From a letter we received from a reader:
I’m friends with a guy that I’ve been hanging out with for about a year. We’ve always rally enjoyed each other’s company, and there hasn’t been anything sexual between us – until last weekend. Somehow we ended up sleeping together. I say somehow, but if I’m honest with myself I could tell that there was some sexual chemistry building between us even when we were “just friends.” The sex we had was not earth-shattering, but it was pretty great, and I’m worried now because he used to text me every day and now he’s gone totally M.I.A. How do I get him to pay attention to me again? Is he weirded out that we had sex? What do I do next so I don’t ruin our friendship?
Ariel, there are millions of women who have been in the exact same situation as you have been so we are going to tell you exactly what is happening here. You’re likely wondering to yourself – if we had so much fun together as friends, and sex was pretty great even the first time – why wouldn’t he want to hang out with me more?
The Truth is Staring You in the Face: sex changes everything
Let us explain this as simply and kindly as possible. You two didn’t go get ice cream together or laugh at a new movie together, you put your most private parts together. It could just as easily be you acting strange after sex, but with men, it’s a little different. Keep reading, and we’ll explain why.
Take This Quiz And Find Out Right Now: Are You His Type
When you’ve had sex with a man you become vulnerable, and so does he. It is going to bring up every insecurity that you could possibly imagine. It forces you to look at someone in a completely different light. To save you some serious headache and heartache, we’re going to answer all those questions swirling around in your head, like, “What happened, we were so great together?!” or “Did he just sleep with me and dump me?” or “Is he still interested but just freaking out because we got busy?”
First, stop torturing yourself. If you let it, insecurity can get the best of you, and it doesn’t lead to a pretty place. Before you ever had sex with this guy, hopefully you were a wonderful, charming, intelligent, confident woman who could have almost any guy she chose. If you weren’t, to be honest, therein lies the rub. If you only slept with a man because it made you feel more loved or more confident, then he is going to feel that deep, aching need in you, and it isn’t very attractive. If you were already confident and love yourself, then the act of sharing another person’s bodily fluids won’t make him turn and run. In fact, just the opposite is likely to happen.
That being established, let’s look at how men and women tend to react differently after the line in the sand has been crossed – and yes. Were’ talking about S.E.X.
How Sex Affects Women
There is tons of research showing that casual sex is more correlative to negative psychological feelings in women than in men. It doesn’t mean that women don’t love casual sex, and can’t truly enjoy it, they certainly can, but women are more likely to feel emotionally vulnerable after they’ve had sex. It may be left over from a biological need to connect with a man after she’s pro-created with him (even though lots of sex is had without a desire to make babies).
She wants him to stay and take care of his potential offspring – so it’s almost hard wired into a woman’s physiology to want to emotionally connect after sex, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately though, it can make women emotionally needy. This is particularly the case if you really like a guy and want more from him than just a casual sexual encounter.
This is even more the case if she orgasms. When she has great sex, and the big O happens, a cascade of hormones (oxytocin in particular) flood through her body causing her seek the affections of the same man again.
Oxytocin, for example is the same bonding hormones that mother’s feel when the y nurse their babies, so it is pretty strong in how it affects a woman’s feelings.
How Sex Affects Men
Even though we live in a world replete with hook up apps, like Tinder, Blendr, Grindr, etc. a man doesn’t just want sex, but he is wired differently than a woman. His biological imperative is very different. Men tend to pull away after sex because even though they also get a flood of hormones like oxytocin just like a woman, they also experience a decrease in testosterone.
This is also why a man will temporarily stop the “chase” once he’s has sex with you. His biology will allow nothing different. When his testosterone levels stabilize again, he will find his libido is up and he will begin to seek out sex with an appealing partner or partners.
What to Do About the Difference
The worst thing you can do is let your neediness get the best of you while his physiological, natural reaction is to take a little time out.
He may not even know if he is interested in pursuing a relationship while his body is recovering from sex.
Where Is Your Relationship Going?
Of course you want some clarity about what is going to happen to your relationship after sex, but it boils down to having an open an honest talk after he has had a chance to recover from lowered testosterone. The, and only then is it safe to broach the subject, and then it should be addressed.
Wouldn’t it be better to know if that “oops” sex between the two of you is something he wants to pursue further or if he wants to go back to being friends, and it really was just an oops because he can’t picture himself with you.
As harsh as that may sound, it’s a gift. Knowing where you stand frees you to stop obsessing. Men often have a very particular “type” of woman in their minds that they want to date, and you either are that type or you are not. Women tend to be the same way. And scientifically speaking, people usually know if they are interested in each other sexually within the first 30 seconds of meeting!
There are also three distinct phases of falling in love, too, so you will waste a lot of time working against those deep instincts in human nature.
Sometimes it can be better to wait for him to initiate contact and then ask if he wants to talk about what happened. Feel out his stance on the subject before you blurt out, “we had sex, are you falling in love with me, or not?!”
In the best-case scenario, you would have talked about what having sex meant in the first place, so there would be no misunderstandings. Is he leaning on you for physical comfort after a break up, is he just horny with no other prospects, or has he secretly wanted to take your friendship to the next level since he first laid eyes on you?
Since that talk likely didn’t happen before you had sex, you have the responsibility of having it now.
The Sex Talk People Avoid
Talking about sex when you just want to have sex can seem like a mood killer, but if all the rules are established before you get freaky, you can really let loose, and enjoy sex more fully.
If you ask if your partner just wants to have fun, or if they are considering trying on a relationship, no one will get their hopes up for something more. At least, they are less likely to, because they are well informed before the sexual act ever happens. If he says he just wants to have some fun and you’re looking for a romantic partner that will be in your life for a long time, then there is an obvious disconnect, and as steamy as the moment may be, you can walk away, knowing you need to pursue a different relationship.
Try having a conversation like this:
When you are just looking for a casual hook up – “I just want to be completely open with you and let you know that I’m not ready for anything serious right now. I don’t want a commitment or a full-time relationship. I just want to have a little fun. Are you o.k. with that?”
If he agrees, then great, you can proceed. If he looks stunned, hurt or awkward, then you might want to rethink having sex with him.
When you are looking for a more serious relationship – “I’m having such a good time with you, and I feel like things are heating up. I just want to make sure we don’t do anything to jeopardize our friendship. I’d love to explore a sexual relationship with you, but I’m not looking for a one-night hook-up. Are you o.k. with that?”
If he is, then proceed! If he says that he just wants to have a little fun because you look so good tonight, then that’s a red flag but you can still decide to have sex with him – just know what you are getting yourself into. He’s not going to be your boyfriend, he’s just friends with benefits until you find someone who is looking for the same thing that you are.
Don’t expect him to change his stance. It happens, but it’s about as likely as finding a palm tree in Antarctica. Usually men are very clear about what they want from a woman – just sex, or something more – and quite quickly into their relationship or friendship with them.
A Note About Casual Sex…
Obviously, we don’t need to stress enough that protection is a must if you’re going to engage in casual sex, but it isn’t just for men. Casual sex is not a good fit for many women, but some women can and do enjoy it. If you’re going to engage in casual sex, know that your biological programming is working against you since the hormones released from sex (and the emotions it triggers) are designed to make you feel bonded to the man you’re having sex with. If you’re going to engage in casual sex, you’ll need to protect your heart by knowing this up front.
Also, know that his tendency to pull away is normal and natural and isn’t a reflection on you. Men are going to try to have sex with just about any woman with a pulse. Only a select few will capture his heart.
The moment you can’t keep the relationship casual, you know it’s time to end it. It isn’t worth your heart and a negative psychological experience. If you can keep having sex, and it doesn’t keep you wrapped up in obsessive thoughts about the guy, then go for it. Know at all times what the sex means to you and only do what feels good.
In any relationship there are 2 pivotal moments that determine if you get to live happily ever after or if it all ends in heartbreak so pay attention because this next step is vitally important. At some point the man you want is going to ask himself is this the woman I should commit to for the long term? And the answer to that determines everything… Do you know how men determine if a woman is girlfriend material (the type of woman he commits himself to) or if he sees you as just a fling? If not you need to read this next: The #1 Thing Men Desire In A Woman…
Also a final word of warning because this will destroy even the strongest relationship if you’re not careful: At some point he starts to lose interest. He doesn’t call you back or he becomes emotionally closed off. He seems like he’s losing interest or pulling away – do you know what to do? If not you’re putting your relationship and the future of your love life in great danger, read this now or risk losing him forever: If He’s Pulling Away, Do This…
Want to find out if you are really the type of the man you like Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Are You His Type” Quiz right now and find out if you are really the type of the man you like..