You want to know the worst thing about what happens when a man starts to withdraw and become distant?
It’s not the pain. It’s not the fear. It’s not the terrified hopelessness of losing him.
It’s that most of the time – a woman’s reaction to a man becoming distant will actually drive him away more and push him further and further away from her.
The typical reaction that many women have to a man becoming distant is one that actually works against her – and makes him withdraw even more.
this reaction will almost always push him away even further and damage your relationship even more.
Because when you’ve met a man you really feel compatible with, one who you really like and who seems like he really likes you, it feels like you’re on top of the world. He’s giving you tons of attention, you keep making plans to see each other, he’s keeping in touch on the phone and with texts – in short, things feel perfect.
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But then… out of nowhere, something happens. He stops calling as much. He pulls away from you a little more. He doesn’t want to make plans this weekend, or he stops being so affectionate with you.
Whatever it is, you can sense it, and it feels horrible in the pit of your stomach.
For most women, the very first instinct here is to try to fix the situation by getting closer to him and pulling him closer to us. This comes in the form of asking him what’s wrong, or calling him often, and worrying about the relationship.
The problem is, this reaction almost always pushes him away even further and damages your relationship even more.
This is going to sound like a paradox – but the best way to stop him from withdrawing and bring him back to you is to stop trying to pull him back.
If you spend your efforts trying to pull him back, you’re going to push him away.
It seems totally counter-intuitive, but the only way to get him to come back to you is if he comes back to you on his own , without you trying to pull him back.
So with that in mind, here are the 3 steps to giving him the space he needs to come back to you willingly and happily, instead of trying to get him back and pushing him away more than ever:
1. Calm down and realize that him pulling away is a totally natural thing
Even if a man is completely in love – it’s natural for him to drift away sometimes. That’s because most men are afraid of becoming vulnerable – and there’s nothing that makes a man feel more vulnerable than falling in love.
Men bounce back and forth between close and distant when they’re slowly falling in love because they’re not comfortable with being totally vulnerable. But little by little, over time, they work out their feelings and start to become more comfortable, and the distance they bounce away becomes less and less.
That’s why it’s so important to remind yourself that if he’s feeling distant – it’s totally natural.
If things are meant to be, he’s going to act distant less and less as the relationship goes on. He’s always going to want “space” sometimes, but it’s going to become less and less frequent.
Do you want to know why men pull away and what to do about it? We’ve summed everything up in an awesome infographic for you, click below to view it:
2. Create a desire in him to get close to you again
Like I said before, for most women, the reaction when a man becomes distant is to freak out and try to close the gap between them in order to become close again. This almost always backfires.
Why? Well, when a woman chases after a distant man, she undermines his attempt to feel more independent, makes him feel more vulnerable, and takes away any incentive he has to close the gap again.
She takes the choice out of his hands, and he feels forced… and in some cases, trapped.
By chasing after him when he pulls away, you’re undermining his effort to feel independent – and you’re also making it so he doesn’t even feel like he’s getting the distance and perspective he wants on you. Therefore, he tries to pull away even further, which makes you chase him harder, and the whole thing blows up in your faces.
Here’s how to stop this from happening: just don’t chase after him or try to close the gap. Don’t try to figure out why he’s becoming distant or ask him what’s wrong, and don’t try to get a response out of him. That means no calls, no emails, no showing up where he works or at his house.
Remember, he has to reach the conclusion himself that he misses you and wants more of you in his life. You can’t make him want that… any more than you can make him want to eat more ice cream if he’s full.
Instead, you have to let him naturally get “hungry” again. That means giving him space, letting him get a little distance from the relationship in order to get perspective on it, and then giving him the room to realize he misses you and wants to be closer to you again.
Guys are going to naturally cycle between wanting intimacy and wanting independence. Trying to guess the reason is impossible – some guys want space to reflect on the relationship, some (insecure) guys want space because their friends make fun of them for being “too whipped”, some guys want space because they need time alone to clear their heads and gain clarity in life.
It’s not possible to guess the reason why he’s acting a bit distant – but it is possible to give him exactly what he wants – time and space.
You have to let him make the choice to come back to you instead of trying to force it. If you do, it will be much stronger when he decides he wants to be with you again, and it will feel much better for both of you.
You have to let him make the choice to come back to you instead of trying to force it.
Plus, men are so used to being pursued when they’re trying to gain perspective that he’s going to be shocked you’re giving him the space he wants. He’ll realize that you’re different from most other women he’s dated, in a good way, and that will make him think of you more and more as a long term partner he wants to commit to.
3. Communicate your feelings effectively
It’s very easy to feel a sense of anger and neglect when a man pulls away from you – just like it’s easy to feel resentful of him when he comes back. Many women want their man to know just how bad he hurt them when he pulled away, so that he knows it’s not ok for him to do that.
However, most women go about expressing this in completely the wrong way.
You have to be able to express this with words ( not passive aggressive actions), and you have to be able to express how you’re feeling without blaming him for it.
For example: don’t attack him with questions like “Where have you been? Why did you just drop off the face of the earth? Why didn’t you call?”
Instead, tell him, “I feel great that I’m hearing from you!” Instead of giving him something negative and aggressive to associate with you, make sure that when he’s with you or talking to you, he feels fun, positive energy from you.
Plus, if you don’t lash out with anger or blame, he’ll see that you’re in control of your emotions and that you’re not living and dying with everything he does or doesn’t do – and that will make him want you even more. He’ll know that you’re someone who understands what he needs without letting it affect you too much, and that will show him that you’re someone he can be his true self around.
As you keep spending positive happy time with him, he’ll realize more and more that he likes being with you, and that he wants to stay with you more and more. Eventually, that leads to thoughts of the future, love, family, and marriage.
I hope this article helped you understand what to do if a guy is pulling away. It’s a question I get asked a lot – so I wrote this article as a ‘band-aid’ to get rid of the worst of the symptoms right away. It’s important to note that if you really want him to stop pulling away forever, you need more powerful advice. If you’re ready for that, you need to read this right now: If He’s Pulling Away, Do This…
Have stories of a guy becoming distant and then coming back? Or disaster, withdrawing from you completely? Share them below.
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Here’s Why Men Pull Away
- Men pull away for lots and lots of different reasons, and trying to get closer or pull him back to you pushes him away further and damages the relationship even more
- The best way to stop him from withdrawing and bring him back to you is to stop trying to pull him back
- Try to remember that him pulling away is a totally natural thing that all men go through at one time or another
- You can create a desire for him to get close to you again by not chasing after him
- Win his respect and love by communicating your feelings effectively and without judgment