So is commitment phobia a real condition or is it made up? Lots of women out there are under the impression that if a man is refusing to commit, it means he has severe underlying issues that block his heart from letting love in.
Sometimes you are in a relationship with a guy who seems like an amazing boyfriend, the kind of man who you could see yourself with for the rest of your life. So what happens if you’re in a relationship with that guy, but he seems to be a “commitment phobe”?
Maybe he takes you out on amazing dates and shows you a really great time. Maybe he’s talked to you about your family, friends and things you love about life. You feel like he listens to you and just “gets” you.
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Plus, he’s chasing you so he must be trying to win you over… right? That is, until you suggest things like meeting your parents or you talk about your future together or even what you want from the relationship.
That’s when he pulls away, emotionally withdraws and starts flaking. He basically vanishes and leaves you wondering, “Why? Where did things go wrong? What did I do to deserve this?”
He comes up with excuses for why he either doesn’t want to talk about it, or he just gives you excuses for why he doesn’t want *that* kind of relationship with you. “Why can’t we enjoy our relationship like it is now? Why do we have to change anything?”
More: Man Decoder: The Truth About Why He Won’t Commit
Yup, you’re in a relationship with a ‘commitment phobe’ and you’re left terrified and wondering if you will ever have a stable relationship with the man you love.
I Want To Answer Two Questions That You Probably Have Right Now:
“How can I tell if he’s afraid of commitment?”
“How can I make him commit to me?”
Now, I’m going to say something that might come off as shocking. The truth is there is no such thing as a “commitment phobe” – everyone is afraid of commitment at a certain level.
This is true of everyone regardless of gender, relationship history, and relationship desires.
Men Are Afraid Of Commitment Because…
They’re afraid they won’t be able to get laid as easily once they’re in a committed relationship. It sounds bad, but it’s true.
He’s afraid of connecting intimately with you.
He’s worried it won’t work out in the long-run.
He feels pressured by the idea of commitment.
Whereas A Lot Of Women Are Afraid Of Commitment Because…
Previous relationships that ended badly.
The feeling of relying and/or depending on a guy.
Putting yourself “out there” and being rejected.
Getting into the relationship… and then going through a nasty breakup.
The major thing both men and women share when it comes to fear of commitment is they are genuinely scared of committing themselves to a relationship.
But… here’s the catch. There is a huge difference between a commitment phobe, and someone who just doesn’t want to commit.
How can you know if he’s really terrified of committing?
Let me delve a little deeper into the reasons I listed earlier on why men are afraid of commitment so you can better understand if your man is a “commitment phobe”.
Why He’s Afraid Of Commitment:
1. He had a previous relationship end badly.
For example, I once had a client who was struggling to get her man to commit. Everything seemed right to her. He showered her with affection, he was close to her family and friends, and he truly and deeply cared for her. It’s safe to say he was fully invested in their relationship. Except every time she brought up their future or the possibility of marriage, he would clam up.
Related: Men and Relationships: 5 Signs He’ll Never Commit
When she came to me with her story, it was so odd to me. It was my first case of “commitment phobia”. As I dug deeper into her problem, I learned he had just had a terrible divorce before he met her, and he was afraid of committing to her because he didn’t want to risk their relationship ending the same way his last marriage did.
2. He Is Afraid Of Intimate Connection
Some men are afraid of getting close to a woman intimately. What do I mean? Simple. He is afraid of revealing his inner-most, vulnerable, hidden self to you and getting hurt after exposing this kind of vulnerability.
Trying to force him to make that intimate connection with you will only force him to emotionally withdraw from you and become distant.
If you relax and enjoy the relationship, he’ll realize that it’s safe to intimately connect and love you for letting him be himself around you.
3. He’s Worried The Relationship Won’t Last
If you’ve shown him that you’re going to push for a commitment as a goal, he may worry what the rest of the relationship will be like. Men don’t like to look at specific points of the relationship as a goal, but consider the relationship itself to be a success. If they can enjoy a relationship as it is, they will stick around.
4. He Feels Pressured By Commitment
It’s commonly known that people “break” under pressure. When a guy feels pressured into a commitment, it’s the same way. A guy won’t be able to function happily in a relationship where he feels pressured into making commitments.
If you take time to enjoy the relationship and show him how much it’s worth to stay in, he will want to be with you forever.
He will do whatever it takes to make you happy and keep you in his life, because you make him happy and he loves you.
Want to find out for sure if you really trust him? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Do You Trust Him” Quiz right now and find out if you really trust him…
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The Biggest Reasons He’s Afraid Of Commitment
- He had a previous relationship end badly
- He’s afraid of intimate connection
- He’s worried the relationship won’t last
- He feels pressured by commitment
What if you find out too late that you are dating a commitment phobe?
If a guy is worried more about about getting laid than he is about being committed, there are other issues there, don’t you think?
If you are thinking like the guy won’t commit, just play hard to get for a while and see how he feels about that. when he complains, you can throw the commitment game into his face.
I hope that when it comes to for me to commit my life to someone, I am not a phobe about it. What do I do in that case? I don’t want to freak out, but I think I would do just that.
I am going to have to look into this. I wasn’t sure my boyfriend was afraid, but it is starting to look that way :(
There are many times that I wonder if my first marriage did not work out because of a thing like this. That was many years ago, however.
It is very possible. You have to be willing to give up your life for the person, right?
Commitment can scare the toughest man. I have not been able to find out how or why, but I see them squirm when it gets brought up.
I hate dating a commitment phobe, but I have one and I love him. That is the worst part. I guess I will wait longer than most.
Some of my friends think that I am pushing my b/f to commit, but I really do not want to lose him. Is that a bad thing?
is it possible that a guy just does not want to commit? he just wants to stay out there and date his entire life?
I do not see why not. I have known women that are the same way.
There has to be more to it than just “I do not want to commit”. This is something that comes from a conversation.
I just assumed it was from a past relationship and there is nothing that one girl is going to do about it. It might be something worth seeing a therapist to overcome.
If you are looking for commitment right away, you should be able to decide whether or not the man you chose, or chose you, is going to help you out with that.
Commitment phobes are a pain in the ass, don’t you think? Just a waste of time.
If your guy feels pressure about commitment, then you just need to talk with him a little bit and make him feel more comfortable about it.
For me, having a little chat with him really cleared the air. We have been broken up for 5 years now.
Why is everyone so worried about commitment?
In my experience, it seems that most guys have an issue with it because they had a bad relationship in the past. That is hard to overcome, I understand that, but love is about trust right?
I think that all men can be broke of the fear to commit. It just takes a little pressure and love :)
Pressure. That will do it!
You know what, I have been down this path before and when I thought things were worth committing for, my other half did not see it that way. I could have used these tips then!
What if the guy you were dating grew up in an alcoholic abusive household, where he would get hit by his dad, and try to protect his mom. His mom died 4 years ago of liver disease, he also is à bit of drinker and only really opens up when drinking…. He says he cant commit because of his past, he wishes he could change who and how is and that he wants à relationship with me….he has withdrawn and i havent heard from him in 2 weeks. He wont answer my texts or calls, i have since stopped and given him space but im hurt. Things were going goodand we were getting close. I see he still Goes online the dating site, but à theripst days its only because he needs to fill the void and get validation which he lacks from getting it from himself. He seems to always be around people or getting attention….im just left upset and hurt…he told me he has à pattern of doing this to laides because he cant get close, but didnt want it to happen with me…i still have no clue what is going on because he wont talk to me….
Well this is a crappy situation to be in. I think it might be time to take him to see a counselor and go from there. Good luck!
I would be able to see the signs from a mile away. I have been down this road before and choose not to let it get very far. I have been burned many times and from now on I am not going to let that happen.
That is what I thought. These signs could hit me right in the head and I wouldn’t know what happened. That is when I realized that I just passed up on a girl that could have been the one.
Committing to anything can be a challenge for some people. I once dated a guy that couldn’t even commit to watching a single television show, LOL.
Yeah, you need to know where this person is coming from before you assume they are fearful of commitment.
I have a boyfriend that is afraid to say “i love you”, is that the same thing? I mean he doesn’t have to commit to my through marriage, yet, but I would like to know if he feels the same way that I do.
There are many people out there that will not commit because they think it will be more work. I have always had commitment as a goal entering a relationship. Woman deserve that, at least, don’t you think?
I felt that as soon as I was in a committed relationship, the sex was more frequent :) I guess that was a fluke as some guys experience the opposite.
The “fear of depending on a guy” is a reason woman do not commit? I thought that was the job of the man, be dependable?
I always wondered something. Do you think that all men start out as commitment phobes?
Not at all. There is a small group of men that wuss out when it comes to making this call, but that does not mean all men are that way at all.
I have heard about woman that do not want to be close to men, but a man that does not want to be close to a woman? Does that make no sense to anyone else?
I think it does make sense. There is a misconception that all men want to do is get all over woman. There is a group of the man population that have a problem with this. Whether or not they are afraid of commitment is another story.
Commitment phobes can be on both sides, but when you are talking about men, there are many reasons. You just need to ask him if you start to notice the signs. Good luck!
I think I might be in this situation right now. We have been together for about 1 year and there has been little talk from him about commitment, could he be afraid of it?
Not all men are afraid of commitment, some of them are just afraid to be tied to one person forever :) Just kidding. I think that if you find a man that will not commit to you, ask him why, right? What’s the worst that can happen…
Asking him is a great way to get a response at least. You just never know where it will go.
I always take into consideration the amount of time that we have been together. I can understand if the guy you are dating does not want to commit within 3 months, but after 6 months, it might be time to figure things out about him.
If he is worried the relationship will not last. My thoughts are that he is not afraid of commitment, however, he could just be worried based on past relationships. Talk to him!
I agree. Depending on how long you have been together, how can he be so sure that it will not last?
Commitment is tough for some men, but I think if you ask them outright, you can learn a lot about the reasons they might have. They could also just be lazy and refuse to make the jump.
I personally think that all of the reasons that you have posted are good reasons to be afraid to commit, whether you are male or female.
I agree Josh.