When you’re looking for information about how to get your ex back – it’s practically a guarantee that you see the no-contact rule over and over.
Even though the rule itself is simple: just don’t have any contact with your ex for a certain period of time (which varies from 3 to 6 weeks), that doesn’t mean that it’s easy to pull off.
Confused about the details? Here’s everything you need to know.
The Nuts And Bolts Of The No Contact Rule
The no contact rule, at its heart, means no communication between you and your ex.
And it’s deadly serious – no communication means no communication. Here’s a handy list:
- 1. No phone calls
- 2. No “accidentally” seeing him
- 3. No instant messages – so no gchat and definitely no facebook messages
- 4. No text messaging of any kind
- 5. No asking a mutual friend to give him a message
- 6. No “targeted” status updates or social media posts directed at him
Think about it this way, if you get a funny feeling in your stomach about something you’re about to do – chances are it breaks the no-contact rule.
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Why It’s So Important To Follow
The reason to follow the no contact rule is to give your brain and your heart time to de-tox from the relationship and get a quick breather. You’re allowing yourself to experience what it’s like to live life without him – and letting yourself gain a little bit of distance and perspective on the relationship.
If there were a better way to gain perspective on the relationship and start to heal (so that you can have a much easier time getting your ex back later on) – this article would be telling you that way.
As it stands, the no contact rule is the best way to heal and make yourself stronger after a breakup. There’s no wiggle room – either you’re following it or you’re not – which makes it the best possible option.
The reason why this perspective and healing is so important is that if you want your ex back, you can’t just pursue him right after the relationship ends – it makes you appear needy and desperate.
But when you follow the no contact rule, you become stronger, healthier, and have a better perspective – so that when you do start talking to your ex again you won’t come off as needy.
Instead, you’ll appear confident, relaxed, and fully in control of yourself and of the situation – which is key to making him want you back.
The No Contact Steps To Success
So describing the no contact rule is easy – just don’t contact him in any way.
But what should you be doing during the no contact rule?
The common theme here is going to be: do the things that will make you feel happier, healthier, and stronger.
So even though you might want to watch sad movies and eat ice cream, at the end of the day you’re not going to feel better for doing that.
Think about it this way: the no contact rule is a chance for you to getstronger while he gets weaker.
While you’re becoming happier, healthier, more attractive, and more in control of your life – he will be thinking about you more, missing you more, and realizing he might want you back in his life.
However, if you want that to happen, you have to follow the steps:
Step 1: Get Active
Study after study after study proves it – the more active you are, the better you feel.
And in this case, the benefits to getting active really stack on top of each other.
First of all, you’ll feel better which will help you minimize the pain of the breakup and retake control of your life more quickly.
Second of all, it will naturally get you into better shape, which will make you feel better about yourself and be happier all at the same time.
Plus, when it comes time to get your ex back, looking better is going to be an irresistible component that will make him want you back even more.
There are so many different ways to get active. You could pick up running, or join a co-ed or just for fun sports league in a sport you like to play, like soccer, basketball, softball, you name it. Anything that’s fun.
You could do yoga (in a class or on your own), start a gym routine – you could even join a workout group like crossfit. All of these are great options to get off the couch, get active, and get stronger (while your ex gets weaker).
Step 2: Get Social
Obviously, after a breakup, all you want to do is stay inside and shut out the outside world.
Unfortunately, your instincts here are bad for you in the long run.
When you wallow in misery, all it does is make you feel even worse, less over him, and more desperate. And that’s going to work against you when you’re trying to get him back.
So the second step to success is going out and living your social life.
Of course – you don’t have to go out literally the night after he dumps you. Don’t push yourself too hard right at the beginning, take a few days to grieve if you’d like.
But after that, make sure to spend time with your friends outside the house. Have a good time! The best thing you can do for your mental health (and your attractiveness to your ex) is to feel good about yourself and what you’re doing, and one of the best ways to do that is to go out with your friends.
Also, if you’re feeling up to an advanced tactic, try going on a date or two. Obviously, not everyone is going to feel up to it – but if you give it a chance you’ll see how much it accelerates the process of recovering from your breakup.
You don’t have to start dating a guy seriously right away, but a harmless date or two will seriously help your mental state and give you a much more attractive attitude in the long run.
Step 3: Take Care Of Yourself
Breakups take their toll on you, both emotionally and physically. Sleepless nights lying awake in bed, tears that never seem to end – everything that happens takes a toll on your body and your emotions.
So that’s why it’s important to give yourself some time to rest, relax, and recuperate after a breakup.
Pick things that are relaxing to you, that you can totally unwind and feel comfortable during – like yoga, or getting a massage, taking a bath, even treating yourself to a spa day.
Frequently Asked No Contact Questions
What Happens If I Break No Contact?
If you make a mistake and wind up contacting your ex – there’s nothing to be done but starting the no contact period over again.
Only time will let the pain of the breakup fade and let him start missing you again. If you contact him – you restart the no contact clock.
Plus, it’s about realizing that you can live your life without him in it. If you can live without him for 4 weeks, you’ve proved it to yourself. Contacting him in the middle upsets all the hard work you’ve done and starts you back at square one.
What If He Contacts Me? That’s Not My Fault, Right?
If he contacts you, whether by calling you, texting you, or some other means, it doesn’t mean you’ve broken the no contact rule. However, if he reaches out to you, do not respond. If you respond, or text him back, it’s the same as breaking no contact on your own.
Obviously, if it’s an emergency, you can talk to him – but only on the topic of the emergency. Nothing about your relationship, or your lives, or anything outside the scope of the immediate emergency that he contacted you about.
How Long Should No Contact Last?
There’s no hard and fast rule – it depends on the intensity and the duration of the relationship.
I like to use this rule: for every month of the relationship, you should be doing a week of no contact – up to a maximum of 8 weeks and with a minimum of 3 weeks.
That means if you were dating for 4 months, your no contact period would last 4 weeks. If you were only dating a month, your no contact period would still be for 3 weeks.
What If He’s The Father Of My Child?
If you two have a child (or children), there’s no way to avoid seeing him and contacting him.
However, the principles of the no contact rule still remain. When you see him, the conversation should only focus on your child together – every other topic is off limits.
The attitude to go for is that he’s a not very close friend that you want to be pleasant towards. Bitterness and anger are huge mistakes that will set you back with him, so will flirting and especially begging or pleading.
Remember – the only thing you two should talk about is your child. Talking about how you feel or what’s happening in your life will set you back weeks.
Big No Contact Mistakes To Avoid
There are two huge mistakes to avoid during the no contact period that can set you back and even undo all the progress you’ve made.
Big No Contact Mistake #1: Using Drugs Or Alcohol To Escape
Breakups suck. There’s no other way around it.
But if you use alcohol, drugs, or other substances as a way of masking the pain and hiding from it, all you’re doing is pushing the pain down deeper inside you.
Treat the no contact period like a detoxification of your body after the breakup. You’ve got a lot of unpleasant emotions to get through, and by giving yourself time away from him, you give your body time to process the pain of the breakup naturally.
But if you add toxins to your body like alcohol and drugs, you’re not processing and releasing the toxic pain of the breakup – you’re pushing it even deeper down inside yourself.
And when you do that, you’re not really getting over him. In fact, you’re sliding backwards into an even worse state where it’s even less likely that you can get him back (and nearly impossible for you to keep him).
Having a drink or two in moderation is fine – but drinking to excess in order to cover up the pain of the breakup is a huge mistake.
Big No Contact Mistake #2: Thinking About Your Ex Constantly
During the no contact period, you’re allowing the toxicity of the breakup time to naturally work its way out of your body.
That means that you’ll be physically and emotionally processing the pain of the breakup, and of course you’ll be thinking about your ex a lot during that time. Like wondering if he still loves you, or whether he’s seeing someone else, or even if he still thinks about you.
However, past a certain point, thinking about your ex actually hurts you more than it helps you. If you’re spending your time obsessing over him and what he’s doing, or worse, cyber-stalking him and checking up on him, you’re actually undoing the progress you’re making during no contact.
The point of the no contact rule isn’t to make your ex miss you – that’s just a natural byproduct of the rule.
The point of the no contact rule is to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex – and give yourself the time and space you need to process the breakup and move on with your life.
Obsessing over him and wallowing in pain and grief about him doesn’t serve any purpose – it only pushes you backwards away from your goal of being able to live your life without him.
Plus, obsession and neediness are huge turn offs – and if your ex can sense that from you after the no contact period, it will undo all your hard work.
Only you know when natural grieving goes on for too long and turns into obsession and wallowing in pain. At the beginning, try giving yourself an hour each day to think about him, and outside of that hour, try to live your life without thinking of the breakup.
And if you can’t resist the temptation of checking up on him through Facebook or other social media, it’s time to de-activate for a while and remove the possibility. Otherwise, you won’t be able to make any progress.
The Real Reason No Contact Works
The no contact rule is so commonly seen in breakup advice for a simple reason: it flat out works. And it works for a couple of reasons:
1. Processing The Breakup
When you cut off contact with him, you give yourself time and space to process the breakup and move on.
And when you prove to yourself that you can live your life without him, you instantly become way more attractive to him.
Think about it this way – when you first got together, you weren’t begging him to be with you, and feeling like you were unable to live your life without him.
No – you were living your life the way you wanted to, and he was a nice addition to your life that made your life better.
That’s what attracted him to you in the first place – that you didn’t need him to be happy, and that your life was fine without him in it.
The no contact rule gets you back to that place, where your life is fine without him in it, and you don’t need him to be happy. That is what will make him become re-attracted to you after the no contact period is over.
2. It Gives Him Time To Miss You
There are tons of negative feelings after a breakup, for both parties. Most of the time, in the days following a breakup, all that he can think about are the negatives from your relationship.
The no contact rule is designed to give him the time and space to get past all the negatives from your relationship and remember what he misses about it. To remember all the positives, all the things that he misses about you.
If you contact him, you undo all that processing and time spent forgetting the negatives and remembering the positives – especially if your contact with him is bitter, angry, or negative. All that does is remind him why you two broke up – and start the clock over.
However, when you give him space, he’ll notice the hole you left in his life when you two broke up – and he’ll naturally want to get you back to fill that hole. He’ll start to miss all the little things that were good about your relationship, and not having any contact with you will only make him miss them more.
That’s the essence of the no contact rule, and the reason why it works so well. If you take it seriously and follow the rules, you put yourself in the best possible position to get your ex back and keep him.
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