No matter whether you’re the one doing the dumping or you’ve been dumped, the end of a relationship is painful and challenging (especially if you’re trying to figure out how he’s dealing with the breakup). Even if you were the one who ended it, even if you know you’re better off without that person, actually ending the relationship can cause all sorts of awful feelings and emotions that seem like they just won’t go away.
And if your partner decided to end things with you? Things can feel 100 times worse. Sometimes, things can feel so bad that you don’t even know what to do or how to keep going. Sometimes, you feel like you should just give up. You don’t know what to do with yourself to ease the pain. There’s something that jut breaks inside you and you can’t muster up the energy to trudge on through life, trying to be okay when inside you’re falling apart.
And sometimes, all you want to do is get through those awful emotions as quickly as possible, so you can move on and stop feeling so terrible (1).
The bad news is – it’s going to take time to work through all your feelings and start feeling better again. The good news is – all you have to do is follow the steps in this article and you can begin the healing process today.
Take The Quiz: Is He Selfish?
Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Selfish” Quiz right now and find out if he’s really selfish…
Ready? Let’s get you over that breakup.
1. Begin By Working Through Your Feelings
At the beginning, right when you’ve broken up, you’re going to spend a lot of time thinking about the relationship – where things went wrong, why things turned out that way, what you could have done differently, and more (2).
One super important thing to remember is to carefully go over and think about all the reasons you two broke up. When you think about why the relationship ended, it helps you to stop thinking about all the things you miss about the relationship – because you remember that something was wrong and wasn’t getting better.
Plus, when you truly realize why the relationship ended, and it was because of a mistake you made, you can avoid that mistake in the future (3).
Some important questions to think about: Ask yourself if you did something that hastened or brought about the end of the relationship… and would you do anything differently?
Also, ask yourself whether you’re choosing to date guys who are actually good for you or not. Do you always choose the same sort of guy? Are you happy with how those relationships go?
More: 20 Signals That You Should Move On And It’s Time To Let Go
Finally, take a look at this relationship in the context of your other relationships. Do the same patterns happen again and again? Has anything similar happened in another relationship you’ve been in? If so, what can you do differently in the future?
One good way to start getting over a breakup is to figure out how you feel about it in the first place. Try writing down your feelings about your breakup in order to sort them out. It doesn’t matter if it’s a journal, in poems, or just on scraps of paper – the most important thing is being honest.
You might be surprised at how quickly a realization can come to you just from writing it down rather than thinking about it. You won’t go round and round in the same thoughts in your head – instead you’ll be able to get real insight.
One great way to do this is to write down how you feel each day after the breakup until you start feeling better. Try chronicling how many days it’s been since you broke up and how you’re feeling right at that moment, then explore your feelings a little more deeply.
Another way to get a lot more solid on your feelings is to write a letter to your ex – but don’t send it. Writing down your feelings is a great way to express them, but you absolutely don’t want to open up contact with that person again. The letter is just for you.
Definitely allow yourself to be angry. If you’re feeling angry and frustrated over the end of the relationship – that’s ok ! Those are totally normal emotions to be feeling.
Once you allow yourself to be angry and work through it, realize that it doesn’t serve you any purpose. You shouldn’t be contacting your ex again, so why are you making yourself angry all over again? The best way to deal with anger like this is to allow yourself to relax and let it go.
Make sure that whatever you do, you stick to your decision – or allow your ex to stick to his. If you broke up with him, it’s important to guard yourself against changing your mind. You made your decision for a reason – so don’t let memories of the good times change that decision and lead you to try to get back together with him.
On the other hand, if your ex broke up with you, recognize that he must have his own good reasons to do it, and there’s no use trying to change his mind after his decision is already made up. If you spend all your time thinking about the good parts of the relationship, you’re going to naturally second guess any decision that was made, so make sure to remember why the relationship wasn’t so good as well.
In that vein, remember to think about why your ex wasn’t the best person in the world. Every relationship has problems, as I’m sure yours did as well. Try to focus on the things you didn’t like, or even hated about your ex. This will help you get over the breakup more quickly, because you’ll remember all the reasons you weren’t so enthusiastic about him in the first place.
Finally, try making a list of reasons why you’re in a better place and happier without your ex in the picture. Every breakup has positives (yes, every one), and if you can make a list of all the reasons why you’re better off without that relationship, it will go a long way towards helping you get over him.
See Also: Picking Up The Pieces After A Toxic Relationship
This could be something as simple as now you have more free time to hang out with friends. You could be happy because being around him made it easier for you to eat unhealthy, so now you can get in better shape. There are a million ways to look on the bright side, and once you start, you’ll start moving past your relationship in no time.
2. Work Through Your Emotions (Especially Painful Ones)
The first thing to do is to recognize that whatever pain you’re feeling about your breakup – it’s totally normal. Everyone responds to a breakup and emotional pain differently, and whatever emotions are running through your head, they’re totally normal ones to experience.
Remember, this isn’t the last relationship of your life, there will be someone who will come into your life again, you will and can fall in love again and everything you’re going through is normal… and will pass eventually.
One thing that lots of people find useful after a breakup is to take a short break from whatever they’re “normally” doing to help cope with the breakup. If you want to sit on the couch for a few days and eat ice cream – that’s totally fine!
What you’re looking to do is schedule some time to relax and process your emotions at your own pace, rather than trying to soldier through your typical day pretending everything is “fine”. Skip the things you can skip (like maybe the gym or going out to the bar) and keep up with the things you can’t (like work and school).
When you’re taking your break from your routine, what you want to do is give yourself a chance to mourn the end of the relationship. Grief is grief, the only way to get through it is to “put in the hours” as they say.
That means taking the time to mourn your relationship so that you don’t have to keep thinking about it for weeks or months afterwards. Experience all the pain and loss of the end of your relationship – and do it in a safe space.
One good tactic is to set a daily limit on the time you spend mourning the end of your relationship, and then after that do something fun, or something just for you. That way you don’t get stuck feeling horrible all day.
This is the time you want to rely on your friends. You want to have supportive people surrounding you in your life while you’re feeling the loss of your relationship – and that means friends and family.
These people are there to make you feel better, to remind you that you’re worthwhile, and to be with you when you’re feeling your lowest. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it, you’ll be surprised at which of your friends comes through big.
A good thing to do is to find an outlet for the emotional loss and pain that you’re going through. This is a great way to channel some of that negative energy and help yourself feel better.
Avoid drugs, food, and alcohol as a solution – because they’re not going to help long term. Instead, try taking up a hobby that you can keep doing, even after you’re already over your breakup. It’s a great way to both take your mind off things, build up your self-esteem, and meet new people – all at the same time.
If you really just can’t deal with the pain of the breakup and you feel like nothing is helping, you should find a therapist to talk to about it. Some relationships leave deep scars that take a long time to heal, and if you find yourself struggling to deal with them on your own, a therapist can be a huge help.
ok – so you’re working through your emotions and taking some time for yourself and you’ve picked up a hobby to take your mind off things and help you meet new people. Great! You’re doing a great job moving past your relationship.
Let’s make sure it stays that way.
The first step in truly moving on from a relationship is staying away from your ex. You absolutely must stop talking to, contacting, texting, “running into”, or even looking at your ex on social media. Even if you decided to ‘stay friends’, trust me, you’re much better off cutting your ex out of your life.
This is because you’re at your most vulnerable right after a breakup – and so is your ex. You both might be vulnerable enough to make a decision you’ll regret later… so the only way to move on and get past him is to absolutely stop seeing him.
He might reach out to try to see you again. If he does, and you find yourself tempted, ask yourself what the point of seeing him again would be. If it’s to relive what life was like in the relationship, you’d be putting yourself in a lot of danger by going to see him. Avoid him instead and you’ll feel a lot better.
Time to do some redecorating. Chances are, if this was a serious boyfriend, you’ve probably got stuff that reminds you of him all over the place where you live.
It’s time to do some housecleaning. You want to box up all the stuff that strongly reminds you of him – at least for the moment. Be smart about this – the stuffed animal he bought for you has to go in the box, but the TV you both watched Netflix on is OK to stay where it is.
Clean up your space after you’re done, and maybe rearrange the furniture or add some new decorations to the walls and tables. You’ll be surprised how much good a change of scenery does, for your peace of mind and your mood!
Feel like you’re beginning to move on? Good. It’s time to take that feeling out into the real world. A lot of the time, if you’re sitting around in your house moping, you’re only going to wind up making yourself feel worse.
Now, you had time to mourn your relationship back in the second section. That mourning period has to come to an end, and when it does, it’s time to get back out in the real world and start enjoying life again!
Go out and get outside. Do some of your favorite activities that you’ve been neglecting lately, or didn’t’ get a chance to do in the relationship. Start going out to see your friends again out in public at the park, or the mall, or the bar.
Don’t worry if you don’t have someone to go out with, try going out by yourself! It’s a great idea to get out on your own and give yourself some time to think while you’re not staring at the four walls of your apartment – so go on walks, head to a café, do anything, but get out of your house.
Be wary of getting right into a ‘rebound’ relationship soon after your breakup. You might be craving some attention from the opposite sex, and it might seem like a good idea at the time, but chances are someone’s feelings are going to get hurt.
If you’re not ready to date, you’re not ready to date yet, period. Don’t put some guy’s heart through the ringer because you missed being with someone, but you weren’t ready to seriously date so soon after your breakup.
Take care of your body! After the horrible, stressful, painful period right after a breakup, your body is going to be in rough shape from all the stress, grief, crying, and possible ice cream.
A great way to rebuild your self-esteem and grow your confidence again is to start going to the gym. Start a new fitness and diet routine and take all the negative energy you feel inside you and pour it into that new routine. Chances are you’ll be able to go extra hard at the gym when you’re channeling the pain of the breakup into your workout!
3. Time To Move On
Want to find out if he’s really selfish? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Selfish” Quiz right now and find out if he’s really selfish…
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How To Get Over A Breakup
- Start by working through your feelings
- Don’t try to deny the pain or anger and push it away, let yourself experience it
- Think about the reasons you broke up and write down your feelings about it
- Talk to friends or family to share what you’re going through and get support
- Don’t have any contact with your ex
- Take a mourning period to reflect on the relationship and process your feelings
- Put yourself back out there and be open to seeing other people
Last week i broke I up with my boyfriend ofb14 years. Its been an uphill battle and this emotional toller coaster comes and goes…ugh awful
My wife threw me out of my home on 5th December n cut me out of her n my kids life completely. Past 2 years I developed a cocaine habit as a coping mechanism n escape from things going on i life. I admitted all my mistakes to her n family but she is filing for divorce which I completely understand.
I am doing the right things to make myself better and haven’t touched anything in a month now. We have a 4 year old daughter n 18 month old son. No violence involved at all but I am being painted out to be a complete monster now n being told I will never see my children again.
Thrown out with nothing n no family but things will get better
Like an idiot I moved to the other side of the country for him , shared too much of my money and time and he cheated on me . He is now with another girl and I’m here in tears in a place with no family and friends . Life sucks
Right now, im dealing with the worst moment in my life, its been 1 week since our broke up, i dont know what to do to ease up my pain, i rarely sleep, the first thing i do after waking up is cry and cry and cry, she broke up with me saying that she dont love me anymore after a 8 years relationship
I dont know what to do to move on as i know that she wont be with me anymore, everytime i closed my eyes, i feel pain in my heart, SO MUCH PAIN, i can deal with any challenges in my life l, but not this break up….
I’m going through the same thing it’s been 7 years and I’m absolutely at a loss and nowhere to go. How do you handle it? I’m trying to be strong I have a daughter too but I’m a mess
Same…7 years…broke up 7 months ago and i STILL cant wrap my head around it. Im a complete mess! my life has done a 180 and i just cant
I didnt see it coming , the pain is undescribable, been cut off just like that !! Gave everything was loyal .. best friend .. like dealing with a death . My heart is so sore. Great tips !!
Hi Ann! I totally understand how you feel! I’m also going through it! If you ever need a friend to vent to you’re not alone
I lost my friend ,my best friend..it was the worst moments of my life..strangers became friends for almost two and a half years and after he asked me to be his gf..I was so happy but nosooner did I know that happines will turn into tears..our relationship didn’t even last for month…he broke up with me saying I was not believing in God so much like him…that was just when one month was left for us to meet each other…he gave up our love and our two and half year for another girl…that she was the one ..he even told me he No longer wanted us to be friends anymore..we had lots of dreams together but he left me for another girl…it was the painful thing I have ever experienced in my life coz we shared a lot together…I loves him so much and most of all trusted him blindly…I never thought he would ever leave me for another girl….. he was a stranger but he hard a special place in my heart and we would talk about a lot of things we shall do together when we meet…but in the end he betrayed me ,betrayed my love and my trust…But what can one do Life moves on…it’s almost two month…but I decided to move on ..have fun and achieve my dreams..live my life to the fullest coz life is too short to cry for those who don’t deserve our tears..as they say TIME heals……I’m learning to be happy with out him…He is a jerk ..because he left someone who would have even died for him….I wish wherever he is that girl he left for me never disappoint him..
My ex boyfriend (Gerald Porter II) convinced me to move to another state to do my third year of medical school. One day after getting there I found out he was cheating. Then 3 weeks later he left me because I “had anger issues and couldn’t get over it”. He then proceeded to block me. I realized I was dating an immature boy; not a man like he claimed (words are cheap). I instantly began seeing a therapist and it’s done wonders. Passed my first shelf exam of 3rd year, met a great group of friends, and looking forward to moving back to the East coast to do my 4th year of medical school. His loss.
Hey everyone I am going through a break up as we speak now. It seems like the hardest thing to go through. I feel so much anxiety and It is usually him who gives me eace from anxiety but what now? Our relationship was toxix very toxic it started of bad there was minor red flags but I ignored them all because I started to fall in Love with him. Little did I know those red flags turned worse and worse and our relationship went further Id always try to convince myself that itll get better every time I swore it would but truth is it didnt. It got worse to the point my father didnt allow him in my own home anymore. When him and I are good we are the bestest friends but when we are bad we are the most toxic, disgusting humans on earth. He could be my worst enemy. But I loved him… and now that love isnt enough it got so bad I had no choice but to let him go to let him be and so I did. And now im on the floor writing about this I feel so alpne I feel as if tho the world is crashing on me. I feel sick to my stomach all the time. I truly genuinely miss him but I know we are just Two toxic people i have no one to talk to i lost my bestfriend my everything because he was dangerous.. i feel wrecked and so alone it even gives me feelings of giving up in life. Life is hard i thought he was the love of my life.
Baby don’t feel sad. I am going through the same thing. The only difference is that I became pregnant. He ask for an abortion i told him no and ended the relationship. I requested that he signs a paper giving up his parental rights. ( He’s Egyptian) He refused and then he went from have an abortion to…… I don’t think you’re pregnant. I offer to come see him and go to the Dr. Then I ask him why would I ask you to sign this paper if the pregnancy didn’t exist???? I went dark (social media) closed all my accounts and deleted all my apps so I wouldn’t be tempted to contact him again. He is bad for me but I love him. I know how you feel. It’s like you don’t even want to live anymore. We need to distract ourselves and keep going. We can’t stay stuck like this forever.
It’s crazy how I feel the same exact way! Stay strong. You always have friends there for you!
My heart was broken with various degrees of pain six times- twice with the same girl. So we do heal. But I am so brain looped out with past regrets and confusion on my latest breakup! I feel mentally damaged forever!
Being able to rely on your friends is a HUGE part of getting over any type of breakup. Even if it was nothing really serious, you need to have that friend connection.
Good tips. I am not having a great time right now, but I think I will make it through the tough times.
Getting yourself outside and around the public again is a major part of beating the break up. It always worked for me.
This always works for me. Even if I have to go to a crowded mall just to get back out there, that is what I do.
I would say the only thing worse than a breakup, is getting into that “rebound” relationship. If your friends are good friends, they would keep that from happening.
Well, even though these are a few things that would give you a good start, it is not always this easy.
Good tips. Even though time heals all wounds, these are a good place to jump start.
Why should you rush to get “over” it?
A simple break up is one thing, but does anyone really get OVER a major break up? I feel like they do not.
Do you think it is selfish of me to worry about ME after a breakup?
If the guy broke up with you, not really. The other way around, it might look more selfish.
Depending on who ended the relationship and how it ended could really determine how you deal with your feelings. That has a lot to do with it.
This is true. It might not have been a very bad breakup, you know what I mean.
How does a person do this when they were so beat up and betrayed by the one person that “LOVED” them?
I guess if you can see why the relationship was so bad and make sure to focus on that, a break up might not be too hard to get over.
Part of my problem was the fact that I could barely stick to my decision. I wanted him back so badly and the first bit of attention he showed me, it was back on in an instant.
There are a lot of good comments here and for the most part, I agree with them.
I am thinking the same thing. These are all good things that we can learn from.
Right after a break up, it is easy to realize why the man was not good enough. The bad thing is you might be upset still and that could cloud your judgement.
Having a cloudy judgement is not a good thing at this point in the game.
after getting back with my ex i found out he atually broke up with me as an excuse to sleep with other woman ..he never cheated on me in our relationship..now i feel cheated on ..we still live together but im gonna leave before he knows it ..just like he did..not nice but im hurt and resentful..cant do this ..need these tips
Nobody will tell you that it is easy, but you can easily start with these tips!
Yes, these are very good tips to build from. Good luck!
Break ups are not easy to do. I have a few friends that have a pact to always be there for each other in case of break up. Our little “emergency” meetings have done wonders when trying to get over a guy!
There are some of you that think getting over a break up is so easy. I am going to guess that you were never the type that had to deal with a real bad one then. Right?
that is a good assumption!
Simple, call your friends, have them take you out and get drunk. That will get some thoughts out of your head!
LOL, I guess that is one way to forget about a person.
There is nothing easy about a break up. You just have to stick it out and hope your friends are there to help you through it.
Not at all, but I feel like these tips are a great place to start!
If you are going to be the one breaking it off, then you have to make sure it is what YOU want and what is BEST before doing so. You do NOT want to go back to something you thought was not good in the first place.
I broke up with my b/f last week. It was not an easy decision but I felt things were moving too fast. I look back now and even though I know it was the right call, should I have handled it differently?
There is nothing that you should be looking back at changing. You made the call for a reason and you NEED to stick withit.
I think writing about your feelings is a great idea. You can get things on paper and OUT of your mind at the same time. The healing process might be faster that way.
Sometimes it is better to just move on.
Right, but how DO you move on?
There are plenty of tips in this article. Just read through it slowly and make sure you take notes if you have to.
Short relationships are one thing, but do you really ever get over that long relationship break up?
I found that writing down how I feel about it has helped a great deal. I see you have it mentioned here and I think that is a great place to start when you have gone through a breakup.
Even with these tips, getting over a break up is NOT ever easy.
It might just be me, but it seems like woman take a breakup much harder than a man does. I have been in a breakup situation before and it did not seem like it was hard to get over at all.
I have been in a bad breakup before. I like the tips that you have here. They would have helped me at that time. Being able to make a list of places that make you happier without your EX, is a good exercise.
Great tips! I recently broke up with my b/f of 5 years and the best thing that I could have on my side were my friends. Even though the break up was hard, they did not bash him and things like that, however they did help me through the tough times.
Breaking up is hard to do, just like the song says. I have been single for almost 3 years because of a bad breakup and now I am just scared to try it again so I do not get hurt again.
I am in the same boat. I have been single for two years because I am just too afraid to open up again. I cannot figure out how people break up and are married in the next 12 months. How?
I had a bad breakup last year. I broke up with my b/f of 5 years because it seemed that he did not want to take the next step. It was so hard to do because I loved him, but right now it looks like it was the right move.
For me, one of the worst breakups came out of nowhere and I was left trying to figure out what I did wrong. It was a total shock and I think I am still messed up about it like 4 years later.
These are very thorough tips. They will work, however. If you have recently been through a breakup, I recommend these for sure!
When I was going through a bad breakup a few years ago, it was tough to get back out into public because I thought I would bump into my ex. Once my friends got me over that, it was much easier to deal with.
My b/f and I just broke up and that is how I found this site. I need some help to get through this. He was my “first love” and things just do not seem normal right now….
Things might not be easy at first, but that is where your friends come into play. A good support group can get your through just about anything.
Bad breakups can wreck anyone! If you do not have enough friends around that you can trust to get you through it, you are going to have a harder time compared to someone that does.
Breaking up is so hard. When I broke up with my b/f last year, I didn’t even have any friends that could help me through the ordeal. I think you have a good list of tips here for those that need help!
You got that right. I broke up with my b/f of 5 years after finding out that he cheated on my last month and I could NOT believe it. I am crushed and I just moved to a new city with him so I do not have any GOOD friends that will help me through it.
I hate even talking about breakups. Since my last one, about 3 years ago, I have been so gun shy about getting into a relationship. I do get lonely though and that makes me sad and want a partner.
Breakups are hard to deal with. There can be so many factors involved and they can truly ruin your life if you cannot get over them. Good tips!
Yes they are, but I think with these tips and a good group of family and friends, a person should be able to overcome any guy.
1 of the hardest things that I ever had to deal with that was not a death in the family. Great tips!
I have always had long term relationships and break ups are even worse in that case.