So you want to know how to keep a man.
How to make him want to be with you and only you. How to create a bond that lasts, where he never loses interest and wants to stay with you for the rest of your days.
When faced with this question, a common reaction is to go searching on the internet for ‘things to do’ that will help you keep a man. After all, keeping a man is about doing the right things, right?
Keeping a man isn’t about doing a few things off of a list that you read online. Keeping a man is about the nature of your relationship.
The simple truth is, relationships that are built to last, last.
If your relationship is built to last from the beginning, it will go the distance.
Relationships that are flawed from the beginning (or enter a death spiral during the relationship) don’t last.
If you try to take a relationship that was built on a shaky foundation and turn it into one that lasts, where you “keep” your man, you’re going to have a really hard time.
In fact, the best way to have a relationship that lasts, and to ‘keep’ your man, is to build it that way from the beginning.
So here’s what I’m going to do:
Take The Quiz: Is He Losing Interest?
I’m Going To Show You How To Keep A Man
I did a ton of research of what all the experts say arethe best ways to keep a man.
Some of it is good advice! Some people out there know what they’re talking about.
On the other hand, most of it is terrible advice.
I’m going to give you my advice first, so that you know what to do to keep a man and how to set up a relationship so that it goes the distance.
Then, I’m going to tell you about the terrible, awful, no good, very bad advice that I found online that you should absolutely ignore (or follow at your own peril).
So let’s start with the good advice:
The Good Advice For Keeping A Man By Your Side
1. Find Out What He’s Interested In
It’s always a good idea to find out what he’s interested in, what he likes, what truly ‘lights him up inside’ when he talks about it.
Why is this so important? Because finding out what he’s truly interested in is the best way to deeply connect with him.
When a man talks about one of his deep interests – you can practically see him light up.
Guys love to talk about the things they’re really interested in. They jump at the chance to talk about them, explore them, and show them to others.
If you give him the opportunity to talk about what really lights him up inside, he’ll feel closer to you than ever – because he can share the things that he likes the most with you.
2. Give Him Space When He Needs It
I’ve seen insecurity ruin more relationships than I can count.
I mentioned relationships going into death spirals before. What I mean by that is when a relationship is going along well, and then something happens that makes the woman feel like he’s pulling away from her.
At that point, the entire dynamic of the relationship changes. It’s no longer about feeling comfortable, happy, and relaxed around each other. Instead, her words and actions are dictated by fear of loss rather than by what feels natural.
She’s so afraid of losing him that she will subconsciously say and do things intended to pull him back to her and keep him close. Unfortunately, those things always have the opposite intended effect, pushing him away instead of pulling him closer.
The relationship enters a death spiral, where the woman feels more and more panicked that he’s pulling away, and tries harder and harder to pull him closer to her – while the guy feels more and more smothered and drifts away further and further.
See what I mean by death spiral? Most relationships can’t take that kind of strain, and fall apart.
The simple, easy way to avoid that is to give him space when he needs it. That means being ok with him seeming distant for a few days.
After all, guys grow distant for a million reasons. Maybe he’s swamped at work, or dealing with a family issue, or struggling with one of a million other things. By letting him have the space he needs, you let him work through whatever he has to work through, and come back to you refreshed and delighted to be there.
3. Try To Always Look And Feel Your Best
It’s a fact of the world that guys are visual creatures – but that actually means something different than you might think.
When a lot of women hear that, they assume that guys are only attracted to supermodels – that there’s an impossible standard of beauty and perfection that they’re expected to live up to, and if they don’t then they’ll never keep the guy they want.
This is in fact completely untrue. While women tend to think that guys focus on their physical flaws, men actually focus on a woman’s best physical attributes.
In other words, he’s not focusing on the things you hate about your body – he’s focusing on the things he loves about your body.
That means that no matter what you look like, if he’s attracted to you he will stay attracted to you – as long as you focus on being the best version of yourself that you can be, and focus on feeling good about yourself – no matter what you look like.
Guys don’t need physical perfection in a relationship, that’s just something that magazines tell you over and over to sell you products you don’t need.
Instead, guys crave a woman who feels good about herself – who knows that she looks good and has the confidence to match.
That’s what’s truly attractive to a guy – and that’s what keeps him interested over the long term.
So if you just focus on being the best version of yourself that you can be, and feeling comfortable in your own skin, you’ll be deeply attractive to him.
4. Find Out Who He Is And How Compatible You Are
Compatibility is the #1 most important aspects to being in a relationship that lasts. If you’re not compatible, you’re trying to build a relationship on top of a flawed foundation – and that’s going to come back and bite you in the end.
Remember when I said that relationships that are flawed from the beginning tend not to last? I meant it. If you’re not compatible with each other, every day will feel like an uphill struggle.
You’ll struggle to communicate without fighting. You’ll struggle to find things to do, or even things to talk about. You’ll struggle to make your true feelings known without getting your feelings hurt.
A relationship between incompatible people just plain feels hard – like you’re having to fight every day to keep the relationship going. Many people get fooled into thinking that’s how relationships are supposed to be… because that’s all they’ve ever known.
The truth is, a relationship between truly compatible people doesn’t feel hard – it feels easy. It’s easy to spend time with them, to talk to them, to communicate your feelings with them. It always feels like you’re on the same team.
So when you find out who he really is, deep down, you’ll be able to tell how compatible you really are as a couple, and whether your relationship is truly built to last.
5. Don’t Be Afraid To Experiment
There’s no relationship on earth that doesn’t improve with a little bit of experimentation now and again.
That’s because the comfort zone is a real place – and one where personal growth rarely, if ever, occurs. Getting stuck in your comfort zone is a real thing that happens.
The truth is, life happens outside your comfort zone. If he’s willing to push his, it’s good to be open to pushing yours.
If you try something new and it’s not your thing – that’s ok! Either way, you tried something new. If it is, great! You’ve pushed the boundaries of your comfort zone and found something you really liked.
Plus, if you show that you’re willing to open up your comfort zone, he’ll be more willing to open his to try things that you’re interested in.
6. Live And Cherish Your Lives Outside The Relationship
This is great advice to follow – you both should live your lives to the fullest outside the relationship.
He has to have a life outside of you and outside of the relationship in order to be happy, just like you have to have a life outside of him and outside of the relationship.
A relationship isn’t meant to be the sole source of happiness and joy in a person’s life. If it is, it winds up feeling more like an obligation than a joyful union – and that kind of pressure chokes the life out of it.
Relationships are meant to be the icing on the cake… not the cake itself. If the relationship is the sole thing you rely on in order to be happy, your partner will feel the strain, and vice versa.
The best way to keep a relationship feeling great is for both partners to have happy, fulfilling lives outside of the relationship – so that they can come to the relationship already feeling happy and fulfilled, and join their happiness with that of their partner to make their relationship as amazing as it can be.
7. Let Him Know How Much You Appreciate Him
One of the biggest traps that I see people in relationships fall into is based entirely around communication.
That is, partners in relationships sometimes think that they’re communicating love and affection with their partner, when in reality their partner doesn’t feel loved or appreciated.
There are a million different reasons why this happens across relationships. I like Dr. Gary Chapman’s work on Love Languages – basically he says that people give and receive love in different ways, and everyone likes to receive love in the same way that they give it.
So, for instance, if one partner primarily shows love through gifts, and the other partner primarily shows love through caring actions – it’s possible that they’re not communicating the love that they think they are in the relationship. (And it’s also possible that each thinks the other doesn’t love or appreciate them as much as they would want).
The best way to make sure he knows how much you love and appreciate him is by showing him love in the same way that he shows you love… even if that’s not necessarily the way you instinctively show love. That way, he’ll feel love from you as strongly as you feel it for him.
8. Match His Level Of Commitment
This is maybe the biggest problem I see from day to day in relationships, and the one that possibly causes the greatest amount of heartbreak.
I see so many women commit themselves to a man completely – without getting the same level of commitment from him.
I’ve gone over this concept at length in other articles, (read more about it here), but the long story short is that many women fall into the trap of behaving like they’re in a committed relationship with a man they hope will commit to them – when in fact that behavior makes it more unlikely that he actually commits.
The logic goes that if she just shows him how good a committed relationship will be, he’ll want to commit. Unfortunately, human nature doesn’t work that way, and the result is that he will move further away from committing to her, because he knows she’s not going anywhere even though he hasn’t committed himself.
Again, I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty here, but suffice it to say that committing yourself to a man who hasn’t committed himself to you removes a lot of the incentive that causes a man to commit to an exclusive relationship.
The best way to avoid this trap is to match his level of commitment exactly – so if he’s not committing to an exclusive relationship with you, you’re not committing to an exclusive relationship with him. If he’s not ruling out seeing other people, neither are you.
At that point, one of two things happens: either he gets worried he’s going to lose you and locks you down, or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t – that sucks, but at least you know for sure that he was never going to commit to you. If he does – great, you’re in an exclusive relationship.
That’s all the good advice that’s out there about how to keep a man, now let’s touch on all the awful advice out there on the subject:
The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Advice About Keeping A Man
1. Play Games To Keep Him Intrigued
This advice tells women not to be a completely open book – rather to ‘give the relationship time to simmer’ by being mysterious, holding back, and playing games.
This is not good advice – it’s basically telling you to act in an unnatural way around him to try to get him ‘chasing you’… when that’s the opposite of what creates a great foundation for a relationship that’s built to last.
He shouldn’t feel awkward, nervous, or uncomfortable around you – he should feel the opposite. He should feel like he’s at home, like he can be his true self, like he can trust you to let his guard down.
If you’re trying to play games to keep him interested and acting unnaturally, he’ll pick up on it really quickly – and that will put his guard up faster than you can blink.
So don’t try to play games at the start of a relationship – focus on being in the best mood you can be in when you’re with him and enjoying yourself. When you do that, you both feel comfortable and relaxed, which allows intimacy and trust to grow.
2. Don’t Do Anything Sexual Until You’re Close And Comfortable
Look, a lot has been written about when the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ times to have sex are in dating.
I don’t have too much to add on the subject – because I think that ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ are totally subjective and different for every single person.
If you try to apply a one size fits all rule to this very sensitive topic, it winds up messing you up and making things feel weird or unnatural.
So my advice here is – ignore the advice about when the ‘right’ time to have sex is. Just go with what feels natural, what you’re comfortable with, and what you want to do in the moment.
If you act naturally and do what you naturally want to do, you’ll be doing the right thing.
3. Don’t Be Easily Available
There’s something to be said for having your own life – in fact I talked about it earlier in this article as a great way to keep a man in a relationship.
But that advice doesn’t mean you should artificially limit your time with him – then you’re just playing games (which is usually the exact wrong thing to do in a relationship).
Artificially trying not to be ‘easily available’ (whatever that means) leads you to act unnaturally – which he will pick up on and will stunt the growth of the relationship.
The nugget of good advice in this is to have your own life, like I talked about earlier. If he stands you up or doesn’t text you back in time to make plans, then move forward with your own plans rather than waiting with the phone for him to get back to you.
If you’re waiting by the phone for him to text you he’ll take you for granted and you’ll start to resent him – it’s a bad road to go down.
Instead, if he doesn’t get back to you to make plans, make plans with a friend or do something that you wanted to do anyway, and if he finally gets back to you hours later, tough luck – you’ve already got plans.
4. Make Him Dependent On You
I swear – this is real advice that someone wrote for women to follow: “Try to make him think he can’t live without you.”
There’s a term for that – it’s called a codependent relationship. This is terrible, terrible advice.
Do you really want to be with someone who can’t live without you, who leans on you for 100% of his support and needs you just to keep going and wake up and face the day?
That’s not a partner, that’s a child!
Both partners should have happy fulfilling lives outside the relationship, and when they come together they can enjoy being together and sharing their lives together.
He shouldn’t feel like he can’t live without you, that would smother you and make you feel like it’s a burden and a responsibility to support him.
That kind of dynamic sinks a relationship – deep down no one truly wants to be the sole person responsible for another person’s happiness.
Instead, you should be together because you’re better together than apart, because you genuinely enjoy being with each other, because you love being with each other. Not because you’re dependent on each other to make it through the day. Codependence is bad, stay far, far away from this advice.
That’s it! Those are the best (and worst) pieces of advice when it comes to keeping a man. If you have any questions for me, leave them in the comments below and I’ll take a look.
Want to find out if he’s really losing interest? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Losing Interest” Quiz right now and find out if he’s really losing interest in you…