A lot of women come to me asking, “How do I get the man I want to chase after me again?”
My answer is usually something along the lines of, “Tie him to the back of your car and start driving,” because that will probably go just as well for the relationship as trying to make him chase you.
Trying to make him “chase” you is actually a terrible relationship mistake.
What women are really asking when they ask me this question is: “How do I get him interested in me again and how do I make our relationship good again?”
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And the answer to that question is simple.
It’s All About Compatibility
This has everything to do with your fundamental compatibility with him.
If as human beings you don’t naturally compliment each other and just “click” together on a fundamental level, no amount of work or trying to make him “chase” you is going to turn a bad match into a good one.
I know that sounds harsh – but think about it this way:
Pretend you’re running a company, and you’ve got two employees.
The first employee shows up every day excited to do the work. He constantly wants to learn more about the process, he never misses a deadline, and he’s genuinely excited to do the work every day.
For him, work doesn’t feel like work – because he loves doing it. There’s a good chance he’d be doing this exact kind of thing if he wasn’t getting paid.
On the other hand, the other employee is only showing up because of the paycheck.
He doesn’t really care about the job, and even if he got fired he wouldn’t really care – he could just take it or leave it.
Here’s the point: you can put all your effort and time towards trying to turn a bad employee into a good one… but the truth is that there’s no amount of motivation and no amount of effort that will turn someone who doesn’t want to be there into someone who does want to be there.
So the question is, why would you choose to be with someone who doesn’t really want to be there?
By the way, this isn’t about gender. This isn’t a man thing or a woman thing, this is a human thing. The same thing would apply if this were a guy that was trying to get a woman who wasn’t interested in him to chase him.
It’s Got Nothing To Do With “The Chase”
So as you can see, having a good relationship has nothing to do with making him chase you. No amount of making him “chase” after you will turn a guy who doesn’t want to be there into a guy who does want to be there.
Guys don’t stick around because they love the chase – they stay because the relationship is quality. Would it make any sense that good relationships happened because the woman figured out how to make the man chase after her for the rest of his life?
Here’s the bottom line: let’s assume you’re compatible with him.
Even if you’re the best match on the planet, if you have the mindset that he should be chasing you, you will sabotage an otherwise happy, healthy relationship and make him withdraw from you.
That mindset says that you should do things you wouldn’t normally do to try to make him chase after you and elicit a reaction. It says that if you don’t get the reaction you’re looking for, you’re going to get upset.
It says that you expect him to do stuff he might not want to do to make you happy. And it says that you should only do things for him because you expect a reward for doing them.
That mindset is poisonous to love, and it’s a mistake that will destroy even a very strong relationship.
Instead, here’s the mindset to adopt that will attract love into your life. Only do things because you genuinely want to do them.
If you’re happy doing something just because you want to do it, not because you’re looking for a response or a payment, then do it and do it joyfully!
If you think about things in terms of him “owing” you for things that you’ve done – you’re not acting out of joy or generosity.
Instead, you’re tallying up his emotional “debt” to you and resenting him when he doesn’t pay you his “debt” – and you become what I like to call a debt collector.
When you make your interactions with him a means to an end – you’re not interacting with him or treating him like a person – you’re using him to get something for yourself.
It’s the most selfish, dehumanizing thing to do to someone. You’re reducing him to someone who exists only to gratify your ego and pay off the “debts” you put on him.
So How Do You Make Him Happy?
At this point, you know what to do to avoid a bad relationship – but you might be wondering, “What do I do to make him happy and have a good relationship?”
Here’s the good news: men are really simple.
How To Really Make Him Chase You
Guys are so simple, having a great relationship and making him chase after you becomes the same thing. Once you know this secret, you won’t ever need him to chase you again. Here’s the secret: If it feels good in the moment – men move towards it. If it doesn’t feel good in the moment, men move away from it. That’s it. It holds true over time, so if on the whole it feels good – he’ll keep moving towards it. If on the whole it feels bad, he’s going to move away from it.
When you have a relationship that feels good moment to moment, he’s going to keep moving towards it. Like I said, simple.
Finally – there’s a huge trap that can derail even the strongest relationships: when people think that it’s ok to stop dating each other.
The things that got him interested in you in the first place are the things that keep him interested and happy over time.
If you were working hard to stay in shape and look good when he was first attracted to you, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that if you stop doing those things you might get less good results.
Remember – making him “chase” you is a fool’s errand – all it will do is make the relationship feel bad for him, and make him move away from it.
If you want your relationship to be great, it’s all about two things: compatibility, and quality of connection. If you’re compatible with each other, and you strive to make each moment with each other as good as it can be – your relationship will naturally be great.
The biggest problem most women face is that for a very specific reason the man they want no longer feels the desire to chase her anymore. He withdraws from the relationship, goes cold or becomes distant which is a death spiral where he keeps pulling away more and more and she keeps desperately trying to get his attention and interest back while he’s pulling away. The next step is very simple read this article: If He’s Pulling Away, Do This…
Want to find out if he’s really losing interest? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Losing Interest” Quiz right now and find out if he’s really losing interest in you…
Great article I was dating a guy that was hot with me in the beginning but he started to pull away as time went by. This was driving me insane and i thought i lost him forever but I learned exactly what to do and now we’re official! Check out makehimaddicted.com on how to make him commit to you.
I’m breaking my no comment rule to say what a great article this is. I was so surprised that this kind of advice was coming from a chick that I immediately scrolled up to check her other articles out only to discover you’re a dude. Lol.
I agree. I am a cougar and I love men.
I have an illness and my health deteriorated, he really was not that concerned, but still kept coming round , did not seem to realise my energy levels were not as they used to be and expected me to do the things we used to do, he is an energetic type and was becoming more and more wrapped up in a time consuming hobby, a hobby that I also shared but in a slightly more relaxed way. I had to end the relationship because I could not cope anymore. He now has a new girlfriend about 32 yrs his junior!
This is very helpful.
What is with the chase, if he doesn’t like you, forget it he will never chase you.
you’ve gotten the point and THIS___is a real one.
It’s just that, we MEN, we never want to say a big NO to a gal and some of us don’t just know how to TAKE control from a gal and stay with it. l feel that, the more a guy just REFUSES to do this stupid ”chasing stuff” the more the gal will feel herself out of control and if she likes you she will try as much as she can to have the ”foolish chase”. At this point, if the guy is wise enough, he will get in control and the girl will got no choice than to do the chase.
I don’t think anyone like ”chasing” a gal.
I for one, l hate all these chasing. i can sense if a gal like me or not. If she likes me, i can do the ”chase” in a light way just for a while and then STOP. Then move to someone else.
I beleive that a gal that wants the chase is not interested so, isn’t worth to be chased.
I recently tried this on 2 different guys with 2 different situations. Let’s just say with new guy I avoided him and would only text back after a day or couple days. I made plans for a Friday and told him we would meet up but never called. We finally did hang out then when I gave a little attention he played the hard to get. Now I’m pulling back to teach him who is in control. Second guy dated last year an in hs and fell head over him this time around. Thought if I pumped him up and told him how much I enjoyed his time and sex it would make him crave more seeing he is a semi narcissist. I learned quickly he gets bored easily but one thing he showed caught his attention was silence and ignoring his behaviors. It can be exhausting to play the game but you must sometimes in your life or all the time. Relationships and men are 2 different topics. Men can be toyed with and desire to chase you if you committed to not giving in for while. It took me 20 years to learn the dynamics of the typical man. I Will now play a little and test some theories. In the end my main goal is to always be chased and never do the chasing
She REMANDS to be chased! How wonderfully entitled! Good thing that men are changing all this!
Emotional debt can be the end of any relationship, even if things look like they are going the right way.
Commenting here after 2 years… oh boy how right you are. I was in a relationship with a man 15 years older than me and I was great, but still we broke up because he had a long and hard marriage (with death of one child) and a bitter divorce. Huge emotional debt, as you put it.
Play hard to get. Even if you have been in a relationship for a while, pushing him away or playing hard to get for a day or two will have him coming back for more as soon as he can!
I have been taking myself out of situations like this my whole life. It has just been easier than wondering if I’m coming or going when it comes to guys.
No need for the “chase”. The guys are there, just go out and get them :)
That is the attitude that I like. It is up to us, the WOMEN, to get them. Good luck!
Guys chasing me is a annoying sometimes. I just want to be left alone and ready to choose a guy when the time is right for ME.
I agree that the chase is a minor part. When I was in high school and college, I was hoping guys would be chasing me around, but that was then. I am in my early 30’s and it would be nice to just meet a guy that is not a jerk….period.
I wouldn’t mind a guy chasing me around a little. I know it does not always happen, but back in college, it seemed to happen all the time.
Chasing woman around is a thing of the past. There are so many other ways to get to know a person that you have a crush on these days. I would like want men chasing me around anyways.
I agree that it is not about the chase. If you just want guys to chase you around, then you are not really serious about any type of relationship.
That is the way that I feel about it. Good point!
How do you make him happy? I have a few ways that are usually fool proof :)
Very well written. This post has really opened my eyes about getting guys to notice me.
Woman should just realize that men are not always going to chase them and if they are trying to get them to, it is very obvious to us. That’s all I am saying.
I just wait it out. I try not to push things and eventually the right things happen with the right person, right?
That is not a bad mindset to have.
I assume this is after a break up? In that case, it might seem like you have the smell of defeat, but some men like that.
“smell of defeat”? LOL. That’s nice!
It might sound funny, but I know exactly what you are talking about.
I think you are right. It does not have anything to do with the chase, that is so old school. Good post!
I agree with you. Getting guys to chase you is so much work that is hardly worth it in the end.
If you find yourself not getting the guys you used to, maybe it is time for a makeover? Everyone loves a makeover :)
That is a GREAT excuse to have one :)
I personally do not like the “chase”. I would prefer to just have it the way it is and skip all of the running around.
I often wonder about this. I just got out of a relationship and it seems that I must have a mark on my head because I cannot get the attention of any guy!
That has something to do with how you are carrying yourself . If you have been out of the “game” for a while, you might want to re-adjust yourself back into single life before you get to be too hard on yourself.