The Truth Of How Guys Deal With Breakups

The Truth Of How Guys Deal With Breakups

A lot of women come to me feeling very confused about their guy’s actions after a breakup… and the question usually goes like this, “How do guys deal with breakups?”

Now, most of the time, if a woman is asking me this question, her boyfriend is doing one of four things:

The Usual Ways Guys Deal With Breakups

  • He cut off all contact and is ignoring her
  • He seems like he’s being a huge jerk to her all the time
  • He started having tons of one night stands with different women
  • He jumped headfirst right into a new relationship

how guys deal with breakups

And I totally understand why those actions would be confusing to a woman who just had her relationship end. Many women wind up totally lost as to why he would do those things if he cared about her, and wondering if her ex still loves her – or if he ever cared at all.

Here’s the source of the confusion: it’s not about you.

Take The Quiz: Is He Selfish?

Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Selfish” Quiz right now and find out if he’s really selfish…

His Actions Aren’t About You Or Your Relationship

The problem with that mindset is that it assumes he’s doing these things specifically to get a reaction out of you. That mindset looks at his behavior and makes it about you, when it’s really all about him.

All of the actions listed above are in response to one thing – how he’s feeling inside himself. If you start to look at them through that lens, they all make perfect sense.

Every one of those behaviors from him is a way of dealing with the emotional turmoil inside himself. Let’s go through them one by one so you can see exactly what I mean (and stop being confused by his post-breakup actions, so you can stay strong after your breakup).

He Cut Off Contact

If he wound up cutting off all contact with you, it means he doesn’t want to deal with the negative emotions he has surrounding your breakup.

He knows that talking to you is only going to make him feel worse – and he also probably knows that it’s not going to accomplish anything.

If he doesn’t want to get back together with you, he knows that if he talks to you, all it’s going to do is make him feel horrible – and he wants to avoid that.

He’s not trying to be a jerk – he’s just trying to preserve his emotional sanity and wellbeing.

A lot of the time when a guy cuts off contact with a woman after a breakup, she assumes that he never cared about her at all. Far from it.

It’s not that he never cared about you – it’s that he’s trying to give himself space to heal. If he keeps talking to you, he won’t be able to do that.

Watch The Video: How Do Guys Deal With Breakups: What Every Woman Needs to Know

He Seems Like He’s Being A Huge Jerk To You

If he comes off as being a massive jerk to you after breaking up – chances are it was really rough on him.

The more of a jerk it seems like he’s being, the worse he’s feeling about the breakup. Some people lash out to avoid dealing with negative emotions inside themselves – it’s their way of trying to cope with their inner anguish.

It doesn’t excuse his actions if he really is being a huge jerk – but it does tell you why he’s doing it.

Note – I’m not saying that it’s ok for a guy to be a jerk after a breakup – far from it. What I’m saying is that his jerky actions are about him… not about you.

In fact, you can take this principle and apply it to your whole life. Have you ever had a complete stranger act like a huge jerk to you – like yelling at you over something really minor or having a huge angry blowup over nothing?

100% of the time – that huge angry blowup from a stranger is about what’s going on in their life – not about you. How could it be about you anyway – since it’s coming from a stranger?

If someone has a strong emotional reaction to something seemingly minor – it’s all about how they’re feeling inside and the problems they’re dealing with – and completely not about you.

When you realize that it’s not about you, you can approach from a position of sympathy – and sidestep 99% of their anger.

It’s the same with your ex. If he seems like he’s being a huge jerk to you – it’s about what’s going on with him, not about you. When you realize that, you can rise above it and not let it affect you – rather than playing back into it and making yourself feel horrible.

He Starts Having Tons Of One Night Stands

If a guy does this, to the woman it can seem like he moved on really quickly after the breakup – which couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Guys that do this are usually the type that need external validation to feel good about themselves. His feelings of worth and self-esteem come from positive attention from women – and when you guys broke up, he lost his source of self-esteem.

When guys who think that way suddenly lose their source of self-esteem, sometimes they panic and wind up sleeping with tons of different women in an attempt to “prove” to themselves that they’re a worthwhile person.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t work. Deriving your self-esteem from outside sources and validation never works out in the long run. True self-esteem has to come from within – it can’t be taken from without.

So after he has all his random one night stands and flings they’ll start to feel hollow to him – and he’ll be left to face the negative feelings inside himself. He can’t run from them forever – because they’re inside him, following him wherever he goes.

He Jumped Right Into A New Relationship

There are a couple different scenarios for this one: either he dumped you and got into a new relationship right away, or you dumped him and he got into a new relationship right away.

If he dumped you – then I’m sorry to say that he probably met someone new that he wanted to be with and ended things with you because of it.

That sucks – and I’m sorry it happened. Everyone’s been through something like that at one point or another and the only thing to do is work through the pain of the breakup and move on.

If you broke up with him – then this is a very similar situation to the guy who goes out and has tons of one night stands with different women.

He’s trying to fill the hole in his life that you occupied. He took a lot of his self-worth from the fact that he was in a relationship – so when you ended things he felt a strong need to get his source of self-worth back as quickly as possible.

That means going out and finding someone else to be with as quickly as possible. And from your perspective I totally understand why it might seem like he never cared about you.

But when you look at it from his perspective – he’s trying to fill a hole in himself because he feels horrible about himself if he doesn’t.

It says nothing about you or the relationship you had – and everything about what he needs to feel good about himself.

Here’s the main point to take away from all this: after a breakup, if he does one of these four things, it’s because he’s trying to run away from the negative feelings of a breakup.

And the truth is, no matter how fast you run, you can never run away from negative feelings inside yourself.

You can try to cover them up, or bury them in sex, or alcohol, or any other kind of escape… but after you get tired of running the negative feelings will still be there inside you waiting to be addressed.

The only way to deal with negative emotions is to acknowledge them, face them head on, and work through them.

So don’t worry about his actions post breakup – they don’t mean anything about you and they don’t say anything about what your relationship really meant to him.

When you have the empathy to realize that everything he’s doing stems from negative feelings inside himself that he’s trying to deal with, then everything becomes clear – and you never have to feel confused or awful about how a guy deals with a breakup ever again.

I hope this article helped you understand how guys deal with breakups. It’s important to realize that as time goes by after a breakup, your chances of getting back together quickly get smaller and smaller until there’s no chance at all. If you don’t do something right now, chances are you will lose him forever, so don’t miss this chance to discover how to make him see you as “the one” and want to be with you and only you. This secret formula to get your ex back in your arms for good will work, but only if you discover it right now: Do You Want Your Ex Back? Use This To Get Them Back…

Want to find out if he’s really selfish? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Selfish” Quiz right now and find out if he’s really selfish…

Take The Quiz: Is He Selfish?

64 comments… add one
  • Lou November 20, 2023, 6:38 pm

    I was in a 15 year relationship it ended babley took me 4 years to even think about dating I met a really nice guy we went away over night different places spoke to each other everyday then his ex found out and wouldn’t let him see his kids this went on for over a week we was dating for 2 months we said we loved each other and he dumped me because he has to see his kids and I get that I have kids myself but he hadn’t sat down and spoke to his ex to arrange anythink he messaged me briefly the next day sent me a video of him and his son counting then he blocked me am heartbroken he was so upset the last time I seen him he cried a little bit then seemed ok I explained to him I was fragile mentally and emotionally and he said he wasn’t going anywhere then he did I don’t understand it and now I can’t even speak to him because he has completely blocked me

  • Nadia February 14, 2022, 1:54 am

    Why you trying to heal? You did the dumping you didn’t even wanna communicate and fix things? So why does a guy need to heal?

  • janiya December 26, 2020, 12:12 pm

    idk wat to do im love sick and i miss him ewe broke up pls give advice

  • John March 20, 2020, 1:33 am

    Nah, only stupid guys act this way. When you break up with a man, you have to realize that he actually manipulated you into breaking up with him. The best way is to make you think it was your idea.

    • Teresa August 29, 2020, 10:31 pm

      It isn’t the best way at all. It is the coward’s way. A confident and mature man has no problems communicating his choice to end a relationship.

  • Simone September 13, 2019, 2:10 pm

    You mentioned ‘if he dumped you then I’m sorry to say, but he’s met someone new that he wanted to be with’ that sounds like a major generalisation. I don’t think that that is the case for every man that leaves his partner..?

  • sania March 23, 2019, 6:56 pm

    Dear Erin,

    I must start by telling you how deeply I admire and respect you. In a world where men walk all over women, you give us hope. I don’t know if you’ll ever read my email, or if you’ll even have the time to help. But I hope you do. I am 25 years old and had never been in a relationship. Its not that i’ve never had the opportunity, I just always had high standards. And I was determined to marry someone the complete opposite of my father. My parents were two people that should’ve never gotten married. My father was the ultimate playboy and my mother thought she could change him with children. I never grew up with a stable father figure, so its safe to say the most important man in my life had let me down. I wasn’t jumping into anything.

    I met this one guy when I was 24. He was also 24, in his first year of law school and I was applying to law school. I never saw him as anything but a friend but that changed quickly the more time we spent together. From March till April we talked every day. We met three times and I thought maybe, just maybe he’s different. He was the first man I had ever talked to with the intention of pursuing a relationship. The first guy I ever went on a date with. The first guy I gave my phone number to. Due to my religious background, I wanted my first relationship to be my last. He was from the same cultural and religious background as myself. After our third date he was entering the reading period. Which is his finals for law school. I didn’t hear from him for a month. No call, no text, no nothing. I let a month go by and after his finals decided to message him.

    I told him I hope he valued my time because I valued his and asked what he wanted out of this. He never answered my questions and turned the tables around and asked me the same question. After I expressed how much I admired and respected him and wanted things to possibly continue, he said that wasn’t what he was looking for and he’s sorry if he lead me on. I replied back with, I wish you well in law school, and left it at that. I didn’t contact him, tried not to think about him and went on with my life.

    Three weeks later he messages me and asked if i’ve had a good summer. I message back stating i did and hoped he did as well. But I replied in a way where it was not only direct but I didn’t allow the conversation to continue. He read the message and didn’t reply back. Couple days later he sends me snaps. A snapchat of a basketball hoop. A snapchat of a door, a snapchat of the sunset. I was extremely confused but never replied back to any of these. But the more he would snap me, the more my feelings for him would resurface. So I sent him a snap a couple of weeks later of me and a basketball player that he loved. I had run into him at the Santa Monica pier in LA when I was visiting. He replied back instantly and and asked if we could grab coffee. I agreed.

    Erin, I was scared but hopeful. I wanted it to work out. I hadn’t seen him in 3 months. So we met in August, He asked me what I wanted out of this relationship and I told him exactly what I wanted. I said if i’m going to be talking to someone, in about a year I want to be engaged and in about two years I want to be married. Keep in mind at this time we were both 24, but we are muslim and this is very common for muslims to get married around this age. He agreed to everything. I also told him I won’t sleep with him until i’m married due to my religious beliefs. He agreed although he was far more experienced. I also asked him why he messaged me again, because he ended things so strongly and seemed like he didn’t want anything to do with me. He said that I came into his life during a time when he was questioning a lot. And I was a good influence on him. He also said he visited a friends house over the summer and his spouse reminded him of me. And he didn’t want to let me walk out of his life. After that we started dating and in the beginning I was always skeptical. My parents never had the best relationship so I never really knew what a healthy relationship looked like. But I wanted to have one, and I wanted to have one with him.

    I compromised on a lot of my boxes. He didn’t have any of them checked. The only two he had, was that he was educated and he was of the same cultural background as I was. Maybe that should’ve been my first sign, but I thought not every one is perfect. And I saw good in him, so I wanted to stand by that. As our relationship continued, he would get upset that his friends were messaging me because they liked me. All of which I had no control over. I wouldn’t even open their messages, but he was upset that they couldn’t know we were together. Being in the family and culture I was raised in, we as women cannot come out and embrace relationships as easily as men can. Men are born with a certain type of privilege that women aren’t born with. I cried a lot throughout the relationship. I knew he wasn’t ready for a lot of the things that I wanted and that I was ready for. The topic of not being physical came up more frequently towards the end of our relationship. But it wasn’t something I was going to comprise on. I made a promise to myself that I would only do that with my husband. He would also often tell me that, he liked it that he had something that everyone else wanted. And he would constantly praise me for the fact that he would be my first in everything. Of course after marriage. I would constantly tell him, if this isn’t what he wanted to let me know and I would walk away. He would always reassure me by telling me this isn’t what he wanted in the beginning but he wants it because its with me. I always opened communication and told him from the beginning that I wouldn’t do anything unless I was married but he would make me feel bad about it. I don’t know if that was his intentions or not but when he would talk about how hard it was for him not to be physical I felt so guilty.

    I was his support system and I wasn’t getting any myself. But I loved him and I knew he was stressed with law school so I tried to be as supportive and as patient as I could have been. I’m not going to paint myself to be this perfect person when I’m not. I’m sure somewhere I was at fault, but its hard when the person you love continues to hurt you.

    We started in August and October came around. My sisters are two of the closest people in my life. I love them with all my heart and they are very protective. I wanted them to meet him. They met him and hated him. After they met him they said he didn’t love me. They said he loved the idea of me. How I would fit in his family. How I would fit in his plans for the future. How I was something that everyone wanted but couldn’t have. They asked him why he wanted to be with me and he didn’t give the best answer. He said, she asks me about how my day is going. she’s nice and driven. She’s pursing higher education. My sisters said these were all generic answers. They said he liked the way I looked. I was arm candy for him. As they said that I couldn’t help but think, he would always compliment me on my looks. Telling me your so hot or beautiful. To me outer beauty means nothing, its the inner beauty that counts. He also wasn’t drop dead gorgeous, but I fell in love with him. There was good in him. I had seen it.

    After that we both needed a couple of days apart, my sisters weren’t the easiest on him and I’m the first to acknowledge that. But he stayed with me. Despite his brothers telling him to leave me, that I was complicated and other girls were easier to be with, he stayed. And I loved him more for that. As time passed, things just got more difficult. We would argue about the future and how my parents were pressing us to get engaged. In my culture, when you get engaged, it basically allows you to date publicly. He told his mother that he wanted to get engaged. My father said if he didn’t get engaged to me, I wouldn’t be able to see him again. Looking back, I wish I hadn’t pushed him but I was being pushed myself. He did as I asked and told his mother. His mother was against our relationship the moment she found out.

    She said that I would distract him, that there were a million girls like me, so he should leave me. She said this all while never meeting me. I wish I had the opportunity to meet her and prove her wrong. To show her that I loved her son as much as she did, if not more. That I wanted his well being and success more than my own. As time went on things began to get harder. I could see him slipping away. He was always scared of getting engaged and the responsibilities that it came with. But I always kept asking him from the first moment we started dating if this is not what you want thats okay, just let me know and ill go. And he would always reassure me that this isn’t what he wanted to begin with but he wanted it now cause it was with me. That was another mistake I made. I choose to believe his words rather than his actions.

    He would also tell me things like, lie about your age and your height and don’t cut your hair. He would want me to lie about those things to his mom, if ever I were to meet her. And it just made me fee like I wasn’t good enough. We got into a fight over me going to a dinner gather with friends, there was a man there that had been interested in marrying me. I called him and told him afterwards that this individual was there. He called me sneaky and back ended and because I didn’t call him right away. He said I should have told him he was going to be there. I had informed him that I wasn’t aware he was there and we didn’t even talk. But when I began to get emotional and cry he told me to stop playing the victim.

    It was the end of January, things were really hard at this point and the roles had switched. In the beginning of the relationship, he was reassuring me and my feelings and now I was doing that to him. I felt as though i was holding him with both arms because I didn’t want to let go. I loved him at this point more than I loved myself, more than he unfortunately loved me. Yet again another mistake on my part. We broke up, he said he was really stressed out and he wasn’t ready for this. That his priority was law school and passing the bar. He said I was going to distract him from passing the bar. That he would end up hating me if we got engaged. All I wanted to do was support him. It broke me when he was telling me all this but I let him empty out his chest. Than I told him I understood and asked him to leave, but he wouldn’t. I could see he was going back and fourth on his own decision. Than he said lets give it till march. Let me introduce you to my mom and see where that goes. If she likes you than we’ll take it from there. I asked him let me go if this is not what he wanted. I said I’d thank him one day for it, but he said no. He said, how could I let someone like you go, when you love me so purely and innocently.

    A week before we officially broke up, the topic of us not being physical came up again. He told me I wouldn’t understand how hard it was for him. That he’s so stressed out and being physical after class would relax him. I kept telling him i’m sorry but I can’t do anything until i’m married. We were together for one more week before we officially broke up the 2nd of February 2019. That last phone call broke me, I wanted to scream and yell but I remained silent. I wanted him to say but, we can work this out. Lets give it one more shot and he didn’t. I said i’ll wait for you and he said I don’t want you waiting. I said I don’t need an engagement party he said you deserve to have one. He was pulling every reason not to be with me while I was trying to find every reason for him to stay. He was telling me “You know you’re so hot” and I was sitting there thinking is that really what he’s telling me right now. He said he’ll always love me and I didn’t believe anything that came out of his mouth anymore. He said i’m the perfect girl its just the wrong time. I don’t doubt that you’d made me happy and your loyal.

    My whole family told me to leave him, they begged me to leave him and I didn’t, I stood by him. My friends told me he wasn’t good for me and I stood by him and defended him. I told them that they didn’t know him. And yet when things got difficult and his mom was against us, he didn’t do the same. He’s made me feel so low and no longer worthy. I have so much anxiety and I can’t stop crying. I can’t talk to any of my family members because they don’t understand why its so hard for me. They keep telling me not to waste my tears but its easier said than done. My father also talked to me after things ended. He told me the reason why he mentioned we both get engaged is because he knew he would never do it. My father said that my partner had reminded him of his younger self. If he loved you, really loved you the way you loved him, he would find a reason to stay. He wouldn’t leave so easily.

    Erin my question for you is did he ever love me? If you love someone even a little bit you stick by them even when things are hard. He hurt me a lot throughout our relationship. And it wasn’t all him, sometimes I hurt myself. Even my therapist said he was manipulative, but I don’t know why, I loved him. I still defend him to others. Does he even regret it? or is he even sad about breaking up with me? He seems like he was unaffected on the phone when he was ending things. Will he regret it? Will he even try to reach out? Will he ever reach out? After we broke up, I deactivated all my social media. I went on a no contact phase. His birthday was a week after we broke up but I didn’t even message him happy birthday. I wanted to show him that I respect his decision and will not be needy. I also told him when we break up he’ll regret letting me walk out of his life. He told me that he won’t regret anything. I just want to know if he will regret it? or If he’ll reach out? He came back once after the first time, he reached out three weeks after. And its been officially a month and a couple of days since we broke up and I haven’t heard from him at all. He also unfollowed me on snapchat. And when he did that I couldn’t help but cry and my friends encouraged me to unfollow him on Instagram and Facebook. I didn’t want to do it but they suggested it would be the healthiest option.

    I know I shouldn’t care but I’m so heart broken. How did I not see these signs. They don’t lie when they say love is blind. I know I deserve better. When it ended, my shoulders felt light, but my heart began to ache in a way it never had before. Maybe I wanted it to work because I wanted that happy ending my parents never got. Erin if you can give me any advice and keep this as private as possible I would really appreciate it.

    I don’t even know if you’ll even get this message but I just needed to ask advice from someone whom i’ve respected for a while.

    Thank you for even reading this far and allowing me to get my feelings out throughout email. I hope to hear from you soon.

    Warmest Regards,


  • zama May 4, 2018, 1:10 pm

    He broke up with me dated for 4yrs I was going through so much stress my contract ended had no job I was so stressed to a point where I would drink he was not there for me I would drink and we would fight everyday about small things I would call him everytime I had him as a friend cos I would spend most of my time witb him I.had no friends so I needed him like dat so he would get ennoyed suddenly he would get angry wen I call him . I got drunk I sweard at him broke his door at his place I felt so alone and angry that his not there for me when I needed him . The he said his haad enuf with me why am im taking out my stress on him his done he sees that its not gona work . After 4 yrs he only sees it now that its not gona work becouse im going through a rough patch instead of supporting me as a real man he chooses to run away from me. Said he cant stand my behavior I drink and fight with him . Thats was his excuse blocked me ddnt take my calls afterwards.

  • dealsandcouponz November 15, 2017, 3:43 am

    Breakups are nothing but major feelings of the heart. This is not exactly what you are feeling today you will feel the same tomorrow. The better way to come out from this feeling is to think lil more positive. This way God gives you an indication that the Supreme has decided something not better but the best one for you.

  • Vanessa A August 8, 2017, 12:18 pm

    Im heartbroken as we speak. Met this guy about 12 months ago, yeah he was great we got on like a house on fire, my kids loved him. Im 45 he is 28. Big difference I know but he is really mature. Anyways, as we went along a few things about hime emerged, but his own hoensty. He had just come out of a long but hard relationship, but it seems he had cheated on her with another girl he claimed to have been in love with. I knwo I knwo, all these signes. And then there is this non girlfriend he was planning to have a baby with. COnfusing right? Any from early on I realized he was EU, emotionally unavailable stemming from a troubled and abusive child hood. Well relationship went along and I tried so hard to understand him and give the space the EU people need. But soon we started bickering and then he started shutting down, and then one day he ups and just vanishes for three days with no account, to this day. He needed space… OK, i could not take it much more, as I am a highly emotional person, and spoke my mind. Her turned it on me, and well here i am, he broke it off. I know Im better off without him, but damn it hurts like hell. Just venting..

    • Broken Hearted April 4, 2018, 4:21 pm

      I understand exactly how you feel because I am 48 and was dating a man 34 for almost 2 years. He recently broke up with me because he felt that I didn’t “hold him down” at a time when he was down emotionally. And instead of talking to me about what happened, he ignored me for an entire day and then texted me to break up the next. We were going to meet up this weekend to return stuff that belonged to the other person and I texted him asking if we could have a conversation when we met. That led to a lot of name calling and right now I’m hurting so bad. It has even messed up my sleep for the past two nights and I NEVER have a problem sleeping unless I’m ill. Break ups hurt so bad and I just want it all to be over!!

  • jas June 12, 2017, 12:51 am

    So it means guys usually ACT LIKE 3 YEAR OLD KIDS when they go through break up…Sorry, no one want guys like these….better to stay single than marrying guys who are nothing less than psychos….!!!!

    • Dave July 26, 2017, 1:15 pm

      Spent a year & a half with a woman who I truly fell in love with. Got to know her family well, helped her with many projects and spent a lot of time with her. She was loving in return, but extremely tight-lipped about her past. I truly wanted to move to “the next level” of our relationship, but could not – needed to know what was hidden. Finally learned that she was living the “hookup” lifestyle for about a decade and wanted that buried. I probably could have digested that if she had only been forthcoming when I questioned it (hell, her longest relationship was with a guy that not even her best friend knew about, who she’d meet up with for sex for over 6 yrs – no mention of that). She got indignant about me even mentioning this guy’s name and we are done – even thought I was “the love of her life.” I’m successful, good-looking and trying to be a decent guy in this life, but 90% of the women I’ve had relationships with have carried the double standard that I need to be fully vetted to enter their lives, while they can hide/lie/withhold any mention of their earlier lifestyles, STDs and financial net worths. It’s difficult to emerge from such experiences & not feel hurt, fooled & just plain beta-stupid. If you care about someone (male or female) it’s important to provide each other with a fair amount of transparency, in terms of who you are and who/where you’ve been. Also, if you’re earnestly attempting to make real changes to your wants & lifestyle, away from what they have been, MAKE IT KNOWN. The realities of our pasts – GOOD OR BAD – are bound to catch up with us sooner or later. This will only serve to damage trust in your relationship on both sides. It will also cripple both people in going forward. I truly love / loved her. Now we both don’t tust each other & we are done. If she could have only talked to me, I would have been able to process it. I could never move forward & marry my life to someone hiding major issues. Now I’m messed up. Will try not t become jaded & untrusting in future endeavors – BUT THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME A WOMAN HAS EXPECTED THE WORLD FROM ME & WITHHELD MUCH IN RETURN.

      • Farah November 3, 2017, 7:29 pm

        Hi Dave, I have had the same thing happen to me but from men. I’m so dicouraged now, lost and hopeless that I will ever find “the one”
        So you are not alone

      • Mannat February 10, 2018, 10:19 am

        I can truly understand the importance of transpirancy….if they love you then why do they have to hife something? Moreover it’s ussless putting yourself completely for someone. .you only end up being hurt..too happened a couple of times with too done..n trust me you can never trust people again..something similar happened to me…the only thing i don’t believe if they can’t be true then why do they fake around n hurt..asswholes.

  • susan June 3, 2017, 10:11 pm

    My partner just left me after 23 years. I have one child from a previous relationship and we have one together. He gave no indication that anything was wrong. My mom passed and the night before she was buried was the last night that he slept in our bed. So this was a double whammy for me and I am miserable. I understand that he is already living with someone so obviously this relationship was already established. My heart is broken – I don’t know how else to describe the feeling. But life goes on right? I have not reached out to him – I am done – but that doesn’t make me feel any better. Any reminders – pictures, fish tank, clothing – everything is gone. I would like to think that I hate him but if I did it wouldn’t hurt so bad. Relationship was just one big fat lie. The only contact that I will have with him is if someone one gets married, gives birth or dies. I don’t know if I’ll ever have another serious relationship again.

    Stick a fork in me I’m done!!

    • Leslie September 2, 2019, 3:46 pm

      The same here – broke up with a man and lost a family member on the same day. Lots of grief , hopelessness, and confusion. I am in late 40s and I also do not believe I’ll ever have a serious relationship. So much sadness, but i guess we have to continue living.

  • Vhhjj May 17, 2017, 1:28 pm

    It’s time to get over it, Katrina.

    My dad did the same, by the way.

  • Dashawn March 20, 2017, 2:20 am

    Ok first off im a male thats dealing with a 4year realtionship break up and me and this woman have a son …i have no guys friends and dont have male friends or male role models. I cant realate to this article because everthing isnt accurate. .how do i get over this

  • Sophia February 20, 2017, 12:01 pm

    We dated 5 months. His excuses was always busy with work and family, therefore I think our love is not that deep. But I do see our love is improving slowly . We had good times when we are together 1-2 times a week. He told me he is going to a big conference in Vegas for a week . My instinct and gut feeling is telling me something is not right by his text to me with a kissing emoji or brief hello text . I surf throw fb found him hold hand with other girl that from my town flew in with him. I texted told him I know and saw it all. He is fooling around with me feeling and hurt my feeling . I will volunteer to withdraw from this mess. He called left message denied that don’t know where I got it from. I can do whatever, he doesn’t care. Then he disappeared with no apology. I am frustrated that I was high respect him before and now I am loosing him. Is he ashamed I caught him ? He’s mad because I broke up with him? Or he just doesn’t care?

    • mila November 29, 2017, 5:34 pm

      We all deserve someone who truly cares. You will met the right person

  • Robert February 12, 2017, 8:12 am

    I don’t know where this comes from because my last 2 relationships are the exact opposite. I am confused, while she is messing around, sleeping with other guys etc. The aproach taken here, and else where on the net is generally very sexist and one sided. At least have the courtesy to take both extremes from both sides. I have had 2 relationships recently that went this path. Woman are just as heartless if not more when it comes to their selfish wants and lusts and ‘coping’. I say ‘coping’ cause ut is utter bs. If you never cared to start off with, then the behaviour makes more sense.

    • mila November 29, 2017, 5:58 pm

      you’re right about the article being sexist. Every human has his way to deal with a heartbreak, based on his own healing process. I don’t know if gender has anything to do with it.

  • Chia January 26, 2017, 8:45 pm

    I just broke up with my boyfriend
    Yesterday, we’d be almost 4 years
    The problem is HIS ex stays with him cause they have a child together, we became very close and we tell each other’s our issues, I know all about
    His ex. But what I got so mad ( very first time)
    He supposed to come and see me which he usually does on every week of his days off
    I broke up with him cause I can’t take it anymore
    That he needs to be sneaky when she is around
    Okay if you guys have no something why he is SNEAKY?please I am so heart broken and I do love him so much , is it wrong that I broke up with him? I gave him the full trust he needs and he says that I have a trust issue? Please I need an advice, thank you

    • mila November 29, 2017, 5:50 pm

      Trust your instincts…. and honestly having a child together doesnt mean you have to stay together. My parents divorced and stayed together, it was their worst mistake, it only did me harm.
      We all deserve a person that truly cares just like you care for him. We all deserve love and care.

  • Chris December 20, 2016, 1:58 am

    in a way yes, you told him your taking your daughter which is his daughter as well. Your literally taking a piece of him women don’t understand how connected a father feels to their children. My ex she decided she didn’t love me anymore she wanted to work and I was a stay at home dad I raised both our boys since birth 7 years and 3 years know I have to move out of the home we just bought I see our boys on the weekends so from raising them since birth being the 24/7 to 2 days out of a week. Thankfully your daughter is very young because seeing her parents like this would cause some emotion problems. I don’t know what the fight was about but you 2 had a baby together I’m sure with how I felt I was destroyed so I can see him being a broken man he didn’t just lose you he’s losing his daughter to.

  • Rebecca November 24, 2016, 2:44 am

    I have been in a real auto ship with this guy who is 29yrs old I’m 23 for 3 yrs now.we just had a baby and our daughter is 4months day we got into a huge fight I left the house and when I told him I was coming back to pick up my stuff n the baby I was leaving him he flipped out and didn’t let me see my daughter for a whole month it really hurt me b/c he ignored me completely that whole month as I was trying to talk sense into him about how keeping her from me isn’t doing any good because he’s mad I left him.after a month I finally talked sense to him one day in a text message and he let me finally take my daughter but. The day after he got arrrested for drinking and driving I just think it’s pretty coincidence that the same day he finally said yes he was arrested at it normal for me in some way to feel guilty about this?? about how he ended up in jail what does this mean?please help I need a second opinion.

  • Will October 8, 2016, 2:06 pm

    Many males fail to address their emotions in any insightful way after breakup. I believe ladies have more experience with communication that fosters an understating about how and why they feel the way they do, especially after break-up. Most males do not have access to or experience with coping strategies that may, in a sufficient way, alleviate inner emotional anguish; so, sex-as-a-bandaid or other, temporality, self-affirming behaviors or emotionally numbing behaviors (alcohol or drug use) can follow in men more than in women, generally, after break-up. Most women have a supportive social network to fall back on, most men do not. So, the difference in social support, in addressing emotional pain after break-up, makes a big difference. Further, even if a male has a socially supportive network , chances are, in communication between those men after break-up, men are more process-oriented, addressing underlying problems and possible solutions: actionable ends to pursue. Notice how that’s not sharing experiences and having those experiences affirmed, which does a better job of managing emotional pain rather than discussing how to “fix” it.

  • JDKS August 27, 2016, 1:57 pm

    What a mess!!
    I married my husband 8 years ago
    We were complete opposites however I went through the ceremony
    I left two years later because he lacked emotional fiber
    Well. I wound up going back for another three years trying to work it all out
    Still no emotional fiber
    My Father passed away and I (of course)
    Went down to where I grew up to bury him
    I flew to Colorado to my best friends to cope and a week later I found out that I needed surgery
    My husband was understanding yet did not join me to be by my side
    I returned home after several surgeries and my anger inside was so deep
    He tried to be kind yet I was just so angry that I could not even take it
    I left again because I had to have another surgery
    Again. No husband
    I went to return home and he stated that he was totally done and not trying anymore
    I was floored
    He is not with anyone and the home was in a total disaster mode
    I left without a fight and sought out an annulment which he will not sign
    I pleaded cried and begged yet he keeps saying I am not signing anything with crap in it
    He blocks me then unblocked me several times
    I finally blew up last week stating that we were going to go the divorce route and stated why
    He said he was blocking me yet emailed me I don’t want to be bitter
    I am confused
    What is he thinking
    He wants to not work on us yet he does not sign docs
    What is going on here????

  • George Puckett August 23, 2016, 5:45 pm

    Women I am a man and I have done a few of these and I fully regret them al but they are right it was to help me cope us guys have 3 emotional states in a break up insecurity angre and pure sadness and we think we are doing good to help our selfs cope with the stress and issues we have without thinking about the consequences of the other in the relationship

  • Star August 21, 2016, 2:37 pm

    One thing that I am currently experiencing is when the guy dumps you because he has feelings for someone else ans gets in a relationship with the girl two days after the breakup and gets mad by taking it on his friend almost like he regrets his friend introducing me and him when it isn’t his friends fault he is the one that dumped me for someone else and now he gives me the cold shoulder guys are just weird I don’t understand this

  • Jess August 13, 2016, 5:56 am

    I find this true on how man react because they are to proud to feel heartbroken.Im going to a break up myself and it all strated from me leaving him and moved to a friends house because of an argument. At first couples of weeks he was blowing off my phone to come back home i explaned i need it time because i hated to argue almost all the time he so stubborn that it was not easy to be apart from each other…. later days pass by and stopped talking to me he even blocked me i went to look for him and the stuff where gone from the apartment we where living in and end it up pay for that month i was not living their. When i went Back to clean the apartment i found dress and sweater ask neighbors if he brought a girl over they said yes and a few times. I confrunted HIM ABOUT iT bad idea he keeped makinG exCUses of a friends gf change and left it tHeir but who know. Later i try working thinks out and he keeped telling me how he would want the same how he loves me but keeped pushinG me awaY found out he had been talking to a Girl suppose To make me jelouse but have not done anything with her but i was still blocked phone off. After that i just left him alone stoped calling him or text him. A moth after he calls me and i dont answer then texts me saying how he misses me and are daughter did not reply i call him back a day later i was still blocked. Guys always
    think with what they have in btw their legs on with their brain i know he loves me but he tries not to feel it.

  • Sikander July 10, 2016, 7:53 pm

    What if the guy takes it on himself to really reflect on what he did wrong, seek serious changes and changes himself? What if he doesn’t get angry or vindictive or nasty and tries to make the girl feel better or create respect for the time spent together without ego and uses the opportunity to really change himself whether she comes back or not? What if he doesn’t react to the bitter vengeful responses of the girl and shows that he respects himself, the girl and that he doesn’t blame himself because he did the best he could at the time a d niether blames the girl? What does that say about the guy? I did that and didn’t take the ego path or the needy grovelling path.

    • jas June 12, 2017, 1:31 am

      did the girl leave you (or) you left her??? and how long after the break up you got into new relationship???…how long(months, years) did it take you to get over all this???

  • Truendy(Gertrude) April 5, 2016, 3:59 pm

    Thnks uv helped me alot

  • Tammy Castro December 6, 2015, 11:37 am

    I appreciate that a break up can affect a guy and a girl in same ways. that is real life and when your heart is in on the hard work it takes to become a happy couple, an end to that can be devestating.

  • Rosalind Bowyer December 6, 2015, 11:29 am

    I have seen guys go into a downward spiral after a breakup. It is not a pretty sight.

  • Shawn Roberts December 4, 2015, 9:22 pm

    This is a great write up and one that I agree with and will most likely share with my friends!

  • Peggy Carter December 4, 2015, 9:12 pm

    My Ex did not seem to be a jerk, he was a total jerk around me for like a month after we broke up. It would have been so much easier if we didn’t see each other all the time.

  • Gary Brady December 2, 2015, 11:47 am

    When it comes to guys and breakups there seem to be many more personality types that take it poorly compared to that of the woman in break ups. Guess that is just part of our makeup.

  • Janet Goodman December 1, 2015, 12:36 pm

    The guy is a major jerk and that is why I dropped him to the curb!

  • Rosa Summer November 30, 2015, 9:54 am

    It is nice to see the effects from the other side of the coin. Men are going to take a break up just as hard if they have been putting as much as they can into it before the end.

    • Nancy Henderson December 2, 2015, 11:56 am

      It really opens your eyes right?

  • Vicki Helland November 30, 2015, 9:42 am

    Even though his reaction are not about me or the relationship, it is really hurtful that he makes comments and acts like nothing is wrong after a break up.

  • Charlene Harrison November 28, 2015, 9:30 am

    I met a guy that was terrible with a negative situation. We wouldn’t talk for days just because he wasn’t sure how to handle it and that got for hard to deal with.

    • Ashley Carpenter December 1, 2015, 12:46 pm

      that would be hard to deal with. did you ever find out what the issue was/

  • Heather Huseman November 26, 2015, 9:57 am

    Most of the guys I knew jump right into a relationship with others right away. I do not think that makes much sense if they are so “hurt”.

  • Marguerite George November 25, 2015, 9:24 am

    I have seen guys bounce from one girl to another after a breakup and that to me is just not ever a good thing.

  • Marjorie Roberts November 24, 2015, 9:47 am

    Guys are usually the tough ones in the relationship and also the ones that end it or mess up to the point it will end. It’s hard for me to believe they are taking it hard.

    • Carmen Bashaw November 26, 2015, 10:09 am

      Same goes for any relationship I have had. They are cheating on me and that ends it pretty quickly.

  • Sheila Creed November 24, 2015, 9:34 am

    I know guys that do not take break ups well. They will all of a sudden turn into this huge jerk and its more because he is upset about the breakup rather than being mad directly at you.

    • Lois Mann November 25, 2015, 9:42 am

      That is a good point. But some men are just jerks and are going to do this type of thing whether they care or not.

  • Tracy Matthews November 23, 2015, 7:47 am

    Good article. men should read this.

  • Ella Heuser November 23, 2015, 7:36 am

    Well, according to this post, it would seem they do not take it very well.

    • Brenda Hicks November 28, 2015, 9:40 am

      That is what I got from this post as well.

  • Michelle Enger November 19, 2015, 9:17 pm

    I can see if I broke up with a guy, but if they break up with me, they never seem to be too heartbroken!

  • Deborah Deleon November 19, 2015, 9:06 pm

    Well, what would you consider “TONS” of one night stands?

    • Anna McDowell November 20, 2015, 9:10 am

      For me, having 1 is more than enough.

  • Julie Williams November 18, 2015, 11:56 am

    there is a song that say you are going to have a bad time breaking up i just dont know the title now.

  • Cheryl Whitworth November 18, 2015, 11:46 am

    Why is it so hard to break up with a guy that has cheated on you?

    • Maybell Rathbone November 20, 2015, 9:24 am

      I find that is the EASY part. The hard part is trying to figure out if I failed.

  • Cynthia Palmer November 17, 2015, 8:17 am

    I am sure that if you are deep into a relationship with someone, it is going to be hard to leave that. You put so much into a relationship only to see it walk away from you at the last minute and it leaves you feeling dejected.

  • Dorothy Conlin November 17, 2015, 8:06 am

    I never understood why guys become major jerks when you break up with them. That just makes you look like an ass AND pretty much takes away any chance of getting back together with me.

    • KIM August 3, 2016, 10:01 pm

      I’m on your side Dorothy, I’ll NEVER, NEVER EVER, EVER, EVER go back with this guy I dating. I finally broke it of for good last week. He said some horrible, I mean horible things to me. No other guy I was dating nor had relationships with never said things to me that he said.

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