A lot of women come to me feeling very confused about their guy’s actions after a breakup… and the question usually goes like this, “How do guys deal with breakups?”
Now, most of the time, if a woman is asking me this question, her boyfriend is doing one of four things:
The Usual Ways Guys Deal With Breakups
He cut off all contact and is ignoring her
He seems like he’s being a huge jerk to her all the time
He started having tons of one night stands with different women
He jumped headfirst right into a new relationship
And I totally understand why those actions would be confusing to a woman who just had her relationship end. Many women wind up totally lost as to why he would do those things if he cared about her, and wondering if her ex still loves her – or if he ever cared at all.
Here’s the source of the confusion: it’s not about you.
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His Actions Aren’t About You Or Your Relationship
The problem with that mindset is that it assumes he’s doing these things specifically to get a reaction out of you. That mindset looks at his behavior and makes it about you, when it’s really all about him.
All of the actions listed above are in response to one thing – how he’s feeling inside himself. If you start to look at them through that lens, they all make perfect sense.
Every one of those behaviors from him is a way of dealing with the emotional turmoil inside himself. Let’s go through them one by one so you can see exactly what I mean (and stop being confused by his post-breakup actions, so you can stay strong after your breakup).
He Cut Off Contact
If he wound up cutting off all contact with you, it means he doesn’t want to deal with the negative emotions he has surrounding your breakup.
He knows that talking to you is only going to make him feel worse – and he also probably knows that it’s not going to accomplish anything.
If he doesn’t want to get back together with you, he knows that if he talks to you, all it’s going to do is make him feel horrible – and he wants to avoid that.
He’s not trying to be a jerk – he’s just trying to preserve his emotional sanity and wellbeing.
A lot of the time when a guy cuts off contact with a woman after a breakup, she assumes that he never cared about her at all. Far from it.
It’s not that he never cared about you – it’s that he’s trying to give himself space to heal. If he keeps talking to you, he won’t be able to do that.
He Seems Like He’s Being A Huge Jerk To You
If he comes off as being a massive jerk to you after breaking up – chances are it was really rough on him.
The more of a jerk it seems like he’s being, the worse he’s feeling about the breakup. Some people lash out to avoid dealing with negative emotions inside themselves – it’s their way of trying to cope with their inner anguish.
It doesn’t excuse his actions if he really is being a huge jerk – but it does tell you why he’s doing it.
Note – I’m not saying that it’s ok for a guy to be a jerk after a breakup – far from it. What I’m saying is that his jerky actions are about him… not about you.
In fact, you can take this principle and apply it to your whole life. Have you ever had a complete stranger act like a huge jerk to you – like yelling at you over something really minor or having a huge angry blowup over nothing?
100% of the time – that huge angry blowup from a stranger is about what’s going on in their life – not about you. How could it be about you anyway – since it’s coming from a stranger?
If someone has a strong emotional reaction to something seemingly minor – it’s all about how they’re feeling inside and the problems they’re dealing with – and completely not about you.
When you realize that it’s not about you, you can approach from a position of sympathy – and sidestep 99% of their anger.
It’s the same with your ex. If he seems like he’s being a huge jerk to you – it’s about what’s going on with him, not about you. When you realize that, you can rise above it and not let it affect you – rather than playing back into it and making yourself feel horrible.
He Starts Having Tons Of One Night Stands
If a guy does this, to the woman it can seem like he moved on really quickly after the breakup – which couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Guys that do this are usually the type that need external validation to feel good about themselves. His feelings of worth and self-esteem come from positive attention from women – and when you guys broke up, he lost his source of self-esteem.
When guys who think that way suddenly lose their source of self-esteem, sometimes they panic and wind up sleeping with tons of different women in an attempt to “prove” to themselves that they’re a worthwhile person.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t work. Deriving your self-esteem from outside sources and validation never works out in the long run. True self-esteem has to come from within – it can’t be taken from without.
So after he has all his random one night stands and flings they’ll start to feel hollow to him – and he’ll be left to face the negative feelings inside himself. He can’t run from them forever – because they’re inside him, following him wherever he goes.
He Jumped Right Into A New Relationship
There are a couple different scenarios for this one: either he dumped you and got into a new relationship right away, or you dumped him and he got into a new relationship right away.
If he dumped you – then I’m sorry to say that he probably met someone new that he wanted to be with and ended things with you because of it.
That sucks – and I’m sorry it happened. Everyone’s been through something like that at one point or another and the only thing to do is work through the pain of the breakup and move on.
If you broke up with him – then this is a very similar situation to the guy who goes out and has tons of one night stands with different women.
He’s trying to fill the hole in his life that you occupied. He took a lot of his self-worth from the fact that he was in a relationship – so when you ended things he felt a strong need to get his source of self-worth back as quickly as possible.
That means going out and finding someone else to be with as quickly as possible. And from your perspective I totally understand why it might seem like he never cared about you.
But when you look at it from his perspective – he’s trying to fill a hole in himself because he feels horrible about himself if he doesn’t.
It says nothing about you or the relationship you had – and everything about what he needs to feel good about himself.
Here’s the main point to take away from all this: after a breakup, if he does one of these four things, it’s because he’s trying to run away from the negative feelings of a breakup.
And the truth is, no matter how fast you run, you can never run away from negative feelings inside yourself.
You can try to cover them up, or bury them in sex, or alcohol, or any other kind of escape… but after you get tired of running the negative feelings will still be there inside you waiting to be addressed.
The only way to deal with negative emotions is to acknowledge them, face them head on, and work through them.
So don’t worry about his actions post breakup – they don’t mean anything about you and they don’t say anything about what your relationship really meant to him.
When you have the empathy to realize that everything he’s doing stems from negative feelings inside himself that he’s trying to deal with, then everything becomes clear – and you never have to feel confused or awful about how a guy deals with a breakup ever again.
I hope this article helped you understand how guys deal with breakups. It’s important to realize that as time goes by after a breakup, your chances of getting back together quickly get smaller and smaller until there’s no chance at all. If you don’t do something right now, chances are you will lose him forever, so don’t miss this chance to discover how to make him see you as “the one” and want to be with you and only you. This secret formula to get your ex back in your arms for good will work, but only if you discover it right now: Do You Want Your Ex Back? Use This To Get Them Back…
Want to find out if he’s really selfish? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Selfish” Quiz right now and find out if he’s really selfish…