So you’re here because you want to know why guys run hot and cold.
It’s an unmistakable situation for anyone who’s been through it before.
He lays it on thick and absolutely ravishes you with attention and warmth – only to switch things up seemingly without any sort of provocation and freeze you out.
What happened? Why did he pull away? Was it something you did? Does he still like you? Did he ever really like you in the first place?
more: Why Do Men Pull Away?
Don’t worry – we’ll figure out the answers. Let’s get into the real reasons why guys run hot and cold.
Why Was He So Into Me One Day And Cold The Next?
There’s a couple different types of guys who go hot and cold. It all depends on what’s inside him driving him to act the way that he’s acting.
Generally, there are a few guys out there who go hot and cold on women just as a matter of instinct. They don’t even realize they’re doing it – it’s just how they relate to women.
They don’t even realize how it comes across or that it could hurt you or make you feel awful… and they’re not ever likely to change how they behave.
more: Why Do Men Withdraw When They’re Falling In Love?
Guys like that aren’t really worth talking about, because they’re pretty rare. They’re relatively few and far between compared to the other type of guy who runs hot and cold with women, and you can’t get them to change how they act (since they don’t even see how they’re acting as a problem).
Here’s Why Men Run Hot And Cold
When a guy runs hot and cold on you, it’s extremely likely that he’s actually acting out his own insecurity in the relationship (and driving you crazy in the process). When a guy comes on really really strong at the start of a relationship, only to back off later, it’s because he was insecure about how you felt about him, and then panicked when he realized that all his lovey-dovey behavior at the start would make you think you were in a committed relationship.
Take The Quiz: Is He Losing Interest?
Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Losing Interest” Quiz right now and find out if he’s really losing interest in you…
It’s either worth it to ride it out with that type of guy or not – if it’s not worth it then it’s better to let him go.
But there’s another, far more common type of guy who goes hot and cold on you.
more: The Top 3 Reasons Men Pull Away
The insecure guy.
Why Insecure Guys Run Hot And Cold On You
There’s a secret about guys that not many women know about. When a guy lays it on really thick at the beginning of a relationship, saying things like “I can’t believe how much I like you after only knowing you for this long…” or “I can’t believe how much I miss you right now,” when you just started dating, he doesn’t really mean what he’s saying.
He’s feeling strong emotions about you – but it’s not that he deeply misses you or that he likes you a “scary amount.”
Instead, those strong, overwhelming emotions in him are actually stemming from his own insecurity. He’s afraid that you don’t like him at all, and that anxiety is pushing him to find out right now exactly how much you like him.
So he goes over the top gushing about how much he likes you in order to figure out whether you feel the same way.
Guys who lead with things like “I can’t believe how strongly I feel about you,” really early in dating someone are trying to see what you’ll do in response. He’s hoping you tell him you feel the same way, but really what he’s doing is figuring out whether you’re into him or not.
more: What To Do When A Guy Withdraws
Now – I’m not saying his feelings aren’t real, and I’m not saying he’s doing this on purpose to torture you. The unconscious mind is a powerful thing, and men and women both are often driven by insecurity without realizing it consciously.
What I am saying is that when he comes on really strong at the beginning, he’s trying to establish how you feel about him. This is the “hot” portion of hot and cold, and you can probably guess what happens next…
more: Why Did He Pull Away After Sex?
Watch The Video: The Real Truth About Why Some Men Run Hot And Cold
Why He Starts Going ‘Cold’ On You All Of A Sudden
Let’s say you’ve been dating for a while, and you think this guy is really into you because of all the mushy intense things he’s been telling you.
Eventually, you start to feel the same way – and you let him know that yeah, you feel strongly about him too.
In the insecure guy’s mind, he’s achieved his goal. He finally knows exactly where he stands with you, and he knows that you’re into him.
more: What To Do When A Guy Doesn’t Text Back
He’s not worried you’re going to meet some new guy and be with him, and things between you are getting more and more comfortable. You have dates more often, you’re in contact more frequently, and it feels like you’re heading straight for a serious relationship.
Only now, his insecurity isn’t driving him to act over the top into you in order to figure out how you feel, since he already knows how you feel. He knows you’re into him.
Without his inner insecurity pushing him, he gets freaked out – “Oh no, everything I’ve said to her probably makes her think that we’re a couple, I need to do things that make her think we’re not in a relationship.”
more: Why Some Guys Withdraw After Sex
It’s as if everything up until this point has been pushing the scale one way, and now he’s freaking out and overreacting, trying to push the scale back the other way in order to keep things where he’s comfortable – i.e. where you’re ‘casually’ dating with no commitment from him.
So he’ll cancel plans, or flake on you, or let texts and phone calls go unanswered for days at a time.
To you, it feels like the world is falling. I thought he was really into me, why is he going so cold all of a sudden? Did I do something wrong?
more: How To Handle Hot And Cold Men
To him, he’s instinctively acting to try to show you that you’re not a couple, partially (or totally) oblivious to how it feels from your end.
Is that crappy? Yeah.
more: How To Tell If He Has Real Feelings For You
The first step towards not getting caught in the chaos of having a guy go hot and cold on you is understanding why he’s acting that way and where it’s coming from.
So the next time a guy goes over the top hot at the beginning of a relationship, you’ll understand why he’s acting that way and hopefully not get caught up in that particular mind game.
more: Guys Why Do You Play Hot And Cold?
And if you’re with a guy who’s going cold on you now, you now have way more insight into where his headspace is at, so that you can decide whether you want to pursue a relationship with him or not.
Want to find out if he’s really losing interest? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Losing Interest” Quiz right now and find out if he’s really losing interest in you…
It was very helpful and useful.
What if your married he’s happy one moment . His friend comes by I showered and such left him alone in the garage for a couple hours he comes inside pissed off I didn’t get him and then doesn’t even thank me for a smoothie I made him and is very distant but was very sweet and lovey before. I seriously am on verge of tears and some days calling it quits we have been together almost 10 years I’m not gonna ruin my 10 years on him if he doesn’t want me. When he’s like this I feel like he’s talking to someone else. I know he’s not but that’s what it feels like I hate it
Here’s food for thought:
If your relationship dynamic has you both feeling admired, appreciated, and sought-after, then both of you will probably feel quite sexy ( assuming no massive hang-ups you bring to the situation ) to each other. I’ve gone hot/cold on a woman who regularly blamed me with projection and threw signals that I didn’t understand about sex. Add to that my own inability to directly address the conversation without simply pissing her off and making her fly off the handle, and the end result was me always being uncertain of where she was at and I became hesitant, and likely to pull away if I got the impression that I was pushing the issue when she wasn’t eager.
I visited my boyfriend at his place,we’ve been good all along I’ve been with him for the past 5days then suddenly he starts acting cold on me what could be the reason please help
I was confused now I know the reason thank you
Thank you was confused now I know the reason
But to judge the situation more logically and rationally,… “pulling back because he doesn’t want her to think they’re in a commitment” isn’t this more of a douche move instead of an insecurity?
this article is a perfect example of an article that could be only a few lines but instead for some reason it’s expanded threefold or fourfold just by repeating the same thought again and again in different composition of words
Men have 10x more testosterone than women, and a daily cycle of high testosterone in the morning and low at night. The higher the testosterone, the more the aggressive or direct behaviour, and then it goes low, and the confidence level drops. A daily roller coaster ride of emotion.
Omg who gives a shot why do we have to babysit these pathetic nobodies 99% they’re ugly, then they play games even when you give them a chance… do us a favour guys remove your flawed selves from the gene pool please. I am done working around baby behaviour
i run hot or cold because the woman complains i’m too needy if i give her too much attention so i have to pull back. it’s not intentional, it’s just that i don’t want to appear desperate, so she thinks i’m low status.
this is also very common to men, running hot & cold and most of the time it’s not even the fault of women
i can definitely relate to this. most of the time, we just don’t realize our own mistakes
i believe this to be true. women should learn from this.
now i know why sometimes he’s acting so weird
this gave me an idea on what is really happening to my boyfriend right now. i’m gonna try to fix this, wish me luck!
this is a great help to me. i’m really confused right now and this somehow made sense of everything.
thanks for this info, i actually learned from it
insecurity ruins everything. why is this so common with men?
It’s due to expectations I believe
men do this all the time, i think it’s crazy
wow, i didn’t realize this stuff until now. thanks for sharing!
i hope he doesn’t do this to me
ugh, i hate it when insecure men would try to manipulate you and control the relationship
thank you for posting this. it made me realize a lot of things.
they just do it all the time!
some men are just too afraid to get more serious and committed.
this is so true, i just experienced this and now i’m moving on.
this is so common for men. women should be aware of what happens and what to do.
there are men who would normally run hot and cold.
As a guy, I admit I am this guy! I no it’s wrong and I admit that I am a jerk! But deep down I want a relationship and I do want to trust! I just can’t do it! When I talk to a girl I really like, I am really in pursuit of her. But when she shows to be interested in me, I get this feeling she will dump me further on down the line. Maybe it’s a feeling I have when my mother divorce my dad when I was young. But I will pull back hard on her and I know I am wrong!
In 2015 I fell in love with someone that I wanted to marry! That was the first time I ever fell in love with someone! I am 40 by the way, if that tells you something. Karma did catch up to me though she left me for her drug addict ex.
Basically what I am saying here to watch out for the signs ladies. If he pushes hard for a relationship at the beginning, something is off he is just trying to establish that you will not leave! But when you get close, he will drop You!
Me personally, I will never ever date again or get into a relationship. I am better off alone. But apart of me wants that marriage and a family! I just can’t do it! Just my 2 cents ladies, yes I know I have a problem! But please don’t crucify me to much on here!
WOW!! Corey on point! Exactly how my ex treated me.. pushed hard and chased me flat out at the start.. then when I fell for him things back fired and he dropped me. He broke up a month ago saying he doesnt want the same things but still loves me, after a week we were back seeing each other.. its like we are back to where we were at the start im hoping it progresses but doesnt seem like it. Hes hot and cold all the time.. he was that way when we were together though.. hes 45, (im 35) maybe hes going through a midlife crisis. At the moment I am just riding the wave, taking it day by day and see what happens.
yes, there are some men, who won’t admit that they make mistakes and leaved you, but when you move on, they came back and forth. insercurity guys are often act this way. they either can ‘t figure out what they want or don’t want to loose you either.
give him a break. men are totally different beings compared to us, women.
there are men who would rather run away from a situation in their relationships rather than face it head on and resolve it. it’s just really messed up when they choose to run hot & cold and then eventually leave you
wow, now i know. thanks!
it’s not always your fault , so don’t fret and go crazy thinking about what you may have done.
wow, this is too deep and yet very enlightening. thanks for your input.
i’ve learned a lot from this article. thanks for opening my eyes and making me understand better
this is very common for men to happen. women should really be informed to avoid the pain and heartaches in the end
thanks for choosing this topic, this is exactly where i’m at with my boyfriend :(
there are many reasons but there are also things we can do to avoid this happening in our relationships
thanks for this post..i kinda learned something new here.