You’re here because you want to know: does the no contact rule really work?
You might think the answer to that question depends on what you’re trying to do.
For instance, you could be asking, “does the no contact rule work to get my ex back?”
Or, you could be asking, “does the no contact rule work to help me get over him?”
more: The No Contact Rule – Everything You Need To Know
Here’s the truth: the answer to both the questions above is yes.
If you want to get your ex back, following the no contact rule gives you the best chance of doing it.
And if you want to get over your ex, the absolute best way to do that is to follow the no contact rule.
Take The Quiz: Can You Get Your Ex Back Or Is He Gone Forever?
Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Can You Get Your Ex Back” Quiz right now and find out if you can get your ex back or if he’s gone for good…
What To Do After A Breakup
I know how awful breakups are.
I understand how badly it can hurt not to have the man you want in your life.
more: How To Get Your Ex Back In 5 Steps Guaranteed
To feel like the future you saw with him has been torn away and left with a giant hole in its place.
To worry that you’ll never get him back, and not know what you’re going to do next.
After a bad breakup, it can seem like the only thing you want more than anything else in the world is to have him back in your life… and so it’s natural to think you should grab onto any chance you have to be with him or talk to him.
However, if you really do want him back (or you just want to get over him), the best thing to do is actually to follow the no contact rule.
The reasons and underlying dynamics in your relationship that caused the breakup are still there. If you’re unable to get clear-sighted perspective on your relationship and the real reasons why you broke up, then you can’t fix them.
And if you can’t fix the problems that sank your relationship in the first place, it’s going to be impossible to get back together with him and make it last.
You can’t grow from the breakup and gain perspective if he’s still in your life or you’re still talking to him.
All seeing him and talking to him right after a breakup does is set you back and put you further away from getting back together.
more: The Details On The No Contact Rule
What Is The No Contact Rule?
In a nutshell, the no contact rule is exactly what it sounds like.
You make a decision not to talk to your ex or have any contact with him for a set period of time.
I like to use 4 weeks as the minimum length for a no contact period. That’s enough time for all the positives of going no contact to take hold in your life.
During the no contact period, you should be having absolutely no contact with your ex boyfriend.
more: How To Make Your Ex Miss You After A Breakup
- No texting him
- No messaging him on Facebook or other instant messaging
- No emailing him
- No calling him
- No “bumping into him by accident”
- No letters
- No responding to his texts or calls other than to say you’d rather not have contact with him right now
You can read my in depth article on the no contact rule for more information and frequently asked questions.
Now that you know what it is, it’s time to explain why it works.
Top Reasons Why The No Contact Rule Works
1. It Gives You Perspective
If you’re seeing your ex all the time and have an open conversation with him, you’re not going to be able to get over him.
more: How Do I Reconnect With Him After Cutting Off Contact
What’s worse, you’re not going to be able to get any perspective on what went wrong in the relationship or what to fix if you want to get back together.
In order to be able to see the breakup clearly and understand why things happened the way they did, you need a period of no contact with him so that you can clear your head.
2. It Lets You See Where Things Went Wrong
The reasons for the breakup might not be the absolute obvious reasons at the source.
For instance, if you had a huge fight that led to your breakup, it probably wasn’t the fight itself that caused you to break up.
There were probably underlying issues in your relationship that built and built until it exploded into the fight that actually ended things.
more: Reasons Your Ex Might Be Staying In Contact
The no contact rule gives you the space to see where things really went wrong, so you can know what to avoid in the future.
3. It Helps You Recover From A Broken Heart
Your heart isn’t going to be able to heal if you’re seeing and talking to your ex all the time.
It needs time and space apart from him in order to start healing its wounds and helping you feel better.
Plus, if you see him all the time right after breaking up, all you’re going to be able to think about is how badly it hurts and how badly you want him back.
If that’s at the forefront of your mind, it’s going to make it much harder to actually get him back, because that heartbreak and longing is going to come through in everything you do and say around him and make him feel like you’re desperately chasing after him.
more: The More Distant I Act, The More Interested He Becomes
4. It Helps You See Other Opportunities In Your Life
If you’re still hung up on him, then no other guy in your life is going to be interesting whatsoever, because all you want is your ex.
That’s why the no contact rule is so important. By giving yourself time and space to grieve your relationship, you give your heart a chance to recover and move on.
And with a fresh pair of eyes, you might see other people in your life in a new light that might be better for you in the long run.
5. It Gives You A Chance To Give Your Dating Life Some Fresh Air
This goes hand in hand with the point above.
If you really want your ex boyfriend back, chasing after him begging to be with him isn’t the way to do it.
more: Does The No Contact Rule Really Work?
All that’s going to do is make you seem desperate and push him further away.
If you really want him back, you need to have other options and choices in your dating life, so that you can make a real decision about whether it’s worth it to get back together with him.
Also, by opening up your dating life, it makes him realize that if he doesn’t step up soon he could lose you, which will make him more likely to try to get you back.
6. It Cuts Down The Chance Of A Setback With Him
You might think that responding to a booty call from him and having a fling for a night would give you a better chance of getting back together with him.
After all, spending more time with him should be good, right?
more: When The No Contact Rule Works And When It Doesn’t
If you let yourself fall into the “on again, off again” pattern with him, it makes it much less likely that a real, long term relationship could ever grow again between you.
That’s because he’ll know that you can still sleep together without having to be in a relationship with each other – and it will make him less likely to want to get back into a relationship with you.
7. It Helps You Get Your Head Straight
One of the worst things about a breakup is that it puts you in a messed up state of mind, where you’re in tons and tons of pain and all you want is to get him back.
Breakups mess up your head… and that makes you prone to making the biggest mistakes that will actually push him further away, like we talked about before.
more: The New And Improved No Contact Rule
So if you let the breakup mess with your head and immediately try to get him back, all you’re doing is skyrocketing the chance that you’ll make some huge mistakes and push him away forever.
You’re much better off taking some time to get your head right and feel better internally before you try to get him back.
And the best way to do that is through the no contact rule.
Want to find out if you can get your ex back? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Can You Get Your Ex Back” Quiz right now and find out if you can ever get him back or if he’s gone for good…
Take The Quiz: Can You Get Your Ex Back Or Is He Gone Forever?
These Are The Reasons The No Contact Rule Works
- It gives you perspective.
- It lets you see where things went wrong.
- It helps you recover from a broken heart.
- It helps you see other opportunities in your life.
- It gives you a chance to give your dating life some fresh air.
- It cuts down the chance of a setback with him.
- It helps you get your head straight.
I recently just got broken up with. He says that he feels like he tried to get into a relationship too fast after being with his previous girlfriend for four years. They have only been broken up for 6 months. We were only together for 2 months. I told him this wasn’t long enough of a time to get to know each other and see what we could be. But he seemed adamant that now isn’t the right time and he can only let me in at surface level. Im not sure what to do now, I feel kind of heart broken, because though it wasn’t a lot of time with him, our time together was amazing. I will give the four weeks a try but im worried I am going to be miserable and he still won’t come back. Not sure what to do from here…
Hi, I have a question about applying the no contact rule to a music platform. I’ve recently cut off contact after the person I was involved with took several measures to put distance between us. They are getting divorced and going through a major crisis. I think it’s a healthy thing that we cut off contact, but I was hurt by a lack of communication and a pretty brutal disappearance act.
We used to share playlists and send each other music to communicate, even whilst we were having good times. I’ve stopped and since then I have seen activity on their account with what seems a mourning process. Lots of our love songs and lots of new songs looking for hope.
I don’t like going to check. But it’s the withdrawal that keeps me from deleting our shared playlists and stopping to look at their public music (their account has only started to become active when I stopped communicating).
What do you suggest? Trying hard not to go check? Canceling my account? I would lose all my other playlists which I love. Accepting my need to check but deleting shared playlists?
I want to heal. Perhaps we will be together when life has normalized for them. But for at least the next three to six months, we probably shouldn’t try to get back together. And I want to get to a point where I know deep within myself what the right decision is.
How hard is no contact? My ex and I had a good relationship but there were arguments and such. I broke up with him in October because I was new to college and had not completely healed from how he hurt me during the previous break up. Everything was fine until maybe November and for reallt bad in December and January. He’s saying he needs time to think and figure himself out. Anytime I suggest us not talking anymore and agree to let go and move on he gets upset and when I tell him there are ways to fix it he says otherwise and he asks am I done with him. He says he’s tryinf to self improve to get his future together. His 20th bday is coming up in a few weeks and our two anniversary was supposed to be a week after that. I tried no contact and lasted two days. It’s hurt too much knowing he could move on if i didn’t text him and more than likely he probably won’t reaxh out first. I’m not sure if no contact will work with us and if he doesn’t reach out first what should I do and how long does it take for it to work?
My ex left me 5 months ago and is in a new relationship which happened while he was with me. I’ve made big mistakes by pleading begging telling him to leave his new partner. I think I’ve pushed him right towards her, but we still text each other every day and he says he still has feelings for me but he wants me to change and he might give me a chance. Is it too late to apply the no contact rule. We’ve been together for over 10 years and have 3 young boys together.
right. it will help you get your head straight.
It’s been 2 months since no contact and I haven’t heard from him. I don’t know if I want him back because I don’t want to feel the way I felt being with him but I miss him and I’m devastated he is gone.
i don’t know if i’ll be able to see the good side of this thing. i’m just not over him and i don’t want to. =(
yup, you’re right…you’ll have the time to recover from your heartbreak.
yup, you’re right..i
i never looked at it this way. i think this is really helpful for couples dealing with relationship issues
i’m gonna have to think really hard and maybe give this a try. my relationship has been stressful nowadays and nothing gets resolved. everything just turns into a crazy cycle. =(
use this time very wisely especially for you to mend your broken heart and put things in perspective.
wow, i never thought about it this way. i didn’t think of these things at all. thanks for sharing!
this is good for you because you’ll have more time for yourself
i tried this and i was able to really think thing through and realized what went wrong. now i’m just waiting for the time he would want to sit down and talk about our relationship.
this will definitely give you perspective and you’ll be able to really think about the relationship on what went wrong, etc.
wow, awesome tip right here! i hope more & more women read your posts.
i tried this and it actually helped me more than my ex boyfriend. i realized so many things and i enjoyed being myself.
i agree, this gives you more positive outcomes than bad.
thank you for explaining this further, i loved it and i definitely learned a lot from this post.
thanks for this reminder.i totally uderstand it now.
this actually makes sense.
make sure you control yourself from contacting him. you’ll know the importance of this later on.
make use of the time for self-improvement. but don’r do it for him but for yourself.
this time will help you reevaluate your relationship and this will also re-establish your self-worth and confidence.
this just made a lot of sense to me. thanks for sharing this.
it’s always great to take time and rethink things before even trying to make things work between the 2 of you.
my boyfriend and i agreed to do this and it was effective, i couldn’t believe it. it made us realize we’re better together.
this will only work out if you’re both mature and open for change
i can only hope that in the end he’ll come back to me
this will help you think better
you have great insights and i believe this will work for a couple undergoing such situation.
i tried this, very tough but it really works.