OK, today, we’re going to talk about something that’s a bit uncomfortable.
We’re going to talk about cutting people out of your life.
And that’s scary! After all, you cared about this person!
Maybe you were super close friends for a while that told each other everything.
Maybe you used to bang and also had lots of feelings and junk for each other but then broke up and now you kind of still keep in touch and try to be friends.
Maybe they’re someone you stalk in the bushes outside their house and they don’t even know you’re best friends!
Whoever they are – there sometimes comes a point where your life would be better without them in it.
And yeah, that’s scary!
But hanging onto a relationship with someone just because you used to be really close isn’t a good enough reason. Neither is staying friends with someone just because it’s comfortable.
Take The Quiz: Should You Break up With Him?
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And no, fear isn’t a good enough reason either. If you’re keeping someone in your life because you’re afraid of being alone, or because you’re worried they know your deep dark secrets and will hold them over your head, or because you think you’ll wind up regretting the decision – you’re fooling yourself. It’s time to let them go.
Because your life will be better when you’re not pretending anymore.
Because someone who isn’t contributing to your life is actually taking away from it.
Because sometimes, it’s just time to cut ties with someone.
Here are 8 good reasons why letting someone go is the right decision:
1. You’re Not Sure What You Mean To Them
If you’re spending your time with someone who doesn’t make you feel appreciated, who doesn’t seem happy and excited to be close to you, who doesn’t seem to like spending time with you… well then why are you spending time with them?
Friends should be encouraging! They should make you feel appreciated and they should want to spend time with you.
If they don’t, if they make you feel like hanging out is a favor they’re doing for you, or worse, even put you down and make you feel bad about yourself, they’re not your friend anymore, if they ever even were.
It’s time to cut the cord and move on.
2. You’re The Only One Putting In Effort
Friendship, like a relationship, is a two way street. Both people need to want to be there, both people need to put in the effort, and both people need to want to keep pushing things forward for it to work.
If you’re spending time with someone who doesn’t put in any effort, who makes everything about them, who makes you do things on their terms only… that doesn’t sound like a very good friendship. It sounds like you’re being used.
Find a person to spend time with that really, genuinely enjoys being with you – and puts in the same amount of effort that you do or more. You’re worth someone who cares enough to give a crap.
Related: Top 6 Relationship Red Flags
3. You Don’t Trust Them Anymore
You know what the best relationships, friendship or otherwise, are built on? It’s not laughter. It’s not good times. It’s not common interests.
It’s the ability to trust them with your secrets. It’s knowing that they have your back, no matter what. It’s knowing in your heart of hearts that they’re going to be loyal to you.
If you can’t honestly tell yourself that you trust them, why even waste time with them? It’s time for you to cut them out of your life.
Take this quiz and find out Is He Cheating?
4. Things Just Aren’t The Same As They Were
The one constant in this world is change.
Anything and everything is constantly changing, and that includes people. Two people that clicked so well years ago, a year ago, even 6 months ago could feel like complete strangers today.
And that’s because no matter what, everyone is constantly changing. Two best friends can grow apart totally naturally without even noticing it happening. Two lovers can turn into different people right before their eyes.
And sometimes, the person they become isn’t a person you want to be close to.
If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll realize that it’s OK that you both changed, and that you don’t really enjoy spending time with them anymore. And you’ll realize that it’s OK to stop spending time with them.
5. It Hurts To Be In A Friendship Or Relationship With Them
Friendships and relationships should be sources of joy, not pain. They should be something that makes your life better, happier, more enjoyable instead of something that brings you down.
So if you find yourself dreading the time you spend with them, if you feel like you always feel like crap after hanging out with them, if you get hurt and put down every time you spend time with them, well then cut them out.
Life’s too short to spend time with people who don’t respect you and make you feel crappy. If they’re going to put you down and make you unhappy, you don’t need them in your life.
Take this quiz and find out Is He Selfish?
6. You’re Not Getting What You Need From It
People are friends and more with each other because it feels good. Because other people can fill needs in your life that you didn’t even know existed.
But when a relationship stops being rewarding to you – when it stops giving you what you need and becomes more about what the other person needs, it might be time to pull the plug.
Take a moment and honestly think about it – if you never saw this person again, would you be crushed? Or could you live with it?
Then make your decision accordingly.
More: Every Woman Deserves These 4 Things From A Man
7. You Can’t Agree About Anything Anymore
Just as people change, so do their opinions. A libertarian can become a liberal. A devout Christian can become an atheist.
Someone who hates broccoli can turn into someone who loves broccoli.
Whatever it is, if you find that you can’t agree with them about anything anymore, it’s time to end things.
I’m not saying to surround yourself with people who think exactly like you, but if you can’t agree about ANYTHING, and constantly find yourself arguing, what’s the point of spending time with them?
8. They Don’t Give You Encouragement Or Believe In You
Friends and relationships are about mutual support. They’re about helping the other person achieve their goals and become the best version of themselves that they can be.
If they’re not doing that, and what’s more if they don’t even believe in you, why even be friends with them? What’s the point of being around someone who doesn’t believe in you, who doesn’t support you, who doesn’t want you to grow and achieve your goals?
Nothing, that’s the point. They’re only going to hold you back.
And that brings me to the conclusion. At the end of the day, we only have so much time on this earth, and so many people we can spend that time with.
Do you want to look back on your life and think “Well, I didn’t like a lot of the people I spent time with, but at least I never abandoned someone”?
Or do you want to look back and think, “I spent time with the people I truly cared about and who truly mattered to me.”
If you loved this article, then check out these other must-see related posts:
Why Letting Go of Feeling Wronged Is So Right
Confront Your Toxic Relationships
Want to find out for sure if you should break up with him? Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Should You Break up With Him” Quiz right now and find out if you should really break up with him…
Take The Quiz: Should You Break up With Him?
The Biggest Reasons To Let Go Of Toxic People
- You’re not sure what you mean to them
- You’re the only one putting in effort
- You don’t trust them anymore
- Things just aren’t the same as they were
- It hurts to be in a friendship or relationship with them
- You’re not getting what you need from it
- You can’t agree about anything anymore
- They don’t give you encouragement or believe in you
I came to realise that all of my friends are fake friends and they betrayed me, dropped me when I really needed them. Throwing my insecurities back in my face at the first opportunity: the fact that I don’t have a job right now because I’m in treatment for my depression, the fact that I currently don’t have a significant other and that things in general are not going so well for me right now. They twisted it around and threw it back in my face when we were having a conversation about our friendship.
I felt left behind after I had told them about my depression 1 year and a half earlier; one by one they wouldn’t return my calls amymore and then it was just silent for 1 year and a half. I was completely on my own. And out of the blue they said they wanted to go on holiday somewhere to celebrate our 10 year anniversary as best friends (we were a group of 4 girls). And I was hesitant, because in all realness: I didn’t know if I wanted to go on holiday with people that dropped me faster than the speed of light when I needed them. I went through so much stuff on my own and there was not 1 phonecall. And when I called them they hadn’t picked up or called me back in the past two years. So for me this celebration just didn’t seem sincere. It just didn’t feel right. So I first said I didn’t have any money and that they should go without me, because I didn’t want to start something, because I knew that if I said something along the lines of what I really was thinking; they would get really defensive, because the fact is: they too knew that they didn’t call me for almost two years.
So as they conversation went on and they kept trying to push me to take part in the celebration and I kept on making random socially acceptable excuses, there came a point where one of them just said: “Do you just don’t want to celebrate thing thing with us?” And slowly I tried to give them my reasons, nicely wrapped so that it wouldn’t be offensive, but to give them my truth at the same time. After all, if they really want to know, I want to be honest with them. And so eventually I said “I feel like we’ve grown apart and than we’ve become more like Acquaintances. “I mean I knew nothing about their lives anymore and they knew nothing about my life. Some of them had apparently bought their first house in the meanwhile or travelled or changed jobs. We knew nothing about one another and above all: they ignored me in my time of need, but I left that all out of the conversation. What happened next was an explosion of attacks: They said things out of the blue like: “It’s not my fault that I have a job and a boyfriend!” “You’re just saying this because you’re depressed and unhappy” “You’re behaving like this because you don’t have a job. If you’d have a job you wouldn’t be saying this.” “It’s not my fault that I have a life.” “I have a job, a boyfriend and in-laws okay!” They were super angry at me and one of them even demanded that I’d confirm that we were best friends or she’d bever speak to me again. In the end I ended up apologising to all of them for having said what I said (basically for sharing my honest thoughts). They accepted my apologies and ignored me collectively after that.
And now one of them is trying to set up a group hang and invited my ex, while she knows that that makes me very uncomfortable. He and I were a very serious thing, we were together for a very long time and it’s been seven years and I still love him like the live of my lufe until this day. He and I are on good terms, but we made the dicision not to follow each other on social media to avoid any jealousy or getting hurt. Years after we were over I also had to seperate our group of friends for some space, because there was just no getting over him if we were still involved in each others lives through what friends and fam saw on his facebook or instagram and then (even if I asked them not to) gave me all of the info about his life. So I asked my friends to unfollow him on social media, because we were over for a long time now and they’re not even friends with him in real life and I needed my friends to be my safe haven and he had his. And also because my ‘friends’ kept informing me about his life with things I didn’t want to hear.
For example, this former best friend that invited my ex for a grouphang (mind you she’s ignored me for 3 years, she follows my entire life on every social media, she follows the lives of my entire family on facebook and has added everyone I know in her facebook and instagram and likes all of their posts, But still ignors me? ) and now invites my ex, while ignoring me. This girls is also the one who (when we were still friends) snooped on the Facebook of my ex and could not wait to shove in my face that he had a new girlfriend, with a huge grin on her face. And now when she invited him to hang out last week, in front of my own eyes in a very old group conversation on Messenger that I was also in.
I confronted her. I called her, but she didn’t pick up. And then I sent her a message, saying: “Why do you think it’s a good idea to invite my ex to hang out?” to which she replied: “Hahahagaga”. People is it me or is she like just evil? I don’t get this lack of loyalty and it really hurts me on a deeper level coming from one of my so called best friend of 12 years. So I sent back to her: “I don’t get that you think it’s funny to hurt my feelings. You ignore me, but you invite my ex. The one that I asked all of my friends to leave behind. I know that we are not talking at this moment, but we’ve been friends for over 10 years. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? How would you feel if I invited you’re ex, to go hang out together or to include him in a grouphang in a group with our mutual friends? How can you be like that?” She didn’t reply.
I ended up giving up I was just so sad, especially because my ex, who I just started to talk to again, said yes to her. Because in his eyes it was just an innocent group hang with people that he knew from years back. So I spoke with him and explained my point of view : like I would never hang out with your friends if the invite didn’t come from you, because I respect you and those are your people, it’s your crew and I want you to be comfortable. He totally understood and said that seeing them is definitely not a must, he didn’t think about it like that because we all went to the same school. But they weren’t in the same class and I had my bffs in my class and my boyfriend in another class. So they knew each other through me. When we left uni, it was over between him and I and I was still besties with my girls, we didn’t see him anymore, my friends had no relationship with him outside of him being my boyfriend. And now suddenly when I’m not speaking to my best friends anymore they jump at the first opportunity to invite my ex to meet up, knowing that I’m not at all okay with that. Also knowing that I never got over him and still have massive feelings for him.
In the end I got so upset, because I realised that I have 0 friends at this moment. I have no one I can really trust 100%. And I thought to myself you know what; maybe it’s all my fault and I deserve to be treated this way. And I ended up apologising to her and giving her my blessing and his number. She didn’t respond. I also apologised to him for making a big deal out of it and I gave him my blessing to meet up with any if my friends if he wanted to. He told me not to worry, and thanked me for my kind message.
There. If people want to be disloyal to me in any way shape or form they are going to anyway. Why should I be the voice of reason for people that have no morals to begin with? If they meet up, that only confirms that they are not loyal to me and that I never want to speak to them ever again. I’ve already blocked her and all of my family has deleted her from social media because they saw how upset I was. I’m giving my ex the benefit of the doubt but I’m not saying anything to him right now. Because he did initiate in the old messenger group by saying: “Aw why is everone leaving the group, would be nice to hang out for old times sake.” He thought he was in a group with only friends of mine and his from university. But in fact it was a group with only my friends from uni and outside uni. And then my former best friend (*he also didn’t know that she and I aren’t speaking), invited him to hang out and he said yes, thinking that I would also be there (he told me). But the thing is: he showed more excitement for the prospect of meeting with my group of friends (me included) than he has shown me in a very long time and that was weird and hurtful for me to see because I still fancy him. So now I am taking a step back from our conversation and if he doesn’t initiate to hang out with me alone the same way he gave clear signals in the group app, than that means that there is no new chance for us and he’s not interested. Which is fine, at least I know I tried; I initiated a conversation with him (*before the whole bff meddling drama in the group app), and to me that is putting myself out there and giving it my best shot after 8 years. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I just couldn’t fight my heart anymore and whatever I did (I even moved to France for 2 years), I just couldn’t forget him. He was my best friend, my soulmate and the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. And when my depression took over, I let him go because I thought he didn’t love me anymore and I believed that he deserved better than me. So yep after 8 years of being broken up (we still saw each other every now and then in the first 3 years of break up. And he even helped me move to my house 4 years ago, after that there was no contact, just a ‘hey how are you’ text every 6 months), I initiated conversation last week, quite nervous I was. And then my former best friend decided to invite him and drama blew up in my face. Nice. Maybe it’s a sign of God, telling me to let the past be. I am going to try acupuncture to forget about him in 1 week, because I’m just exhausted. I’ve been pushing away my feelings for him for years. Not seen the face that made me feel warm and safe and happy and loved for so long. Really supressed my instincts to fight to get him back. Because I tried once many years ago and I failed. He said that he wasn’t saying never, but he was definitaly saying no to right now back then in 2011. For the last couple of months even if I could force myself to not think about him duting the day (which is almost impossible) by distracting myself with movies and series, he appears in my dreams in the night. Hence I want to get acupuncture or hypnosis if the acupuncture doesn’t work to forget that I love him. Or to just forget him (even if that makes me very sad) and also I’m trying to move back to France to start a new life there. I want to leave my toxic fake friends behind and also the ex who will never love me back to be fair. I want to move on. I have had only 1 boyfriend after him and he was not nice. I hold on to the hope that I will find someone someday who will love me completely and I him. I just want to be happy and loved again. I like to think that I deserve it, but I’m not sure if God is going to send it my way. Maybe it’s just not for me.
Toxic people are vampires. They suckout the happiness n life in you.let them go
Toxic people are not good, just like the post says. They can bring you down in so many ways. It is a benefit to getting away from them at all costs.
Yep, lesson learned
Toxic friends, family, neighbors, whoever, are not good. Getting them out of your way at all costs should be top priority!
I’m sorry, but if I do not know what I mean to him, I am just going to come out and ask. He should be able to tell me within seconds what I mean to him.
Very good points. As a mental health specialist, these reasons are perfect for getting that toxic person out of your life.
These are all great tips. I had toxic people in my life and they were not the ones that I wanted to be with, so I pretended to others that I did. Once I was able to finally let go of those people, my life was better and I was happier.
If you are still in a toxic relationship, then you think there is hope for it. Most of these things can be cleared up in one conversation, with or without counseling.
Toxic is just as bad as it sounds. Get the person out of your life any way that you can. If they are not one to easily remove (family), then just try to limit your time with them.
If you are in a toxic relationship, there is no reason that you cannot get out of it to save yourself. Seek a support system that will help you and you will finally be able to breath.
All of these are very good reasons. Toxic people should not be with those that are too sensitive to leave them, it creates a very bad situation.
Exactly. The support system is something that we all need and if we can get it, great, that will help you away from the toxic people in your life. The key is getting a reason, or two, to not go back to them.
Things can change and that goes for relationships as well. It would be weird if nothing ever changed, the bonus comes in when both of you can deal with the changes together.
If you are going to have toxic people in your life and refuse to move away from them, then you get what you get. The situation is not easy to leave, but staying would poison you as well and that is not good!
There is something about a toxic relationship that makes people afraid to leave it. I think that is why so many people are stuck in a situation like this!
I cannot figure out why people stay with toxic people in their lives. It just seems to be so mentally draining! These are good reasons to leave that person for sure!
This ints’higs just the way to kick life into this debate.
I like the fact that if you are in a toxic relationship you can use that as the reason to get out of it. It is not good for either person, whether they want to admit it or not.
I know people that have stayed together because they have “history” together. Even though the relationship has fallen apart long ago, they try to make it work and act like nothing has changed. That IS toxic.
I agree Mark. Toxic relationships are very bad from all points and sometimes even create children that are unwanted.
I can see how it would suck if things were not the same as they were before, but does that mean that you are with a toxic person?
I do not think so. It is just one of the things that piles up and could send you over the edge if the other signs are also there.
I am going to say that not trusting someone is a VERY big reason to leave someone. In many cases, you cannot get that trust back.