Recently, a friend asked me a very illuminating question.
I’ve been dating a guy for about a month, and we knew each other for a while before we started dating. I thought the dates were incredible, we clicked in so many important ways. The problem is, we had sex and he did that thing guys do where he disappeared after.
I haven’t texted him or called him or anything, I’ve been really good about following the “rules” for this sort of thing. I’ve been active on Facebook and he knows that I’ve been enjoying myself and not sulking waiting for him to call.
Still… I want to know, is it ok for me to reach out to him in ANY kind of way right now? How long should I wait before writing him off as someone who isn’t interested in me? Do women have any options here, besides just knowing that he’s missing out on someone great? Can I do anything besides sit around waiting for him to call? Is it ok for me to contact him? “
Now, this question is illuminating – because it reveals a lot about the mindset of the woman asking the question.
Here’s what she was really asking me: “I want to keep moving forward with my relationship with this guy, and I read somewhere that sometimes guys will lose interest in a woman after they have sex, and now I’m starting to freak out (probably because someone gave me bad advice).”
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Here’s a key insight: that’s the wrong mindset. Guys don’t care that much about sex.
Getting Into A Relationship Is Never Just About Sex
Of course, guys want sex. They like sex. But sex isn’t the be all end all for men. It’s not the criteria they use to choose a long term mate.
So if you think of sex like a “bargaining chip” in the beginning stages of a relationship, you’re always going to be worried that men are using you “to get the sex”, and it’s going to sabotage your relationships before they even begin.
That kind of thinking sets up an adversarial relationship between you and the guy, where he’s trying to “get” something from you. When that’s the dynamic you create, it sabotages the growth of any sort of intimacy, trust, or comfort – because in that dynamic you’re on opposite sides, not on the same team.
More importantly: asking about the “rules” of dating and obsessing over whether you should text him or not shows a far more harmful mindset that will undermine all of your relationships before they even begin.
If you’re obsessing over something as small as whether to text him or not, it means you’re obsessed with him and with being in a relationship with him.
Obsession Kills Relationships Before They Even Begin
Obsession – no matter what form it takes – is bad and harmful to your relationships. Obsession will always lead to feeling fear and insecurity about your future with him, which will influence every interaction you have with him.
And the truth is this: that’s going to hurt your relationship with him and turn him off more than anything else. Guys can pick up on those negative emotions like fear of loss and insecurity.
And just like regarding sex as a “bargaining chip” creates a destructive dynamic that sabotages any relationship – obsession and fear of loss will create an even worse dynamic between you that destroys any chance of a relationship together.
Think about it this way: if you’re thinking about your future with this guy a lot and feeling a lot of discomfort, fear, and insecurity about it, all of that negativity is going to come through in your words and actions with him.
All of a sudden, the dynamic of your relationship with him will become you wanting a relationship from him, and him withholding a relationship from you.
That kind of dynamic is poison, because it means that your relationship together is no longer something that can organically grow between two people that like each other. It becomes something that you want to “get” from him, and that will turn a guy off more than anything else possibly could.
That dynamic puts him on edge – it will feel like he’s walking on eggshells when he talks to you and even when he’s not talking to you.
Think about a time that a sleazy guy has hit on you. The thing that made him sleazy was that he wanted to “get” sex from you, he didn’t want to have sex with you. He was trying to “get” something from you – the dynamic between you was adversarial where he was aggressively trying to take something from you and you were automatically withholding it from him. That’s what made him feel so creepy – like he was someone you desperately wanted to escape from.
In any situation, if someone wants to get something from you, it automatically puts you on edge and on guard, and makes you feel like you want to escape. (That’s why it’s hard to feel comfortable around a sales person – you know that they’re trying to sell you and get your money from you.)
If a guy feels like a woman wants desperately to turn what they have into a relationship, it’s going to trigger a need to escape in him (unless he also wants a relationship).
So the most important part of your question actually isn’t the question – it’s about the mindset that the question reveals.
So Will Contacting Him Make Or Break Your Relationship?
No – not at all.Whether you contact him or not is a trivial detail that won’t have any bearing on whether you wind up dating or not.
The big picture is that you two are living breathing people who relate in thousands of different ways every time you’re together or you have a conversation.
Whether or not you contact him once right now has no bearing on the big picture.
The only reason I’m harping on this part of the question is because it signals something bigger about your mindset – it signals that you’re at least a little bit obsessed with this guy.
If you fall into the trap of obsession, fear of loss, and insecurity, it’s going to severely damage the dynamic of the relationship (maybe permanently).
The Reasons Why Men Withdraw After Sex
It’s impossible to give the exact reason why a guy did or didn’t withdraw after you had sex. Every guy is different, every relationship is different, and every situation is different. The only thing you can control is your attitude and your reaction to the circumstances. And the best attitude you can possibly have is that that you’re worth it – that you’re a catch and any man would be lucky to have you. You have choice over who you decide you want to be with, and if this guy isn’t living up to what you want out of a man, you can choose a different man instead.
As soon as he feels that you want a relationship from him (rather than with him), it triggers an extremely strong need to escape in him.
That’s why the most important thing here is your mindset.
The strongest mindset you can have (and the most irresistible one to men) is one that says: “I’m worth it – I’m a catch and the man I choose will be lucky to have me.”
You have to treat yourself with self-respect… because treating yourself with self-respect is the only way for others to respect you as well.
So right now, it’s up to you to decide: is a guy who doesn’t text you for a week after you have sex worth your time? Or should you spend your time with someone who treats you the way you want to be treated?
Whatever you decide, know that your mindset is either your greatest ally or your worst enemy in your love life – and it’s up to you to decide which.
I hope this article made you feel better and helped you understand why guys withdraw after sex. So many women come to me with this question! And it’s for a good reason: 100% of the time a guy is going to “ghost” a woman and disappear on her, he starts pulling away first. If you’re afraid it’s happening to you, you need to read this article it could very well change your life: If He’s Pulling Away, Do This…
Want to find out if he’s really losing interest? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Losing Interest” Quiz right now and find out if he’s really losing interest in you…