“My girlfriend used to constantly bug me with a bunch of texts in a row. I honestly got so tired of it. It was like a chore to even think of responding. Sad, but true. Didn’t have the heart to tell her.”
-Michael, 33, Santa Barbara, CA (occupation: lifeguard)
“I hate it when a girl texts me ‘i’m bored… hows ur day?…'”
-Thomas, 23, Rhode Island, (occupation: law student)
“It weirds me out when a woman sends me a bunch of consecutive texts especially when we first meet.”
– Anthony, 41, NYC (occupation: bartender)
“I normally don’t respond if a girl keeps asking me stuff about my personal life, right in the beginning.”
-Martin, 27, Austin, Texas (occupation: pharmaceutical rep)
Do those quotes make you uncomfortable? Do you ever feel afraid or anxious about texting? Doesn’t Thomas seem like kind of a jerk?
Here’s my point – there are a ton of women who are confused about texting… and they’re making HUGE mistakes every time they text.
Take This Quiz And Find Out Right Now: Why Didn’t He Text You Back?
I’m going to be blunt, most women have no idea how to text a guy – much less what kind of texts guys LIKE to receive.
Don’t believe me?
How Many Of These Texts Would You Send?
OK, be honest with me: how many of those would you send? How many of those have you sent in real life?
If you think I’m trapping you, then you’ve got good intuition. Truth is, most of the time it’s a really, really bad idea to send a guy any of those texts.
Especially if you just met him, or if you’re trying to get him to text you back.
Brutal, right? Why does texting guys have to feel so freaking complicated and horrible?
Don’t want to read this whole article? We’ve summed everything up in an awesome infographic for you, click below to view it:
Why does it feel like a nervous, gut twisting roller coaster ride every time you want to text a guy you really like? (And don’t even get me started on what happens when a guy suddenly stops texting back.)
The stress and confusion of what to text, when to text, how to text, and why he’s not texting back has built up to a breaking point, and I bet you’re ducking sick of it. I know I am.
It doesn’t have to be this way. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. (R.I.P. Robin Williams).
Ready to do something about it and get rid of it forever?
Eyes front, mouths closed, mind focused. You and me, we’re going to talk about texting, and it’s going to get real up in this article.
Why? Because texting shouldn’t be this big, scary, stressful, awful thing. Because at the heart of it, texting the guy you want the right way is actually very, very simple.
Texting is literally writing a few words on a magic pocket sized device and sending them through magic portals to another person in a millisecond (or however phones work). It’s not a big deal.
I’m here to help. You and me, together, we’re going to solve this texting dilemma.
Together, We’re Going To Make Texting Easy
After you read this article, you’re never going to feel anxious or confused about texting again.
And I know, that’s a big promise.
Because what if you’re in a relationship with a guy you love more than anything, yet he refuses to text you back even though he knows it makes you miserable?
Or what if you meet a guy, instantly hit it off with him, really want to make him fall for you… and maybe you even go on an amazing first date. You expect him to text you, but then nothing. Silence.
It sparks a frantic debate inside your head: Should you send a guy you like the first text or wait for him to contact you first?
On the one hand, you’re nervous about him not responding but on the other hand you’re so giddy and excited that you can’t help but feel the overwhelming urge to text him.
And look, I get that. The excitement and adrenaline rushing through your veins and taking over your body clouds your judgment.
But then comes the constant wrestling back and forth, over-analyzing whether you should or shouldn’t contact him, what should you say to him, and yeah, that can feel as if you’re in a constant state of limbo. It can eat you up inside and drive you completely insane.
Why does it feel like a nervous, gut twisting roller coaster ride every time you want to text a guy you really like?
You might even ask your friends what they think because you can’t stop obsessing about it. And they might give you responses that range from, “Oh… don’t ever text him first…” to “If you do, wait at least 3 days!”
Now, look, I’m a nice guy. I’m not going to call your friends dumb without even meeting them, but… your friends probably don’t know what they’re talking about. Sure, their intentions are good, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t giving you destructive advice.
And it’s not their fault!
No one gives good advice about texting these days. It’s bullcrap. It’s almost like people 50-100 years ago didn’t even know how to text?! Get with the times, grandma!
But seriously… There are so many myths out there about the “right time” and “right way” and “right words” to text a guy that completely distort the truth and leave women totally confused.
You see it everywhere: the movies, the media, your girlfriends are all trying to give you specific advice about your situation.
Like, they’re telling you to wait X number of days, or only text him at Y time, or send him Z amount of texts before he responds, or… I ran out of letters so I can’t give you any more examples but you get what I’m saying.
That advice may or may not help you in the one specific situation it applies to, and it’s definitely not going to help you the next time you’re feeling anxious about texting a guy and don’t know what to do.
You know what is going to help you?
When you know the most basic, fundamental, universal rules about texting that will clear up all your frustration, anxiety, and stress about it forever.
So here’s the real talk: I’m gonna tell you, right here and right now, the raw, honest truth about texting from a guy’s perspective (stuff no guy would ever actually tell you).
There are so many myths out there about the “right time” and “right way” and “right words” to text a guy that completely distort the truth and leave women totally confused.
You’re going to find out what men are specifically looking for when you text. You’re going to find out what kind of thing is going to attract him and what kind of thing is going to turn him off.
And want to know the best part? It’s really simple.
When you get it from a guy’s perspective, you won’t have to figure out which rule to follow like “who should text who?” or “should I wait for a response?” or “why is my phone overheating and exploding?”, because you’ll just know what to do automatically.
And you’ll never feel anxious about texting again.
Sounds impossible, right? It’s actually easy. Let’s start.
You’ve Got To Have A Plan
If You’re Going To Text Him… Don’t Be Boring
So I’m going to get this out of the way right at the start: don’t text him pictures of grass growing at 30 minute intervals. That’s boring.
Don’t do that.
You probably already knew that.
But what is a boring text? When a guy gets a text and looks at his phone, what’s going to make him go “ugh” in his head and ignore it?
I bet you’re interested in the answer to that.
And really, the answer is super simple.
From a guy’s perspective, a boring text is one that doesn’t advance the action at all.
I can hear you already. “What? Action? What does action mean? I didn’t say I was trying to turn him on yet, right? Did I accidentally agree to star in a porno again?
No. You didn’t.
What I mean by action is this: when you text him, you have to get the ball rolling … by proposing a concrete plan or asking him if he wants to do a certain thing at a specific time with you.
This is really important. If you just text a guy something like, “Heyyy” or “What’s up?” or “How’s it goinggg…”, it’s going to bore him to death.
It’s a text he’s already received a million times before, and he won’t feel like responding. Even if he does respond, it’s going to be out of habit because he’s trying to be polite.
Sure, he might even respond because he’s interested in you so he’s willing to “go along with it,” but it definitely won’t be the type of text that makes him genuinely excited.
Why not? Well, because nothing is happening. Your text doesn’t create any kind of action. It doesn’t give him something to look forward to, or ask a specific question, or do anything that will capture his interest.
Tip: If you absolutely have to text him and you don’t have a plan, keep it short, light, and positive.
See, when you text a guy, you’re basically throwing it out there that you want him to take some time out of his day to respond to you. We only have so much time in a day, so if you’re thinking about it from his perspective… what would make it worthwhile for you to respond?
This is particularly important with the first text. Is it going to engage him and make him feel good about responding, or like he’s wasting his time?
(I told you I was going to be blunt… #sorrynotsorry. You’re getting the hard truth here without sugarcoating because that’s what’s going to help you get the results you want. )
Note: Want to know the real reason he didn’t text you back? Take this quiz and find out: “Why Doesn’t He Text Back” Quiz
So Here’s Exactly What To Do If You Want Him To Text You Back
Right now I’m going to give you a step by step plan of what to do if you’ve met a guy for the first time and you want to text him first.
If you already know the guy or you’re in a relationship with him, this is still great advice. He will text you back way more quickly, and more often.
Great. Imagine this scenario:
You meet a guy. You like this guy. You want to text him first and you want to be charming but you don’t want to turn him off. Here’s what you do:
Text him and ask him if he wants to do a specific activity with you at a certain time on a particular day.
“Hey, it was really cool meeting you the other night, I’m going to dance at Dance Club City with my friends around 8 on Thursday night, do you want to come?”
Or “I’m watching a movie and opening up a bottle of wine tonight, care to join?”
Or “I’m going rock climbing this Saturday. Want to come?”
Or “I’m going to a free concert at the park on Friday. Want to join me?”
Or “I am returning to my home planet of Kzzphlach in 3 of your normal “hu-man” hours, I would like for you to return with me and become my breeding mate.”
That’s it. (So much for a step by step plan, that’s pretty much just one step. Sorry for being so convenient.)
When you propose a plan to him, you’re getting the ball rolling. Instead of giving him nothing (by just asking him “what’s up” or even just sending “heyyy”), you’re giving him an idea of what you want to do, and more importantly…
You’re making it clear that you already have something going on in your life and that your plans don’t depend on his answer.
Your life is already fun and exciting to begin with, and he’s going to want to become a part of it.
TIP: If you aren’t having fun in your life, you should be! It’s important! I’m not just being sarcastic, this is super important in everything from your love life, to your mindset to your emotional health.
Text him and ask him if he wants to do a specific activity with you at a certain time on a particular day.
Go out and do things that you actually enjoy doing! Even if it’s a simple as watching a movie or reading a book. The guy you’re texting should be a nice addition to your life and happiness, not the sole source of it.
When you have stuff in your life that you love doing, it makes it much less important to you whether he responds or not. And that’s where the power is.
If you’re comfortable, happy, and confident in your life without him, he’s going to want to be around you. He’ll want you to be a part of his life.
Instead of you desperately chasing after him, frantically trying to get his approval, he’s going to feel the need to come chasing after you and be desperate to get yours.
Guy Confession: “This girl I met back in grad school was seriously the opposite of every other girl I’d ever met. The first text she sent me was asking me if I wanted to go scuba diving with her. It’s ironic because the way we ended up connecting after that was incredible.
I probably sound cheesy and dumb right now, but I remember really wanting her to text me after that. I would actually over-analyze why she didn’t respond. In reality, she was just going out having fun in life but in my head I couldn’t help feel like I needed her to respond for my life to be okay. And this is not how I am normally.”
And there you have it, ladies. When texting a guy, be specific and be unique. Don’t be boring and show him that you have a fulfilling life that he is welcome, but not needed, to join.
Oh, would you look at that? This is the perfect segue into the next section, what I like to call: “The Biggest Rule In Texting”…
It’s almost like I planned it this way…
Drop The Stress And Get In The Mood (To Text… Not For Sex, Perv)
Settle Down and Get Your Emotions Under Control Before You Text Him
OK, before you rage-quit your internet browser and throw your computer out the window, pause for a second.
I know you’re thinking, “This is impossible! I can’t help but want him to text me back. This isn’t even a fair thing to ask.”
And you’re right! It’s totally natural to want him to text you back.
Whether you’re in a relationship and you just want him to answer your texts (or be romantic once in a while), or you’re texting him for the first time and you desperately want him to come out on a date with you, it can be the most frustrating experience that makes you want to scream and tear your hair out.
So that’s why I want to make sure you know that this is a lot simpler than it seems.
At the end of the day, you can still worry and stress about whether he’s going to text you back. You can be frantically checking your phone every 2 minutes to make sure the volume is up high in case you missed a text. You can wire your phone straight into your eyeballs so that you’ll know the second he texts you.
You just can’t let those feelings leak into the text itself.
When you have stuff in your life that you love doing, it makes it much less important to you whether he responds or not.
Because, and this is 100% true, men can sense what kind of emotion is put into a text. It’s the same thing as when you get a text from a guy and it “feels” like he’s angry, or distracted, or annoyed. Or it “feels” like he’s emotionally withdrawn or cold. Or it “feels” like he doesn’t really want to talk to you.
The emotions that you’re feeling when you write the text always leak into the text itself, and unless he’s clueless, blind, or dead, he’s going to be able to pick up on them.
That’s why it feels so horrible to send him a text when you’re feeling desperate, or out of control, or worried out of your mind. Subconsciously, you know he’s going to be able to pick up on it.
OK, But Nick Why Is That Even A Bad Thing?
First of all, shut up. Don’t interrupt me while I’m talking.
I’m sorry, that was a bit harsh. I’m under some stress in my life right now and I guess it subconsciously leaked into the article, that’s my bad.
Look, can we just drop it? I’m going to explain why it’s a bad thing anyway. No hard feelings. I’m sorry I snapped at you.
Anyway *glares daggers at you*, letting him sense that you’re feeling desperate is a bad thing for a very simple reason.
Everyone wants a bit of mystery.
Ever see a guy across the room somewhere and get the “vibe” that you’d be interested in him? Maybe you position yourself closer to him, let him approach you, and get yourself ready for a night of fun flirting and who knows what more…
And then he totally blows it. He’s awkward. He’s needy. He feels desperate for your approval. He only laughs when you laugh. It feels like he’s begging you not to reject him.
I want you to imagine how turned off you are at that moment. Imagine how disgusted and disappointed you would be that he turned out to be a needy, desperate, decidedly un-sexy person.
That’s what you come off as when you let desperation leak into your text. When you show him that you are too eager, available and dependent on getting his response, you lose the vibe that makes you appealing and intriguing to him in the first place.
Instead of imagining the possibilities with you, he will come to see you a “sure thing” at best and at worst, as a needy person to stay away from.
And that’s why it feels so horrible when he doesn’t text you back. Subconsciously, you know that you’re turning him off, only you don’t know how to stop yourself.
Well, I do.
Here’s Exactly What To Do
So, you’re ready to stop yourself from turning him off when you text him.
Get ready, because just like in the last section, I’m going to give you a step by step plan of how to make sure you don’t scare him off by coming off desperate.
Recommended: Ask a Guy: Why Did He Suddenly Stop Texting Me?
Before you’re going to text him, take a minute to relax. If you’re feeling any fear, tension or stress, let it go.
Think about what would really happen if he didn’t text you back. Would the world end? Would your house burn down? Would you never find another man? Would you get really jealous that he texted his mom back before you and flip out on him? Would your relationship be over?
No. Nothing is actually happening when he doesn’t text back. I know that when you’re thinking about it and you’re in the moment where he’s not responding, you feel like he’s somehow going out of his way to torture and hurt you.
But the truth is, this is a reality you create in your mind. I’m not saying this is your fault or something you did wrong, it’s something that happens to a lot of people.
When we’re in an emotional situation, our emotions have an arresting, overwhelming effect on us. It’s true for men and women. Seeing the reality of the situation is almost impossible.
In your mind, the reality is some horrible, terrible worst case scenario, where he’s somehow rejecting you or hurting you.
But the truth is…
His phone probably just ran out of battery.
Or maybe he was just busy.
Or maybe he was focused on something really intensely and didn’t want to stop what he was doing.
Men are different than women, in that they like to laser-focus on one specific thing at a time. He could just be tuning out everything – including his phone.
See also: Ask a Guy: When a Guy Doesn’t Text Back…
No matter what, you’re going to be OK, even if he doesn’t text you back. You’re going to keep living your life and doing your thing no matter what, because even if it feels like it, you don’t actually need him to respond.
(super secret optional bonus) step 3:
Imagine something lighthearted, playful and funny… Maybe even a bit flirty, and let yourself relax, think about it, and enjoy it for a bit before you text him. Allow yourself to get in a lighthearted flirty mood. Then, when you’re feeling great (and just a little bit naughty), type out that text. It’ll come across to him in a big way.
If you skipped step 3 (like a doofus), and you’re feeling relaxed and in control (like a doofus), write him the text.
That’s it! When you get your emotions totally under control before you text him, there won’t be any stress, fear, or worry that leaks into the text itself.
That way, he can tell that you’re honestly OK with whether he texts back or not, and it takes all the pressure off him in his mind.
He’s not instinctively thinking, “Ahh crap, if I don’t say the right thing here she’s going to blow up, what does she want?” he’s thinking, “Oh, she is cool and not desperate for me to write her back. That’s cool. Ironically, I want her even more now.”
We good? Good.
For a closer look into why men don’t call or text back, check out: Man Decoder: Why Doesn’t He Call Back?
Texting Do’s and Don’ts
When it comes to texting a guy, not all texts are created equal. Here are a few do’s and don’t’s you can add to your text etiquette repertoire.
Do: Ask him if he wants to do something specific with you, at a specific time.
Don’t: Text him generic questions like “How’s it going?” “What’s your day been like so far?” “What’s up?” That’s BORING.
Do: Feel totally comfortable whatever happens, whether he responds or doesn’t respond or hucks his phone into the moon. It’s not your problem, because you’re happy whether you’re with him or doing stuff on your own.
Don’t: Ask him anything that comes off as needy, demanding, or interrogational, like “Where are you?” “What are you doing right now?” “I can see what clothes you’re wearing…”
Do: Keep it light. Especially if it’s your first message to him, keep things fun, playful, and not at all serious.
Think more, “Hey I’m going to a museum tonight at 9 and it’s supposed to be really cool, do you want to come?” and less, “Oh my GOD you HAVE to come to this museum with me tonight it’s going to be AMAZING and if you don’t go you’re TOTALLY missing out why wouldn’t you go do you want to come?”
Don’t: Ask him his relationship status/about other women in his life/demand any information from him. Those conversations are for when you’re in person, not for a crappy, easily misunderstood text message.
Do: Keep it short. Nobody likes getting a text that’s paragraphs long (or even one paragraph long). Well, I know a lot of women wish they could get a text like this… but guys don’t like it. If you’re writing a novel on your phone, you’re turning him off, so make like Hemingway and keep things brief.
Guy Confession: “My ex girlfriend used to literally send me text after text when I wouldn’t respond. It drove me completely nuts. There’s a reason she’s my ex. Hearing that noise go off on my phone would seriously just annoy me so much sometimes.”
–Chad, Los Angeles, 26
Don’t: Send him multiple texts in a row. If he didn’t respond to the first one, there could be a few reasons why. Maybe he didn’t have his phone on him. Maybe he saw it, but didn’t have time to respond to it at that moment and is planning on texting back later. Maybe he saw it and has no interest in responding. Maybe his phone is out of battery. Maybe he got eaten by a dinosaur.
Tip: If you absolutely have to text him and you don’t have a plan, keep it short, light, and positive.
Now, (and this is important), is there ANY situation where sending him another text helps you at all? No matter what, no matter for what reason he didn’t respond, sending another text only hurts your case, rather than helping it. Don’t send multiple texts in a row.
Quit with the “what if’s”. They’re not useful. Plus, they’re making it impossible for you to understand what’s really important.
The truth is, the specifics of the situation don’t matter.
It’s always, always, always more important what your text says than when it’s sent or who sent it first.
So drop specifics. Don’t give a crap about them. They’re not important.
Well, the specifics are still kind of important. Like, don’t call him by the wrong name. Or send your text to the wrong phone number. Those specifics matter.
So anyway. With that said…
Here’s what’s important:
Are you OK with whatever happens after you text him, even if he doesn’t text you back (Or at least, did you get yourself in the mindset of being OK with whatever happens before you texted him)?
Did you avoid being boring by getting the ball rolling and moving the action along?
Is your phone a poisonous snake that’s about to swallow you whole?
As long as your answers to those questions are Yes, Yes, and No,