around 10 pm. I sent a brief apology message for my harsh words and putting the blame on him (when I exploded on him) while he was already having a hard time by himself. I wished him good luck with his upcoming thesis presentation (16 Feb) and wished him that he would never tell anybody again that he is tired and unhappy as he said to me the week before. I got an answer for this message that I was a wonderful girl and very understanding and I have nothing to apologise for and thanks for the good wishes and that I deserve the best and he hopes I will find what I deserve.
I left this message read but unanswered till after work hours, around 7 pm, I just answered “okay. As you always said, you are older than me so you know better.” This is something he always said to me when he tries to make me accept some nice favor from him…
It has ended here and I am just dying to find a solution to all this mess I have created with my clumsiness. I have a gift I made for him that i carried around with me since January 6 because we never knew when we would be able to meet. I had this idea to send it to him with a note “this is yours, made on January 6th. There is no point for me to keep it anymore.” But I am not sure what kind of message it will send because I am not even able to guess the most probable reason of all this behavior. He is the nice guy type, who gives and asks for affection. He would just keep hugging and holding my hand when i am around. But would not realise he missed me until we meet again (he said that). He lives with his sister and is very close to her and to his parents who live in another city. Whenever he did something careless he knows but does not say it. Instead he would become a bit more talkative about details of what he is doing or something.. until I mention it, then once faced with it he apologises. We are 29 and 31 years old and have been together for 4 months, during which he said “I love you” mederately and only at the right moments.
I really need your guidance, I am scared of the idea that I have pushed him away for good. What can I do at this point ?
OR… he’s just not that into you. Usually, there is no need to interpret men’s actions. They are what they are.
That was the reassurance I was looking for, Thank you!
I’m on the other side of the coin. I’ve been dating a woman for three years and she is a raging workaholic. We rarely spend time together, if we do she falls asleep, or we have time to do nothing because she always has to be AT WORK. Living together would solve some of the problems but she always has an excuse as to why she works all the time or some martyr-ific After two years, I’ve finally gotten tired of trying to communicate my feelings and am taking time for myself. It’s hard to talk when you feel that someone is not listening.
i know this sounds ridiculous but i met this guy on a facebook game, he asked for my number but i refused to because well why would you want give out your number to a stranger he could be a scam. okay so he gave his instagram id and downloaded kik just to text me. we clicked right away. we spent days and days talking, flirting and joking and i sacrificed my time just to text him because of timezone. one night, he confessed that he had feelings for me that he never felt this great in a long time so i told him i feel the same way (tbh i’ve never fell in love this hard before) and we dated. i won’t deny that i love taking to him and i never believed in ldr before he came. we had few arguments tho, but it wasn’t serious. After days passed by, he went disappeared which i think he deleted his kik. We were good at that moment but idk what’s going on so a week later i went to his instagram to find him, just to you know clear this mess up and start over again and be friends, it doesnt matter if he changed his mind or met a new girl near him.. i just wanted to have a connection with him. The next day, i found out that he blocked me. That was a dick move but what’s worse is that i am still madly in love and maybe will die with the curiosity.
I might feel a bit regret for loving him that i feel heartbroken now..But whatever it is, the days we spent together was really one of the happiest moment in my life so i never regretted every moment of it. Bad news is, i find it hard to move on.. like seriously am i obsessed with him now? it feels like hopes are there you know, and its not giving up. i just wanted to talk to him. A single hey from him would make my year, but it seems like impossible. *sigh* life…
I’m going through this exact thing. It’s heartbreaking. I’ve been seeing a guy for a few months now. He told me a while ago that he had fallen for me. I told him I felt the same. The last few weeks have been really hard. With either really short texts or no reply at all. He’s been busy with work. I know this is true. I get that he can’t answer every text straight away. I also understand he has a life of his own. We’ve barely said about 5 sentences to each other over the last few days. It’s taken a lot for me to start this relationship. After being single for about 11 years. I don’t want to end up in the exact same place as I was a few months ago.
Do you have a full life when he’s not around?
Natalie, I have just seen your text, I am not sure how it went since December but the best to do in this case (always), I know that it`s really hard, because you can`t focus on something else but him. You have to disappear, so he will release you are not taken for granted to him. Men can say anything but they get crazy about when the women is doing the same thing or even worst :). He has too feel that he missing you, and beside that focus on your own life and on yourself, the happiness should come from yourself and not from him or any other person. Just step back and see what happens, he will be eager to be the same as before believe me ;) and success!
If he wants to pull away that is his choice and I agree one should not ask for reasons, as they are irrelevant. Only two options remain:abandonment or a leap of faith. Either way it is a choice one has to take alone. Move on.
When they change their mind it is already too late.
This helped me so much to be honest, thank you.
My live in boyfriend of 5 in a half years has pulled away after I became preganant and it was a planned pregnancy. He says he wants space to reflect on our relationship but still wants to work things out and is going to make an appointment with a therapist. Should I give him this space and back off? I find this situation difficult because I feel alone during my pregnancy. He also started seeing someone else just a few days of me moving out. Should I just give up on him? I still love him.
Hey girl, I don´t want to be rude intruding in something that´s clearly none of my business, but reading you has made me very upset about you boyfriend, or well, the father of your child. He needed space, but started seing someone else? I know you must love him, but that´s not a mature way to behave. If he can´t be responsible for his actions and its consequences, you should better move on. And you say it was a planned pregnancy, so there was a discussion and plenty of time to declare that he was not sure about it, if that is the case. It is very unfair that now he gets to decide if he wants to be there, in this stage of life, if he is “ready”, while you are already pregnant and shouldn´t it be something just yours. He is inmature, selfish and irresponsible, you don´t need another child to raise but the one you are carrying. So, I send you from very far away, all my strenghts and good wishes, put yourself up together and love yourself, so once the baby is born he/she will have a caring mom. The best for you and your baby, take care of yourself…
I met a guy on a dating site.
He knows that I have trust issues and hardly open my heart to anyone.
He promised that he will not fall in love with me.
But then we became sweet to each other. However, he doesnt want to add me on facebook. He said he’s hiding something but it’s not as bad as what I think it is. He is not married nor in any relationship. I stalked him nd found out that he is a religious Muslim and I am a Christian.
So we continue being sweet but we dont communicate all day. Usually in the morning only or at night but never missed to text me in more than half day. And then there was a time we stopped being sweet and he also stopped texting me and the next day he told me that he missed me and hes confused why bec. We havent met. And so we continue being sweet again. Slowly he texts me less and less. And then texts a lot again and less again.
Until we decided to meet.
We bought my fave food nd we stayed in his condo and watched movies. We were like friends. No malice. And we were not sweet like how we were on text. But he’s sorrt that our first date is as simple as that only. And he even said that next time, he will do better. Then we slept on diffrent bed. But he came to me and slept beside me. I dont know what came to my mind and i hugged him. He hugged me back. All night, we just cuddled. We didnt kiss or had sex (well i wont allow him if he forced me) . the next morning, we didnt talk about it like it never happened. He walked me to the bus station.
He texted me to take care and thanked me for spending my time with him.
After that, i didnt hear from him until the next morning i received a good morning text again.
I greeted him a happy birthday and had a very quick chat with him. Then he did not respond.
I messaged him after 12 hours, but he did not respond.. Until the next day, i did not hear from him anymore. And today is the 2nd day that he is not talking to me.
I follwed what i have been reading online bec. I dont want to drive him away more like whar happened in my past that i was so reactive.
I am not sure if he is stalking my profile on fb again. Bec he told me before that i was famous and many guys chase me. So i kept my happy pictures public so in case he would see.
1) For how long should I wait? Can I send him a message after a week like. “How are you? “?
2) Is it okay to post on social media my recent happenings for him to see that i am not affected? Or is it better that he has no idea of what id happening to me?
3) Do you think that his religion plays a role on him pulling away?
I am used to men pulling away but this time I want to do the right thing. I want him back.
1.I know there is a ‘gap week’ rule, but seems like you should move on.
2.Of course you should keep posting anything on social media, doesn’t matter if he gonna see it or not.
Maybe he see it, he will know you are having a good time and you don’t need him at all.
3. I don’t think religion matters, if someone really likes you, he will make things happen!!
So, MOVE ON!!
Allow me to jump in because I have had a great deal of experience with this scenario. I’m a grandmother, a beautiful grandmother and I’m totally head over hills for the man I’m dating. We live in separate states which at first caused great concern. I even broke it off completely. I sensed that the issue was mine – not his – so I jumped right in with both feet to find out what was the “deeper” issue. Come to find out, I had an issue from childhood – anxious attachment – which stems from my mother (I won’t go into all the details here). Needless to say, I had never dealt with this anxious attachment (Google it), and it was surfacing from his pulling away. Once God healed me of this syndrome, I have never had any problem with his, what we call, pulling away. I need my space – he needs his space. I’m so glad this was resolved. Six months later, he sent me a text and we are back together again – probably forever! But, if not, I can move on and wish him the best!
I met this guy just 2 weeks ago and he was my dream come through….He is everything I needed In a man,he calls 5:30am everyday for the first week,and changed after we both had sex after our second date,now I will call him to tell him he has changed he keeps on saying he is busy…..Although he is the busy type ,but am just a little bit confused,was it the sex we had that got him pulled away, or his he really busy?each time I call him he will tell me he is going through some hard times now that we will talk wen things gets settled?should I stop calling him or still continue to call him?
Hey, I had a similar situation about two month ago.
In my opinion, you had sex too fast and he just lost interest after it. He is not that busy! If he really likes you, he will makes time to be with you. It’s just a excuse.
I know you had great time together, but the truth is he is NOT that into you!
The best way is meet other guys and move on!!
Advice from a male perspective anyone? I am dating a man who is 11 years older, I’m 26 and he is 37. He works out in the ocean and a lot of times we have minimal conversation via text/call. But when we are together everything is great and we get along very well. When he doesn’t have to wake in the wee ours or work out of town, he is with me every single weekend. We have been together six months and I have met all his close friends and friends kids. I have done well so far in respecting his space and he respects mine also. When he’s a weekend away with his guy friends, I am understanding and just ask him to contact me once when he is back in town so he feels he is not missing out on what he loves. However, this past weekend he had a sailboat race on the weekend which he let me know in advance and we made had plans for friday night. He reached out friday night saying that turns out he had to be at the venue in the wee hours so he would not be able to make our plans. I was emotionally unstable that weekend due to some work stress and family leaving so I needed him the most that friday. I did not think of my actions and instead of politely rescheduling for Monday, I blew him up – sent him various texts showing how I did not appreciate he canceled although it wasn’t his fault. I called numerous times in the weekend and texted many times while he was supposed to have time with his friends in the tournament. On Sunday I was so desperate that I passed by his house. His roommate was there and told me he hand’t come home yet. Since I blew him up friday, I have had no response to any of my texts nor has he answered any of my calls. I am very afraid that I scared him away and threatened his freedom. I also came out as desperate for going to his place. Today is Wednesday and I hadn’t reached out till Sunday. I sent him a very short/casual text today apologizing for taking out my stress on him and for not letting him have his space, to which I got no response. I am going to wait a few days and hopefully he will come around, as our relationship has matured and he’s told me how much he cares for me. Did I blow this up completely since it has been 4 days with no response?
Offer to take him out to dinner on your dime. Don’t mention your emotional melt down. He doesn’t want to hear it. Make yourself humble and be grateful that he even wants to spend time with you. If you show him genuine remorse and he see this you might have a chance as long as he thinks you will never do that again. Goodluck you’re going to need it.
I agree with you! It’s ok if they need space, but I am done putting my life on hold wating for him to see if he wants me. Life is too damn short to be miserable. This article gives you the reasons he’s pulling away. What ya need to say when you see him again is…ive been out enjoying myself. While you were needing your space…I’ve met someone who actually wants to spend time with me. Hope you find someone who will put up with your disappearing act. In the meantime I have a life.
I’ve been dating a guy for about 5 months and he constantly pulls away and comes back. It’s emotionally exhausting because when he pulls away I push harder and as the article state it makes things worse. We break up constantly and half the time I never know if we are together.
I need advice though. During one breakup he slept with someone else and came back saying how he realized he was in love with me etc. Although we were technically broken up we were still seeing and spending time with each other. Also being intimate. I’m really trying to move past this but his most recent pulling away has made me insecure and really psycho. We’re both older 39 and 41 professionals. His job is much more consuming and he has a lot in his life right now but says I add additional stress when really I just need reassurance (I know I have my own issues).
In addition to the pulling away he is very cruel when he drinks. Calling me horrible names and tries to make me feel beneath him. I know this is huge red flags but love makes us do crazy things. We’re both sexually open minded but he tells me I’m a liar about talking about having another woman intimately. I feel him and I aren’t ready for this. At least I’m not ready. It’s a unhealthy dysfunctional relationship and while he has his faults I know I push him to the limits. (Blowing up how phone etc)
He knows I hate when he ignores me and sometimes I feel he does it purposely. It will only be a few hours so I know I’m also being irrational but during those times I completely get beside myself thinking he’s with the woman he slept with. Last night I went to his house and he basically kicked me out at 2am bc he was doing paperwork (taxes). He called me crackw%^*# and a liar, I’m not even sure why he would call me such filth and told me I’m too independent and I need to learn to be more submissive. Instead of arguing I should be making him dinner and cleaning his house. Other times he adores and worships the ground I walk on. This all started when I wouldn’t move in to his house bc I felt if he truly wanted to live together we could move into another house together. Plus he absolutely hates my dog, my apartment and basically everything I do. I ask him why he’s even with me if I have according to him so many “hang ups”. Advice please.
So many red flags! He seems abusive. For starters, he shouldn’t be calling you names and putting you down. And the fact that he dislikes your being independent and ought to be cleaning or cooking for him is so sexist, I can’t even… All this leads me to believe he will be physically and more emotionally abusive as time goes by. Run as far away as possible. I know it’s hard, but I don’t see your situation getting better. Stay safe.
I tried to ask him why and fix things but it got worse everytime I tried and when we were on the ph he ignored me the calls were silent and when I did say something he ignored me :( we used to be close we were friends on snapchat he chose to ignore me but still watched my mystory and it went on like that 4 weeks till I got upset and blocked him on my snapchat but still have him on Skype and his # we even would mail each other presents for holidays I fear he may have moved on and doesn’t like me anymore
I’m kind of having the same problem but I’ve given him like 3 months of space should I keep waiting I want to waste all my time waiting on him but I really really like him even lives in Canada and I live in FL we wanted to make it work and eventually move closer to where the other is but then after a very close father figure passed away he started distancing himself more and more we’ve known eachother for 3 almost 4 years :(
I’ve been in a long distance relationship for a little over a year. We have been through so much in the time we’ve been together and I can honestly say that I am in love with him. He started to drift away and I kept pushing. Today I asked him did he need a break and he told me he think he did. I immediately felt heartbroken and didn’t know what to do so I panicked. I started to tell him how I didn’t want a break and that I wanted to fix it. I asked him what changed and he told me everything. I then begged him to just try. I realized that I’m forcing the relationship witch will only have a heavier hurt in the end . There’s so much more behind this but here’s the basis. I told him I loved him then I asked him could we please keep trying. He replied I love you too and said okay. Shortly after I regrettably started to nag him to talk to me. He then began to ignore me. I realized that I’m making him feel trapped in this relationship and that’s the last thing I want to do. So I sent him this a couple of hours ago : I realized that I haven’t been being myself at all and I’m sorry for that. I’m forcing you and I don’t want to do that to you. I realized that you were pulling away and I kept trying to push you back in. I’ve always told you that I love you and even if we are not together I want you to be happy. I’ve been thinking about this all night and the dream I had really opened my eyes.i Really do love you and as much as this hurts i never wanted you to feel like you are trapped in a relationship. If you really need a break and need time I’m willing to give you that. I just wish it didn’t have to result to a break because only god knows how much I’ll miss you ♀️ but if it’s what you really want than I understand. I am patiently waiting on a response. I honestly just want to know, if I really give him the time will he come back or have I completely blew it already ?
I have some advice, but this was posted a long while ago so I’m not sure you need it.
What’s your advice? Would appreciate an honest advice.
What advice? Can you share it with me too?
Sure! The advice is below your comment :)
I’m sorry I’m replying late—I don’t get notified when someone replies. I’m not really sure what my advice was at the time I read your post, but I’ll give the advice I have now after reading it again.
I think you’re focusing WAY too much on him and what he’s feeling. You’re focusing on the fear you have of losing him rather than focusing on your happiness. You have to ask yourself how you feel about yourself in this relationship as is. Do you feel your confidence, or do you feel insecure? No man is worth being with if you feel insecure. And if you do feel it, you have to change your dynamic and approach so you can get that confidence back. A man LOVES a confident woman, and you’ll feel better about yourself being confident, anyway. The way to get confident and attract him or any other man to you is by focusing on YOURSELF. You need to make sure you’re happy on your own before you can be happy with a man. This doesn’t mean you need to be single to get happy—just have a fulfilling life for yourself outside of a man. Don’t let him be the ONLY valuable thing or person you have in your life. You need to be excited about more in your day than your bf. You have to have other things going for you that make you happy. Once you can sustain happiness without the need of a man, you’ll have your confidence and this will be attractive to other men (and possibly your ex). The key is to not lose the focus on YOU even when you do get into a relationship or the relationship deepens. NEVER lose sight of your happiness. You need to continue having a fulfilling life outside of HIM. Once you start losing that grasp on yourself and get more caught up within the relationship, you’ll start to depend on him for your happiness—and he’ll withdraw again. Even if he withdrew for other reasons, chasing after him as if you can’t live without him will only push him away further. If he is a good man who is emotionally available and TRULY wants you, I promise he will come back. You don’t chase him, you don’t contact him. Let him contact you. Give him the chance to miss you. This can take anywhere from a couple weeks to a year or more. It’s however long it takes him to miss you, IF he truly wants you (took my guy 8 months). In the meantime, you don’t wait on him. You focus on yourself and getting your happiness and confidence. Fill your life with people and hobbies you love. Try new things you haven’t tried before. Change jobs if the one you have makes you miserable. Do what you need to do to give yourself a fulfilling life. Make sure you have your days full of plans so you don’t give yourself the chance to sit and mope about your breakup. That’s not going to help you. You need to show yourself how great life can be, even if he’s not in it. If he never reaches out, then he doesn’t truly want you—and why would you want someone who doesn’t want you as much as you want them? Don’t wait around for him. Focus on you. He will come back if he truly wants you, and you have to continue to focus on yourself even if he does. If he doesn’t come back, you’re going to be fine because you’re nurturing your happiness and confidence. PLEASE don’t lose sight of yourself, ever. It’s your golden ticket to happiness and to a great man who will love and respect you.
If you have any updates on your situation, I’m here to listen and help in any way I can :) I’ll check back here regularly to see if you reply.
I met my friend online about 5 months ago. At first he kept in constant contact with me. Then his contact became less frequent. I realized I was the one doing most of the initiating so I stepped back. After 8 days he contacted me saying I dont love him anymore. He explained the problem was not me. He schedule is very busy cause he has a 9-5 job plus an evening contract plus he own several propertyies. I thought he was lieing to me and he was a player. I found out he eas telling the truth. Most times he is extrememly tired. He made a way to spend time with me twice. We had a really good time and he was totally relaxed and he displayed his feelings for me. Both times we met he shut down afterwards and became distant. The first time he came out of it after a week and told me he was in love with me. The second time he shut down. He make sure he text me goodmorning everyday but that is it. After the first week askec if he enjoyed his visit and he said he enjoyed me, but it has been 2 weeks since then and he keeps his contact to a minimum. I reply ro his good morning text and occasionally I will ask how is he doing and he will respond but no additional test after. I have been very quiet trying to give him his space. Yesterday I asked if I offended him in any way and wanted to know why I asked. Confused I just said, “i can’t figure you out but and i want to give you your space. Nut I dont need to be in your head I just want to make sure we are good. Your word is good enough for me. He said we are good and texted an emoji kiss. I said okay.
I am totally confused. Any advice?
because only men pull away…all my life is full of all that “it’s not you it’s me” crap,every single time,you try to be nice,understanding,give time and offer encouragement and every time…this…i’m starting to think something is wrong with me,i am already in enough despair as it is and hearing this when i am choosing my words like before a trial or something…it is the most horrible feeling i have ever experienced,and i have been through loss,rough accidents and others…and this hurts worse than all together,the feeling of hopelessness when you pull out even your own soul to show that person everything will be alright and still…nothing.
I JUST went thru this with my boyfriend of almost a year. He got VERY distant for 2 weeks and when I pushed him to find out what was up, he said he was 50/50 about our relationship and needed time to think. So I gave it to him and NEVER reached out again. I didnt even sign into social media, I wanted him to have no idea what I was up to. After 2 weeks of no contact, he texted me today pouring his heart out about how he messed up and all he thought about was me, etc etc. Everything I’ve only ever dreamed of him saying and he NEVER says his feelings towards me, but has always shown them in affection. We are meeting tonight after he begged to see me to talk. I still can’t believe he admitted he was scared that he messed things up and realized he was throwing away a good thing. We still have a lot to work out, but I think this is a great start. Hang in there everyone who is going thru the same thing!
I saw a whatsapp pick of a workmate on my guys phone, he said he used it to let someone leave him alone I got a bit jealous and now he for the first time in our relationship got distant and didn’t answer my calls or texts, I decided to leave him alone since he’s very busy with work but I saw him and it seems he’s chasing me down and came up to me, we had a good brief conversation, though short but I can sense he was happy to see me.
This sounds exactly like the situation i’m in right now.
I met a guy, we went on a few amazing dates, he bought me gifts, was always super keen to see me, (i was away a lot so we only saw each other 5 times), then, out of nowhere bam! he starts to pull away. Only i didn’t realise this is what’s happening. The last time i saw him, him was kind of distant, but he stayed over and went to work the next day. I knew he was busy, so i didn’t expect to hear from him, plus it was two days before Christmas. When he hadn’t responded to my text i sent a cheeky one joking about where he’d been and he said he’d been super busy and that he had the flu. The texts got less frequent over Christmas and new year and everything i suggested meeting up, he ignore the request, but replied in the usual manor.
I maintained my cool during this time, we text a bit and even had a bit of a flirt but I did text a few times with suggestions to meet up that got ignored. I finally decided i would just ask whether he was still interested but in a very casual way, but got my point across, he apologised saying he’d been manic at work and that his mum wasn’t too well, but that wasn’t an excuse for not being in touch and asked me how i was, what id been up to etc. I replied with a lighthearted message saying i understood. A week then passed and nothing, so i sent another one, a bit more pressing and saying if he was ‘still being useless then fine, but can he meet me for a drink this week’ if not the i guess it’s best to leave things, but either way let me know’ He didn’t read this message for a number of days, then by the 4th day i got angry and sent a message saying ‘ or you could completely ignore me’ he then messaged me back saying he was sorry and being useless wasn’t his intention and that he was working way the previous week and would have struggled to meet me for a drink and that he said ‘sorry to have messed me around’ and hoped my broken foot was better. I replied back with a very lighthearted message also apologising for my behavouir and ended it with some fun chit chat, didnt ask any questions and didn’t suggest meeting up.
I can see exactly where i have pushed when he’s clearly been pulling away, but i wonder if I’ve pushed too hard and now blown my chances , or if he just wasn’t that into me and didn’t want to let me down? It’s been 9 days since i replied to him and have decided to take this advice, give him some space and look into other options, i hope he will be back in touch, but im trying to be realistic about the fact it’s a bit of a lost cause.
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for about 5 months sometimes I even count it to be longer because we started out as friends and worked are way up to being more then friends and then a relationship. My boyfriends a sweet, loving just one of an kind guy that is a gentlemen but is a hides all his feelings type of guy,
whenever I ask him what’s wrong with him it takes a while before I get just one sentence out of him, this has affected our relationship as communication is being lacked. Ik he’s a guy and doesn’t want to seem vulnerable I understand that but we had a over the text argument more like me yelling at him even though for days I have asked him if we can talk in person so we can settle this in person so no communication is being misinterpreted but all he did was bring up lil excuses not to talk to me or I’d ask him when we would be able to and he’d be like “Idk” and because of that I would overthink everything and then just hold everything in until finally I exploded. I usually hold my tounge with being sweet and patient and I was like that for about 3 days but I was done with him not talking about what is going on with him and us and it all started when I gave him the impression that I didn’t want to be in this relationship anymore. We were in the car and I was jumbling all my feelings and not even knowing what I was saying, I said to him that I wanted some space to get myself together so that I could love myself more for this relationship. And I think all he got from me talking was that I wanted space and that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him because that’s usually something somebody would say if they wanted to end it slowly without saying “I wanna break up with you”. I shouldn’t of worded it like that but keep in mind I was PMSing to the max and I even told him that was why I freaked out on him and to try to understand not to take anything I say personal or even seriously.
A couple days later he’s still acting distant and he’s being short with me over text and I’ve tried asking him to come over but he’d say he has to clean his house or that he can’t then after goes to hang out with his friends knowing I asked him earlier if he could come over. And usually he would come hang out with me since we haven’t been hanging out instead of going out with his friends. I just feel after that that this is a sign that I need to let him have his space even though we haven’t hanged out in almost a week, I really hope this works because one of my girl friends said that he’s obsessed with me and that he said that I’m the ONE. He’s even thought of wedding ideas I mean c’mon he sounds like he’s head over heals for me right? and I just don’t see him going from loving me so much to distancing himself from me and not even wanting to see each other it seems. Maybe it was something I said to him over text to make him upset? I just don’t know but I will do anything to go back to the status of what our relationship was once before this all happened.
If hes not trying being hot and cold and he knows you are good for him …dump him dont waste your time! Either hes in or out!!
I am dating a guy in a distance relationship for about three months, at the beggining we felt unbelievable connection soulmate like, he said he wants to marry and have children, he was caring and sweet (flowers, gifts, lots of time together). However I know he cheated on me at the very beginning of dating (I forgived him because that was very fresh relation).
Three weeks ago I had birthday and he said he would celebrate with me. Last minute he cancelled due to work so I was very upset:( After that I asked him to not communicate with me because I am angry at him. We went quite for a weeks and later started being in touch but since that time he’s contact me is much less frequent and he never calls me – just text. But he still writes that he loves me so much and he misses me!! I do not understand his behavior… Please tell me what you think…
He does not plan when we meet – only said that next month will be less busy with work.
Does it mean I should move on? But why he tells me he loves me?
Please give some of your opinions.
Hello I can imagine your going through a hard time trying to understand this guy. He’s confusing you because he’s confused himself. He has distanced himself because this is what guys do when they are thinking if they want to be with you or not. This also shows how he doesn’t care much about you and more about himself. He says these things like I miss you and all that stuff to make sure your still around for him as an option but does his words match his actions? If he missed you he woukd see you. Does he see you? No ? Then he’s not telling the truth he’s using words to keep you about for his own ego and loneliness. There’s a way u can find out if he wants to be with you or not and that’s by ignoring him he sends u a msg like I miss you can I talk to u or just hello no mater what his msg says u say nothing. A woman’s silence shows and expresses your hurt more than your anger and words do. This also gives him time to properly miss you and it also stops you looking easy in his eyes men want a challenge they want to chase so give him what he wants and don’t feel bad about it either he hurt you did he care ? Sounds like he didn’t.
Hey I am currently dealing with this with my boyfriend I just came across these tips I don’t think its too late to try. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years and we have conceived two children within our relationship a 4year old girl and 2year old boy. Lately my boyfriend has been under tremendous stress and I haven’t acknowledged that so I was adding on to his stress by arguing and nagging I ended up pushing him away now and I think for good this morning before he left he said hes done for good because I kept forcing to fix the problem. I’m struggling on giving him his space because we live together in a studio its hard to walk past him everyday and just not talk to him. How do I give him his space and just have distance I am a stay at home mom so I don’t work and I don’t leave the house I’m home with my kids. Any tips on how to enforce the space so he can clear hos mind I know he loves me dearly hes just very stressed out and wants to clear his mind on his own he said so himself.
I have a 4yr old girl and a 2 yr old boy. My kids dad and i was together for 12yrs i kno all to well that this happens. My best advice is to start putting the kids in childcare and you get a lil job you like or at a daycare being you you are use to caring for kids for like 4 hrs a day and stop focusing on him. And he’ll come bac around. Like that you’ll start building your own friendships and your always busy. Pay him less attention and he is gonna be like damn what happen and what he’s expecting. Have fun a mothers life is stressful to you need a outlet.
aren’t you taking a chance by pulling back that he will think you are not interested anymore and pull all the way back or away from you? I am very torn on what the right thing to do is.
I met a guy and instantly fell in love. (okay, lust, I suppose). Regardless, I wanted to get to know him. His first words to me were “What’s your name? You are gorgeous!!” and what girl doesn’t want to hear that from a guy she’s interested in?!?
Anyways, we went on a date. Which snowballed into many dates and nights spent together. I was falling in love hard and fast. It seemed so mutual, until my birthday. I suggested we spend it together to which he replied he’d take me out for dinner! (Days beforehand we changed the dinner date to the day *after* my bday & spent my actual bday in bed watching movies.)
So the next night, I got all dolled up for our date….
and never heard from him.
He vanished from the face of the earth. I didn’t hear from him for TEN heartbroken days. Not so much as even a text.
What had I done? Why did he do this? What’s wrong with me?? My head spun with questions. I felt weak and broken. But I couldn’t let go. There was something there that was so special I couldn’t ignore it or let him end it. I had to find out why he stood me up!!
On that tenth day, I ran into his roommate at the bar, who greeted me very warmly and asked where I’d been?? I was pretty surprised at his question and told him how I’d been stood up and then ignored. “Oh no!! He fell asleep that night, and when he woke up the next day he hated himself for it and figured you must hate him.”
So why didn’t he reply to me or call?
“Look, he’s never had a real long-term girlfriend before. His longest relatonship lasted only 8 months and she cheated on him. He’s pretty hard on himself and feels like he’s already ruined it with you.”
… Well where is he tonight?
“He’s at home, sleeping” we laughed… “You should come over, he’ll be so thrilled to see you.”
So I went. He was extremely shocked and happy to see me… but I was giving him a cold shoulder. I sat there and all of my questions and anger and sadness began to flow out! He listened closely and apologized genuinely but I felt hurt. I left after reeming him out for half an hour, and the next day he called me. He asked me to meet up for pizza in the park and we did. He kept thanking me for coming back to him, and apologizing for having hurt me.
We spent that summer together inseperable after that. At the end of the summer he told me he loves me. In that moment I truly forgave him and saw that he had made the mistake out of fear, and open wounds from his last (and only) real relationship… I realized the poor guy had never even experienced true partnership and love… I was excited to show him how a real partnership can be, and how lovable he is.
Now it is just about two years later. We are happily in love, lI’ve together and have never had a fight or argument. We’ve had disagreements, naturally, but we work through them effortlessly. He is an amazing and loving partner. He holds me if I cry, and supports me following my dreams. He’s there for me everyday and never leaves me wondering or waiting. He now knows what a real relationship is, and actively shows me all of the love I could have ever asked for. He talks about marriage and kids all the time, and we’re so happy.
Long story short, if I had taken the advice of this article, he may have never cone back to me. When he was weak and kicking himself for messing up, he pulled back. Pulled back so far that he couldn’t see the potential that I did for us. I was able to be strong and fight for what I wanted, and show him that there are other kinds of women out there who won’t “hate him” for accidentally falling asleep and missing our date. I’ve shown him what true love is, and now that he sees he can be loved, he has given his full heart to me.
Don’t lay down and let them pull away. If you want them, and know there is something good there, help them see it. Don’t be afraid to “chase” a man. I did, and have never regretted it since.
It’s like they say, “You’ll just know when he’s the one” and I’ve always been in relationships wondering, is this it? is this me ‘just knowing’? But the fact that I had to question it is exactly the opposite of what that saying is eluding to.
With him, there was no question. I just knew. …and now he knows it too.
WOW, this is an amazing Story. I have met this guy two months ago. We had two amazing Dates and went on a weekendtrip. Im Feeling some connecting to him but since a few weeks hes pulling away and Im so terified about it. I dont know how to act, or how to convince him of me. I really see Long term potencial in us.
I think I am dealing with the same thing right now.
My so called boyfriend lived away from his home for 15 years. Since September he decided to come back home and create a new life here, which i get it’s not easy at all. Meanwhile we met 1 month ago and everything was going perfect we met every day and talked all the time when we weren’t together he even told me that I was helping him not to give up and get back where he used to live.
Last week he had to go back there for work and the plan was to stay there for 5 days, but today os the day 8 and he keeps making excuses for not coming back every day he keeps pushing away the coming back day!
First days he went he kept texting and calling me all the time and everything was perfect. But these 2-3 days i feel that he keeps calling cause he thinks he should and keeps the conversation short and dry. I didn’t change my behavior I keep acting the same like everything is ok. But I feel he is different,distant.
Hi, I’m dealing with this kind of situation at the moment.
My boyfriend is dealing with some stress from work, new project and the ex wife.
Right now, his ex wants to move back to they moved from (I guess she expects him to follow her and kids like it used to happen when he moved here because of that reason years ago)
8 months now, we normally live together but he’s away sometimes to take care of the kids for like a week every month which no problem for me. He agreed that moving back to that location is good for the kids education but for her he’s not sure. However, my concern is that he now has to be away to that new location that his ex and kids will move to (it’s also his hometown), to help on finding the apartment and prepare for schooling.
Been a week that he’s away and he is so distant to me, we used to talk everyday even though we live together we were talking to each a lot more and he shared me more on what it’s going on with him.
He talks to me less and less sweet, it’s painful. I’m reading all these helpful articles to help me not to think too much and do my best to handle this situation. I’m trying to be busy and reply his message as short but most supportive as I can. I’m trying to overcome the fear not having him back.
Last message I told him that I’ll let him having time there to get things done after he told me that he’s not struggling with everything. (he has lots of extra expenses for this move too) He said he has anxiety about kids moving away (where we are now and new location is about 13 hours fly) but anyway he will prepare everything for them to move smoothly.
At some moments I’m scared that he will get too emotional and wants to move back there to be near the kids (kids are now 14), I asked him before and he emphasized that he won’t go back to his ex.
I’m doing my best to stay calm, keep busy with my things and be supportive. I hope this will be over soon.
My thoughts exactly. This advice is a get out of jail free card for narcissists and psychopaths. Some of the relationships described in the comments fit that bill to a tee, it is very sad that advice like this will be doing more harm than good.
Thank you, Ray. I needed a male’s perspective, I’m hurt & all my girl friends are angry, so I can relate to almost all of these posts. I have been with a man that “needs his space” & needs a woman to be understanding about it. It’s hard for me because although we have been in a relationship for just a week over a year, I’ve been in love with him for 20. We had a 2 year off & on thing back then & I was very young & I did not understand him back then. Although I understand him now, it still hurts, & the fear is always there, nagging at me, bringing up thoughts like, is he wanting to see someone else? Am I the one pushing him away with my feelings? Why does he not love me the way I love him? Always wondering if there is someone else, but never really believing it. He told me from day one (a year ago) how he was, & I guess I decided back then I loved him enough I could handle his occasional distance & that I had enough love to push through it.
Some times I want to take this manly-man, guys-guy & shake him & say what the hell is wrong with you?!! (Many people want to do that for me right now.) but instead, I rush to tell him I love him & smother him with kind words & gushy love stuff. And he pulls away even further. Now, I am reminded of how in the beginning I gave this man his space & his time whenever I sensed he needed it, I had no control over it or him anyway, why fight it & push him farther away? I remember a day when he grabbed, pulled me close, kissed me, & thanked me for understanding & giving him his time. I would give anything for that moment to happen again, because it was real, & genuine. He was really happy at that moment & wanted me to know it.
Long story short, this article helped put things in perspective again. I’m going to try my Damndest to give him space when he seems to pull away, play the cool understanding girl a little while longer, & endure. I do love him with every ounce of my heart & soul. I have always been a very confident person & have NEVER let anyone “treat me” this way. But, I’ve also never loved someone so deeply nor with this personality type before.
Yes, girls, I am a highly intelligent woman, & quite attractive, but I am slowly figuring out, this is not about me. If you truly love someone, (& I truly do want to love this man for the rest of my life) you must respect them for whom they really are. But not be a doormat. Just seeing it through.
I’ll take all the prayers & positive energy anyone wants to send to Mary & Drew. I always pray God warms his heart & sends him back to me, God hasn’t failed me yet. Patience & perseverance a while longer. I’ll let you know.
Thank you for this article.
Mary, your comment really resonates with me. I’ve loved someone for over 20 years myself and was in a two-year relationship with him “back in the day.” We’ve been a couple again for the last three years, and unfortunately depression has caused major issues for us in our long-distance relationship.
I find, too, that his best buddy influences my man quite often. It’s so frustrating to know that he tells this guy everything about our relationship, and often bases his treatment of me on advice he gets from his friend. I sometimes feel there are three of us in this relationship.
I’m trying to be patient when I feel distance from him. I try not to always be “the fixer,” because I know that pushes him further away. It’s so frustrating to know, however, that alot of times it’s his depression that causes him to push me away. I wish he would care enough about me to get help for the depression.
Great article . Men deal with emotions differently , they also truly want to be in charge and for this they need to withdraw in order to think . For women its an opportunity to cool down and figure what they truly need from their men . And when he comes back be busy , be sweet ,understanding . Men dont change their mind that easily , the live they have for their women dont fade . Keep calm
I hope that women or men in the world don’t apply this article to their relationship. If someone distances themselves from you then they just don’t want to put effort into it. Therefore, it’s best to get away from that person as soon as possible. There are many others that will show 10 times the effort. Don’t fall into this social construction that, if your partner distances themselves, just act like everything is okay and force yourself to be happy with them.
Life is too important to waste your time on immature relationships. Whether it be as lovers, friends or family.
Absolutely. Why would u even bother with somebody like that. Everybody needs space and that applies to women also but that doesnt mean that u have to distance urself from each other to an extreme where u feel unloved and insecure in the relationship and why should any woman accept that its ok for a man to do this. Imagine if the woman did it…….different story then.
This article really helped me. My (ex) boyfriend of almost three years (in about a week from now) has recently broken up with me. 4 days ago to be exact. It hurts, I’ve been in a lot of pain. But for some reason I’ve been really good at not bothering him.
We broke up so sudden. I said one thing he didn’t like and it was like a switch. He had flipped just like that. Then all of a sudden all these problems he’s been thinking about has came up. I’m still trying to understand them. I’m still trying to understand which reasonings he said are actually true and which aren’t. It’s been 4 days, ive texted him once. No reply. I havent tried again, and I refuse to. I would hate to push him away further.
I really love him. I just want to hear from him. Some of the reasonings we broke up include he felt unappreciated, he wasn’t “getting” happy, he’s bored with the relationship because all we do is sit around, which I immediately told him that’s not fair and I always try to get him to do things and said I know. But a few more reasons he’s told me, he wants to be around someone positive, and I’ll admit I haven’t been in the best shape lately. I lost my job, I’ve been going through family issues, and friend issues. I always am first to tell him everything. I can understand why this is what could push him away. He is a very easy go free kind of guy. He also told me “I’m not what he wants in a girlfriend” of course all these words hurt. I think about everything he’s said and it hurts. Do I believe them? Slightly.
I say that because we’ve been together for three years. I just feel like he would’ve figured out sooner than later if I was what he wanted in a girlfriend. Our relationship is/was so great. We talked everyday, some days less than others but at the beginning and end of the day we always made contact. We hung out mostly 4out of 7 days a week. We’ve always made enough time for eachother, and what we want to do ourselves. We hardly ever fought. Of course we’ve had our few disputes, but nothing we couldn’t work through.
We’ve broken up once before about four months ago, it was different. But I guess I’ll admit overall the same thing. Except it was for TWO DAYS. and even within those two days we still talked slightly. I can’t tell you exactly what it was about. But long story short, I wasn’t being the more positive. I wasn’t treating him the way he should have been treated. I wasn’t treating him badly, but I wasn’t fully aware of everything he was doing for me. I was negative. Always complaining about my home life, friends, job, blahnlah. But very soon I realized how I was acting wasn’t going to get me or him anywhere for awhile. Then we talked. We were happy. We were together. He had planned to be with me the whole time. Just wanted me to realize some things. Boom. Happy.
I didn’t realize it then, but I don’t think I should’ve jumped back into the relationship so quickly. Because very soon afterwards, I started to fall into another slump after I lost two jobs within two months. I was stressed again, and started to feel depressed without realizing how much I put on his shoulders. He never complained. He was there for me. I feel like I took it for granted a little bit.
So, when we just recently broke up, we talked about a lot. He was bawling his eyes out the entire time. I could clearly see how much this was tearing him up. He’s explaining to me all these reasons that just don’t add up with how the actual relationship was. We were happy. We were best friends. we were so in love. We talked about out future together, moving out, getting married, careers. I have a connection with him who I don’t have with anyone else and its impossible for me to see me having that with anyone else. I could go on and on and on.
I miss him like crazy. But I love him so deeply that I’m willing to hurt while giving him his space. In hopes he will find his way back to me.
Hi Audrey. While I was reading your post I kind of thought it was me that was writing it for a moment! LOL I was just wondering how everything is? Did your ex boyfriend come back and if he did, how did he seem to you? Hope all is well and everything is the way you want it to be..
I reconnected with my ex after four years had gone by we been together now for 6 months the relationship has its ups and downs mostly downs we fight a lot but I love him very much and I want it to work between us he has been pulling back to the point were I’m afraid I’m losing him at first he was with me everyday now I barely see him he doesn’t call when he says he will he doesn’t keep his word it hurts so much so at first I poured my heart out to him over n over again trying to get him to see how much I cared and needed him that made it worse the past few days I’m trying to give him his space keep my mouth shut but it’s so hard I feel so neglected !!!!!!! How long should I give him his space before I confront him ???? This is not ok you can’t be so close to someone then suddenly pull away from them leaving them feelings horrible and rejected!!!!
I spent 6 years with my ex. We were young when we got together and we weren’t good at resolving conflict. But I truly believe we loved each other and that he is the right person for me. We both had a habit of ‘pulling away’. Push, pull, if it wasn’t him, it was me. By the end of it, it was dramatic. It was traumatic for me and him too because we didn’t know how to work it out. Since then we’ve both tried seeing other people. But somehow after 9 months we ended up back spending time together. Getting to know each other again. We started to get close… I never pressured him to be with me but I do love him. I’ve tried to be a lot more understanding of his space. Even his friends have said – ‘this is the best you guys have ever been’… But then shortly after he told me his friend had commented on our ‘changed friendship’ and how close we were getting, he attacked me saying I was getting too comfortable. I was so confused because he had been asking me to stay over and he said he was enjoying his time hanging out. That’s what we established it was. We’ve never put a label on anything and have been free to live our separate lives because of what we have been through there was no use rushing anything even a friendship. I was happy with that and I thought he was too.
But now, he is pulling away. Slowly but surely. I’m so lost. I’m trying to give him space but I’m scared he will go away forever. I don’t want that so I’m keeping my shut but I’m just so confused. I don’t know what to do. I love him dearly so much still (I have not expressed that as I’m conscious of the consequences of these things especially with an ex and what we went through).
Do I give up? Is he pulling away because he is scared? Or he just doesn’t feel the same? I don’t know :(
“I feel great that I’m hearing from you again”…is that a joke? You DON’T feel great that they treat you like that. Don’t be a doormat, it’s NOT OK to leave someone hanging, & saying that just allows them to get away with that kind of behaviour and think shelving you like a toy til they feel like playing with you again is OK. You’re better off acting disinterested & telling them flat out sorry but I’m not into that kinda thing, so you’ll have to put more effort in if you want me to stick around or I’m just going to assume you’re not interested and move on with my life. Do not allow people to treat you that way and reward bad behaviour by getting excited & happy they suddenly decide to return. Be true to yourself.
Wow, the anger. No wonder you may be having relationship issues. It has nothing to do with lying or hiding true feelings. It’s about letting a guy have his space. If you come after me saying how horrible I am etc. etc. I will NEVER want to see you again. Nobody likes that kind of women, and no man wants to date his mother. Also pulling away is not “bad behavior.” Would you rather he spend time with you but verbally and physically abuse you? Bad behavior is if the guy is rude and abusive and mean, etc. Pulling away is a man’s way of saying “Look, I like you a lot, but I really need some time and space to sort things out.” If you can’t accept that not everything is rosy and happy all the time, and that if the man you “love” needs to pull away and you just bark and say “you’re behaving badly,” then you have no reason to be in a relationship.
This article help me a lot I have dealt with the situation totally wrong I will try the advice and see what happens
So, get this. I’ve been seeing this guy for almost 3 months now, so not long. We have taken things pretty casually, I don’t know his past & haven’t asked. When it comes to ‘feelings’ I can tell he is not safe talking about it. We are completely compatible, and honestly I feel as if he’s my person. When we first started talking, we discussed about meeting the parents in general, and he expressed how he doesn’t bring just anyone home to his family & he wants to be sure they will be around for a while before doing so. So, I let him make the call as to when that would happen, if it would. A few weeks ago, he told me to reserve a specific date open for going home to meet his family. Which was just a week ago. Of course, it was the perfect weekend. Introduced me to his whole family, classmates, and family friends, and stayed an extra day than planned. 3 days later, I sent him a nice text- did not say the L word, but was pretty strong feeling. He replied with not feeling the same as me, and didn’t want to waste my time. I have tried calling him one time to get an explanation and he has not responded. Haven’t bugged him since the phone call. It’s so frustrating where 48 hrs prior to the text I was with him at his parents and seen absolutely no red flags. What should I do? What does this mean? I have never had a guy ‘pull away’ before.
Let him go for the time being. If he really likes you, he will come back. Meanwhile, focus on yourself — exercise, go out with your friends, see your family, have a hobby etc. It takes your mind away from this guy and also strengthens you as a person. If he doesn’t come back, you just move on and become a better version of yourself. If he comes back, then you can re-evaluate if you actually want to be with this guy. The “pull away” downtime is good for both of you.
Thank you for a male’s perspective, Ray. Exactly what I needed.
I know that what this article writes it’s true. At the same time, do I really want a person with which I have to lie about my true feelings? I am very intense, passionate, and so talk a lot about what so feel and what ai think. I feel hurt of I am not in his priorities, if he never calls me or if he says he is not sure of what he wants. Of course it would be better for the lenght of the relationship stay quiet and wait. But would I feel really fullfilled and loved just tolerating?
It has NOTHING to do with lying about your feelings, but about not chasing the other person when they need time and space, and TRUSTING the other person. When you chase, it basically signals him that you don’t trust him. Believe it, I know it’s counter-intuitive and for women, it’s a mystery, but it is TRUE. You want to date a guy, right? Then PLEASE understand it is natural for guys to want to find the balance between intimacy and independence, vulnerability and strength, relationship and freedom. If he need space, GIVE HIM SPACE. It says NOTHING about lying — it’s just it’s not the right time to discuss your feelings. Pick another time, like when you two are ready to have a talk — when he is feeling closer to you. Choose the right time and the right words. That’s all. No one says you should be lying about how you feel; and trust me, if you really are not happy to hear from him, then maybe you should just call it quits because that “love” is not real. I mean, if a child runs away and then comes back, would you ever feel and say “I don’t want to see you?” That’s just selfish, and love. Trust me, and this from a guy who has been on that side of the fence.
Hi Ray! Thank you very much for the male perspective. I am dating a man who is 11 years older, I’m 26 and he is 37. He works out in the ocean and a lot of times we have minimal conversation via text/call. But when we are together everything is great and we get along very well. When he doesn’t have to wake in the wee ours or work out of town, he is with me every single weekend. We have been together six months and I have met all his close friends and friends kids. I have done well so far in respecting his space. When he’s a weekend with his guy friends, I am understanding and just ask him to contact me once when he is back in town so he feels he is not missing out on what he loves. However, this past weekend he had a sailboat race on the weekend which he let me know in advance and we had plans for friday night. He reached out friday night saying that turns out he had to be at the venue in the wee hours so he would not be able to make our plans. I was emotionally unstable that weekend due to some work stress and family leaving so I needed him the most that friday. I did not think of my actions and instead of politely rescheduling for Monday, I blew him up – sent him various texts showing how I did not appreciate he canceled although it wasn’t his fault. I called numerous times in the weekend and texted many times while he was supposed to have time with his friends in the tournament. On Sunday I was so desperate that I passed by his house. His roomate was there and told me he hand’t come home yet. Since I blew him up friday, I have had no response to any of my texts nor has he answered any of my calls. I am very afraid that I scared him away and threatened his freedom. I also came out as desperate for going to his place. Today is Wednesday and I hadn’t reached out till Sunday. I sent him a very short/casual text apologizing for taking out my stress on him and for not letting him have his space, to which I got no response. I am going to wait a few days and hopefully he will come around, as our relationship has matured and he’s told me how much he cares for me. Did I blow this up completely since it has been 4 days with no response?
thanks alot. I hope your recommendation works for me. I’ll definitely give it a trial and it’s starts now.
I have been with my bf for just over a year lived with him for just over 6 of those, it’s been great he’s really been open and honest about his feelings but for the past month or so I have noticed how much he has thrown himself into work (self employed so can do as little or much as he pleases) and so our time together has dwindled? I challenged him over this as I wanted to spend time with him doing nice things all the time getting “as soon as much jobs are all done” which could be anytime! I truly believe he was now starting his pulling away stage, I am now worried that I have ‘ran’ after him too much and made things much much worse by delaying his pulling away possibly even ensuring he has had enough and is ready to call it a day! Hes working away at the moment and before he went we had another petty argument in which I stupidly told him that we should have some space with no communication whilst hes away (I felt like I couldn’t do right for doing wrong) I’m scared I have ruined it completely now! I self blame quite a lot (past relationship issues) since away he has texted me and told me he is also to blame for these issues and that with time he’s sure we will be alright, Please help what should I do, what actions should I take? If this is pulling away, will he be able to return still or has this gone too far? He’s due home on Thursday, how do I allow him time in his man cave when we live together?
Did your boyfriend make contact?
“How do I allow him in his man cave when we live together?”
Schedule a girls night out with your friends. Leave your man home by himself. Give him a hug and kiss, and then say “see you later.” Make him miss you — and show him that you’re not in a codependent relationship with him — that you have a social life, too. If he wants space, then give him space, while have a fun time with your friends outside of your relationship. When a man pulls away after being in a LTR for a while, sometimes it means he feels trapped or suffocated or obligated to you, or that he’s losing his freedom or sense of self because you’re now “all coupling all the time.” Immersing himself in work is a way for him to pull away from this codependence and gain a sense of self and independence. If you’re really worried, do an evaluation of your relationship — are you getting too clingy, needy, or do you want to do things with him 24/7 … are you having a codependent relationship? Is that the reason why your guy is pulling away? Sometimes, the issue may not just be his, but also yours.
in long distance relationship or friendship
for 11 months now we both in our forty
he used call three times day.. now it one time
day. I got gut feeling he pulling away,
and it scared me bcuz I love him.
one minute he act like he into me next he
acting like he just want to be friends.
I don’t say anything about this to him
I don’t want sound needy.
I don’t chase mens and don’t wait around to long, see what they going do becuz you
don’t know if they have met someone eles
or what. I’m going start going to skating rink
That’s my of moving on.
Instead of focusing on how much time he calls, spends time with you etc. Pay more attention at the QUALITY of your phone calls or time together. Is it good? Or are you in a rut? Or is he losing interest because you have nothing to talk about? When a relationship is in trouble, the first sign is the quality of the friendship and connection. Pay more attention to that, instead of the numbers. Trust me, if the connection is strong and the love is there, he will bounce back. But if the connection is lost over time, you need to figure out how to get it back instead of just “moving on” — that is YOU pulling away from this, too. Oh yeah, women can pull away too, basically by shunning the guy.
When the Connection is lost, what are good ways to get that back?
I so needed your article today. Thank you.
I googled in hopes to find answrrs to my confussion in his now pulling away.
He lives 4hrs away.
When we first started talking online I simply payed him a compliment and he asked me to stick around to chat with him.
He was so into me always calling throughout the day at work. He even told me he got off work early just to be able to spend quality time talking. He told me, it’s been such a long time he’s felt this way. I could tell he’s scared of feelings because he told me he has to make me laugh to feel comfortable and calls me weirdo when I talk sappy. lol
He on a quick whim planned a weekend visit out here and even surprised me by showing up a day early.
Was like a sceen out of an awkward love story. lol
He was so sweet, romantic, a gentleman, fun, funny. He made my heart flutter. He tried to recreate my pose in the photo of me he had made his desk top photo. (I had made his photo my screen saver on my cell too. lol) He was doing things to keep my comfortable and told me he didn’t come all this way for sex and proved he wanted more. We were like best friends. So compatible.
I have never felt this way about any man before.
I am getting teary eyed just thinking about the hurt I’m trying hard not to feel.
He had to leave to go back to work, but hadn’t told me when he was leaving till the morning of. He can tell I was hurt, even though I tried not to be and hide it. On our drive to go back to my place before his trek home he passed by the turn off.
I was like, You missed the turn.
He said, yah, I know.
and spent a few more hours with me.
He reassured me he didn’t want to leave, and asked to come back the next weekend.
To which I said yes.
He started pushing away that same night. Not even letting me know he made it home ok.
I had sent him the two pics taken of us both and one of scenery and a sexy pic so not to freak him out with “couple” looking photos.
I’m regretting sending them, and feel now I should have waited. He did compliment them by text. … … He hasn’t called me since before he left. :(
He told me he wouldn’t be coming out the following weekend and sounded upset he was behind in work.
He has now completly stopped communicating with me. :(
I had stupidly send a text sad face… With no response. It’s been over 24 hrs now since I sent it, and going on 5 days since I heard anything from him.
I tried not to but tears fell last night.
I before reading your article sent him a offline Skype message telling him I hope work is going good ect., thanked him for the nice weekend, and put to him I’m doing my own thing (obviously with him still on my mind) and ended with a, I’m going to relax and watch a movie. :P
I am so scared this man who has me falling for him .. That I will never see him again.
I already am starting the grieving process.
I did as your article outlined did think, I wasn’t good enough. .. He’s not as attracted to me now that the fire of first meeting is behind us.
Hard not to when you just can’t, and maybe never will understand – What he’s feeling to make him completely pull away.
Im also experiencing this right now. I’ve been talking to this guy for a month. He texts and calls me everyday and after two weeks he said that he is falling in love with me. I told him that if I want to commit it should be with someone who is serious and for long term. He said he’s looking for the same too. And so we decided to meet and spend the day together. We were so happy and compatible. I felt safe and comfortable with him so I decided to get steady with him. Even it was time for me to go he’s still the same. Sweet and caring he even said that he wants to come and visit my home. Few more days and texting and nothing is changed he’s still the same guy I met so I was really worried when suddenly he stopped communicating with me. I let the 4 days passed without asking him what’s the problem. As I was so worried and confused I texted him like this ” I’m afraid my bf has been abducted by Pokemons. Do you know anything about this?” Just to make the convo light. Then he replied ” who are you?”. That moment I felt like my heart was torn into pieces. Here I was, so worried but then he just don’t care. I’ve waited a few days more and I asked him what’s the problem? He said that he’s been thinking if he’s the right guy for me cuz he has no direction. He doesn’t know what he wants in life and asked me if he is someone that I would like to spend my life with. He said that he love me but he’s too scared. I told him that love is a gamble. And I gambled for him and that I was really hurt by his actions. I even said that I thought we could achieve what we want together, but he didn’t say anything. I ended up the convo by saying that I will always pray for him and I wish that someday he would find what he wants in life and I hope he could find someone who would make him happy. He did not reply . So I guess that’s it. He pulled back and im not sure if I did the right thing. I think that he doesn’t want me anymore but I still love him and would be willing to figure out things together but it was him who gave up. I asked myself if I want someone like that I think I don’t. So yeah we broke up.
i’m currently experiencing this and i don’t know what to do :( did he ever bounce back to you? did he ever contact you? the last thing that he told me was he really likes me. so im really confused because why would he tell me that and vanish? hes been going MIA for 5 days now and it kills me :(
I believe a week or maximum of two weeks in the first 6 months or so of getting to know each other is okay – for him to retreat into his man cave. If he’s going for longer than that after the first 6 months of the relationship or continuing to pull away altogether, you’re wasting your time on him. He’s not ready to settle down or simply just not into you, period. Walk away, girlfriend.
This article is completely speaking to my current situation. It definitely seems like my guy is pulling away a little bit, still answering texts and things but very barely, not making plans to see me this weekend, etc., but all of the signs up until this point were that he was very into me. I tried reaching out to him a little more than I usually have been in response, but I’m going to pull back a little bit and give him the space he needs and let him come to me as this article says.
Does anyone have any reports of how long it’s been before a guy typically comes back?
Happened to me 6 weeks ago … I barely get a reply …via text ..he doesn’t pick up the phone … Nor call me back … I got so frustrated last week and said some really bad things … Being ignored is a nightmare … I truly believe I pushed him away further … Maybe now forever … It sucks !!!
Yup… you did. You should have just let it go and see if he comes back to you. Instead, you made him feel even more certain that he doesn’t want to be with you — who wants someone who makes them feel bad?
don’t you understand, HE made HER feel bad! It’s misery to sit around and wait when you feel your love slipping away. :(
Ray, I want to thank you for all your input in this thread. I caught myself skipping over all the others to get to yours. It’s not very common for a guy to just level with the female species and to do so in such a non judgmental way. Your insight has really helped me and I’m sure will serve me for years to come.
I’ve been “hanging out” with this guy off and on for two years. Before meeting him I read books on this exact subject. I’ve been married and divorced twice so I wanted to make sure I knew what I was doing if I got involved with a man again. I’m very opened about my feels I always have been. I like that about myself but in the past I’ve also been pushy wanting things to happen right away. Now with this guy I’m “hanging out” with has pulled away a lot in the 2 yrs I’ve been seeing him, but he had always come back. I think it’s because I always gave him his space. Since being married and divorced twice taking things slow was fine with me. Just recently though, I couldn’t help myself and I told him that I loved him. I thought for sure he was going to pull away, but he didn’t not right away anyways. In fact, we talked about making it exclusive. I was so happy because it’s what I had been waiting patiently for two years for. Recently, we had a two year anniversary of when we met so being the person I am I gave him a card. I said a paragraph of very heartfelt things. I knew this would definitely make him pull away from me and I was right. Even though I know when it’s going to happen it still doesn’t make it easy to deal with. I love him and I want him to know this. I want him to know that I accept him for who he is. I feel the only way I’m going to get him to trust me is by letting him have his time away from me. When he comes back he’s different, for instance, he more loving sweeter. I believe him when he says he’s happy with me. He too has been in difficult relationships in the past that broke his heart. Love isn’t meant to go fast. Love takes time. I’m glad it’s going this way even though it’s hard because I came from abusive background and it’s why my marriages ended. This guy inspires me to grow and find myself. I’ve started back to school at 43 yrs old because of his encouragement. I don’t feel I have to be someone I’m not when I’m with him. I feel safe when I’m with him. I want him to feel the same when he’s with me. I feel that’s what true love is all about. I may love him but he’s not my whole world, he’s only part of it.
Erika, thank you for that. After a 13 year horrible marriage and another 2 year relationship, I felt broken. I am seeing a guy who has been through something similar. He has told me he has a hard time expressing feelings. Now, he is pulling a way a little. I feel depressed, as if I am not good enough. But your response, helps me to realize: Slow is good and he and I both need time. When we are together, things are fantastic. I will give it time and see what happens.
I honestly think that it’s Bill to say its natural for a man to pull away. Ladies if this is a continuing behavior, pout your foot down, thou don’t deserve to be treated like a doormat for him to wipe his get on when he feels comfortable. This way of thinking is saying that its acceptable behavior and we should coddle tnen when they decide to cone around… This is ridiculous and we’re living in a new she of sissyfied men. If I want to coddle something I’ll grab my cat. Step into this mellinium please and stop making men the victims of their selfish behaviors its sickening! Men aren’t children and shouldn’t be treated as such. If they want the relationship they’re in, if not pack sand, have a great life and good luck finding a woman who will out up with that behavior these days.
I have been dealing with a man who has been doing this exact thing and it has been driving me crazy. honestly, I’m sick of dealing with it. I want to spend my time on someone who has time for me & makes me a priority. I want to say something but at the same time I love him and am scared of losing him.
I think the best thing to do is to say “look, I can’t deal with ups and downs, I need a steady, secure relationship. If ours isn’t working like that, then we need to part ways.” and seriously never look back!
Some statements in this article are right some are not really applicable in my situation. I have two potential lover in the future trying to get me but I haven’t decided which one because thet need to show me something first and of course I don’t give those things they want. Suddenly both of them were pulling away and not gave much attention as before, that time I waited and even no clue at all what have had happened. I tried not to put any assumption and put blame on myself, tried to relax and had fun with friends. Two months, then I just shoot the questions to both. I don’t care, if they’re not interested please don’t block my door. “You okay? Are you not interested in me anymore? You mad at me or something?”.. One got angry and said that I am the one who becomes distant and not talking to him, in fact I was just giving him space. We had argument and he left. The other guy said sorry, he didn’t give any reason, he just said sorry and but coming back more to me, giving more attention bigger and sweeter than before. He said he feels wanted by me, and now I know which one to choose. So the point is just speak up and see his reaction. Let it naturally, if you mad and become uncomfortable just say it. Plenty fishes in the sea, with patients you will know that he’s the one. A feeling without pressure or hideous love game. Goodluck!
I met my BF six months ago. I thought things were going great. If he needs me to do things for him I do if I can. Usually because of our work schedules we only see each other on the weekends so I am not crowding him. We have never had a bad argument although he has made me mad before I get over things quickly. Then out of the blue he stopped calling and returning my calls. Was he hurt or dead? I drove to his house and knocked. No answer although his truck was there. I left a note but haven’t heard back. It’s been two weeks. I’m very hurt and confused. I feel like I could be okay with giving him space if he had said he needed space. At least then I wouldn’t have to speculate. I had told him I loved him and maybe he freaked out. But I believe if you feel it. Should say it because tomorrow is not promised and I don’t want to regret not saying it. FYI my BF is twice divorced. Maybe that’s why he’s freaked.
Before reading this article, if a guy pulled away I would have automatically assumed he was no longer interested, had met someone else or I’d done something to upset him. In addition, I most certainly wouldn’t have been happy to welcome him back with open arms. On the other hand, IF the need for space was communicated beforehand-though I’d still be wondering- then I’d have no problem with this at all.
I am dealing with this very same issue right now.
My boyfriend, whom I’ve only been in a “committed relationship “with since January 1st, is severely depressed! I have been his friend for almost a year now and I know his issues and it has been a continuous roller-coaster ride!!!
We just went away for the weekend…everything was perfect; he made me breakfast, I rented a beautiful cabin for the 2 of us, we went fishing, and our last night away, he freaked out on me!
I don’t know what was going on in his head??
I remained calm for the most part while he ranted and raved about things I can’t even remember. So, I’m giving him his space. He either has texted me every day or called me, but it’s not the same.
I am trying to focus on nursing school and establishing a new career in my 40’s..he knows how important this is to my future, possibly even his, so I don’t know???
All I can say is, depression, alcohol, and low self-esteem from my partner is very difficult to handle. Had I not been friends with him first, I don’t know if I would’ve decided to be in this relationship. But I love him
Anyone else dealing with something like this?
Sorry for the long post, but I’m trying to paint an accurate picture here of what I’ve been experiencing.
Narcissistic rage, research it.
Mental health is very hard to deal with and many places just do not treat it well.
What am I supposed to do when I communicate my feelings, but that seemed to push him away even further?
There are a lot of things that can cause a person to pull away from normal life. Tread lightly and make sure you are only trying to find out in the best interest of the person.
This is a very important post. There is not enough attention on things like this and what causes them.
This would be a bad situation to be in. I hope it does not happen to me cause I can barely deal with my own problems.
This happened to my dad when I was young. I never knew what was going on at the time.
Depression can affect even the strongest man. None of us are immune to it and when it comes on you have hope that you have a great support group.
It is one thing that I hope I do not have to deal with in my own family.
There are many love style songs that would relate to this situation.
I am sure that each guy, or person for that matter, has their own reason for pulling away from someone.
Very good theories here!
I think in most cases you could really get him to come back into you if you wait a bit and then try to create that desire again.
Its not really fun to sit around and wait for the guy to come back on his own. I mean, I want to help him and wish I could show him that he can trust me.
Depression is not good, even for men. It is important that you understand why he is pulling away before try to reel him back in.
No it is not. It can lead to very bad things, so if you see your man pulling away, it would be wise to make sure you can touch base with the root cause.
Some men just need to have their alone time. If the relationship is getting to hot and heavy, they might pull away a little to remember who they really are.
So do woman, don’t you think?
There are a lot of reasons that a person would pull away. The key is to be sensitive about it and try to find out what they are.
Very good tips. The key to get this taken care of right away, before things escalate.
I feel the same way. My b/f pulled away one time in the beginning and I was not sure how to handle it. I have never dealt with something like that before.
What did you end up doing?
It would be nice to know why men do something like this. Right now my g/f is freaking out because she thinks I am pulling away, even though I told her I am not. I wish she would just trust me.
My brother has dealt with depression for many years and because of that, he has pulled himself out of relationships. Withdrawing was something he knew how to do and thought it fixed things, but that was not the case.
There is nothing wrong with a man pulling away. Whether or not he tries to get help that he needs is another story. That can be very bad for him if he is dealing with things like this on his own.
Nobody is saying it is wrong. They are just suggesting that you need to make sure you can find out why so you can help bring them back.
This can be the start of other issues with him. It is very important to make sure that he is not going into a depressive state.
Yes, a depressive state would not be a good thing.
When it comes to either partner pulling away, it can be a very slippery slope to walk on.
Yes it can. But that does not mean you shouldn’t try and find out why they are pulling away.
The waiting game, I mean the wait for him to come back, is so painful. What if it does not happen?
Well, then you should take it as a sign and get a new man. You should not wait forever.
I have never been one to pull away from a relationship, however, after reading this I can see how it would happen. In my mind, if the guy is pulling away, he might not be interested anymore.
So what you are saying is that if I were to pull away from my wife, I would not expect her to ask me what is wrong and just let me float away with issues on my mind?
I am fine that pulling away might be something natural to do, but what if I do not have a clue as to why it is happening? Can I ask? Should I push to get an answer so I can maybe help?
Any man that is pulling away will have a reason and it is your job to figure out why. However, that can be thin ice to walk on so you must take it easy and be careful!
You have to lure him back with some treats and not make any sudden movements :)
This made me laugh. However, it is a good point.
good advice. :)
Depression can take down the toughest man that you ever knew.
Weird, I never would have thought I would see a guy pull back. I just figured that was a woman thing they do when they feel like things are going too fast or something like that.
Do you think that all men would normally do this but pride gets into the way?
Because men can be so stubborn, it would be a benefit to do what you can to make him realize he needs to come back. Not just pull him back, but make him realize that he belongs back with you.
I am guessing that is part of the problem. Men are stubborn and might not admit to anything.
I have a man that does this every once in a while. I am not sure why it is and I have tried to ask him about the problem, but have not had any success. A friend mentioned that he could have depression, is this possible?
This is very good advice. Regardless of his reason to glide away from you, bringing him back is going to be a better solution compared to “PULLING” him back.
This is true. I do not think you could force a guy back into a situation like this without bad things coming with.
I am going to admit that it might not be normal for the guy to pull away, but it does happen. These are great tips! They worked for me.
I have seen it myself. It is something that you must be prepared for when you love a person!
I think you are right. Just like when a woman needs space, a guy will go through that trouble as well.
Makes sense to me. Some men are actually more human than we think!
Your saying that if my guy is pulling away, which is easy for me to notice, that is a natural thing? I am not really buying that. My b/f has been distant for a good part of the last month and I have been trying like hell to figure it out, but cannot.
Well, it could be. People tend to pull away to do their own thing at some point. That does not mean he is not loving you anymore. You have to understand where he is coming from.
I always felt that I would not try to push when this happens, but I did. I wish I would have read these tips about 4 months ago. Thanks for posting!
It was not your fault. you are only knowing now what you could have done then. better luck next time.
I have never experienced a guy that slipped away. I usually see that it the woman’s thing after a while. Almost like they are not sure about what they are doing. I guess if it were a man, getting him back would be the same as the woman doing it to a man, right?
You are right.
I was in a relationship with I guy where I pulled away because I fell in love with him and I needed time to process it. I didnt tell him how I felt. I still texted a little, maybe every second/third day just a bit over two weeks, but by the time I came back, he was moody, and started drifting a little from me. He then wanted time apart because he couldn’t deal with my emotional boundary I put up before. So I told him the issues I had and that I fell in love with him. So while we gave each other space, we missed each other. I was happy to see him when I cane back but he begged me to fall right back into the relationship too fast and it was all a very confusing mix of blaming and missing me and I found myself backing away again. Thats when I decided to stopped seeing him, even though I loved him.
Funny thing is that years later I find myself in the same situation with my current boyfriend. I love him. I know he loves me. I havent had the chance to process this, and now Im the one feeling like my ex did those years ago. I’ll give him space, but Im not going to grovel, attack or blame him, because I’ve been there.
Similarly, Ive seen my brother go through something similar. He did the exact thing with his current girlfriend, he moved out for a week to retreat after a minor conflict, and she was so upset, leaving presents at the door and calling me to find out if he was ok etc. I had to tell her to stop and give him space. He came around, I didnt pressure him and didnt go into it much. But the up side is that he’s still with her now.
I think its also a vulnerability issue, also if you are angry or upset it is sometimes easier to deal with the situation after calming down.
I think of it also as any other conflict you had in your life, if you are disagreeing with someone its better to walk away before it becomes emotionally too much, and regret your actions. Its worse when someone is adding fuel to the fire, pestering you to continue, you start to run away further just to find the calm.
So an update, my boyfriend came back. It was a mix of everything that had piled up slowly in the last 6months that he didn’t deal with effectively. This isn’t such a surprise as he spoke about it a week before such as physical and mental long work hours, debts and family issues which he felt affected the quality of our relationship. He retreated to become calm and gain clarity. Mind you, this was a 2 week retreat with only 2 ‘I’ll contact you soon’ texts so I kept my distance. When he came back I was supportive and he opened up to me. So now he just needs some support and a clear path. The last thing I’d ever do is blame him for his absence while he is going through a vulnerable time.
Great advice that actually works! Thank you for posting this. Most woman would keep pushing because they are not able to figure out what is wrong with the guy.
Yes it does! I followed the same tips and before you know it, things were getting back to normal.
Totally, I was not thinking about things like this until I had a guy look the other way and almost drop into a deep depression if it was not for the help we gave him.
Pushing away a guy has happened to me. The bad news is that before I could realize it, he was too far gone and that broke my heart. I learned a tough lesson that day.
This is too bad. You should have realized your mistakes and fixed them sooner so the guy was nowhere to be found before it was too late.
I didn’t think that getting that desire for me back into him would be that tough, but I am not having much luck. Ever since I told him I was pregnant, he has been distant. Is this normal?
Maybe at first. He could be in shock thinking it might not have happened that way. Or maybe he might even feel that the kid is not his. You have to talk to him, if he is any type of real man, he will come around.
These are great tips! You do not want to push too hard at points like this, however, there are ways to reel him back in from the edge if you know what I mean.
Suggestions on reeling?
Just met a guy. He pursued me. I went with it and maybe seemed too enthusiastic? We had 2 dates, we were very attracted to each other. Maybe went a little fast?? And now he had stopped texting. He has checked out.
I sent 2 texts this week (wanna get together again and how’s it goin) and he has not
I feel like my b/f is doing this to me. We have been together for like 3 years now and should be talking about our future, but it seems like whenever that comes up, he tries to avoid the talk and change the subject. Is that right?
That is too bad. If you feel that this is happening to you, see if you can get help as soon as possible.
Very good points. And for woman, it might be hard at first, but you have to understand that it is natural. Just take your time and things will get back to normal.
Yes they are and as a therapist, these are some good slices of advice for getting them back from what seems like the brink of leaving you forever.
It sounds like you are thinking the same way that I do. Taking your time is key.
I think this is common for both people in a relationship at some point. You have been spending a lot of time together, right? A little time away is no big deal.
I thought this one time. Boy, I could have not been more wrong. My man was pulling away and I was not sure why, but it did not get better regardless of what I did. I am just saying that it might not be as easy as changing the ways you look at him.
Agreed. Same for me.
It might not be something you want to admit, but when it happens, you have to be ready for it. I thought I was, but it hit me so hard and I was not sure what to do about it. My friends are great and they helped me through it!
It is hard to admit that it is happening and the first thing you might do is blame yourself, but you have to ask to really find out what the deal is.
Great tips! I can certainly attest to the first one. At some point, even though you spend every single minute together, there will be “away from me” time needed. Just give it, it will be ok.